LiW How would you deal with this???

[LtlFirecracker]

This may be long, but I need some advice. I am having some problems when I guess my now so called friends at work.

As many people know, I am a resident. There are 4 girls in my class including me. We used to all hang out together. I have had some problems with one, I will call her C. She is kind of, how do I say it, will do anything to get to the top without regarding anyone else. We had some problems earlier in the year when she would interrupt me while I was presenting to the attending physician with the key point or the plan. It got so bad, that the top people had to intervene, and she at that time told me we needed to work together, but it is clear we are "not friends."

Well, I was friends with the other 2 girls, and one got engaged. I guess I will call here S. At first she was telling me everything, showing me pictures of the dress, and her colors. I found out C and the other girl (I guess she will be A) went dress shopping with her, and I asked her why I didn''t get to go. She said. "Well me and C were going and A just happened to call".

Than I hear nothing for months, except for how small the wedding is going to be (80 people) and how she is having trouble with the guest list. She calls me about 2 months ago asking for a book, and I ask about the date and she says "sometime in June" A few days later I am on Facebook, and A leaves a message to S saying that she needs to pick her BM dresses soon because she wants to make sure "everything is perfect." I than figure it out. S and A are bridesmaids and I am not invited.

Yesterday, we had a resident retreat and 7/8 class members were there (the rest are guys). I brought my BF just because I was concerned about how things would be. During lunch, her bachelorette party comes up and they were talking about how they were going to have all the boys crash it. Than they say that my BF should come (as a joke). This is all in front of me. Of course, I am not invited to this party either. I get up and go to the bathroom, and when I come back the topic has changed a male residents wedding (he invited our whole class). Than during a baseball game the three of them are sitting there, laughing, taking pictures ect. They get one pic with me "because we need all the girls." And ask me to take a girls trip to the bathroom, but that is about it.

I sit at the bar for a few minutes after the game, and than I just left.

I understand that S has the right to invite whoever she wants, but my feelings are still hurt. I didn''t even realize that it was them and me now until this. I have not confronted S and don''t know what to say. I don''t want to go to the wedding. In fact, I can''t go, that is my vacation block (which is published on the schedule). But I have another resident outing in a month, and I really don''t want to deal with that again. It is just too hard on me. So should I say something? Stay quiet? Just say the minimum to her (which is what I have been doing)? Should I not be bothered by this at all?

 

[goldfish]

Wow, that''s really hard to deal with. I have had the experience of being left out, and it really hurts, even when there''s no overt bullying.

It just seems to me that for whatever reason, this crowd is not your crowd. It happens. I would say nothing, chin up, and enjoy the friends I do have. Easier said than done, but unfortunately, you can''t make people like you. Just chalk it up to chemistry.

Good luck, and I''m sending you lots of stiff for your upper lip!

 

[misskitty]

Eesh. Not a fun situation to be in, but I don''t know that there''s much you can do about it. I would just keep my mouth shut, and write them off as "work-only" friends -- sometimes, compartmentalizing people like that makes it easier to not feel so left out. Do you have other, non-work friends in the area that you can hang out with for a bit of a boost?

 

[jcarlylew]

both posts above have great advice

 

[ilovesparkles]

Hey there, I TOTALLY feel your pain! I was in OT school for 3 years and the majority of the girls (1guy), were polite, but only because it was 11 of us for 3 years. It was torcher! There were 2 people that I got along with, and then they moved to weekend class, I was miserable, especially the last year and a half. One person was nice enough to me in classes, but we weren''t friends outside of class. Everyone would talk about the weekly dinner plans for Friday, right in front of me, but I wasn''t invited. No one ever wanted to work with me as a partner, I got A''s mostly and was on the Dean''s List most semesters. The bottom line was, I wasn''t part of the group and they were beyond rude about it! I was the black sheep and it sucked. In retrospect, I would never have been friends with those people in real life anyways. Why should I waste my time caring. It didn''t work that way, it hurt really bad. But I got to show off a bit when I was the first one with a job offer, 6 months before we all graduated!

I would try to look at it this way, if they are treating you like this, and acting like snobs, do you really want to be their friends? I know it hurts to be the outsider, but in 4 years when your residency is done, how much will it matter? Unless you are hoping to stay at the hospital and some of the others are as well, I wouldn''t worry about it. Take it all with a grain of salt, hold your chin up high, worry about the work. Keep yourself busy with REAL friends. Think about your own future free of the likes of them.

And like goldfish said, sending you some extra stiff for that upper lip and height for that chin of yours! ((((HUGS))))

 

[bee*]

I''m sorry to hear that. It''s so hurtful being left out of things, especially when they''re acting like that. I''m not sure if I''d say anything to her. I''d just continue saying the minimum to them. Sending hugs though-there''s nothing worse than having to work with people who make the workplace unpleasant.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Well, this situation sucks, and I''m sorry you have to experience it. However, at this point your "friends" have shown you who they are, and I think you should listen. Why you would want to call these people friends after how they''ve treated you is beyond me. This is such a nasty bullying tactic. Where''s the barfing emotie when I need it?

These people work with you, and that''s that. Be polite, and professional when you interact with them, but be very clear that they are not your friends. They cannot be trusted with anything, under any circumstances, especially when you look at who they''re friends with.

Why not make friends with the male residents? Just because there only a few girls around doesn''t mean you have to be friends with them.

 

[Porridge]

Wow, that is nasty. From the limited information, I would venture to guess that C is jealous. Probably because you're good at what you do and she definitely does not like competitors. I would bet she is the one subtly painting you as the "outsider" to the other two. People are so ridiculously impressionable, they probably don't even know themselves why you are being treated this way.

So, C is a nasty jealous beatch and the other two are idiot sheep (in my opinion [])

It must be a real pain in the arse Ltl and I'm sorry it's happening to you. Especially in a work environment. But honestly, you are so above their childish cr@p. Just feel sorry for them

 

[gwendolyn]

None of them sound especially like 'friends' to me either, honey. To be honest, I'm not sure what I would do in your place. Possibly try to kill them with kindness, in the hopes that at least the sheep wake up and realize that you are a lovely, friendly woman who could be a good friend to them. But that's really difficult to do, possibly doubly so if you're dealing with the stress of being a resident. If being good to them became too emotionally draining to handle, then I'd probably withdraw from them and interact with them as little as possible (as others suggested). If you give them a shot and they don't meet you halfway, they aren't worth your time anyway.

It will be difficult seeing them all the time, but I guess that "you can't choose your family" saying applies here, even though you don't share blood with these people. They're your work family, and at least for the time being, you're stuck with them. Hope you can make the best of it, sweetie. *hugs*

 

[icekid]

Ltl- I am so sorry you have to be in that situation! This is the very reason I don''t make friends with the girls at work. Literally all of my good work friends are guys because they don''t indulge in that sort of ridiculous cattiness. Maybe it''s because women are still fighting through the men in medicine, but that crap is not enjoyable for me. I refuse!!

Anyway, only a couple months left, right??? You can do anything for two months

 

[allycat0303]

LtlFirecracker

Just out of curiosity, you''re a resident in which discipline? Are you in surgery? I''ve heard a lot of stories about this in surgery disciplines in particular. When the girls all kind of gang up on one and make an example of her. Personally, I would do nothing. But I''m very much of a mind that work is work, and friends and friends. I have no intention of seeing any of the residents socially. Mostly because I think it can become complicated, and I never want conflict to follow me to work. Definitely agree with IceKid on this one.

If you can''t go, and you don''t want to go, I don''t know if there is much to gain by confronting S. I think that would bring even more drama into the whole thing. The wedding will be over soon, and then things will probably get less *clic-y* once the wedding is over. And I would hate to cause even more waves in such a little group. It''s bound to get out that you confronted S; things probably won''t change, and then the whole group will be talking about the drama.

Good luck with your decision!

 

[tyty333]

Date: 5/9/2009 3:50:58 AM
Author: brooklyngirl
Well, this situation sucks, and I''m sorry you have to experience it. However, at this point your ''friends'' have shown you who they are, and I think you should listen. Why you would want to call these people friends after how they''ve treated you is beyond me. This is such a nasty bullying tactic. Where''s the barfing emotie when I need it?

These people work with you, and that''s that. Be polite, and professional when you interact with them, but be very clear that they are not your friends. They cannot be trusted with anything, under any circumstances, especially when you look at who they''re friends with.

Why not make friends with the male residents? Just because there only a few girls around doesn''t mean you have to be friends with them.

Definitly...from my experience guys are much less petty.

 

[chiapet]

Just wanted to give you big (((HUGS))). Being left out is not a good feeling but like alot of people here have shared, it happens to everybody at some point of their lives.
I work with a bunch of "mean girls" who never invite me to anything (e.g., lunch, weddings, parties). I don''t let it bother me. I''m there to work and not to socialize.
There must be other people in your residency program who you can hang out with during the retreats. If you want closure, then by all means go confront the girl. It might be more awkward afterwards so maybe wait until the residency program is almost over.
Hang in there!

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Thanks everyone,

Icekid and allycat; I am in pediatrics, not exactly a malignant speciality...but maybe it is more of a function of being in a small program. You are right, I only have a couple more months, it is just that I have to suffer though another "retreat" and the end of the of the year party. That is what I am most worried about, I have enough to deal with without this crap. I can deal with them in the work environment. I didn''t have many friends who were premeds, so I shouldn''t be surprised things are different now. I don''t have any issues with the guys. One of the guys was making a point to hang out with me that day, just to be nice. I think he understood what was going on.

Everyone else: Thanks for the words. I don''t bring up the wedding. It is not that I was not invited, it was the dishonesty, and the non-confrontal approach all three of them took. If she brings up the subject, I will let her know that I am disappointed she could not be more direct with me and wish her the best. I do have non-work friends, I went to college here. They have been great though this. One, who, knows S told me she would tell her off for me...than paused, and said..."that would be counter effective, so I won''t do it, but it would be soooo fun."

All of those who shared your stories, I am sorry you had to go through that, I know how painful it is. Sharing your stories are helpful to me because it helps to know someone can relate to my situation. When you are at work as much as I am, it is kind of isolating.

 

[kama_s]

I faced something VERY similar during grad school. My program is very competitive, and unfortunately, most of the girls are huge b*tches. There were 3 others that began with me, and had the same dynaics as the girls in your group. I don''t even think their friendship was ''normal''....way too superficial and they became BFF''s overnight! Anyways, I decided to distance myself and kept myself busy with my own research. Three months later, all three hate each other, not just ignoring each other but going as ar as spreading crap about each other. And mind you, we all share the same office 9-5 every single day!

I''m glad I stayed out of it. I was the neutral one back when they were all BFFs and I''m still the neutral one when all of them hate each other. I didn''t get involved one way or the other! These girls don''t seem like girls you''d want to associate anyways. Sure, it sucks and hurts. But you are obviously far more mature to fall into this BS "friendship". I seriously wonder how long S, C and A will remain friends.

 

[Vani]

I can definitely sympathise with you. For my first three years at medical school I was in a class with three other girls, who pretty much from the start decided to form an exclusive little club together and leave me out. I had a horrid feeling they would talk about me behind my back, they would revise for exams together and leave me to do it alone, go out together, etc. It made me feel awful - as in, "what''s wrong with me? Am I such a social reject?".

I stopped feeling bad when I decided to stop wondering why they were behaving like that, and just focus on my friends from other classes/outside school. I was civil and friendly to them but stopped expecting them to, or hoping they would, include me. From that point on, I felt happy again, and our relationship actually improved once I accepted that for whatever reason we just weren''t going to be BFFs.

Oh, and none of them are friends any more - one of them recently got married and didn''t invite the other two...

My point is: you''re definitely not alone in being in this situation. It does NOT reflect on you as a person. The best way to deal with it is to stop trying to understand why they are behaving like this, and focus on your other great friends and life. And be glad you don''t have to put up with it for much longer!

 

[Magenta]

Ah, yes. This sort of situation yet again - I thought those ones stopped in high school! Unfortunately not

I''d like to echo everyone else''s comments, in particular:

- it''s not your problem, it''s theirs
- hang out with the guys if you can

(Disclaimer: I assume that a retreat would be a leisurely event, with bits of team building, and only bits of work. If that''s not the case, modify the below to suit the circumstances)

As for the retreat, try to hang out with the guys (if you can, i''m not sure if it''s a girls-only event), and take a good book for the ''leisure'' times. Also, take a phone so you''ll have someone to talk to regularly. Be prepared with stuff that you''ll enjoy, that you can do on your own, for any leisure times. Then you can escape out of it, as much as possible.

That''s what I''d do, and often did during school camps and such.

Good luck!

Magenta, with her AUD $0.02

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Date: 5/10/2009 9:33:57 AM
Author: Magenta
Magenta, with her AUD $0.02

i think you advice was worth more than $0.02 AUD, but very funny though!!!

But firecracker... as many have already said, friends are friends and work is work, don''t mix the two esp with the people you work with seem to be such nasty cows! Hold your head high and don''t say a word about it, and i bet once the wedding is over and forgotten S will be saying sorry to you for how much of a cow she has been, and if not, you are better off without her anyway!

 

[allycat0303]

LtlFirecracker

haha, Peds in Quebec is a particularly malignant specialty. We had over 100 applicants (from Quebec alone) for 6 spots. In Quebec it is probably the most competitive specialty to get into! More then plastics and opthalmo. When someone in Quebec says "I''m in peds" we all gasp in awe. In any case, I really think you are doing the right thing. Plus your program is winding down. Just remember if they are so exclusive, you don''t want to be friends with them anyways!

 

[Bliss]

Eeeeew. Those girls are terrible. I''m so sorry!

I guess you''ll just have to hang with the guys. Wedding planning is soooo iffy with certain people. I''d expect C may have turned the girls against you and now you have to deal with this crazy catty behavior. Well, do these people REALLY matter to you? If one moved to... I don''t know... to Yemen, would your life be at all affected? If the answer is no, then they really don''t matter. I know it''s a pain to be around a hostile environment but only if you choose to see it that way. I mean, people like to hang around people like them. Clearly, you''re not a catty person and therefore the cats are regarding you as an alien species. Good. Less drama that way. I''d just hang with the guys until the program/drama is over. If they come around, they will come around. If not, no biggie. They don''t matter, do they?

HUGS.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Clearly these girls--or, at least the bride--isn't your friend. And that's okay...you don't need to be friends with everyone....some people don't deserve your friendship.

Like MissKitty said, putting people into catagories helps cut out the hurt feelings. Consider this woman a "co-worker" ... nothing more, nothing less. Be polite, be kind, maybe even speak when spoken too...but outside of that, let it go. It's not worth your time, energy, or emotions.

 

[swimmer]

Thought of your situation when reading this nytimes article on females backstabbing co-workers link

hugs, you don''t need that kind of friendship.

 

[Squirrly]

i know it sucks when you have no problems with someone and would like to be friends, but that person seems to have a problem with you. i''m sorry your residency has to be accompanied by this

you''ve got lots of great advice, and i just want to second (or third or fourth..) try to let it go and move on to other people, and yes guys are much less dramatic, well it''s more they have different brands of dilemmas than girls (most of the time). hopefully these girls will realize that you''re a perfectly wonderful person to be friends with, but until then try not to be miserable and find people who already realize that

good luck!

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Thanks everyone for the kind words. It is nice to have so many different prospectives on this situation, and talking about it outside of work has really helped me work though this (I pretty much live at work right now, which is why I am not posting as much as I usually do).

Swimmer: I read that entire article, a lot of the points really hit home. I have had much more nasty run in''s with my female attendings than the male ones. I thought it was just my personality rubbed some women the wrong way. But some of them have done some very mean things to me. It was nice to put this in context of women in the work force, and not just in the medical world where you are stuck somewhere between a student and an employee.

Allycat: Peds competitive??? In the US they can''t even fill the spots. Some parts of my program are very malignant, some are not. But I hate dealing with the malignant areas. I mean we are taking care of kids..why does the environment they are healing in need to by so nasty??? Anyways, that is another topic. Peds in Quebec sounds like derm in the states.

I know that I have to transition to thinking that these girls are just co-workers, because they have proven themselves not to be friends. I see C at work everyday right now, I am working the day shift and she is pulling the night shift, thank god we don''t interact more than an hour. We are both being polite and saying nothing more than needs to be said, so it is working. Plus, I think she is not quite as completive since she has what she wants (the chief spot).

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Stay professional--polite and helpful. However insincere they may choose to be, you do not have to find yourself so.

BTW, is rank a very important element in a Residency program? I mean, what does "Chief" mean versus someone else finishing in the same year? I have heard Residents being called "Chief", but cannot say I have heard others being addressed as John, R2 or R3, etc. KWIM?

cheers--Sharon

 

[tlh]

the ladies here have given very good advice... just be nice, don''t bring up personal things at work.. and just grin and bear it.

I''d just look at them as co-workers you happen to hang out with sometimes. Doesn''t make them your friends. Sometimes we do things because our career requires it... just keep it professional. I FIND THIS SOOO HARD! My DH has no problem with it at all. He actually gave me great advice, and he''s NOT the social butterfly. People don''t REALLY care about you at all... (IE PEOPLE THAT ARE NOT YOUR GENIUNE 100% USDA CERTIFIED FRIENDS) and most the time they just ask questions out of politeness and courtesy... they don''t really care about the details, and often times they just are waiting for their turn to speak.

Next outting, hang back, don''t talk much, and anytime a question is asked, respond with "..just fine thank you" and promptly change the subject to THE OTHER PERSON. It is amazing how little you ever have to give away, because most times people don''t really care for a response...

how was your weekend?
just fine thank you, how was yours? what did you do?
blah blah blah blaah ablah and you?
Oh, noting special. How is XXXX going?

The trick is... keep responses generic and quickly go back to the other person. Keeps things pretty simple.

Keep your chin up. These ladies are "work friends" nothing more... and with their cattiness, sounds like you are better off w/o the drama. HUGS!