How to support a 15 y/o who just came out as gay?

[MaisOuiMadame]

Dear Psers,

I have may 15 y/o niece living with us for 3 years. It's a looooooong complicated story, but the main lines are a complicated family background ( binational, living on a third, unrelated to the three nationalities of both parents and children, mental illnesses).

She's a sweet rather introverted girl. She's 15 and the oldest in my home, my own children are 2-14 y/o.
Yesterday during dinner my 10 y/o asked if she'd ever been in love. She replied yes and said that she'd had a "sweetheart" and then switched to English, which my smalles children don't understand to inform me that she'd had a girlfriend and if she'd better not say it to the young cousins.

I said, whatever you are comfortable with, but with a 5 y/o and an 8y/o brace yourself for questions. So she told them. The children were very business as usual about it and wanted to see a picture, which she showed and the only comments were "she's so pretty and looks very sweet".

Then the subject changed (8 people on the dinner table, most of them very young, so our subjects tend to change quickly).

I let the other children finish dinner slightly earlier (usually finish together ) and we chatted die a bit. I found out she's apprehensive to Tel her grandparents (they are very conservative) . I told her not to worry, because my mil greatly helped her own nephew Hen his parents didn't accept his longtime partner, now husband.


She told me had informed her parent's about it, but made.ut clear to them that she didn't want to discuss it with them.

She introduced herself as a gay person (her exact words) from day one in her new school, and no problems there. That's a huge relief for me.

I'll just signal I'm here whenever she wants to talk and keep showing we're supportive.

But was there something anyone who came out would have specifically wanted from their family? Something I didn't think of at all?

 

[Bron357]

I don’t have any personal advice other than to say just treat exactly as you would if her love interest was a guy.
If you have family outings or celebrations that it would be appropriate for her to have a partner along to, make sure you let her know that the invitation is open if she wishes her girlfriend to come along.
As for the grandparents, I don’t think it needs to be “announced” whether they are conservative or liberal. who She tells, how, why or when is entirely up to her just make sure that she knows that and you are supportive of her whenever and wherever she’s needs it and it’s regardless of her sexuality.

 

[Missy]

She is a lucky girl to have you on her side supporting and loving her @kipari. I don't know anything about this issue but to say just be you and love her for her and that support will go a long way. Tell her how much you love her and how much you appreciate her telling you. And just ask her if there is anything you can do or anything she needs and of course tell her you are there for her no matter what.

 

[MaisOuiMadame]

I don’t have any personal advice other than to say just treat exactly as you would if her love interest was a guy.
If you have family outings or celebrations that it would be appropriate for her to have a partner along to, make sure you let her know that the invitation is open if she wishes her girlfriend to come along.
As for the grandparents, I don’t think it needs to be “announced” whether they are conservative or liberal. who She tells, how, why or when is entirely up to her just make sure that she knows that and you are supportive of her whenever and wherever she’s needs it and it’s regardless of her sexuality.

Thank you Bron. That's exactly how we're treatingvthe subject.

As to the grandparents: it was her who brought it up. She seems to want to tell them. So I gave more information about how they might see things. As you say. Any further actions will come from her if she wishes to ..

 

[MaisOuiMadame]

She is a lucky girl to have you on her side supporting and loving her @kipari. I don't know anything about this issue but to say just be you and love her for her and that support will go a long way. Tell her how much you love her and how much you appreciate her telling you. And just ask her if there is anything you can do or anything she needs and of course tell her you are there for her no matter what.

Thank you @missy !

That's what we're doing. I was relieved my children are also behaving accordingly and I was very touched their reaction. We brought the topic up in child appropriate ways and I was relieved that they seem to have really internalised that it's normal to love who you love.
The Marlon Bundo book really helped.

 

[kenny]

I have no parenting experience.

I think it's best to behave as though the kid being gay is no big deal, because it is no big deal.
Nothing's changed; being gay doesn't matter.
It only matters to the person she eventually pairs up with.

IMO being gay is nothing to be proud of, or be ashamed of.
It just is.

 

[MaisOuiMadame]

I have no parenting experience.

I think it's best to behave as though the kid being gay is no big deal, because it is no big deal.
Nothing's changed; being gay doesn't matter.
It only matters to the person she eventually pairs up with.

IMO being gay is nothing to be proud of, or be ashamed of.
It just is.

Yes you're absolutely right about this. And that's the way our conversation has happened yesterday.

However the reality today is still that for some people it is a reason to to be nasty to others. That's entirely on them, if course.

But for a 15 y/o who has just changed continents , family, school systems, living environment and principal everyday language it's an awful lot to deal with at once. As if being 15 isn't confusing enough!!

That's why I'm trying to be as supportive as I can.

 

[Matata]

However the reality today is still that for some people it is a reason to to be nasty to others. That's entirely on them, if course.

But for a 15 y/o who has just changed continents , family, school systems, living environment and principal everyday language it's an awful lot to deal with at once. As if being 15 isn't confusing enough!!

^ Spot on.

I suggest professional counseling to help her develop coping and defensive skills against detractors as well as finding gay social groups and even a mentor if possible to help guide and support her through the pitfalls of intolerance that she'll unfortunately encounter.

 

[MaisOuiMadame]

^ Spot on.

I suggest professional counseling to help her develop coping and defensive skills against detractors as well as finding gay social groups and even a mentor if possible to help guide and support her through the pitfalls of intolerance that she'll unfortunately encounter.

Thank you for your suggestion, @Matata .

I had a very nice discussion with her after dinner and I actually looking proposed looking into coaching to her .

It's a fine line to walk and present this as something empowering and useful and NOT lo Ike : You need help (because something is "different" for you) . The discussion was going and we'll and was very open . It went over as intended and I'll keep checking back when / his she's wants to start...

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Your niece already knows you will support her: your family has invited her into your loving fold. If that isn't the biggest hug, I don't know what is. Hence her honesty, she trusts you.

@kipari you are an amazing person. Thank goodness for loving, honorable people like you (your DH, etc) in this world. Comforting really. Thank you.

cheers--Sharon

 

[TooPatient]

A friend shared a post on FB after her son started seeing a guy from a group he was in. There was no announcement, not even to family. He was welcome just the same as all other gf/bf were at appropriate gatherings. There was no special talk or anything other than the same as her daughter recently got when she mentioned her bf. The post she shared was great. The gist was that any person who was involved with her kids was welcome. No need to announce. No need to "come out" as there is nothing to be hiding. All are welcome.
She went on to participate in various pride events when he wanted to be active at them and welcomed her to be with. It has been great seeing her share and talk about him and his bf no differently than her daughter and her bf.

Anyway, I hope the ramble makes some sense. Just welcome the gf same as you would a bf. No more, no less.

 

[MaisOuiMadame]

HI:

Your niece already knows you will support her: your family has invited her into your loving fold. If that isn't the biggest hug, I don't know what is. Hence her honesty, she trusts you.

@kipari you are an amazing person. Thank goodness for loving, honorable people like you (your DH, etc) in this world. Comforting really. Thank you.

cheers--Sharon

Aw, thank you so much, Sharon. This made my day. Much love across the miles!

 

[MaisOuiMadame]

A friend shared a post on FB after her son started seeing a guy from a group he was in. There was no announcement, not even to family. He was welcome just the same as all other gf/bf were at appropriate gatherings. There was no special talk or anything other than the same as her daughter recently got when she mentioned her bf. The post she shared was great. The gist was that any person who was involved with her kids was welcome. No need to announce. No need to "come out" as there is nothing to be hiding. All are welcome.
She went on to participate in various pride events when he wanted to be active at them and welcomed her to be with. It has been great seeing her share and talk about him and his bf no differently than her daughter and her bf.

Anyway, I hope the ramble makes some sense. Just welcome the gf same as you would a bf. No more, no less.

Thank you, @TooPatient.
As I already said directed to Kenny: she's got a lot going on right now in her life and I just wanted to make sure I don't overlook anything. Our communication is very good, but apparently she herself wishes to tell her grandparents as well and seems to be apprehensive.

 

[Jambalaya]

I haven't read all the responses, but if it were me, I just wouldn't make a big thing of it either way.