How do you reconnect with you significant other?

[Gypsy]

Get your minds outa the gutter. I didn''t mean THAT kind of reconnect.

What I mean is... every relationship goes through cycles. How do you kick start a positive cycle when you both need a relationship equivalent of a ''restart'' button?

Therapy? A weekend away? Ship the kids off to boarding school? Board the pets? Screen your calls so your MIL can''t find you? Turn off PS and concentrate on your SO?

What works for you?

 

[Italiahaircolor]

For me...it''s just the act of spending time together.

We''ve never reached a point where reconnecting was an immediate need. But, overall, for us what keeps us fresh is just spending quality time. It doesn''t so much matter what we do...just that we''re together and enjoy our time. Sometimes its a vacation, other times it''s just exploring a new town and find fun things to do there. Watching a movie together. Whatever. It''s just the quality time that keeps us in sync.

 

[Scorpioanne]

We put more effort into spending time together, some things we do are go for drives or long walks. We communicate really well generally but those chats we have in the car or while walking take on a deeper level. We spend conscious time together instead of him watching his shows downstairs and me upstairs we''ll watch a movie or find a show we can compromise on.

 

[IloveAsschers13]

We go through phases of fighting... For example, when we moved in together last August, I think we were both getting adjusted and were slammed with school. We fought A LOT. We always kind of have to hash it out... we normally have a big fight of yelling at each other and me getting really upset, and then we spend a lot of time together. Normally it''s laying in bed and watching movies, sleeping in, and laying in bed together all day talking and cuddling. One time we watched 3 lifetime movies in a row... It kind of rejuvenates our feelings of happiness with each other.

 

[D&T]

for us, we need a date night, or an all day hang out session without the kids. This is harder since we don''t have any family in the state, and we feel guilty having another baby sitter for the kiddos after bringing them home from all day daycare

. So the once in a long great while we take advantage of our family when they do visit.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Ditto to most of the others - time is the most important component. But we''ve discovered that there are a lot of things we can do that help promote truly connecting during that time. One thing that really helps for us is trying something new together - whether its as fancy as traveling to a new place, or whether its as simple as trying a new recipe together at home, experiencing something neither of us has experienced, or that one of us wants to share with the other, helps a lot. We love trying new restaurants together, for example. They don''t have to be fancy or anything - just enjoying a new and different meal together is fun.

Another thing that helps for us is getting away from the outside world. So for us, that means not taking calls/e-mails from work, and really focusing on each other.

Going away for a couple days is another favorite - we love going on vacation together. Again, it often comes down to experiencing something new, together, just on a longer/larger scale.

 

[icekid]

Spending time together that involves just being together! No TV, no movies, no distractions. We take a walk together on nights when I get home early enough and the weather is nice.

It does not need to be HOURS, but non-distracted time together is essential.

We love vacations together too; building memories and experiences together that will last forever! Important things to look back on when times get a bit rough

 

[Elmorton]

Recently we''ve realized that reconnecting is important - we''re still in that newlywed thing, but life just takes over I think regardless of how many years you''ve been married/together. For us, it''s mini-travel that''s the answer. We go somewhere a couple hours away, spend the weekend, plan some things to do, but mostly just plan to spend time talking and laughing and getting away from home. We have a trip coming up in a few weeks and I can''t wait!!

 

[Kaleigh]

Getting away helps. We have done that a lot lately, it''s helped tremendously. He can work from anywhere, but when we are away, that blackberry isn''t used as much...

If you can''t get away, turn off the phones, the computer, have a tech free date night. I wish I could kill his blackberry, and the cell and the computer. When I am out, I am out... But it takes him some time to get adjusted...

So like I said, we go away.. Some how the stress rolls off of him. He''s into taking walks, going out to lunch, to dinner, and whatever I want to do. It''s sooo much fun. We are like two kids. It''s kinda funny, but wouldn''t trade it for anything.

 

[LaurenThePartier]

Date: 5/18/2009 9:02:43 PM
Author: icekid
Spending time together that involves just being together! No TV, no movies, no distractions. We take a walk together on nights when I get home early enough and the weather is nice.

It does not need to be HOURS, but non-distracted time together is essential.

We love vacations together too; building memories and experiences together that will last forever! Important things to look back on when times get a bit rough

That''s exactly what W and I do . . . evening walks, mini vacations, long vacations. . .

 

[isaku5]

For us, when the kids were young and we were both working, it was a weekend away while my MIL looked after the kids.

Once the kids were on their own, it was a yearly winter vacation to someplace warm. For the past two years (seems more like 20, though!), we''ve been renovating and re-decorating and our annual vacations were not in the budget. Huge mistake!!!

Right now, we need a vacation or getaway so badly it''s not even funny.

 

[lyra]

Communication. Being unselfish, taking the time to stop and really listen to him and his hopes and dreams no matter how small. Supporting him in his hobbies. Small stuff adds up.

Going on 26 years in 4 months, and we''re going to get matching wedding bands to celebrate togetherness. His choice, because I''ve always had my choice in the past.

 

[mia1181]

Yes definitely getting away helps us. We spend a lot of time together so "date nights" really don''t cut it. We typically go out to eat a lot anyway and we always use that face-to-face time to talk about more meaningful things. But getting away for a weekend trip really helps us to kind of get into a really happy and positive space. I think it has to do with having new experiences instead of the regular day-to-day stuff.

 

[kama_s]

Exponentially increase cuddle time! Have you ever spent 30 minutes doing nothing but kissing?? Nothing more, nothing less, just working those merkel cells

It''s an amazing feeling, and instantly brings us closer.

P.S.: I dont mean full on tongue action, but just gentle kissing on the lips.

 

[AdiS]

Date: 5/19/2009 1:35:16 AM
Author: kama_s
Exponentially increase cuddle time! Have you ever spent 30 minutes doing nothing but kissing?? Nothing more, nothing less, just working those merkel cells

It''s an amazing feeling, and instantly brings us closer.

P.S.: I dont mean full on tongue action, but just gentle kissing on the lips.

Big ditto, kama! Getting away for a long weekend together and evening dates always help too.

I don''t actually believe in therapy. Don''t mean to offend anyone who does, of course! I just don''t think it would be helpful to my relationship to discuss it with or in front of someone else, instead of my hubby. But I''ve seen it work wonders for others, so to each his own, I guess.

 

[chiquitapet]

We plan a day off together. Often with our work and my crazy inconsistent rosters we don''t see each other as much as we`d like to. So when I have a Saturday or Sunday off, DH lets work know ahead he`d like that day off too and we just spend it together. Being together is the main ingredient - we sleep in, spend hours in bed - just talking/cuddling, go out for a walk/nice meal/movie. We`re actually lucky this weekend - both of us are off on Sat and Sun - very rare for us!

 

[bee*]

Going away on a little break really helps us. We''re both so busy day to day that it''s lovely getting time for us when we go away.

 

[doodle]

MY husband started a new job a little over a year ago, and his new work schedule is INSANE. We were both feeling the strain for a while there of him constantly being on-call and having a work phone and laptop strapped to his person at all times, so to combat the not getting to spend so much time together when he IS on-call, when he isn''t DH and I spend at least an hour together every day, no electronics allowed, just the two of us, and it''s awesome. We usually wind up just playing cards together or cooking something, nothing fancy, but just something low-key that gives us the opportunity to talk and be silly and have fun together. We also have what we jokingly call "Squishy Sunday" where we get out a bottle of massage oil and both get a back rub, but with both our schedules being so crazy, this usually leads to nap time, haha!

 

[honey22]

Date: 5/19/2009 1:35:16 AM
Author: kama_s
Exponentially increase cuddle time! Have you ever spent 30 minutes doing nothing but kissing?? Nothing more, nothing less, just working those merkel cells

It''s an amazing feeling, and instantly brings us closer.

P.S.: I dont mean full on tongue action, but just gentle kissing on the lips.

Ditto karma! My FI and I are really big kissers, to the point our family sometimes teases us about it, but I think you can underestimate the emotion and love that comes from a simple kiss.

And cuddles! Cuddles are important. The normal ones! Brings us closer every time. I love cuddling my baby

 

[Lilac]

A couple years ago when we were dating, our schedules had become so busy that we didn''t see each other as much, and when we did we were both so stressed out and tired that we didn''t spend real quality time together enjoying each other''s company. So we decided Thursday night would be "date night" - we still went about our lives as usual, seeing each other every day as we always did, but every Thursday night we looked forward SO MUCH to being able to go out and do something fun together. We never went to the movies that night because we wanted to do something that would bring us closer together and we could talk - we usually started off with dinner (and when we wanted to save money we went for really cheap dinner or if it was nice outside packed food and went for a picnic), then we went to starbucks to sit and talk, or mini-golfing, or to an arcade, or anywhere we could enjoy ourselves and just reconnect for 3 or 4 hours. We loved it. (This was especially wonderful during the engagement period when we were both so stressed out, we always knew date night was the one night we wouldn''t talk at all about the wedding - other than about how excited we were to finally be getting married!)

Since we''ve gotten married we haven''t really focused on going on date night because I''ve had late classes till 9 at night and he''s been working long hours, but I think we''re both really starting to feel it. The strain of school and work is getting to us, which is why I''m sooo happy I just have one more final and then Thursday we''re off to California for vacation! We''ve never been on vacation together, so I''m really looking forward to it. I''ve been reading everyone''s responses to this question and it seems many people feel a vacation is a great way to reconnect, so I can''t wait for that! (And it''s a 6 hour flight I won''t sleep on... so that''s a lot of talking time

)

Cuddling is always a great option also to at least connect you for a short time - we love to cuddle and every morning before DH goes to work he sets his alarm a little early so we can cuddle for a few minutes before he gets up to leave.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

1. We openly admit to each other that we need to reconnect and we commit to making an effort to rekindle things.
2. We have date night on Friday and then spend Saturday in bed. I''ll make breakfast and we''ll read the paper, watch movies, and get it on.

We try to do this at least once a month.

 

[Shoopy]

Sometimes just a hug gets us on a positive cycle. We have had moments where things were really tense between us. We wouldn''t give each other the silent treatment or the cold shoulder but we were off. So he''d either grab me out of nowhere and give me a hug or I''d curl up next to him on the couch. That''s usually all it takes to start that positive cycle again.

In our years together I''ve learned to never be afraid to initiate contact even when I know we''re having an off moment. A friend of mine refuses to initiate contact with her DH when they are fighting. She always felt like either he had to do it or that it was inappropriate or that he would reject her attempts. We have tried not to be like that and it has worked for us.

 

[princesss]

I love taking day trips. BF and I went to the zoo a few weeks ago and had a blast. He''s got this whole weekend off (I get a three day weekend, so I''m even MORE into doing something this weekend) and even though I want to go up to VA I don''t think it''s going to happen. So I think Sunday we''ll have a date day and go somewhere. I kind of wish I liked roller coasters because we could go to the amusement park. But it''s no fun to just stand in line so he can ride a ride.

Usually just taking time off to do something together helps. Even if it''s boring stuff like mowing the lawn, doing it together is great. It''s also a lot of fun to take the dog to the dog park, or go on a hike. Just something that gets us away from our habits and gets us offline and lets us interact helps a TON.

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Date: 5/19/2009 8:58:24 AM
Author: fieryred33143
Sometimes just a hug gets us on a positive cycle. We have had moments where things were really tense between us. We wouldn''t give each other the silent treatment or the cold shoulder but we were off. So he''d either grab me out of nowhere and give me a hug or I''d curl up next to him on the couch. That''s usually all it takes to start that positive cycle again.

This is generally how we are. Just being together really revamps us both. It''s funny this thread was made, because we''ve both been really busy lately. And I was thinking when I went to bed last night how neat it was that yesterday evening, we both just sat on in the living room - me on the couch, him in the recliner - and watched a show of ours together. Just doing that and being there together was the greatest, and kind of revamped me. Instead of me in one room on my laptop, and him in the spare room at the other computer, just being together is so much better. I can''t wait to see how fun it''ll be to go on a nice vacation together one day!

 

[Bia]

Movie-marathon-cuddle-time is our new thing (we didn''t name it or anything LOL). We find movies we really want to see and watch them back to back in our living room. We make a comfy little bed on our couch and get lots of snacks, we order in food, drink some wine, and just cuddle. We also shut off the ringers on our phones. It is fun just hanging out, talking, laughing, cuddling, smooching, eating...etc. That''s all we need, because it gives us a chance to *be* together, as opposed to just living together. And it revitalizes us.

Another thing we do is we like to go on hikes with our dog. We usually bring a picnic lunch, or go out to eat. Plus we bring our camera and take lots of goofy pictures.

 

[Gypsy]

Thanks everyone for the ideas! The last couple weeks have been frankly stressful, so... we wanted to get away for a day this weekend, maybe overnight (the begbug thing still has me freaked) and re-charge. But we also had a lot of quality time last night talking and that helped. Generally we have a very good relationship, which is why rough patches sometimes scare me dispropotionately. You guys helped me with realizing that spending time together, just the two of us... away was probably the best remedy for what ails us.

 

[Little Monster]

Here''s a few of Little Monster & Big Monster''s ways to reconnect :p

-take the dogs for a long walk together (when we 1st started dating, my BF thought I asked him to come along on walks because I couldn''t control the pups... WRONG... I just wanted some extra time with him :p )

-save 1 or 2 TV shows to watch together each week (we DVR a lot of things & we watch most of it separately since we''re on different schedules, but these few shows we watch together only... which makes them even more fun)

-run errands together (yes, we''re nuts, but somehow we make trips to Lowes fun... and with a new house, we''re there often!)

-make sure we get to the gym together at least once a week. We''re there a lot more during the week, but by being there together once in a while we can help each other out, motivate each other & see improvement that the other might not see!

-always talk at night, even if just for a minute, before we go to bed (both of us work rotating day/night schedules so sometimes we completely miss each other for a few days... so this helps us stay connected & lets us work on things together even if the other is not around)

-start a big project together - something that we''re both interested in or want... a few of these have been: repainting the house, setting up a new fish tank, selling a ton of stuff on Ebay to clean out our closets... somehow doing any of these things together makes it less dreadful than if we did it alone...



-best of luck : )