How do YOU "break up" with a friend?

[seaurchin]

I've always heard there are two reasons to leave a friend or acquaintance behind, "with" cause and "without cause," and that "without cause" is harder. Of course there would be reasons so "without cause" means they didn't commit some big offense that made them "deserve" to be dropped.

How have you tended to end friendships that you no longer wanted to keep up? Does how you end it depend on how close a friendship it is? Why would you decide to end a friendship?

 

[YadaYadaYada]

I have unfriended with and without cause. Sometimes people just grow apart, so I guess that would be considered without cause. Why continue the friendship of it doesn’t add value or bring joy, life is too short.

One thing is for sure, I always tell the friend, never do that silent unfriending or “slow fade” B.S. because I’ve been on the receiving end and it is cowardly and cruel. No, I tell the friend and yes it is uncomfortable especially in the absence of some major offense, but it’s the only way IMO.

 

[MRBXXXFVVS1]

Friendships take a long time to cultivate. It's OK to grow a part. If there's no event or reason to "break-up" with someone, I would just let the friendship drift apart. Don't initiate contact or do so less frequently. You never know when things or events will bring you closer again, no need to burn bridges.

 

[seaurchin]

My two coppers: If a friendship ends "with cause," I'd guess it would be obvious why anyway.

But as far as "without cause," personally I think it's usually kinder to fade out or stop returning calls than to tell someone in their face that you don't want them around anymore. I'd probably be mortified if someone said that to me and I don't recall anyone ever saying that to me (aside from break-ups with boyfriends). And at my age I've had a lot of friends and acquaintances come and go, so I'd guess the direct method is not very common.

I'd probably only have that discussion with someone if there was anything I wanted to possibly work out with them or if they wouldn't back off. Otherwise, if my decision was already made, then most likely not. I can take a hint and feel that others should be able to also.

I hate being hounded and recall being cornered once into telling someone to go away. Even though I didn't even know her that well, the more I tried to back away, the more she pushed. I always even taught my kids that if someone doesn't call you back a few times or turns down your offers a few times without offering alternative plans, you need to leave them alone, not keep pushing yourself on them. Anyway, this person did not appreciate the "honesty" that she demanded at all but instead burst into tears and begged and omg ugh.

However, I'm sure there could be exceptions. For ex., it also depends on how close you are to someone. I mean, if you're best friends that's different from someone you've only known for a relatively short time or who you are on more of an acquaintance level with. But then I think it would be unusual to still be best friends by that point anyway. Not that it feels great anyway, however it's done and whichever side of it you're on. JMHO

 

[bludiva]

i've only had one friend that i can remember where it wasn't a case of just growing apart over time. she was sending some super rude texts and i told her to cut it out or we weren't going to be friends. did not speak to her for like a year, she apologized and we hang out occasionally now but it's at more of a distance.

i used to really hate the idea that you could have friends slowly fade in and out of your life but even with my very closest friend, there are times we're more in each other's lives and times we don't talk or see each other as often.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Apparently I just did not take the hint when my friend of 20 years tried to slow fade me, that’s why I feel strongly about it I guess. It seems like that is the more socially acceptable thing to do however. Looking back I didn’t take the hint and ended up feeling like an idiot. It never occurred to me that she would just not want to be friends suddenly after all that time without any catalyst.

So yeah, I guess I’m a bit socially awkward in that respect.

 

[seaurchin]

Apparently I just did not take the hint when my friend of 20 years tried to slow fade me, that’s why I feel strongly about it I guess. It seems like that is the more socially acceptable thing to do however. Looking back I didn’t take the hint and ended up feeling like an idiot. It never occurred to me that she would just not want to be friends suddenly after all that time without any catalyst.

So yeah, I guess I’m a bit socially awkward in that respect.

To me, that would definitely be an exception. I would not expect that type of treatment after twenty years of friendship either but would probably have read her lack of response as her being temporarily super busy or having some kind of life problems.

 

[Cerulean]

I’m struggling with this right now.

a friend I’ve had for a long time has become very unstable and is very draining to deal with. They’ve siphoned so much energy from me that I just can’t manage it anymore.

I am trying not to be cruel and say “I can’t be friends anymore” so have tried to slowly back away, but it seems the more I try to create distance the more firmly they grip.

not sure how to best manage as I worry about hurting their feelings as they are not in a great place. I know that’s when you really should support friends, but it’s a type of destructiveness that I just can’t afford to be near.

 

[Ally T]

This has only happened to me once & it hurt. I had a friend who was older than me, whom I met when I was at High school & I looked after her children a lot. I mean A LOT. Her husband was a long haul pilot & she was a social butterfly. These girls have children of their own now, but they still call on me rather than her.

Anyway, fast forward 15 years from the endless exam revision sat at her table after putting her kids to bed every night & I got engaged to Mr. T. Well she didn't like that at all. She was very possessive of me as a friend & couldn't share my happines. She came to meet Mr T for a drink & to congratulate us, but then she tumbleweeded out of my life. I had no idea why she stopped returning messages & calls? A week before my wedding she messaged out of the blue saying her eldest was ill & they couldn't make it. I was gutted. I wanted my 'babies' there on my big day. It was only years later when the youngest called me & asked to meet, that she told me how bitter their mother bad become. And as for my wedding, she'd told the girls the week before that I had over invited guests, so I had un-invited them as I didn't room. They had cried for a long time, which broke my heart.

I still have no idea why she behaved that way. We have had zero communication since she blew out my wedding 14 years ago. But I see the girls & their children, one of which lives in Cyprus which is why I travel out there every year. Those girls are so important to me, and I to them. They have both since cut off their mother.

Sometimes we can't explain people's behaviour & have to move on.

 

[seaurchin]

I've run into this more lately because I'm trying to form new friendships or pick up old ones again now that I have more time.

More often than not, after a few months of getting to know each other better, my new friendships don't make the progression to close friendships. I swear it's like dating but without the good part haha.

My reasons have varied. For ex., learning that they are super conservative/religious in a way that's just too much for me; Too messed up and needy, like in Cerulean's post above. Or not willing to fit in with the boundaries of my marriage, like always pushing me to go off with them more than I want (which I guess is really them wanting something different than I do out of the friendship). Things that make me conclude that it's a dead end.

Then, I prefer to easily fade out but sometimes they don't accept it and then I might block them, especially if they get too demanding or nasty. I feel like I could use a little more finesse there but not sure how. (Or maybe it's just kinda sucky regardless and that's that). When they seem to want to move on from me, well it never feels good to not be wanted but I back off once I catch on.

 

[seaurchin]

@Cerulean - Not sure if this helps but maybe you could tell them you have a lot going on right now so you might not always be able to get back to them right away. That puts them on notice that "things are different now" and that they can't expect as much from you, making it easier to back off. Maybe lol.

@Ally T - No idea if this figures in but one thing that caught my eye was your connection to your former friend's kids. I noticed that you said you "wanted your babies there on your big day." I know you meant that tongue-in-cheek but still, when mine were little I did not like any other adult to get too close with my kids independent of me. A mothering instinct, I guess.

So perhaps that was all okay with her as long as it was just you, her and her kids (and you doing so much babysitting for her). But when you got a significant other, maybe she didn't want her kids close to you without her as the central figure in the dynamic anymore. I could be way off, especially since she seems to have other issues so just a thought fwiw.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

I think it’s harder to make friends as adults, and the ease of making friends as children can leave us ill-prepared for the challenge.

 

[Cerulean]

@Cerulean - Not sure if this helps but maybe you could tell them you have a lot going on right now so you might not always be able to get back to them right away. That puts them on notice that "things are different now" and that they can't expect as much from you, making it easier to back off. Maybe lol.

@Ally T - No idea if this figures in but one thing that caught my eye was your connection to your former friend's kids. I noticed that you said you "wanted your babies there on your big day." When mine were little, I did not like any other adult to get too close with my kids independent of me. A mothering instinct, I guess.

So perhaps that was all okay with her as long as it was just you, her and her kids (and you doing so much babysitting for her). But when you got a significant other, maybe she didn't like that new dynamic or want her kids too close to you if he, and not she, was the new central figure in it then, if I'm explaining myself right. I could be way off, especially since she seems to have other issues so just a thought fwiw.

I appreciate this. This might be a good tact to take. Thank you

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

I've never broken up with anyone or been broken up with. I think we just drift apart and no one tries to save the friendship. Very natural progression. I'm a believer that you need certain things at certain times in your life and it just moves with time.

 

[kenny]

I've never broken up with anyone or been broken up with. I think we just drift apart and no one tries to save the friendship. Very natural progression. I'm a believer that you need certain things at certain times in your life and it just moves with time.

I like that.
Good attitude.
Over 6 decades I've mutually drifted apart from several fine people who were capable of 'taking a hint'.

Also, there are two ex-friends I had to dump.
I did my best to "drift apart", but they followed, and followed, and followed.
After decades of not responding to his emails and christmas newsletters telling me I'm going to hell if I don't go back to jesus, one ex-friend (that psycho fanatical fire and brimstone christian childhood friend I've posted about) finally searched me out and called people in my industry and vicinity to try to find out more about me.

What creepy, chilling, stalking behavior! UGH!
I finally sent an abrupt and curt "Leave me alone! ..." email just last night.
I intentionally did not explain anything.
The timing of this thread is an astonishing coincidence.

They say don't burn bridges.
But some bridges are full of holes that drop you into the water, burning those bridges is healthy and wise.

Priority 1 is looking out for your own peace and mental health.
People who had good parents learned to do that.
I didn't, and it's been a hard lesson.

Thank glob I no longer am guilted and shamed into taking care of the feelings of people who are, to me, toxic.
I feel sorry for people who think they are being nice, when actually they are being not nice to themselves.

 

[stracci2000]

I had to end a friendship several years ago.
I liked her a lot, and she was fun to be around. She was a drama queen, but I could put up with that.
But when she started doing drugs, I couldn't be around her anymore.
I didn't return her calls. I felt bad, but I had to do it.

 

[gregchang35]

we generally drift apart.
but there has been 2 within the last 6mo, that i have had to break up with.
both of them were draining and possibly passive aggressive.

one was a simple phrase. he stated he f'd up and i confirmed it and stopped all comms with him. Am sure he will approach in the distant future, and I will review. He is a nice guy but he was going thru a second divorce. I know that he has closer friends than me, and i am fine with that, but don't treat me like sh-)(*.

another was quite dramatic. it was all about him and his issues. he rarely asked about me. I know he has a mental health issue and he is under care of specialists. He was beginning to hold me accountable for the little time that we talked on the phone. he confirmed that my time with him was appreciated but limited. He also knows I have 2 businesses and 4 kids (I have stated that to him and he acknowledged it). But, he wanted more. Citing his other friends are more amenable and i was going to throw away x years of friendship.

So, I told him that I cannot be the friend that he needs.

it was quite liberating when the end occurred. However, the latter still worries me a little as he had tried several times to take his life. But, I have to stay away, for my sanity.

 

[foxinsox]

I usually find that friendships ebb and flow and that it’s seldom for any strong reason other than change of life stuff for me or the other person.
I do have one person who.. I don’t want to be close friends with any longer. I cannot tell him why because he has mental health issues and wouldn’t be able to hear my reasons why I don’t enjoy our friendship any longer. I know it would just hurt him so I’m mostly fading it and we socialise with him and his partner occasionally.

 

[Ally T]

@Cerulean - Not sure if this helps but maybe you could tell them you have a lot going on right now so you might not always be able to get back to them right away. That puts them on notice that "things are different now" and that they can't expect as much from you, making it easier to back off. Maybe lol.

@Ally T - No idea if this figures in but one thing that caught my eye was your connection to your former friend's kids. I noticed that you said you "wanted your babies there on your big day." I know you meant that tongue-in-cheek but still, when mine were little I did not like any other adult to get too close with my kids independent of me. A mothering instinct, I guess.

So perhaps that was all okay with her as long as it was just you, her and her kids (and you doing so much babysitting for her). But when you got a significant other, maybe she didn't want her kids close to you without her as the central figure in the dynamic anymore. I could be way off, especially since she seems to have other issues so just a thought fwiw.

@Cerulean - Not sure if this helps but maybe you could tell them you have a lot going on right now so you might not always be able to get back to them right away. That puts them on notice that "things are different now" and that they can't expect as much from you, making it easier to back off. Maybe lol.

@Ally T - No idea if this figures in but one thing that caught my eye was your connection to your former friend's kids. I noticed that you said you "wanted your babies there on your big day." I know you meant that tongue-in-cheek but still, when mine were little I did not like any other adult to get too close with my kids independent of me. A mothering instinct, I guess.

So perhaps that was all okay with her as long as it was just you, her and her kids (and you doing so much babysitting for her). But when you got a significant other, maybe she didn't want her kids close to you without her as the central figure in the dynamic anymore. I could be way off, especially since she seems to have other issues so just a thought fwiw.

I'm not sure? She seemed to go completely off the rails around the time i became engaged, to the point the girls were wanting to go & live with their father, who had divorced her by then. They were unable to due to his work, but they talk about how unhappy they were. They both left for University at 18 & never returned home. Neither girl invited her to their weddings & she hasn't met her grandchildren. Apparently she's a UFO hunter these days & spends all night chatting on line to other hunters in the US, plus she's a huge conspiracy theorist.

It's sad, because she was always such a good laugh & we were genuinely friends. She looked way younger than her years & in my early 20's she used to come on nights out with me & my friends. She even used to take me on holidays abroad to entertain the girls because "you're better with them that I am". I genuinely felt like a part of that family & am thankful the girls still turn to me when they need to.

Her daughters tell me that because she was very bitter after her divorce, she assumed I would be by her side whenever she needed me. But when I met Mr T, she couldn't bare the thought of me having an exciting life away from her. She also told them that my marriage wouldn't last & was just very bitter about my happiness. It was around this time that the girls walked away from her & neither have any contact these days.

 

[seafarm]

A little off topic but I thought I’d share this poem.
It was sent to me by a friend many, many years ago.…we are still friends. She is obviously a ’lifetime’.

 

[peacechick]

I have ended two close friendships. Both of these friends were at one time my best friend. One had been my best friend since childhood, someone that I repeatedly stuck up for many times. I also kept her secret when she, at 17, ran away with a much older man (something that I look back on and regret), and also tried to be that rock for her when she went through crises. But one day it was like the scales fell off my eyes, and I realized what an energy vampire she was, and why I always felt so bad about myself after being with her. Back then I didn’t know how to deal with it so I just cut her off, refused to answer her messages or meet with her. It was cowardly but I didn’t know how to explain any of it to her in a way that wouldn’t be destructive. I was in a fragile mental state and it was about self-preservation.

The second break up was in a way much cleaner but I actually still mourn it at times. It was an intense friendship with a girl I still consider one of the most brilliant girls I ever knew, but she was also hyper-sensitive and moody. She cut me off first with a long email filled with accusations of things I didn’t do. Weirdly enough, I wasn’t angry (maybe because I understood more about mental health by then) and I waited for her to heal. We made attempts over the next few years to repair the friendship but somehow the bridge didn’t get built and I later ended things for good so we could move on.

It is not easy to break up with a close friend. I’m the type who only has a very small inner circle, and every time feels like you’re cutting off a part of yourself. But you have to do it if that branch is rotting or diseased. I try to only surround myself with good energy now and people who want only the best for me.

 

[Missy]

I cannot give advice on how to break up with a friend simply because each friendship is different and unique.

I will say once a relationship becomes toxic it is best to leave it. How you do it depends.

Generally I prefer the organic way and what happens happens.

Only twice in my life did I have a true issue with very toxic people. Coincidentally from the same group of friends lol. Both very nasty people deep down but one did a great job at hiding it and if you meet her at first you think she is the sweetest. But it is all FAKE. 100% fake. She has two sides to her almost like a split personality and if you are lucky you see her true side before you get invested. I wasn't so lucky and it took a couple of years to see who she really was. But to be fair to me it was a long distance relationship so the unraveling of who she was took time simply because I didn't see her. Talking via phone is entirely different than seeing someone all the time in person. At least it was with her. Anyway I am grateful I didn't waste more time and energy on our supposed friendship and I learned a valuable lesson from it.

All this to say there are no hard and fast rules. Do what feels best for you. I am a very upfront person and prefer to tell it like it is and end on polite terms. With some relationships this is not possible. Fortunately for me I only had a truly toxic "friendship" once with these 2 girls (at the same time) and I don't regret it because I learned so much. People can be shi**y and that really got driven home to me during that time. Of course they are the way they are due to their history and it was unfortunate that they couldn't overcome their difficult childhoods. I do feel sorry for them.

Life is short. Spend it with people you love who are kind and genuinely nice. I don't have time nor energy for drama and hysterics. Some people have way too much time on their hands. And happy people are nice people IMO and nasty people are miserable people. I have always found that to be true. So ultimately I feel sorry for those two girls. But they are no longer my problem. Thank goodness.

 

[GliderPoss]

I’ve probably let a few drift away, mostly due to circumstances like moving far away etc. everyone had kids and initially I found it hard to relate.

Only one incident really stands out to me - a good friend who suddenly came into my life when I was going through my separation from my exH. He was young & fun (gay) and we were besties for a time, I saw him every day and he was very a huge comfort during a tough time. However he always was VERY dramatic and I started to notice things like he always needed money or help or something else. Lots of little “exaggerations” didn’t quite add up…. He had a huge falling out with his fiancé over money and it was very sad. Finally I decided to move away interstate & he begged to move with me.

I got a call from his family who straight up told me he was a pathological liar and stole money, cheated people etc. It all started to make sense and when I sat down & compared notes with his fiancé and a other mutual friends, we were genuinely shocked at how bad it was. He had lied from day one.

He suddenly decided to go on holiday with another old friend and whilst away I made up my mind to completely cut ties. I sent a brief text wishing him all the best but making it clear I never wanted to renew our friendship. I then blocked him on every media form. It was a horrible thing to do but I don’t regret it!

As Missy says life is short, don’t waste time on people who don’t deserve it.

 

[Cerulean]

Well, I actually did the “break up” with my friend finally - this thread gave me a bit of courage but it needed to happen

I took @seaurchin ’s advice…it still didn’t go well. In fact, they harassed me via text for a few hours afterwards.

Oh well. Just further reinforces why I needed to step away at least until they figure their life out!

good luck to anyone dealing with it. It was not fun but I’m relieved

 

[LilAlex]

I read this whole thread because I wondered if people actually "broke up" with friends for no good reason (i.e., "without cause"). After reading, it sounds like all the "for-no-good-reason" breakups have been for pretty good reasons. I mean maybe not for sleeping with your spouse but still for easy-to-articulate reasons.

Mine have been of the drift-apart variety. New cities, new work cohorts, new relationships,...

 

[dk168]

Friends come and go, it is part of growing up and growing old.

I am good, and some would say too good, at blanking and ignoring people.
Friendship works both ways, and the ones I have lost touch with just drifted apart and/or due to lack of communications.

With social media such as FB (the only one I do on a regular basis), it is easier to just ghost people, to block or restrict what they can see. That's what happened with an ex-gentleman friend very recently, when I decided I have had enough of his antagonism and sniping as it was getting me down lately.

DK

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

This has only happened to me once & it hurt. I had a friend who was older than me, whom I met when I was at High school & I looked after her children a lot. I mean A LOT. Her husband was a long haul pilot & she was a social butterfly. These girls have children of their own now, but they still call on me rather than her.

Anyway, fast forward 15 years from the endless exam revision sat at her table after putting her kids to bed every night & I got engaged to Mr. T. Well she didn't like that at all. She was very possessive of me as a friend & couldn't share my happines. She came to meet Mr T for a drink & to congratulate us, but then she tumbleweeded out of my life. I had no idea why she stopped returning messages & calls? A week before my wedding she messaged out of the blue saying her eldest was ill & they couldn't make it. I was gutted. I wanted my 'babies' there on my big day. It was only years later when the youngest called me & asked to meet, that she told me how bitter their mother bad become. And as for my wedding, she'd told the girls the week before that I had over invited guests, so I had un-invited them as I didn't room. They had cried for a long time, which broke my heart.

I still have no idea why she behaved that way. We have had zero communication since she blew out my wedding 14 years ago. But I see the girls & their children, one of which lives in Cyprus which is why I travel out there every year. Those girls are so important to me, and I to them. They have both since cut off their mother.

Sometimes we can't explain people's behaviour & have to move on.

i remember your story from another thread
it still causes shivers down my spine
im so glad you got to reconnect with the kids, i feel so sad and angry at what she told them about not going to your wedding
that was just unnecessarily cruel and manipulative and vindictive
she was obviously jealous of your relationship with your now hubbie and also insecure of her own,.with you
someone who dose that - you're better off without them (poor kids though)