How do you and your partner budget for bling?

[pearaffair]

I ask because right now my husband and I have been married for two years, and we share all of our money in one pot. He cannot see the value of buying jewellery (to him, it is a total waste of money) so purchasing anything is out of the question unless I save up for it. But I don't have a banking spot to save up for it - we just have the one pot. Our short-term savings are earmarked for our August baby, and the rest is invested. I COULD keep cash out of the bank in a piggy bank, but that seems silly. That being said, if DH sees a pile of money saved in our accounts, he'll be itching to invest it and would not condone it being spent on jewellery.

So that's why I need to know: what do you and your partner do?

 

[december-fire]

I'm single, but I love finance and have some definite feelings about the topic.

I would really recommend that you and your husband consider opening two accounts; one for each of you.

Agree on an amount that won't put a strain on your finances; whether that's $50 a month or $500 a month, that's totally dependent upon your specific circumstances (income and expenditures/investments/etc.).

Divide that amount in two and deposit it into your own personal accounts each pay/month/whatever.

Each person should have their own spending money to do what they want; spend it on lunches out, beer, fishing, jewellery, or set it on fire. Seriously. No judgements, no questions. Just 'Great, I'm glad it makes you happy!'.

When a couple comes together, it should not mean the end of either individual's hobbies, friends, interests, etc., as long as those things don't have a negative impact on the couple or their financial stability.

I'm sure there are couples who operate along the above theory without having separate accounts; they just agree to take money out of the one pot for items that bring joy to one of them, based on the idea that it all balances out over time, and that one person's joy brings the other person joy.

But, I think for most couples, its easiest for each person to have their own personal account. No guilt, justification or judgement. Same amount for each person gets deposited.

 

[sonnyjane]

Absolutely get a separate account. He should have one too. Then you have your pooled money for expenses, savings, etc., but after those needs are met you can spend your discretionary money as you wish. No resentment or "permission" needed if it's your money.

 

[pearaffair]

I agree that separate "fun money" accounts would make sense. I don't know how to convince him, though! He doesn't see the need.

I need to find a way to make it persuasive and ideal for him. He's very focused on savings and not being spendy - so it's not like a separate account would help motivate him right now.

 

[december-fire]

Opps! Forgot to say congratulations on expecting a child! That's so exciting!

It can be even more important to have a bit of money in your own account when you're a 'wife and mother'.

Nothing wrong with those roles - I have the two most amazing children in the World and have no idea how I was so blessed. But diapers, colic, sleep-deprivation, can sometimes chip away at feeling like an individual woman with aspects other than being a housekeeper, cook, nanny, etc. If you work outside the home, as I did, that gets added to the list.

Its important and necessary for good health to keep in touch with who you are as an individual. Its also healthy for your marriage.

Opening two accounts, one for each of you, is not a big deal.

 

[lovedogs]

My DH is the same as yours, OP. Thinks jewelry is a silly way to spend money. So what we do is deposit our paychecks into a joint account, but then transfer a set amount into our own personal accounts (we decided on an amount that we both think is fair, and that won't put a strain on joint expenses). The money in our personal accounts is for each of us to do whatever we want. He saves most of it and then spends some on his Hobby's, I spend essentially all mine on bling and that's how we deal with it without having to ask each other permission for that stuff. We also have one joint credit card and personal cards for each of us. So if I want to buy something and then pay for it over a few months I can, and he can do the same. It works for us, I highly recommend individual accounts!

 

[december-fire]

I agree that separate "fun money" accounts would make sense. I don't know how to convince him, though! He doesn't see the need.

I need to find a way to make it persuasive and ideal for him. He's very focused on savings and not being spendy - so it's not like a separate account would help motivate him right now.

Tell him that, even though he may not understand or think its important, its important to you.

That should be reason enough.

And, as I said in my first post, the amount should be what's affordable. So $20 each per month? Doesn't matter. It can be increased over time, as finances permit.

I'm divorced. I was married for over twenty years and know all about 'compromise', 'making the other person happy', etc. But it shouldn't be one-sided. Your DH shouldn't be the decision-maker all the time. Not implying he is, but he doesn't need to see the need for two accounts.

Edited to stress that the amount must be what's affordable! So he can't complain that its not in the budget.

Don't lose your identity just because you got married.

 

[lovedogs]

I agree that separate "fun money" accounts would make sense. I don't know how to convince him, though! He doesn't see the need.

I need to find a way to make it persuasive and ideal for him. He's very focused on savings and not being spendy - so it's not like a separate account would help motivate him right now.

I would say pitch it to him as something that's important for both of you in order to maintain your own interests and avoid either of you becoming "resentful" of what the other does with money. I'd start with a small amount that you can both use for "fun" each month. Does he go out for drinks with friends? He can use it for that. Or if he prefers to save or invest all of it that's his choice too. I think it's important for him to understand that it's important to you, and that it will give you both some independence which is important as a marriage moves forward.

 

[lyra]

My DH has the same mindset, but I'm not looking for any bling now. What I do for "fun" stuff is save monthly in cash, in an envelope. It really depends on how much you are looking to set aside I guess. My thinking is that cash can easily be used for another purpose at any time if there is an emergency too. I'm not talking thousands and thousands of dollars though.

 

[dk168]

I always have my own account even when I was in long term relationships in the past, and have been financially independent all my adult life.

I too would recommend setting up a separate bank account as mentioned by the others.

DK

 

[bunnycat]

I always set a bit of personal money aside every month like Lyra does. A little cash stash that I can use or not use that month. I think it's important. Hubby and I each have personal accounts. I run my own business and really wouldn't want that mess mixed in anyway. It would be a nightmare to keep track of. We each contribute to the expenses, we each proportionally add to the retirement account, and we each have discretionary funds and we each have our own credit cards....

I also agree it's important to recognize that different people see different things as important and accept it and also that it is necessary to a persons mental and physical well being to allot something to personal care. As someone said, going out for drinks with buddies. That's wasted money (to me) and purely a non necessary expense, but it might be a necessary item for another. Instead of drinks, I'd go to a spa...but that's me...

 

[baby monster]

Having kids is expensive so I can see why your hubby is squirreling away as much as possible. Our monthly expenses went up by 30% once we added our first baby to the family. And, if you're planning to continue working, good childcare is very expensive where we live so there isn't much left over for bling in young family's budget.

I think you got good advice to set up accounts for fun stuff for both of you. Your DH must have some hobbies besides saving money so frame it that way. Besides, you want to enjoy some of your money today as opposed to in retirement.

 

[AprilBaby]

We do just that. A joint account and two separate accounts to do as we please, no questions asked. My hubs is a saver so I don't need to ask what he does with his money. I'm glad he doesn't ask what I do with mine!

 

[pearaffair]

I'm so glad to hear that having a joint account AND two separate fun money accounts is so common. It's helping me to persuade my husband.

I also thank December-fire for making a great point about the amount: it doesn't have to be big! That helps my DH feel like he's not missing out on investing.

Can I ask, is it hard for you guys to keep track of what constitutes a personal purchase and what constitutes joint? For example, I would envision that buying one's own lunch at work is a personal purchase, but going out for dinner together (and both agreeing to do so) is a joint purchase.

Does anyone have an examples on how they separate the personal spending from joint?

 

[Elizabeth35]

For the most part, and we are older, if I want something I simply mention it in passing to DH and he will surprise me. We are in a different phase than you are.

You are younger and in family building mode. I commend your husband for being fiscally responsible, and the baby coming may have him being super cautious. Be thankful for that! But I agree with the others that a comfortable amount of fun money for each person to spend as they wish is a great idea. He sounds uber responsible and is viewing jewelry as secondary to saving/investing.
Financial values are critical to a successful marriage--make sure that you communicate openly and respectfully. It is a two way street and compromise is necessary.

I encourage you to have some dialogue with him so you can resolve this before the baby comes. Things only get more expensive at that point

 

[kenny]

We don't budget anything.
We just live WELL within our means on a day to day basis.

ETA: I'm an extreme tightwad with many things that people have nooooooooo trouble, don't think twice about, spending money on.
A lifetime of that adds up nicely, thank you very much.

On the rare occasion something special that we perceive to be 'worth it' floats down the river of life we just reach out and grab it.

 

[Queenie60]

We don't!! At this point in life - I pitch my "wants" and we negotiate! I usually get what I pitch! I must say, I'm enjoying what I have at this point - hopefully I'll be content for several months!

 

[lovedogs]

I'm so glad to hear that having a joint account AND two separate fun money accounts is so common. It's helping me to persuade my husband.

I also thank December-fire for making a great point about the amount: it doesn't have to be big! That helps my DH feel like he's not missing out on investing.

Can I ask, is it hard for you guys to keep track of what constitutes a personal purchase and what constitutes joint? For example, I would envision that buying one's own lunch at work is a personal purchase, but going out for dinner together (and both agreeing to do so) is a joint purchase.

Does anyone have an examples on how they separate the personal spending from joint?

Great question! We decided on how to do this at the beginning to avoid potential issues. When my DH worked somewhere where he'd buy lunch daily but I wouldn't we separated that expense. But now we both work places where we usually buy lunch, so it's joint (or I make lunch for us). All meals eaten together are joint. All bills are joint (including paying off his college loans, but we agreed on that), groceries, animal care bills, etc. The only things that aren't joint are:

1) When one person goes out without the other (e.g. if he goes out for drinks with work friends, or I go to dinner with a friend)
2) Our own fun stuff (bling for me, video games or board games for him)
3) Our own credit card bills (if we have anything we can't pay at once).
4) Presents for each other
5) Haircuts (this one is included bc he gets a $10 at supercut, and I get mine cut and colored so it's much more expensive, so I wanted that to be separate for fairness)
6) He doesn't work out, but I do. So I originally wanted my gym membership to be my own cost (again, for fairness), but he convinced me to make it joint because he feels like it's a type of re-occuring "bill".

EDIT: I should add it took us a good few months of talking through some random purchases in order to make these decisions and decide where everything should "go". But it's been about 2+ years since we've done it this way (we used to do something similar but less organized), so it's much simpler at this point.

That's all I can remember, but I'll edit if I think if anything else

 

[sonnyjane]

I'm so glad to hear that having a joint account AND two separate fun money accounts is so common. It's helping me to persuade my husband.

I also thank December-fire for making a great point about the amount: it doesn't have to be big! That helps my DH feel like he's not missing out on investing.

Can I ask, is it hard for you guys to keep track of what constitutes a personal purchase and what constitutes joint? For example, I would envision that buying one's own lunch at work is a personal purchase, but going out for dinner together (and both agreeing to do so) is a joint purchase.

Does anyone have an examples on how they separate the personal spending from joint?

DH and I are unusual in that the only thing joint are bills (mortgage, utilities, insurance...). Everything else is separate, including groceries. I'm a vegetarian and he's a meat-loving bodybuilder that also loves junk food. He easily spends $200 a week while I'm usually $100 a week, so we shop and pay separately for food. Dinners out are from the joint account though. Also my car payment is mine and his car payment is his.

 

[pearaffair]

This helps, thanks!!!

Did you guys have any problems setting up these extra accounts at your bank?

 

[PierreBear]

Just wanted to chime in that my husband and I have a joint account and that's it. However, along the lines with what other people discussed, we do have our own "fun money allowance." We both accrue a certain amount a month and then are allowed to use that on what we need. With that said, it's a bit more work because we track things in excel but I also like that he still has the opportunity to see what we are spending things on and to still do a pulse check to make sure we aren't going out of control.

Now, the monthly accrual would never amount up to bling and so that's a side discussion we have. We live below our means and when the occasion comes such as an anniversary, there wouldn't be an issue of using the funds. We set the limit based on how reasonable it was to spend on jewelry. Hope this helps and congrats on growing your family and making sure you are financially ready for a baby and jewelry!

 

[monarch64]

This helps, thanks!!!

Did you guys have any problems setting up these extra accounts at your bank?

You don't even have to use the same bank. I've had multiple accounts with different banks off and on for years. Never put all your eggs in one basket... An emergency stash of cash is always a good idea, too.

If your hubby continues to be unable to see the importance of bling to you, maybe bring up the fact that while you will probably lose money with most jewelry purchases/resale, there have been times throughout history during which people liquidated their gold when prices went up. 2007 stands out in recent memory. Although I wouldn't buy jewelry as an investment per se, there are things in my jewelry box that have been passed on to me or that I picked up for super cheap that I could sell quickly and have cash--50-100% profit for me.

 

[partgypsy]

I use Ally for savings accounts. What is nice it that you can set it up to electronically transfer money to that account. And while all savings rates are low, it has a better rate than whatever your local bank is going to be. That's what I would do if I was setting up a separate account.

 

[december-fire]

This helps, thanks!!!

Did you guys have any problems setting up these extra accounts at your bank?

Have you ever had your own bank account?
Just curious because of your question.
Its very easy to open a bank account or a number of accounts, whether at one bank or various banks.
An individual should do what works for him/her. There may be a monthly service fee associated with each account, unless the minimum monthly balance is greater than a specified amount. However, some banks don't charge fees.
Regardless, a monthly service fee (probably less than $5/mth) is well-worth having a smooth-running household financial system that includes personal money for each individual.

Its extremely important, in my opinion, that people be financially-wise; single, married, whatever, you need to be knowledgeable and comfortable with financial matters.

Prior to marriage, one of the topics that should be discussed is finances. Unfortunately, its something that many couples don't discuss. Finances seem to something that a lot of couples struggle with and fight about. To avoid that, you need to ensure you're both in agreement about financial objectives, have an agreed-upon budget that ensures you're living within your means and includes some personal money for each of you. The budget should be revised as your income and expenses fluctuate throughout your life.

Some people don't like the word 'budget' (or 'diet').
Whether they use the word or not, its about how you manage your money.

At your stage of life, newly-married and with a baby on the way, there usually isn't much left over for personal money. That's ok. Just set aside, for each of you, whatever you can afford.

Its important to avoid resentment in a marriage; never allow a situation where the other person's 'permission' must be sought for every little thing you do. A marriage is about two adults, its not a parent-child relationship. Please don't think I'm implying anything about your marriage. I'm just talking about marriages and finances in general.

By the way, each individual in a marriage should know about household finances (income, expenses, investments, etc.), how to pay bills, bank account numbers, etc.

Heaven forbid something should happen to your spouse, but if you need to take over the finances (due to sickness, whatever), you need to know this stuff. Some couples take turns with bill paying each month. Do whatever works for you but, please, be involved with your family's finances.

Did I mention I love talking finances? And that I ramble?

 

[pearaffair]

Mainly I asked because I don't want to go in person to open the extra accounts (DH and I work a lot and it's hard to find the time) and I haven't opened a bank account in years... so yeah.

 

[december-fire]

Give your bank a call to find out what's involved.
If you're just opening up another account or two with your current bank, it shouldn't be too involved or time-consuming.

 

[sonnyjane]

Give your bank a call to find out what's involved.
If you're just opening up another account or two with your current bank, it shouldn't be too involved or time-consuming.

For our bank we didn't even have to go in. I can set up as many savings accounts as I want online. I make a new savings account for every big ticket item I decide to save for, and then close them when the item is paid for. Right now I have three open for different trips I'm planning.

 

[pearaffair]

Give your bank a call to find out what's involved.
If you're just opening up another account or two with your current bank, it shouldn't be too involved or time-consuming.

For our bank we didn't even have to go in. I can set up as many savings accounts as I want online. I make a new savings account for every big ticket item I decide to save for, and then close them when the item is paid for. Right now I have three open for different trips I'm planning.

Yay! I feel like it should be simple.

Thanks for all the ideas, everyone

 

[rubybeth]

Do you have access to Capital One or Ally? They are online only banks, and for many years, I used separate accounts with them to budget for things we were saving for, like car repairs or Christmas gifts--I'd schedule automatic withdrawals so funds would automatically go into those savings accounts each month. Then, by Christmas time, I'd have $500 already socked away to cover the credit card bill in January--it worked really well, and was fun to see each pot of money grow.

I would imagine your physical bank would let you open a separate savings account for whatever, and you can think of it as your personal savings/fun money. For many years, I saved $25/mo. for fun things--mainly jewelry, but sometimes different splurges (or gifts), but when we got really close to being out of debt, I told DH that I was going to take the money I'd saved and put it toward debt. That felt very generous on my part. He made sure I was okay doing that, and I said it was fine as long as I could get an upgrade someday. Now that things aren't so tight in terms of budgeting/paying off debt, I just share my wish list with him and let him know when I find something I like. That's how I got my new-to-me earrings from Preloved--told DH I wanted them, that they were a good deal, and I'd just gotten some Christmas money that paid for a good portion of them. He thought about it and a day later, agreed I should get them. Since I've worn them nearly every day, I've made sure to tell him how much I like them.

The other thing is that saving while preparing for a first child is a big deal--it's literally the biggest change you'll ever have in your life, going from being a couple to a new little family. Everyone I know wishes they had saved more before first child was born. So I would say the priority now needs to be your child, with both of you united in this goal of saving a lot before baby arrives, just in case. And if all goes well, maybe you can plan to get a push present after baby has arrived and you know how the budget looks?

 

[elizabethess]

Yay! I feel like it should be simple.

Thanks for all the ideas, everyone

Everyone has already given great advice, just wanted to send good vibes for a positive, constructive convo with your SO! As people have mentioned hashing some of this out now could help ward off conflict or resentment later! Best of luck!