How do proposals usually go?

[kenny]

Another thread got me thinking.
Shouldn't she decide if she wants him prior to being persuaded by the ring?

[Are there actually women who would really want the man himself, but say no at that moment because the ring was too inexpensive/small?]

Then I realized I don't even know how proposals usually go.
So which is it?
I heard a rumor somewhere that people vary, but how does it usually go?

 

[armywife13]

My hubby opened the box and asked at the same time.

 

[snoopkat]

I assume you mean the actual proposal itself? So this is after the whole ring selection process has been done and dusted?

His proposal (and I say his because mr snoopkat made it very clear that it wasn't just about me, that it was his moment too which I think perhaps many girls lose sight of) went something like this - he got down on one knee with the ring box open, made a small speech and asked me to marry him.

Btw if I were the man proposing and the girl said yes and then subsequently changed her mind if the ring was too small/too cheap, I would run for the hills and never ask her again. If this had happened to my brother, I'd tell him to dump her sorry a$$. The ring is not the issue, she is.

 

[FrekeChild]

I wouldn't know? My husband got the ring box stuck in his jacket, so I couldn't actually say for sure...

 

[madelise]

Btw if I were the man proposing and the girl said yes and then subsequently changed her mind if the ring was too small/too cheap, I would run for the hills and never ask her again. If this had happened to my brother, I'd tell him to dump her sorry a$$. The ring is not the issue, she is.

ditto.

I have to say Kenny, that I totally at your "I heard a rumor somewhere that people vary".




I've always joked to SO that if he proposed, I would have to inspect the ring first before answering. But in reality, regardless of him showing the ring first or later.. Giving a speech or not.. I'll be a blubbering mess! No one should ever propose to anyone that they aren't sure will say yes. The yes is to the man and the life they have together, NOT to bling.. even if we are PS-ers Now there's no problem if she wants to upgrade later… trade it in before the 30 days or whatever are up… or whatever. But it shouldn't be like a "Well, I'll say yes AFTER you fix the ring". I would marry my SO in a heartbeat at city hall, without a ring. ETA: Had to add. Without a ring, if he couldn't afford one. I still feel like a man should present something, anything he can afford, as a "proposal gift" that shows his effort of wanting the woman to be his wife. It doesn't have to be expensive at all. But *something. IE. If a guy has no money, but spends what little he has on other non-necessities.. but then claims he can't afford a simple band or small little diamond.. I'd say no to him.

 

[jaysonsmom]

I'm the lone person who picked propose first then show the ring. It's about the guy and not about a ring. my husband proposed without a ring. I didn't even know if he could afford a ring.....but the following weekend after the proposal, he told me his budget for a ring, and we happily went shopping for the best bling we could within his budget. I felt it was perfect....I got to have my input, and did not have any false expectations of what type of ring I was going to be surprised with.

 

[madelise]

His original Q is how do they *usually go. From what I know, it usually goes,

1) go down on one knee
2) show ring
3) start speech (sometimes)
4) pop the Q.

I voted the 2nd option b/c that is how I've always seen it happen amongst friends.

 

[kenny]

Wasn't one of the "traditions" in some people's minds to present her with an item of high value since she is giving to him her, uhem, virtue?
Then if the marriage dissolves she may not be a virgin, but at least she got something of high value she may keep.

I may be distorting it or mis-remembering, but was there not something to this aspect of the reason for the presentation of a valuable ring?

 

[madelise]

Wasn't one of the "traditions" in some people's minds to present her with an item of high value since she is giving to him her, uhem, virtue?
Then if the marriage dissolves she may not be a virgin, but at least she got something of high value she may keep.

I may be distorting it or mis-remembering, but was there not something to this aspect of the reason for the presentation of a valuable ring?

Yup, I think it was a PS blog post. Before it got outlawed, there was a way for these women to sue the men for taking their "virtue" and then backing out before the wedding date. They were able to sue them for making them "old maids" that were too dirty for another man to marry.

Then the suing became outlawed.

So came these gifts

 

[kenny]

Wasn't one of the "traditions" in some people's minds to present her with an item of high value since she is giving to him her, uhem, virtue?
Then if the marriage dissolves she may not be a virgin, but at least she got something of high value she may keep.

I may be distorting it or mis-remembering, but was there not something to this aspect of the reason for the presentation of a valuable ring?

Yup, I think it was a PS blog post. Before it got outlawed, there was a way for these women to sue the men for taking their "virtue" and then backing out before the wedding date. They were able to sue them for making them "old maids" that were too dirty for another man to marry.

Then the suing became outlawed.

So came these gifts

So, that is certainly a reason for her to check out the ring before saying yes . . . as in . . . is the ring worth enough?

 

[madelise]

So, that is certainly a reason for her to check out the ring before saying yes . . . as in . . . is the ring worth enough?

haha, maybe back then? Nowaday, with the modern woman being financially secure, and "virtue" not really determining factor about a woman being worthy.. I don't think so. !!

and then again comes the varying customs across the geographical world and across cultures..

 

[Jennifer W]

Well, people possibly do vary in this regard. For us, it went something like this: a discussion about what we wanted in the long term, and a mutual agreement to marry. We then chose a ring together.

 

[zoebartlett]

Well, people possibly do vary in this regard. For us, it went something like this: a discussion about what we wanted in the long term, and a mutual agreement to marry. We then chose a ring together.

It was this way for us, too, and many of my friends.

My husband proposed while holding my ring. I think the ring was in the box but I'm not sure.

 

[Tuckins1]

Mine showed the ring and asked at the same time. But, we had already discussed marriage, and he knew I would say yes. My decision was not based on the presence of the ring at all.

 

[NovemberBride]

Kenny, You ask - are there women out these that want the man that would say no becuase the ring is too small? Do you really think that there are more women out there who would say yes having seen the ring even if she didn't want the man necessitating that the man ask before presenting the ring? That's a pretty low and materialistic opinion of women - better make sure she says yes before she sees the bling, in case the greedy woman would say yes just to get the diamond?

 

[Circe]

Kenny, You ask - are there women out these that want the man that would say no becuase the ring is too small? Do you really think that there are more women out there who would say yes having seen the ring even if she didn't want the man necessitating that the man ask before presenting the ring? That's a pretty low and materialistic opinion of women - better make sure she says yes before she sees the bling, in case the greedy woman would say yes just to get the diamond?

This. I feel like The Materialistic Potential Fiancee is a bogey(wo)man right up there with The Welfare Queen and The Gal Who Uses Abortion as a Form of Contraception. They don't exist, they just tell us a lot about our social concerns (which appear to center on entitled women: I can think of some racially charged male stereotypes, but I can think of any based purely in gender).

That said, I proposed to my husband spontaneously, sans ring: I offered to get him a diamond, he passed, but said he wanted to get one for me; hijinx ensued. I feel like these days, a lot of the decisions are made together before the formal "proposal," and I say GOOD. Going off of past culture? I feel like the opening of the ring box before/during/after the proposal is one of those things that was never strictly ritualized ....

 

[iheartscience]

Kenny, You ask - are there women out these that want the man that would say no becuase the ring is too small? Do you really think that there are more women out there who would say yes having seen the ring even if she didn't want the man necessitating that the man ask before presenting the ring? That's a pretty low and materialistic opinion of women - better make sure she says yes before she sees the bling, in case the greedy woman would say yes just to get the diamond?

This. I feel like The Materialistic Potential Fiancee is a bogey(wo)man right up there with The Welfare Queen and The Gal Who Uses Abortion as a Form of Contraception. They don't exist, they just tell us a lot about our social concerns (which appear to center on entitled women: I can think of some racially charged male stereotypes, but I can think of any based purely in gender).

That said, I proposed to my husband spontaneously, sans ring: I offered to get him a diamond, he passed, but said he wanted to get one for me; hijinx ensued. I feel like these days, a lot of the decisions are made together before the formal "proposal," and I say GOOD. Going off of past culture? I feel like the opening of the ring box before/during/after the proposal is one of those things that was never strictly ritualized ....

Ditto all of this, although I didn't offer to get my husband a diamond! (I did get him one inside his wedding band, though.)

 

[rubybeth]

I voted for open ring box during proposal, but honestly, my DH proposed in the dark so I couldn't see the ring, though I picked it out so it wasn't a huge deal.

I am always kind of weirded out when I hear women say that they were completely and utterly SHOCKED that their fiance proposed. Shouldn't you kind of know that you're headed in that direction? My DH and I were discussing marriage after a few weeks of dating. I can see being surprised by the actual proposal, but being surprised that he was going to propose? Strange to me.

 

[kenny]

Kenny, You ask - are there women out these that want the man that would say no becuase the ring is too small? Do you really think that there are more women out there who would say yes having seen the ring even if she didn't want the man necessitating that the man ask before presenting the ring? That's a pretty low and materialistic opinion of women - better make sure she says yes before she sees the bling, in case the greedy woman would say yes just to get the diamond?

Gimme a break!
Asking whether some is very different from stating that all.

To quote myself, " [Are there actually women who would really want the man himself, but say no at that moment because the ring was too inexpensive/small?] ".

 

[justginger]

I think most people see the ring at the same time as the 'speech,' so yes the ring is visible before the actual final question.

It was inconsequential for us though. We had thoroughly discussed marriage, chose the stone from JbEG, had a setting made by Leon, and I was the one to receive it and inspect first, before handing it over to him to squirrel away. If I had any doubt regarding accepting a proposal, the time to speak up was long before he was on one knee!

 

[Dancing Fire]

So which is it?
I heard a rumor somewhere that people vary, but how does it usually go?

guy ask ...will you marry me?
girl ...depends on the size of the diamond.
guy...2+ct!!
girl...takes an Idealscope out of her pocket to inspect the diamond.
girl...nice stone ..yes, i'll marry you

 

[kenny]

So which is it?
I heard a rumor somewhere that people vary, but how does it usually go?

guy ask ...will you marry me?
girl ...depends on the size of the ring.
guy...2+ct!!
girl...takes an Idealscope out of her pocket to inspect the diamond.
girl...nice stone ..yes, i'll marry you

If I was the girl I'd also pull out my iPhone to check the HCA score from what could ONLY be the GIA or AGS report.
Then I'd place it up side down on a white card under a calibrated lamp and find out where it fits in my handy set of GIA-graded 2-carat real diamonds of every color from D to Z that I carry with me in my purse.

Then I'd pull out my Ziess 60x stereo microscope and check the clarity, polish and symmetry.
Next it's the diamond tester and verification it matches the report by measuring it and checking the specific gravity, and clarity plot.

Then, I'd say yes IF I loved the guy IF he agreed to annual upgrades.

Isn't this how proposals usually go?

 

[Dancing Fire]

[quote="madelise|1341290670|3227697

Yup, I think it was a PS blog post. Before it got outlawed, there was a way for these women to sue the men for taking their "virtue" and then backing out before the wedding date. They were able to sue them for making them "old maids" that were too dirty for another man to marry.

Then the suing became outlawed.

[/quote]

the guy can sue her for taking away his virginity too..

 

[kenny]

the guy can sue her for taking away his virginity too..

He can't prove it.

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

The engaged man and woman were said to have made a marriage contract. If the man did not marry the lady, he was sued for breach of contract, not because of her damaged virtue. There was supposedly no hanky, panky going on. If the woman broke the contract she was often disgraced and not accepted into society.

Every now & then a woman still tries to sue a man for breach of contract. Some movie stars have tried. I think they all lose



Annette

 

[Dancing Fire]

the guy can sue her for taking away his virginity too..

He can't prove it.

neither can she.

 

[Cozystitches]

Totally cute thread!!! I think it depends on people, hubby and I had been talking about getting married. We had talked about going to a marital conference (I said we had to be engaged before we would do this), I had found my dress, told hubby I wanted half a carat diamond Here's how the proposal went:

• 
  He came in and tossed a ring box to me
  Said I already know your answer
  Proceeded to get on the phone calling a friend (with me holding the box totally shocked and outraged)
  Hubby got off phone and asked if I was going to open it.
  I open the box (really pissed off that he did it this way) and realized that it was EMPTY
  Hubby meanwhile dropped down on one knee w/the ring (beautiful 1/3 carat) and asked properly.

Now, obviously I said yes, even though the size was smaller than I wanted. I tease him about it, but I still love my ering, I can't bring myself to sell it or trade it in as was offered by a Maul jeweler (prePS, please don't judge), it made me really sad to even think about it. My hubby knows how much I like sparklies, as I've drug him into MANY jewelry stores, although now (because of PS) I only troll Tiffany and Cartier with a quick go through of the other stores. Now I'm just looking at saving up my own funds for my diamonds....

 

[kenny]

the guy can sue her for taking away his virginity too..

He can't prove it.

neither can she.

You never heard of a Hi Men?

 

[distracts]

Well, people possibly do vary in this regard. For us, it went something like this: a discussion about what we wanted in the long term, and a mutual agreement to marry. We then chose a ring together.

See, we did this, but then he wanted to present the ring to me in a picture-perfect proposal, because that was how he'd always imagined things going. Which was fine - I'd always imagined just having a conversation and going "okay, engaged!" and that being that, so I got what I wanted and he got what he wanted. It's a good thing that we'd picked out the ring together, because I was so confused at what he was doing when he proposed that if I hadn't seen him holding my ring, I would not have known what was going on.

Rubybeth - I was shocked by the actual proposal, because I didn't know that my ring had been completed, and was convinced that he wasn't going to propose on vacation. But by that time everyone, including our parents and coworkers, knew that we had bought and engagement ring and were soon to be officially engaged, so the fact that he proposed wasn't a surprise, just when/how he did it. But HE was really surprised when I brought up the original marriage conversation, and at the twist it took. He readily agreed that he wanted to marry me, but it was very surprising to him that I then said, "Okay, let's do it." He just about had a panic attack. Oddly, I think it was less about getting engaged and more about not getting engaged properly. He kept asking me what kind of ring I wanted, and I had no idea so I just said I wanted a sapphire because they've always been my favorite. My favorite quote of his from that conversation was "Ohmygod, this is so not how I imagined getting proposed to... I imagined I'd be the one DOING the proposing!"

 

[Rhea]

Don't know. He sat the box down in front of me, open and didn't say a word. He swears he asked. I swear he didn't. I already knew what the ring looked like, we picked it out together. Most couples I know have picked the ring together, usually after they've agreed to marry. I'm not sure how the ring is actually presented to her though.