Wedding How do I tell my ex-husband I''m engaged?

[SeattleSweetheart]

Sorry, Long post. But I do really need some help.

Back story: I left my husband. Three months later met my now fiance before my divorce was final. My divorce was final 7 months after I moved out. I had no intention of dating until I was divorced, but life happens when you''re making plans. My fiance and I met on the train from Seattle to Portland. We were assigned seats next to each other and the rest is history.

When I moved out I knew I was going to divorce my ex-husband. We had done the marriage therapy and there was no saving our marriage. My plan after moving out was to maintain a casual friendship and I have followed through on that plan. My ex-husband has some mental health issues and has not maintained a support system of friends. I could not look myself in the mirror if I cut him out of my life when he requires so little from me. My fiance has no problem with me maintaining a friendship with my ex-husband.

Anyway my purpose in writing is to get options on how to tell my ex-husband that I am now engaged to another man. I wouldn''t have a problem telling him if it was 3 years after our divorce, but 1 year after our divorce, to me, seems kinda quick. I know there is no good time to tell my ex and that there''s a good chance that his feelings will be hurt no matter how I tell him. I am no way in-love with my ex, but he is a human being with real feelings and I will get no pleasure in causing him pain.

I guess I was wondering if anyone else has had to tell their ex and how that went for them.

I am moving into my fiance''s apartment in a week and so I really do have to tell my ex soon. My current plan is to tell him over the phone so if he needs to cry, he can hang up and deal with his feelings privately as he has in the past. My ex doesn''t even know I have a "boyfriend". Six weeks ago I mentioned over the phone that I went to a movie with a man and my ex stayed home from work the next day because he couldn''t stop crying. I know that I am not responsible to take care of him or take care of his feelings. I just want to tell him in the kindest way possible.

Thanks for taking the time to read my post. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.

 

[jcarlylew]

i hate to sound like the wicked witch of the eastside (i''m from bellevue) but honey, i think you need to let your Ex go. You cannot be responsible for making sure he is okay at all time. I kno wyou feel responsible, but if you want to be able to live your life, and be able to support your new marriage you need to focus on you and your Fi.

While i agree to call him on the phone, once that call is made, you need to let go.

 

[purrfectpear]

You should have been honest with him about dating others as soon as the divorce was final. Unfortunately it's late in the game now. He's not only going to be hurt, he'll be devasted because in his mind you went from "not even dating, to getting engaged and moving in with another guy" in the space of one phone call

I'm afraid that he will be more hurt than normal because now he will know that you lied to him for the last 10 months. It's not like you met someone a week ago and now you're engaged. He's not stupid.

I have no ideas how you can minimize that now

All I can think of is to go ahead and tell him the whole truth and let him deal with it. I feel for the guy, but you aren't responsible for his feelings. Honesty is the best policy (at least I think so).

 

[lauralu]

I was the one who left my husband and as time went by... I lost all of those married like feelings of not wanting to hurt my husbands feelings.Believe me, it did not take long. Especially after My FI and I started to date. I mean I don't go out of my way to hurt him...I just have a wonderful life now and whatever he thinks I don't care.

I don't think it matters how much time has gone by. You do not owe him an explanation in my book. Your divorced. What matters is your in love and getting married again.

Essentially what you are saying is your happiness is your ex's pain. You need to let (in my opinion anyway) go of those kinds of feelings.

I would call him and let him know, telling him you wanted him to hear it from you and no one else. Than let him deal. I would than try to make it a point of letting go and detaching from him. You cannot possibly be emotionally there for your current FI and your ex at the same time. Thats just my opinion.

I feel for you and I hope it all works out okay and you feel better about it all soon.

 

[KimberlyH]

"[Ex], I''m engaged." or if you need a longer version "[Ex], perhaps I should have told you before now, but I''m dating and have met someone I am quite serious about. We plan to be married." Then give yourselves the seperation you need to truly move on with your lives.

I don''t see anything wrong with remaining friendly with past partners, spouses, etc. but if one of the two people involved is still pining away for the other, which sounds like is the case in your situation, lines can easily be crossed and lots of drama and problems will likely ensue. Protect yourself, your fiance, and your ex from that happening.

 

[decodelighted]

How long an engagement are you planning? Personally I would not recommend telling him the "whole truth" so soon after admitting just a simple movie date. You've kept things from him for so long - it would be too much to handle to spill it all now.

How far away does he live? He'll know you moved but does he need to know you're moving in with the new dude? Could you keep your old solo phone line for a while (Vonage?). Then in a few months you can drop the "moved in with a guy" bomb ... another few months the "engaged" bomb and by then the "married" bomb won't be as bad. Just knowing you're starting to move on might help HIM move on (if only for "revenge" - HA!) ... and by the time you tell him about the move or engagement MAYBE MAYBE MAYBE he'll have a new chick to distract him & blunt the trauma.

Ooof. Good luck. I agree you're not responsible for his feelings but it is *kind* to balance some compassion with total disclosure.

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Date: 8/16/2008 3:30:22 PM
Author: KimberlyH
''[Ex], I''m engaged.'' or if you need a longer version ''[Ex], perhaps I should have told you before now, but I''m dating and have met someone I am quite serious about. We plan to be married.'' Then give yourselves the seperation you need to truly move on with your lives.


I don''t see anything wrong with remaining friendly with past partners, spouses, etc. but if one of the two people involved is still pining away for the other, which sounds like is the case in your situation, lines can easily be crossed and lots of drama and problems will likely ensue. Protect yourself, your fiance, and your ex from that happening.

+1. All of Kimberly''s advice seems spot-on to me.

Good luck, SeattleSweetheart, and I wish you all the best with your upcoming move and new phase in life!

f-d-l

 

[VRBeauty]

Date: 8/16/2008 3:30:22 PM
Author: KimberlyH
''[Ex], I''m engaged.'' or if you need a longer version ''[Ex], perhaps I should have told you before now, but I''m dating and have met someone I am quite serious about. We plan to be married.'' Then give yourselves the seperation you need to truly move on with your lives.

I don''t see anything wrong with remaining friendly with past partners, spouses, etc. but if one of the two people involved is still pining away for the other, which sounds like is the case in your situation, lines can easily be crossed and lots of drama and problems will likely ensue. Protect yourself, your fiance, and your ex from that happening.

Ditto. Seriously. I''m not sure there''s a nice way to say this, but... He will figure out that you''ve been holding out on him, and that perspective may help him move on.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 8/16/2008 7:09:30 PM
Author: decodelighted
How long an engagement are you planning? Personally I would not recommend telling him the ''whole truth'' so soon after admitting just a simple movie date. You''ve kept things from him for so long - it would be too much to handle to spill it all now.


How far away does he live? He''ll know you moved but does he need to know you''re moving in with the new dude? Could you keep your old solo phone line for a while (Vonage?). Then in a few months you can drop the ''moved in with a guy'' bomb ... another few months the ''engaged'' bomb and by then the ''married'' bomb won''t be as bad. Just knowing you''re starting to move on might help HIM move on (if only for ''revenge'' - HA!) ... and by the time you tell him about the move or engagement MAYBE MAYBE MAYBE he''ll have a new chick to distract him & blunt the trauma.


Ooof. Good luck. I agree you''re not responsible for his feelings but it is *kind* to balance some compassion with total disclosure.

I agree 100% with this. Good luck-what a tough situation.

 

[SeattleSweetheart]

Thank you jcarlylew, purrfectpear, lauralu, and KimberlyH for taking the time to respond. I really do appreciate it.

Thank you for confirming for me that telling him over the phone is a good way to tell him.

Thank you KimberlyH for understanding that it is possible to maintain a friendship with an ex.

I don''t easily throw away a 12 year friendship just because we were incompatable as marriage partners. I have plenty of room in my life for many friends without compromising my ability to focus on my new life with my fiance. My fiance is a wonderful man and supports all of my friendships I no matter how they originated.

I completely agree that I may have made things worse by delaying telling him. I can''t change the past or my unskilled handling of the situation.

Thanks again!

 

[SeattleSweetheart]

Wow! Thank you decodelighted, fleur-de-lis, minims, and thing20f2!

I hadn''t expected any more responses. I really do appreciate your support.

I am going to simply tell my ex that "I''m moving in with the man I''ve been dating." And at this point if he doesn''t ask if I''m getting married, I''m not going to volunteer it. Then in month or so I''ll let him know I''m engaged.

Thanks again for all your support.

 

[SeattleSweetheart]

Well, if anyone is still reading this thread.

I called my ex 1/2 hour ago and told him that I''m moving in with a man I''ve been dating.

My ex didn''t ask me any questions about it. He just said "congratulations". And then he said we''d talk more tomorrow.

I could tell he didn''t know what to say, and I certainly didn''t know what to say.

Anyway, hopefully for me the hardest part is over.

Thanks again everyone for your help.

Whew!

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 8/16/2008 9:17:08 PM
Author: SeattleSweetheart
Well, if anyone is still reading this thread.


I called my ex 1/2 hour ago and told him that I''m moving in with a man I''ve been dating.


My ex didn''t ask me any questions about it. He just said ''congratulations''. And then he said we''d talk more tomorrow.


I could tell he didn''t know what to say, and I certainly didn''t know what to say.


Anyway, hopefully for me the hardest part is over.


Thanks again everyone for your help.

Whew!

Wow! Way to bite the bullet, put on those big girl pants and make it happen-I''m seriously impressed with you! And I''m glad it wasn''t a high drama conversation-I hope he will continue to take it as well as he can.

 

[FrekeChild]

Ditto Thing2!!

Wow, I am so impressed!!!

 

[lauralu]

way 2GO! Good Job! I bet you feel oh so much better now!

 

[Haven]

I have no advice, but I wanted to share that when I first read this thread title I thought it said:

How do I tell my exhausted husband I''m engaged?

I know this isn''t a funny thread, but it made me chuckle.

Good luck with your ordeal. I know this must be a difficult position to be in.
And, CONGRATULATIONS on your engagement!

 

[SeattleSweetheart]

Thanks thing2of2, Frekechild, lauralu, and Haven!

I do feel better after telling him. I have been wanting to tell him for a long time.

I''m not very good at keeping secrets so I have a great sense of relief.

I still have to tell my ex that I''m engaged, but I don''t think that will take him by surprise since he now knows I''m living with a man.

Haven, that would be a funny thread.

Now back to planning a wedding to the man of my dreams!

Thanks again everyone for your suggestions and support!

 

[trillionaire]

I''m always amazed at how hard I make things in my head, and how much easier they are to do or say once I just bite the bullet. Good for you, and congrats on the impeding nuptials!

 

[diamondfan]

I think it is nice that you are being concerned since his issues may make it tougher for him. And from you post I get your concern and desire not to cause him undo pain. But, like you said, life is what happens when you have made other plans...and you did not plan to meet someone else and fall in love, but you did. While I do not think you owe your ex, I think it is kind of you to know this might be hurtful to him, and to be sensitive to his feelings. I agree that if there is any way that you can not talk about having moved in with your guy, I would do so. Just use your cell phone for the time being. In a bit, mention you are seriously involved with someone. I think, again, while you do not or should not need to hide, I do agree that not dumping this on him might be best, if he is having mental health issues, why rub stuff in his face? You are living you life, you are surely allowed to, but he is bound to have his feelings and reactions...and I admire you for not just being cold in the situation.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

This seems like a damned if you do, damned if you don''t situation...

I appauld you for being a kind and considerate person...however, it''s time for you to move on with your life. Just because your new FI is okay with you maintaining a friendship, doesnt mean it''s the right thing to do.

I believe if you cannot be honest, then there is something wrong. If your comfortable moving on with your life, then you should

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 8/16/2008 7:17:12 PM
Author: fleur-de-lis

Date: 8/16/2008 3:30:22 PM
Author: KimberlyH
''[Ex], I''m engaged.'' or if you need a longer version ''[Ex], perhaps I should have told you before now, but I''m dating and have met someone I am quite serious about. We plan to be married.'' Then give yourselves the seperation you need to truly move on with your lives.


I don''t see anything wrong with remaining friendly with past partners, spouses, etc. but if one of the two people involved is still pining away for the other, which sounds like is the case in your situation, lines can easily be crossed and lots of drama and problems will likely ensue. Protect yourself, your fiance, and your ex from that happening.

+1. All of Kimberly''s advice seems spot-on to me.

Good luck, SeattleSweetheart, and I wish you all the best with your upcoming move and new phase in life!

f-d-l

i agree 100%

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 8/16/2008 9:17:08 PM
Author: SeattleSweetheart
Well, if anyone is still reading this thread.

I called my ex 1/2 hour ago and told him that I''m moving in with a man I''ve been dating.

My ex didn''t ask me any questions about it. He just said ''congratulations''. And then he said we''d talk more tomorrow.

I could tell he didn''t know what to say, and I certainly didn''t know what to say.

Anyway, hopefully for me the hardest part is over.

Thanks again everyone for your help.

Whew!

I''m glad the phone call went so well! i bet you feel a hugh weight has been lifted off, no?

I hope everything goes as smoothly, and we hear more about your upcoming plans

 

[KimberlyH]

Seattle, I''m so glad the discussion went seemingly well. Enjoy wedding planning!

 

[jewelerman]

One issue that I hope you consider is how a continued relationship with your ex may affect your current and future relationship...it cant and shouldnt stay the same...out of respect for your future husband you need to minimize this relationship down to the bare minimnum.You left him and found someone else...alot of ties to an ex is not respectful/appropreate or healthy for any of the three of you.leave the baggage from your first marrage at that door...dont bring it to your new home...you may think im mean...but you need to faze him out of your life...its fair to both men.