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- Jul 15, 2005
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HOLIDAY EATING TIPS
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday
buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see
carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they''re serving rum
balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It''s rare..
You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who
cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It''s not as if you''re
going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It''s a treat.
Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It''s later than you think. It''s
Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That''s the whole
point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a
volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the
volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they''re made with skim
milk or whole milk. If it''s skim, pass. Why bother? It''s like buying
a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to
control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to
eat other people''s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and
New Year''s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to
do. This is the time for long naps, which you''ll need after circling
the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of
eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table,
like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near them and don''t budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They''re like a beautiful pair of
shoes. If you leave them behind, you''re never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies ... Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of
each. Or if you don''t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.
Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?
Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it''s loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have
some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don''t feel terrible when you leave
the party or get up from the table, you haven''t been paying attention.
Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
skid in sideways, chocolate and wine in one hand, body thoroughly used
up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
Have a great holiday season!
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