Home Helping a child through divorce

[ponder]

In October, DH''s sister filed for divorce. It was a good thing. No one necessarily did anything wrong, but it was the needed end to a long unhappy marriage.

We have been helping my SIL in anyway we can. The biggest commitment we have made is to care for her 9 year old daughter 1-2 weeks a month while SIL travels for work. Her getting a new job is not an option.

Last month was our first week keeping my neice and it was wonderful. She was helpful and respectful and well behaved. This is NOT the norm. I know that in the next month or two the honeymoon will end and the good behavior bubble will burst.

My niece has never been disciplined effectively. There has never been follow through or punishments on my SIL''s part and my ex BIL was just as bad. My niece is the queen of back talking, public temper tantrums and emotional blackmail. Since the divorce it has escalated to a whole new level. My DH and I were horrified to witness a 45 minute screaming match between SIL and her daughter. In the end nothing was resolved. Her behavior has scared and alienated her friends. I have also noticed a significant change in her self esteem.

DH and I are determined to talk to SIL about this and I know that she sees it, but I think she feels helpless to do anything. She is scared to discipline her because they are both emotionally fragile right now. I have suggested counciling but I don''t think she is seriously considering it.

Short of calling SuperNanny, I would love some PS advice. Any suggestions of books to read, or classes to take, anything to help my SIL get it together.

 

[asscherisme]

Therapy. Both joint with her parents and individual for her. I know you said they are against it but I really think its crucial to have an uninvolved neutral 3rd party get involved.

 

[jewelz617]

I know they are family and you want to help (and are) but they need family therapy. Your SIL being away for half the time every month is NOT helping I''m sure. She needs to make her daughter a priority right now and that includes quality time and therapy before these issues spiral into a bad, resentful relationship.

 

[rockpaperscissors67]

Hi Ponder,

My background: three of my kids weathered the divorce between my ex and me and I think they''re reasonably well-adjusted.

Why isn''t your niece with her dad when her mom travels?

I am a big believer in 50/50 custody being best for the kids, and I also believe that -- barring alcohol/drug/physical abuse, etc. -- it''s very important for both parents to be involved in the kids'' lives.

Some of the behavior you''re seeing is simply typical for a 9 year old. I have one myself and while she can be the sweetest thing ever, she can also be worse behaved than my 3 year old! The good news is that my older daughter was horrible around 9-11, but after that, she improved dramatically. She''s now 16 and a pretty decent kid.

Even with the upheaval that divorce brings, it''s still very important to set boundaries and use discipline. I don''t know how you can convince your SIL of that. It''s likely that she feels guilty about initiating the divorce and the changes that your niece now has to deal with. Did you SIL discipline well before the separation? Or did she and your niece have a volatile relationship then, too?

I''ll put together a list of books that I read and used during my divorce, but I have to wait until I get back from an appointment this afternoon.

Some things your SIL can do to make things a little easier for your niece:

-- NEVER talk badly about the ex BIL in front of their daughter. Your SIL can find plenty of outlets for her frustration/anger/disappointment, but her daughter should never hear it.

-- Keep her daughter completely out of the legal issues. Don''t discuss child support, alimony, court dates, lawyers.

-- Support her daughter''s relationship with her dad. This can be sooo hard when you''re dealing with your own stuff, but the divorce doesn''t change the fact that he''s her father.

-- Support her daughter''s relationships with any of dad''s extended family. They can often be a source of comfort in this confusing time, especially if they were close before.

-- Do not become a Disney parent. This is where you buy or do things that you wouldn''t normally do in an effort to assuage your guilt over the divorce and subsequent changes to the kid''s life.


I hope that helps some.

 

[ponder]

Thanks everyone for your help.

I agree that counciling would be best and I will continue to push that point. My SIL isn''t against counciling she is just non motivated to do anything. I mention something and she''s like yeah, I''ll look into it, but never does.

There was little if any productive discipline or boundaries before the divorce. It was mainly reactionary, threats of punishment with no follow through. The discipline if anything reinforced the bad behavior, because my niece would always get her way in the end.

Her father.....hmmmm.
He immediately moved in with his new girlfriend in october and has seen her only a few days a month since then and only when SIL guilts him into it. He moved across town and it is not "convienent" for him to keep her while SIL is out of town. He told SIL that he needed to move out of the area for a fresh start. Apparently things have not been going so well with the new girlfriend and mutual friends are getting the impression that he is going to skip town. I would be shocked if he is around at all a year from now.

SIL has a high school education, but has worked very hard and has a career that can support she and her daughter on her own if neccessary, but she must travel.

DH and I stepped in when we found out that SIL was leaving my neice at a babysitter all week 24/7 while she was gone. It broke my heart.

DH and I dont just want to talk to her about what is going wrong. It ends up sounding like a lecture and she has had plenty of those from other family members. SIL is trying to do the best that she can, but she needs direction.

 

[ponder]

RPS

Thanks for the advice. SIL has been doing a pretty good job about not talking about the ex and the divorce infront of her daughter. She also does an incredible job incouraging and supporting her relationship with him, even if BIL is not that receptive. Unfortunately ex BIL does not have much extended family and none that are close.

Her main problem is with your last point and with handling my nieces meltdowns when she does not get her way. At 9 years old she has regressed into crying, screaming, kicking and hitting, throwing herself on the floor at any little provication. SHe will even do this in public to get her way.

I would appreciate your book list. DH and I want to read up and share what we have learned. I want to have an answer for her the next time she says, "I just don''t know what to do".

 

[swingirl]

That''s a toughy. A 9 year old is going to be act out and be very angry when both of her parents have abandoned her. Spending no time with her father and spending very little time with her mother is going to devastating to the poor girl. I can''t imagine any job that is worth traveling 2 weeks out of the month. There are a lot of single parents who actually want to spend time with their kids. Your SIL has made the choice NOT to spend time with hers and her child''s behavior is proof. She doesn''t need tough love, she needs love. Too bad you can''t take her full time and give her a consistent life. Then she might benefit from discipline.

 

[rockpaperscissors67]

I''m sorry to hear that your ex BIL has chosen to take the path he has, rather than do what''s right to help his daughter. Situations like that frustrate me because it''s soooo not healthy for the kids!!

Since that''s the case, I think you and your DH can be a really positive influence on your niece and SIL. The biggest thing your niece needs -- just like all kids -- in consistency. I can understand the pressure your SIL is under to keep her job to provide for her daughter, but right now, the traveling might be a big issue. Your niece has essentially "lost" her dad so she probably is afraid of losing her mom, too...and she IS losing her for 1-2 weeks at a time when the two of them need to circle the wagons and concentrate on healing themselves.

Do you think there''s any way that your SIL can limit her travel for a while? Or could she try to find a different job that doesn''t require travel? I know it''s really hard in this economy, which probably makes your SIL even more determined to hold on to her job.

As for the books, most of them have more to do with parenting with another person who is difficult to work with, but they''d probably work in this case.

Helping Your Kids Cope With Divorce The Sandcastles Way, by M. Gary Neuman
The Co-Parenting Survival Guide, by Elizabeth Thayer
Joint Custody with a Jerk, by Julie Ross
Custody Chaos, Personal Peace: Sharing Custody with an Ex Who Is Driving You Crazy, by Jeffrey Wittmann

I''ve been told that the 1-2-3 Magic books are REALLY good and effective, but I haven''t read them myself.

With my 9 year old, we''ve found that making the rules and punishments VERY clear goes a long way in getting more compliant behavior. When she was younger, I posted "house rules" on the fridge -- these were created WITH the kids'' help. We''ve also created "behavior contracts" with my 9 year old. For example, last year when she wanted to do cheerleading, we set certain expectations for her behavior. She even came up with some of her own! Then we also set the consequences WITH her help. That contract hung on the fridge for the entire cheerleading season and she never missed a game or practice due to poor behavior. Perhaps you guys could do this with your SIL and niece and make the rules the same for both their house and yours?

I''m sorry I''m not more help. I think it''s great that you''re trying to help your SIL and niece because I''ve seen kids that have been chewed up during a divorce and left to deal with all the pain on their own.

 

[ponder]

Date: 1/25/2010 1:00:39 PM
Author: swingirl
That''s a toughy. A 9 year old is going to be act out and be very angry when both of her parents have abandoned her. Spending no time with her father and spending very little time with her mother is going to devastating to the poor girl. I can''t imagine any job that is worth traveling 2 weeks out of the month. There are a lot of single parents who actually want to spend time with their kids. Your SIL has made the choice NOT to spend time with hers and her child''s behavior is proof. She doesn''t need tough love, she needs love. Too bad you can''t take her full time and give her a consistent life. Then she might benefit from discipline.

Unfortunately, quitting her job would result in a 50% pay decrease and require her to work nights and weekends which would put my niece in child care far more than she is right now. When SIL is home her schedule is very flexible and she can even work from home. As a family support group we have encouraged SIL to keep her job even though she has researched other avenues that would allow her to be in town yet spend significantly less time with her child.

Unfortunately the bad behavior is not new, just amplified.

 

[ponder]

RPS,

Thanks sooo much. THis is more helpful than you know.

SIL was trying to limit her travel (its usually only one week per month) and was hoping for only once every six weeks, but someone quit and now she is having to cover their region too until someone new is hired.

Thanks for the book selections, I''m a big reader and this will give us a place to start.

As for ex BIL, no one is surprised. He has the emotional maturity of a 5 year old and thinks of no one but himself. He actually has 2 17 year old twins from a previous relationship who he has treated no better. The only reason he has any relationship with them is because of my SIL. Example? The twins spent Chistmas with our family and did not see or hear from their Dad. My 9 year old niece got a card last week with $20 in it for both Christmas and her birthday. Almost a month late...