Home help, sister in law is always in the picture

[lovehurts101]

hi all, I am in need of help. I know all of you guys are such a big support group and hope that I can be apart of this PS family. I just got married and my husband is really close to his sister, he tells her everything that is going on in our lives. I don''t get why he does that. I''ve asked him many times to please stop, because this makes me feel really bad. I''m trying to fit in his family and all she does it judge me. Every little fight we get into, he goes off and tell his sister. We are husband and wife, we should talk to each other and not to others, I know he needs to vent, but am I wrong to feel the way I do. In the future it will be only be me and him, not me and him and his sister. I''m so sad and I don''t know where to go for answers. I am actually at my parent''s house now, because I need a break for a while and do some real thinking about this situation.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 7/28/2009 1:14:28 AM
Author:lovehurts101
hi all, I am in need of help. I know all of you guys are such a big support group and hope that I can be apart of this PS family. I just got married and my husband is really close to his sister, he tells her everything that is going on in our lives. I don''t get why he does that. I''ve asked him many times to please stop, because this makes me feel really bad. I''m trying to fit in his family and all she does it judge me. Every little fight we get into, he goes off and tell his sister. We are husband and wife, we should talk to each other and not to others, I know he needs to vent, but am I wrong to feel the way I do. In the future it will be only be me and him, not me and him and his sister. I''m so sad and I don''t know where to go for answers. I am actually at my parent''s house now, because I need a break for a while and do some real thinking about this situation.

HUGS.. That stinks, no I don''t think he should be telling his sister all of your personal marital stuff. I remember ages ago when we went to see our reverend before we got married he said keep what happens between you two to yourselves, don''t air your dirty laundry to others.. I can understand you could want to vent to someone as he might too, but doing this each and every time isn''t good for your marriage nor will it help in getting along well with his family.

I would sit him down and tell him how you feel, as in being very serious. If that doesn''t work tell him you want to go to counseling. A therapist would tell him in a nano second that what he is doing is wrong....

But you guys need better means of communication. If that was in place he wouldn''t be running off to tell his sister...

You are newly married, this stuff takes time, just don''t let this pattern continue.

Take it from an old married woman!!!

Good luck!!

 

[Sabine]

I''m sorry you are dealing with this!

Does your husband have any close guy friends? I think it''s important for both people in a relationship to have a friend outside the relationship who they can vent to, complain to (even if it''s irrational at times), and just unload on, because we all do things that get on our spouses'' nerves, and sometimes we just need to get it out to a sounding board. But that becomes really complicated when the person they unload on is also someone you are trying to build a relationship with. Because it sounds like your relationship with sil is not well-established yet, your dh talking to her about you is definitely going to affect the way your relationship forms, possibly permanently.

The only thing I can think of that might help is asking your dh to find someone you don''t need to build a relationship with to talk to, at least until you''ve built a strong relationship with your sil. Good luck!

 

[phoenixgirl]

I''m sorry you''re going through this.

I got the sense from your post that you are having problems other than this confidante issue, and maybe that is why he is confiding in her. It sounds like the chicken and the egg to me . . . are you having problems because he is too close with his sister, or he is confiding in his sister all of this private stuff because you are having problems?

I think the possible scenarios are:

a) he stops confiding in his sister, perhaps at the risk of estrangement
b) your marriage doesn''t work out
c) you get through this rough patch and find a balance where he can be close to his sister without the bulk of what he tells her about you being negative

I do think going to counseling is a must if it has gone as far as you staying with your parents. You need to figure out why you guys aren''t getting along and how to adjust your other relationships now that you are married. I suspect that if you make a commitment to working on the marriage and compromising, he''ll want to talk to his sister about negative stuff less, but if you make all of your problems about her, then he''ll react by pulling further away from you. Even if you succeed in getting him to talk to her less, that will just add to her negative opinion of you, right? I think that the solution to work toward is harmony and understanding between the you and your husband, and then see if this sister thing clears itself up once he doesn''t have anything he needs to vent about. If it doesn''t and it seems like he''s dysfunctionally close with her, then you can address that once things have calmed down between you and you''ve established a communication pattern that works for you.

Good luck with everything.

 

[nycbkgirl]

I sympathize bc that is a terrible terrible situation! I would not be happy (putting it mildly!)...my ? Is was he like this before you got married or did this happen now? Bc it seemed u are just finding out about this relationship with his sister.?.....but in any case....def have some serious convos with him...ask him if he wants his sis to dislike u...and if he want u to tell your family everything he does etc...and then explain how this is hurtful ...lay out ur feelings on the table..straight and forward ....keep us posted...good luck!

 

[Sha]

No, I don''t think you''re wrong for feeling the way you do. I would be very uncomfortable with that as well. There''s a certain level of privacy that a married couple should have - it''s not everything lthat happens between the two of you that needs to be shared with the outside world. I have friends that I talk to - but I definitely don''t tell them everything about our relationship - probably not even half of the things. I know DH would be very uncomfortable with that as well....and it would make it difficult for him to feel comfortable socializing withmy friends, knowing that they know everything that''s going on.

I agree that it sounds like there are other issues here beside the confidante issue though.....seeing that you''re taking a break at your parents'' house...

I hope you guys will be able to discuss your issues in a bit more depth, and come to some sort of resolution.

 

[Haven]

Big hugs, that is a terrible situation.

I would feel the same way if I were in your shoes.

I''m sure you''ve done this already, but I would sit down with DH and very clearly tell him all of the negative consequences of his confiding in his sister. Make sure that he clearly understands that you feel judged, estranged, and uncomfortable around his sister because of how much he shares with her.

Once he gets it, the two of you can try to come up with alternatives. Does he have a close guy friend who can act as his confidant?

So sorry, I hope this gets better soon.

(The baby in your avatar is ADORABLE!!!!)

 

[cara]

If you have asked him many times to stop something hurtful to you, and he still clings to it, and it is childish, divisive behavior (running and tattling on you to his sister, who then judges you) then this is the caustic stuff that breaks up marriages. Head to a marriage counselor for a professional third party intervention. (Not an unwanted sister/in-law third party intervention.) Maybe you can get lucky and solve this yourselves without counseling, but you have already tried and given that you are clearly having serious communication and trust and boundary issues, you don't have time to waste. You need to fix it before you start hate each other and preferably before your bad habits have become too established, if possible.

 

[NakedFinger]

Im sorry you are going through this. I wanted to comment on what nycbkgrl said. "ask him if he wants his sis to dislike u...", because that is exactly what you are doing. Whether we like to admit it or not, people remember things and hold onto it. Even if he is just venting, and his complaints are just irrational thoughts in the heat of the moment, his sister is going to remember it, and throw it your face (and his face) everytime something comes up. That is why if I mad, I am very careful to what I say to people.

All couples have little tiffs, but I will be honest, I would NEVER talk badly about my SO to anyone. I respect him, and would never want to talk behind his back or speak of him in a bad light. If I have a problem with him, I am telling him, not a third party who can do anything for us but form their own "opinions" that dont matter to us (and then hold it against him in the future). Communication is key in a marriage, so if he has issues he should be communicating them to you. Likewise, you should be communicating to him that you dont want your problems between the two of you aired out to someone else.

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 7/28/2009 11:03:35 AM
Author: cara
If you have asked him many times to stop something hurtful to you, and he still clings to it, and it is childish, divisive behavior (running and tattling on you to his sister, who then judges you) then this is the caustic stuff that breaks up marriages. Head to a marriage counselor for a professional third party intervention. (Not an unwanted sister/in-law third party intervention.) Maybe you can get lucky and solve this yourselves without counseling, but you have already tried and given that you are clearly having serious communication and trust and boundary issues, you don''t have time to waste. You need to fix it before you start hate each other and preferably before your bad habits have become too established, if possible.

sage advice here. if he won''t go, you go on your own to get the courage to make the decision i think is already lurking in your mind.

mz

 

[lovehurts101]

Thank you for everyone''s support and hugs. I wanted to also share that we have the normal little fights that couples have, there is nothing else, I have my faults and he has his... but every time we have those little fights he runs off and tell his sister and when he does that, the small fights we have becomes big.
I also have a sister, but I don''t share my personal fights that I have with my husband with her, she doesn''t want to know, whatever that is between my husband and I should be just that. I just want my family to know the good things about us, not the bad things. We are all humans, and we will judge regardless.
We talked last night on the phone and I''ve asked him AGAIN to please respect this marriage and us, please do not share anything with his sister. He said that he grew up like this, everything that is going on, he was told that they should all go to each other for advice. I said that''s fine, but We should go to each other before anyone else, because when we said our vows, we became our own family. HE doesn''t get it, he doesn''t think this is wrong at all. Then I told him, well do you want me to just keep everything inside and bottled up, because I am so afraid you will go and tell your sister. I told him, if he wants me to do that, then our marriage will not work. I dont get why he doesn''t respect my wishes and try to make it better for both of us.
His sister is very aggressive, and I''m not, I hate conflict and she doesn''t think I''m good enough for her brother, she said to me once, I am very protective of my brother, if anyone hurts him, I will do whatever it takes to make sure her life isn''t a happy one. After that I was scared and for him to go off and tell her stuff, this just makes the situation worst. I hate going to his parent''s house, because she lives there. I have also made an appointment to see a marriage counselor.

 

[QueenB29]

I completely understand where you''re coming from. My SIL is evil. She is a pathological liar who makes up stories about me to make trouble for me with my MIL and she deliberately misinterprets everything, even trying to rewrite history to make situations she caused my fault.

When we first started dating and for a few months after we got engaged, DH lived at home to save money on rent. And basically, his family found out everything about our relationship. It was awful. Especially because they would only hear one side of the story, and interpret things the way they wanted. It caused many fights between us and has affected my relationship with my in-laws to this day. If he had continued living with them much longer and sharing our business, our relationship would have ended.

Finally, he was like, if I have to choose between you and my family, I''m going to choose my family. And I was like, well I would choose the one who wasn''t making me choose. Needless to say, I was devastated. I was in a two-month class for the Army at the time (I''m a federal civilian), and one of my classmates who had been married for a while was like, look, he''s planning to spend the rest of his life with you. You''re going to be his wife. You should come first with him no matter what. He was right. So that night I said the same thing to my DH on the phone and it really seemed to click that time.

Fortunately, he moved to be with me a short time later and we moved in together, and the geographical distance meant he couldn''t run to his family any more. Our relationship drastically improved.

I agree about the counseling as well, and what about writing your DH a letter and telling him how you feel? Don''t make any ultimatums, just tell him how much it hurts you when he tells his sister everything, that it''s ruined your relationship with your SIL and it''s ruining your relationship with him. Let the letter sit for a couple of days before giving it to him, and I would probably have someone else (your mom?) read it over to make sure you don''t sound too harsh. Sometimes, when people see things in black and white, it gets through to them better. That may be how he grew up and he might not know any better......

Good luck. I really hope things get better for you.

 

[Lilac]

Date: 7/28/2009 11:40:53 AM
Author: lovehurts101
Thank you for everyone''s support and hugs. I wanted to also share that we have the normal little fights that couples have, there is nothing else, I have my faults and he has his... but every time we have those little fights he runs off and tell his sister and when he does that, the small fights we have becomes big.

I also have a sister, but I don''t share my personal fights that I have with my husband with her, she doesn''t want to know, whatever that is between my husband and I should be just that. I just want my family to know the good things about us, not the bad things. We are all humans, and we will judge regardless.

We talked last night on the phone and I''ve asked him AGAIN to please respect this marriage and us, please do not share anything with his sister. He said that he grew up like this, everything that is going on, he was told that they should all go to each other for advice. I said that''s fine, but We should go to each other before anyone else, because when we said our vows, we became our own family. HE doesn''t get it, he doesn''t think this is wrong at all. Then I told him, well do you want me to just keep everything inside and bottled up, because I am so afraid you will go and tell your sister. I told him, if he wants me to do that, then our marriage will not work. I dont get why he doesn''t respect my wishes and try to make it better for both of us.

His sister is very aggressive, and I''m not, I hate conflict and she doesn''t think I''m good enough for her brother, she said to me once, I am very protective of my brother, if anyone hurts him, I will do whatever it takes to make sure her life isn''t a happy one. After that I was scared and for him to go off and tell her stuff, this just makes the situation worst. I hate going to his parent''s house, because she lives there. I have also made an appointment to see a marriage counselor.

I''m sorry you''re dealing with this situation - I would feel hurt and upset too if my husband did that.

I think if you spoke to him about it and clearly communicated your feelings and he still refuses to acknowledge or listen to them (and stop telling his sister everything that goes on between the two of you) then a marriage counselor might be necessary. Especially because you say "I dont get why he doesn''t respect my wishes and try to make it better for both of us." That statement really shows how you feel about this and really tells me the two of you could probably benefit from meeting with a marriage counselor.

I really hope this gets better soon because I can tell you''re obviously very hurt by this

 

[purrfectpear]

I''m guessing either you''re both pretty young, or you''re both a little naive? He runs and tells his sister, and you run home. Not a good prognosis for the future guys.

First of all, you both need to commit to and understand that you are a team. You need to stop looking outside for support from friends and family, and work things out between the two of you. The best way to accomplish that is to spend some time with a relationship counselor who will teach you both some communication tools. There''s nothing to be ashamed about learning skills, and that is what a counselor is for.

Nip it in the bud now, before bad habits and resentments are formed.

 

[sbde]

so sorry you are having to deal with this

hugs to you. hopefully if the two of you can continue this discussion you''ve started he will begin to react differently and understand where the lines need to be drawn when it comes to the details of your marriage.

 

[zhuzhu]

I agree with you completely that it is a BAD idea for your husband to share the details of your fight with his sibling. Especially when you and her do not like each other too much at the moment. I do believe there are things that shouldn't be disclosed to people outside the marriage. After all marriage is a special kind ot intimacy between the 2 partners, not the whole extended family circle.

I don't have specific advice to give except to say that I support you and hope you manage to get through your husband how much "privacy" means in a marriage.

 

[lovehurts101]

update, eveything seem to be better now, only time could tell....

 

[lovehurts101]

*Update*

We are doing great so far, we went to our first session and talked, tears were flying, voices were high, but in the end I felt much better and it was good for us.

Anyways this past weekend was "My Sister in law wedding" and I wasn''t looking forward to it, I had to go because I''m part of the family now. I guess if his sister and I were closer I wouldn''t mind going. She had a beautiful wedding. I wish things were different between us and she actually stayed out of our personal affairs, but I know she will not and she will continue to speak her mind and look after her brother. I bought this up a lot during our session, he promise that he will try to keep our affairs to ourselves, but he also said he needed to vent, he doesn''t want to vent to his friends because they will talk about him. I don''t know still...

 

[purrfectpear]

Glad to hear you''re both being heard. Maybe your counselor will suggest he use a journal to get his feelings out. I understand him not wanting to go to his friends, but as you know, his sister isn''t a good idea either. In a private journal he can vent to his hearts content

 

[lovehurts101]

That''s a really good idea, I will try to suggest that to him. The reality is there is no such thing as a perfect marriage because there are no perfect people. I will have to always remember that...

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I am sorry this is causing you hurt.

 

[cara]

Date: 8/9/2009 11:44:47 AM
Author: lovehurts101
*Update*


We are doing great so far, we went to our first session and talked, tears were flying, voices were high, but in the end I felt much better and it was good for us.


Anyways this past weekend was ''My Sister in law wedding'' and I wasn''t looking forward to it, I had to go because I''m part of the family now. I guess if his sister and I were closer I wouldn''t mind going. She had a beautiful wedding. I wish things were different between us and she actually stayed out of our personal affairs, but I know she will not and she will continue to speak her mind and look after her brother. I bought this up a lot during our session, he promise that he will try to keep our affairs to ourselves, but he also said he needed to vent, he doesn''t want to vent to his friends because they will talk about him. I don''t know still...

Good job going to a counselor - even if it is hard, hopefully it will be worth it in the end. But here are some things to consider for next time: his ''venting'' to his sister is undermining your marriage and your relationship with your inlaws. Is his need to vent more important than the consequences you suffer from it? I think it is important that you can trust him to protect you - this is the stuff of true intimacy. You need to be able to trust him with your whole self, good, bad, and ugly, but also to trust him to look out for your image with the inlaws, especially as this sister has judged you in the past and especially as he has taken it upon himself to share the *worst* of you at times when he was upset with you. If he sees you and him as a unit first, maybe he woln''t feel the need to ''vent'' to his family in a way that makes you look bad. Because he choose you, and you reflect on him. Dissing you while venting only helps if he sees himself as separate from you.

There is something deeply unattractive about a man who is ''venting'' repeatedly and aggressively about his wife - is it because he is with someone he doesn''t respect, someone he shouldn''t be with, somehow worthy of this disrespect? Or does it show something about himself - it may be that he really likes to feel like someone is on his side after a fight with you such that he tells his family, whom he knows to be receptive to his side, a really biased version of events that make you look bad. Or maybe the two of you have childish fights that don''t bring out positive characteristics in each other. Whatever it is, I don''t think that ''venting'' about your fights to someone who has previously judged you and then holds it against you in the future is good for your long term prospects OR shows good things about your hubby. Its not that he can''t have any friends or share outside the marriage - its that in sharing, he needs to take some care to not use that outside communication for validation of his position in disagreements within the marriage, at least not on deeply important stuff, and he needs to be careful not to just put you down to someone not inclined to give you a fair hearing. ''Just venting'' can be quite dangerous to your relationship in those contexts.