Let me preface this by saying that I am a PS member but I felt to ashamed to post this under my normal name.
But I really value everyone''s insight, suggestions, support, viewpoints, (all the reasons I love PS), so I am coming here for some help...
Okay, deep breath......
About 10 years ago my father was injured at work and suffers from a very bad back injury. Throughout the years he has had a number of major surgeries, fused vertebrae, and generally a whole slew of health problems related to that. He has also suffered from an aneurysm in the brain and has thankfully recovered well. Recently he also has some GI problems. Initially after the injury took place his whole life was changed, both physically and in a material sense. His pain was tremendous and he could barely walk and even laying down was in pain. This also disrupted his work (manual labor/supervisor). Because of the issue surrounding the injuries there was much legal wrangling but no settlement in his case and while he does receive workers comp, etc. it in no way neared his overall income and my parents began to fall deeply in dept on morgage and other such loans. Around this same time he began seeing a new doctor and was prescribed oxycotin. At first it seemed to be a miracle - he could move around more and he contstant pain was lessend. However, over time a very deep problem developed. In hindsight I realize that a very big problem was developing. He was becoming addicted to the medicine (which is legally precribed). Also, it deteriotes his cognitive ability. I did not live near to my parents at this time so I did not really see it happening. I knew that the money troubles were getting very bad however. Eventually they lost the house and filed for bankruptcy. Since this time they have bounced around from hotel to motel, to friends house, generally all over in inadequate and unstable situations. There have been extended periods where I cannot contact them, I (and no one) knows where they are or how to reach them. Then they surface again.
Eventually I moved closer to them again and now I can see what the real issue is. it is apparent to me, and family on both sides, that he is addicted to this drug in a bad way and possible others. Also, it appears to me that perhaps my own mother started to take/use it as well. At first I tried, because in a way I was in denial, to just help them along where i could and thought that this would nudge them to be back on the straight and narrow so to speak. Obviously, this did not work. Then they came into some legal trouble surrounding the drug and trial to hide this from me. When I found out I confronted them and they insisted they insisted that they were not using anything and that of course my father was on the medicine but was allowed to be (he is). This legal trouble has resulted in a diversion program and counseling.
At the time of the confrontation it had been a few years into this saga of where I knew that things were wrong. I had helped, given money, cried, and generally had a broken heart about the whole thing. I don''t mean this post to come across without emotion, it is just that I am trying to get across the basic facts. I am devastated about it all. These are not the people I know and love. They are strangers to me. Anyway, I said to myself that if they do not come clean with me even when I confront them about their problems and offer them my support, then I will have to cut them out of my life. I will leave the door open when they are ready to come through but you cannot force such a person they need to want it themselves. So, needless to say, they were in denial about everything and full of excuses when I confronted them. Since that time, I have not spoken to them (about 8 months). They have called me twice, of course acting as though all is okay, but I have let it go to voice mail without a return call. Sometimes I think these calls are good because at least I know that they are alive (I am not being snarky), because every day I honestly wonder if they are or if they are dead or in a hospital.
Anyway - now comes the point that I need help. I have been with FI for many years. He knew my parents from our early dating days as the normal people they were. He did not see them devolve but as I learned I informed him. Our wedding is approaching. FI parents have never met my parents. I do not want to have my parents at my wedding the way they are. If they were there I would be so ashamed and stressful. It can not be hidden. I do not want FI parents to see or know if this issue. I have colleagues of both of ours that will also be there. Generally, I do feel as though the day would be stressful and sour to me. I don''t think honestly I could do it. I have heard from family members that they have an idea that we may have set a date (fast approaching), but either they are too out there to bug me about it or they perhaps do not think it is true. I have asked (probably unfairly so), that my family does not disclose this to them although I did not ask them to lie.
This obviously pains me very much. I love them deeply and know that they are taken over by addiction and turned into people that I do not know. I hope they can clean themselves up one day and we can make amends. However, I do not feel this is the time to do so. I have informed my side of the family of this already and of course FI knows.
Am I doing the right thing? Am I selfish? How/what do I say to FI parents/family/and others about their absence?
This whole issue has sapped so much joy out of my life already and now if makes me dread my own wedding. I have fears they will just show up. Okay, I am rambling now and I do apologize, but I really do need your help. I know I left some things out but I hope this gives you a general idea.
Also if it helps, I and FI our both around early thirties and our professional people. We have been togther many many years.
Thank you PS
But I really value everyone''s insight, suggestions, support, viewpoints, (all the reasons I love PS), so I am coming here for some help...
Okay, deep breath......
About 10 years ago my father was injured at work and suffers from a very bad back injury. Throughout the years he has had a number of major surgeries, fused vertebrae, and generally a whole slew of health problems related to that. He has also suffered from an aneurysm in the brain and has thankfully recovered well. Recently he also has some GI problems. Initially after the injury took place his whole life was changed, both physically and in a material sense. His pain was tremendous and he could barely walk and even laying down was in pain. This also disrupted his work (manual labor/supervisor). Because of the issue surrounding the injuries there was much legal wrangling but no settlement in his case and while he does receive workers comp, etc. it in no way neared his overall income and my parents began to fall deeply in dept on morgage and other such loans. Around this same time he began seeing a new doctor and was prescribed oxycotin. At first it seemed to be a miracle - he could move around more and he contstant pain was lessend. However, over time a very deep problem developed. In hindsight I realize that a very big problem was developing. He was becoming addicted to the medicine (which is legally precribed). Also, it deteriotes his cognitive ability. I did not live near to my parents at this time so I did not really see it happening. I knew that the money troubles were getting very bad however. Eventually they lost the house and filed for bankruptcy. Since this time they have bounced around from hotel to motel, to friends house, generally all over in inadequate and unstable situations. There have been extended periods where I cannot contact them, I (and no one) knows where they are or how to reach them. Then they surface again.
Eventually I moved closer to them again and now I can see what the real issue is. it is apparent to me, and family on both sides, that he is addicted to this drug in a bad way and possible others. Also, it appears to me that perhaps my own mother started to take/use it as well. At first I tried, because in a way I was in denial, to just help them along where i could and thought that this would nudge them to be back on the straight and narrow so to speak. Obviously, this did not work. Then they came into some legal trouble surrounding the drug and trial to hide this from me. When I found out I confronted them and they insisted they insisted that they were not using anything and that of course my father was on the medicine but was allowed to be (he is). This legal trouble has resulted in a diversion program and counseling.
At the time of the confrontation it had been a few years into this saga of where I knew that things were wrong. I had helped, given money, cried, and generally had a broken heart about the whole thing. I don''t mean this post to come across without emotion, it is just that I am trying to get across the basic facts. I am devastated about it all. These are not the people I know and love. They are strangers to me. Anyway, I said to myself that if they do not come clean with me even when I confront them about their problems and offer them my support, then I will have to cut them out of my life. I will leave the door open when they are ready to come through but you cannot force such a person they need to want it themselves. So, needless to say, they were in denial about everything and full of excuses when I confronted them. Since that time, I have not spoken to them (about 8 months). They have called me twice, of course acting as though all is okay, but I have let it go to voice mail without a return call. Sometimes I think these calls are good because at least I know that they are alive (I am not being snarky), because every day I honestly wonder if they are or if they are dead or in a hospital.
Anyway - now comes the point that I need help. I have been with FI for many years. He knew my parents from our early dating days as the normal people they were. He did not see them devolve but as I learned I informed him. Our wedding is approaching. FI parents have never met my parents. I do not want to have my parents at my wedding the way they are. If they were there I would be so ashamed and stressful. It can not be hidden. I do not want FI parents to see or know if this issue. I have colleagues of both of ours that will also be there. Generally, I do feel as though the day would be stressful and sour to me. I don''t think honestly I could do it. I have heard from family members that they have an idea that we may have set a date (fast approaching), but either they are too out there to bug me about it or they perhaps do not think it is true. I have asked (probably unfairly so), that my family does not disclose this to them although I did not ask them to lie.
This obviously pains me very much. I love them deeply and know that they are taken over by addiction and turned into people that I do not know. I hope they can clean themselves up one day and we can make amends. However, I do not feel this is the time to do so. I have informed my side of the family of this already and of course FI knows.
Am I doing the right thing? Am I selfish? How/what do I say to FI parents/family/and others about their absence?
This whole issue has sapped so much joy out of my life already and now if makes me dread my own wedding. I have fears they will just show up. Okay, I am rambling now and I do apologize, but I really do need your help. I know I left some things out but I hope this gives you a general idea.
Also if it helps, I and FI our both around early thirties and our professional people. We have been togther many many years.
Thank you PS
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