gwendolyn
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Aug 4, 2007
- Messages
- 6,770
IndyGal''s thread on best friends made me think of this story. It''s not a happy one.
As a kid, I had a couple of best friends that sort of rotated when we moved. Once we were in Maryland (when I was 13), I became good friends with a girl named M who was my best friend for a few years. Details are in another post in this thread, but suffice it to say she became exceedingly depressed, I told her parents she was going to hurt herself, and she never spoke to me again.
After our friendship ended, I became closer with another friend K, who had also been depressed at the same time. K''s parents had recently split up--K''s mom was a lesbian, and K it turns out was bi, so she was going through a lot and didn''t know how to handle it. I was (in my opinion) a good friend to her, always listened when she needed someone to talk to, which was fairly often. I had no self-esteem back then, so I always put everyone else first. She came to expect me to drop everything for her, and in retrospect, I think this was probably an unhealthy foundation for our friendship. Regardless, we were good friends in high school, and then went off to separate colleges.
She was one of those friends (I''ll bet everyone''s had at least one) that is calling you or emailing you or seeing you ALL the time, until she starts dating someone, and then--poof! No word for months at a time. This behaviour annoyed me, and I''d tell her that I didn''t appreciate the fact that she would leave me hanging for months on end while she was off spending every minute with her new love interest. She said she would improve the next time, but then she''d fall off the planet again. I got frustrated and when she broke up with whoever the flavour of the month was then, I told her I was sick of being treated like that and she was either my friend or not. No more of this ''only friends when I''m single'' crap. She thought I was being unreasonable and we didn''t talk for 6 months. Eventually we made up again, after she told me she''d done some growing up, and we were friends again.
After college, she moved to Utah. I drove her car out there for her (she has a phobia of lots of things, one of which is driving). After a few years, she moved to NYC. We haven''t lived in the same geographical location in a long time, but we still talked on the phone and emailed a bit. I referred to her as my best friend, and she called me that as well.
I went through a rough time a few years back. My boyfriend B had cheated on me, and my life just wasn''t what I wanted it to be. I used to cry myself to sleep every night because I felt like nothing had worked out the way I wanted it to and I didn''t know where to start to make things better. I was depressed for a year, crying all the time for reasons I didn''t always understand. I kept it to myself, and literally no one knew. I buried myself in work--had four jobs to pay the bills and keep myself busy, but I was still miserable inside. After a year of this, I knew that I needed help, but didn''t have the strength to just call a psychologist out of the blue. K''s mom is a psychologist, and K had always said that therapy was something she recommends for everyone. So I decided to pool together all my strength and tell K that I was depressed, thinking she would be the nudge I needed to get me to call a counselor.
She heard me say I was depressed, and asked, "Are you suicidal?" I said, "No, I don''t think I could ever do that," at which point she told me she didn''t have time to listen to me. She said she was in law school (technically on a break from law school but whatever) and that she had time for J (her boyfriend at the time) and her mom, and that was it. She told me she "had to backburner me" because she "couldn''t deal with me" at that time.
I got even more depressed. When it had been her that was depressed, I had dropped everything to be there for her to help her. Now, I did NOT expect the same in return because a) I know I dropped everything because I had no self-esteem, and b) all I wanted was a few minutes of her time so she''d encourage me to talk to a professional which is what I''d thought she would do. Having her tell me she had no time for me when I was already so depressed was devastating to me. I spent another 6 months being depressed, and didn''t hear back from her in all that time.
Her boyfriend at the time was a very good friend of mine--they had met through me. She had somehow twisted what I had told her and reported it back to her boyfriend (J) as me being upset that they were dating. So, near the end of my (now) year and a half long bout of depression, K''s boyfriend/my friend J confronted me about my problem with their relationship. I was really confused, and said, "What problem? I don''t care that you guys are dating," and he said, "Well why haven''t you and K been talking, then? She said you''ve been upset that we''re dating, and while I can understand that you''re envious because you don''t have someone yourself, I don''t think it''s fair to not talk to her for half a year! That''s ridiculous!" I blinked at him for what felt like an hour and then told him that I''d told her I was depressed and that she''d told me she had no time for me, and THAT''S why we hadn''t talked in 6 months. I love him dearly, but the next thing he did made me worry about their future marriage (they are married now): he shook his head, waved his arms in front of him, and said, "Ok, ok, I don''t want to hear anymore." It was the grown-up equivalent of sticking your fingers in your ears and shouting, "I can''t hear you, la la la la!" He didn''t want to hear anything bad about his girlfriend, even though I suspect he could tell from my shock and my face that I was telling the truth.
K''s mother, the next day, sent me messages over IM, telling me to think of K and all the pain I am causing her. I explained what happened to her also, that *I* was the one who had approached *K* because of my pain, and was turned away into the street. I ended up feeling ganged up on, because they kept saying, "Think of K, think of K!" and I had no one to stick up for me. I had a conversation with her, where I told her about what I had told her about being depressed, and how she had "backburnered" me because she didn''t have time for me, and she never denied it, but avoided it altogether. She kept coming back to this imagined issue about her and J, and I said, "NO. That was NOT what IT was ABOUT." But she wouldn''t hear me. I have never in my life experienced anyone so deliberately obtuse before. She had created her own reality and wasn''t budged for anything.
When they later announced they were getting married, I was asked to be the maid of honour. Her fiance/my friend said, "No matter what has happen, you are still her best friend." I said, "I''m sorry, but I can''t say the same. I don''t trust her anymore. The one time in my life I needed her, and she told me to get lost." Again, he didn''t want to hear it, so he shrugged off my comments and said it would mean the world to both of them if I would show my blessing of their marriage by being the maid of honour. She made me give a speech about her at the reception. I made it one more about her husband, a funny story, to avoid all the weird issues going on.
She still calls me her best friend. When I hear people talking of their best friends, I feel kind of cheated. Like the relationship I thought I''d had for so long turned out to be so much weaker than I ever imagined. I told my mother about it all after the fact (my mother, when she is having good days, can be a good friend to me), and she said that it was terrible but not surprising since K was always more of a taker than she was a giver.
K informed me a couple of years ago that, when J and I get married, she will be my maid of honour. She is in for an unpleasant surprise.
I am thankful to have James in my life now. He truly is my best friend.
As a kid, I had a couple of best friends that sort of rotated when we moved. Once we were in Maryland (when I was 13), I became good friends with a girl named M who was my best friend for a few years. Details are in another post in this thread, but suffice it to say she became exceedingly depressed, I told her parents she was going to hurt herself, and she never spoke to me again.
After our friendship ended, I became closer with another friend K, who had also been depressed at the same time. K''s parents had recently split up--K''s mom was a lesbian, and K it turns out was bi, so she was going through a lot and didn''t know how to handle it. I was (in my opinion) a good friend to her, always listened when she needed someone to talk to, which was fairly often. I had no self-esteem back then, so I always put everyone else first. She came to expect me to drop everything for her, and in retrospect, I think this was probably an unhealthy foundation for our friendship. Regardless, we were good friends in high school, and then went off to separate colleges.
She was one of those friends (I''ll bet everyone''s had at least one) that is calling you or emailing you or seeing you ALL the time, until she starts dating someone, and then--poof! No word for months at a time. This behaviour annoyed me, and I''d tell her that I didn''t appreciate the fact that she would leave me hanging for months on end while she was off spending every minute with her new love interest. She said she would improve the next time, but then she''d fall off the planet again. I got frustrated and when she broke up with whoever the flavour of the month was then, I told her I was sick of being treated like that and she was either my friend or not. No more of this ''only friends when I''m single'' crap. She thought I was being unreasonable and we didn''t talk for 6 months. Eventually we made up again, after she told me she''d done some growing up, and we were friends again.
After college, she moved to Utah. I drove her car out there for her (she has a phobia of lots of things, one of which is driving). After a few years, she moved to NYC. We haven''t lived in the same geographical location in a long time, but we still talked on the phone and emailed a bit. I referred to her as my best friend, and she called me that as well.
I went through a rough time a few years back. My boyfriend B had cheated on me, and my life just wasn''t what I wanted it to be. I used to cry myself to sleep every night because I felt like nothing had worked out the way I wanted it to and I didn''t know where to start to make things better. I was depressed for a year, crying all the time for reasons I didn''t always understand. I kept it to myself, and literally no one knew. I buried myself in work--had four jobs to pay the bills and keep myself busy, but I was still miserable inside. After a year of this, I knew that I needed help, but didn''t have the strength to just call a psychologist out of the blue. K''s mom is a psychologist, and K had always said that therapy was something she recommends for everyone. So I decided to pool together all my strength and tell K that I was depressed, thinking she would be the nudge I needed to get me to call a counselor.
She heard me say I was depressed, and asked, "Are you suicidal?" I said, "No, I don''t think I could ever do that," at which point she told me she didn''t have time to listen to me. She said she was in law school (technically on a break from law school but whatever) and that she had time for J (her boyfriend at the time) and her mom, and that was it. She told me she "had to backburner me" because she "couldn''t deal with me" at that time.
I got even more depressed. When it had been her that was depressed, I had dropped everything to be there for her to help her. Now, I did NOT expect the same in return because a) I know I dropped everything because I had no self-esteem, and b) all I wanted was a few minutes of her time so she''d encourage me to talk to a professional which is what I''d thought she would do. Having her tell me she had no time for me when I was already so depressed was devastating to me. I spent another 6 months being depressed, and didn''t hear back from her in all that time.
Her boyfriend at the time was a very good friend of mine--they had met through me. She had somehow twisted what I had told her and reported it back to her boyfriend (J) as me being upset that they were dating. So, near the end of my (now) year and a half long bout of depression, K''s boyfriend/my friend J confronted me about my problem with their relationship. I was really confused, and said, "What problem? I don''t care that you guys are dating," and he said, "Well why haven''t you and K been talking, then? She said you''ve been upset that we''re dating, and while I can understand that you''re envious because you don''t have someone yourself, I don''t think it''s fair to not talk to her for half a year! That''s ridiculous!" I blinked at him for what felt like an hour and then told him that I''d told her I was depressed and that she''d told me she had no time for me, and THAT''S why we hadn''t talked in 6 months. I love him dearly, but the next thing he did made me worry about their future marriage (they are married now): he shook his head, waved his arms in front of him, and said, "Ok, ok, I don''t want to hear anymore." It was the grown-up equivalent of sticking your fingers in your ears and shouting, "I can''t hear you, la la la la!" He didn''t want to hear anything bad about his girlfriend, even though I suspect he could tell from my shock and my face that I was telling the truth.
K''s mother, the next day, sent me messages over IM, telling me to think of K and all the pain I am causing her. I explained what happened to her also, that *I* was the one who had approached *K* because of my pain, and was turned away into the street. I ended up feeling ganged up on, because they kept saying, "Think of K, think of K!" and I had no one to stick up for me. I had a conversation with her, where I told her about what I had told her about being depressed, and how she had "backburnered" me because she didn''t have time for me, and she never denied it, but avoided it altogether. She kept coming back to this imagined issue about her and J, and I said, "NO. That was NOT what IT was ABOUT." But she wouldn''t hear me. I have never in my life experienced anyone so deliberately obtuse before. She had created her own reality and wasn''t budged for anything.
When they later announced they were getting married, I was asked to be the maid of honour. Her fiance/my friend said, "No matter what has happen, you are still her best friend." I said, "I''m sorry, but I can''t say the same. I don''t trust her anymore. The one time in my life I needed her, and she told me to get lost." Again, he didn''t want to hear it, so he shrugged off my comments and said it would mean the world to both of them if I would show my blessing of their marriage by being the maid of honour. She made me give a speech about her at the reception. I made it one more about her husband, a funny story, to avoid all the weird issues going on.
She still calls me her best friend. When I hear people talking of their best friends, I feel kind of cheated. Like the relationship I thought I''d had for so long turned out to be so much weaker than I ever imagined. I told my mother about it all after the fact (my mother, when she is having good days, can be a good friend to me), and she said that it was terrible but not surprising since K was always more of a taker than she was a giver.
K informed me a couple of years ago that, when J and I get married, she will be my maid of honour. She is in for an unpleasant surprise.
I am thankful to have James in my life now. He truly is my best friend.
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