Wedding Grumpy Fiancee?

[FoxyBride]

If I say anything even beginning with the word "W" my FH gets all bent out of shape. He thinks all aspects of weddings and wedding planning are a pain and would rather just go to a JP and be done with it. Now I''m not a high maintenance bride at all; I just want my parents & 4 sibs to be there and to have an actual ceremony and reception. Beyond that, I don''t have too may preferences. He did perk up for 30 seconds though when I suggested an in-suite reception. We are getting married in Vegas and he thinks Vegas suites are pimp. (And he fancies himself a "pimp.")

How to you ladies deal with a less than enthusiastic fiancee? I want it to be fun for him too. I believe it should be "our" day, not just something all catered to the bride.

 

[aprilcait]

Have you asked him (in a non-confrontational, non-accusatory way) why he seems to shut down when the "w" word is mentioned? When you bring up wedding planning stuff to him are you actually asking for his opinions on things or are you asking him to simply validate your decisions? Meaning, are you asking him open-ended questions or are you guiding his answers and getting upset with him if he doesn''t agree with your view/vision?

I talked with DH before we got engaged and let him know my feelings on wedding planning: it''s the couple''s day - not just the bride''s day - so both partners should be involved in the wedding planning. So, he knew from the get-go that his participation was required.

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 8/7/2008 11:54:12 PM
Author:FoxyBride
If I say anything even beginning with the word ''W'' my FH gets all bent out of shape. He thinks all aspects of weddings and wedding planning are a pain and would rather just go to a JP and be done with it. Now I''m not a high maintenance bride at all; I just want my parents & 4 sibs to be there and to have an actual ceremony and reception. Beyond that, I don''t have too may preferences. He did perk up for 30 seconds though when I suggested an in-suite reception. We are getting married in Vegas and he thinks Vegas suites are pimp. (And he fancies himself a ''pimp.'')

How to you ladies deal with a less than enthusiastic fiancee? I want it to be fun for him too. I believe it should be ''our'' day, not just something all catered to the bride.

I *try* not to set him up for failure. I know exactly how he is. He''s concerned about alochol and that''s it. So I try to keep all the details to myself and talk to my girlfriends about it. Whenever there are huge, important decisions to make then I''ll ask him because I can''t do it alone (such as our convo about the guest list last night). But the minor do you like these flowers or these flowers I just leave him out of it completely. He''s a happy FH that way LOL

 

[FoxyBride]

Date: 8/8/2008 9:29:38 AM
Author: aprilcait
Have you asked him (in a non-confrontational, non-accusatory way) why he seems to shut down when the ''w'' word is mentioned? When you bring up wedding planning stuff to him are you actually asking for his opinions on things or are you asking him to simply validate your decisions? Meaning, are you asking him open-ended questions or are you guiding his answers and getting upset with him if he doesn''t agree with your view/vision?


I talked with DH before we got engaged and let him know my feelings on wedding planning: it''s the couple''s day - not just the bride''s day - so both partners should be involved in the wedding planning. So, he knew from the get-go that his participation was required.

Yea I''ve asked and what he says is that it''s a bunch of woman garbage and no matter what I say it absolutely is not about men and that ALL men hate weddings and wedding planning (he''s been a groomsman 5 times) and that there is no way he will like it.

I ask questions like "how many people you think will come from your family?" and he gets all bent out of shape. That''s not something I can figure out myself. He suggested a island destination wedding once before we decided on Vegas and I''m like cool "which island?" and that still was too much. I''m at my wits end.

 

[FoxyBride]

Date: 8/8/2008 9:40:48 AM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 8/7/2008 11:54:12 PM


I *try* not to set him up for failure. I know exactly how he is. He''s concerned about alochol and that''s it. So I try to keep all the details to myself and talk to my girlfriends about it. Whenever there are huge, important decisions to make then I''ll ask him because I can''t do it alone (such as our convo about the guest list last night). But the minor do you like these flowers or these flowers I just leave him out of it completely. He''s a happy FH that way LOL

Well we are paying for the wedding ourselves so I have to ask him before I make a decision that concerns money. So I don''t say something like "which flowers" it''s more like "these are cheap, you want to go with this?" and he''s like "man I don''t *bleeping* care". Now I would just spend how I want to and not ask him anything but that also causes a problem "$500 for that??!!" This is the same guy who has $200 jeans and $100 t-shirts but to him, weddings are a big money pit. I dunno, maybe he''ll come around one day.

 

[Sabine]

It sounds like he just isn''t into it, and that''s okay, but you probably aren''t going to be able to change him and although it stinks that he''s not excited, a lot of guys are like that. But you probably do need his input for some things (guest list, budget), so what I would do is sit him down and explain to him that he will need to help with certain things, and while you understand that he won''t ENJOY helping, you would appreciate if he could do it without hurting your feelings. Clearly figure out what you need his help on (maybe get him to approve an overall budget, and then it can be up to you as to what exactly you want to spend on what), and then get that stuff over with as quickly and painlessly as possible.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Some guys just don''t want to plan weddings. And thats okay. You can still make it about the both of you without having him 110% in on the action.

You clearly know you Fiancee very well...so you should just take the liberty. Plan it out, and add little touches you know he''ll love...but make them surprises. So on your wedding day, he''ll have all these surprises....like, his favorite wine with dinner, or his favorite salad, or a layer of his favorite cake. Maybe hire a cigar roller for the guys before the wedding OR during the reception (since he fancies himself a pimp!).

If you think about it, its a real win/win. By planning a wedding meant to surprise and thrill him, you wouldn''t want to disclose your secrets which DOES leave him in the dark -- hence not making him cranky. But you get to plan things he''ll love!

 

[aprilcait]

I should have asked this earlier. Do you enjoy planning the wedding, Foxybride? Meaning, are you the party-planning type who enjoys planning out all of the details, or is wedding planning something you''re not that into?

 

[FoxyBride]

Sabine: I don't want him to all of a sudden be over the moon about the wedding, I'd just like him to not flip into "uughhhh I hate this mode" when I ask him a simple question, like how many people do you want to invite. I'm going to try to just get an overall idea of the wedding but I fear that too will be be like pulling teeth.

Italian: I was thinking of doing the surprise thing (a cigar roller is actually something I thought of!) but I am just trying to get the plans to a point where I can do that. Like get it to where we have major stuff done, date, venue, # of guests, and then I can just fill in details from there.

April: I'm a planner by nature. I'm the one who plans all family events, I planned my big sister's wedding, I'm planning my little sister's baby shower now, and I've planned all the trips me and the FH have ever taken. He's never had a problem with being asked questions about our trips and they've all happened flawlessly so his problem is very wedding specific.

 

[aprilcait]

Date: 8/8/2008 12:46:54 PM
Author: FoxyBride
Sabine: I don''t want him to all of a sudden be over the moon about the wedding, I''d just like him to not flip into ''uughhhh I hate this mode'' when I ask him a simple question, like how many people do you want to invite. I''m going to try to just get an overall idea of the wedding but I fear that too will be be like pulling teeth.

Italian: I was thinking of doing the surprise thing (a cigar roller is actually something I thought of!) but I am just trying to get the plans to a point where I can do that. Like get it to where we have major stuff done, date, venue, # of guests, and then I can just fill in details from there.

April: I''m a planner by nature. I''m the one who plans all family events, I planned my big sister''s wedding, I''m planning my little sister''s baby shower now, and I''ve planned all the trips me and the FH have ever taken. He''s never had a problem with being asked questions about our trips and they''ve all happened flawlessly so his problem is very wedding specific.

That''s good that you like the planning because otherwise I would have to say that your FI would need to get his rump in gear and really share in the work. OK, I still say that but it''s not quite as bad because you do actually enjoy planning.

Now, I do say he needs to quit this macho rebellion crud. I mean, seriously, he''s a grown man; enough with the temper tantrums... he needs to suck it up and help plan one of the biggest days of his life especially if he''s not being asked to do all that much, IMO. Sorry, I just don''t see where some guys get let off the hook for this stuff. I understand that they may not like it or they might view it as "girl stuff" (ugh, don''t get me started) but too bad; we all have to do stuff we don''t enjoy doing, it''s 2008 and it''s time for equal partnership, bub. OK, I''m finished ranting... and breathe.

 

[cara]

Just my opinion, but he is over the line on this one. This wedding-planning thing does throw the guys for a loop sometimes. But I don''t think that being the groom gives him a free pass on being childish and difficult. You two are still partners, and if nothing else, he should be supportive for your sake, even if he could care less about some details. He should be polite when you ask him a question, and do his best to answer it, because you care about the answer and it will make your life easier. Even if his answer is, I''m sorry, all those flowers look equally pretty to me.

Some of his responses are passive-aggressive BS. If he really, actively wanted to go to the justice of the peace and NOT have a wedding of any kind, well, one, that would have meant he had an opinion on something wedding related and not just "didn''t care" and two, he shouldn''t have agreed to any wedding if he couldn''t be somewhat supportive. When he agreed to this small-wedding compromise, I am sure that you did not agree to allow him to make your life planning it difficult by acting like a truculent child when you ask him something.

Sitting down at some point (when not actively wedding-planning) is warranted. Ask him to show you some basic consideration for the effort you are putting in by actually making a contribution when he is able, such as estimating the attendance for his side. And otherwise, he needs to be civil. While it sounds like you the best you should hope for is a "yes, dear, whatever you want" kind of groom, he has actually shown some interest in the partying aspects of the wedding. You might be able to gain some traction by explaining that there is a party-hosting aspect to wedding planning, and men both throw parties and go to parties, and occasionally enjoy them.

Good luck!

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 8/7/2008 11:54:12 PM
Author:FoxyBride
If I say anything even beginning with the word 'W' my FH gets all bent out of shape. He thinks all aspects of weddings and wedding planning are a pain and would rather just go to a JP and be done with it. Now I'm not a high maintenance bride at all; I just want my parents & 4 sibs to be there and to have an actual ceremony and reception. Beyond that, I don't have too may preferences. He did perk up for 30 seconds though when I suggested an in-suite reception. We are getting married in Vegas and he thinks Vegas suites are pimp. (And he fancies himself a 'pimp.')

How to you ladies deal with a less than enthusiastic fiancee? I want it to be fun for him too. I believe it should be 'our' day, not just something all catered to the bride.

You had me laughing out loud at the bolded part.

I feel you. We aren't engaged yet, but the W word is kind of skirted around, even when we're blatantly talking about it. He's very much like your FI minus the pimp part. He actually suggested the idea of a Vegas wedding because it will be smaller and less stress for both of us, besides just being easier (hopefully). If we had gotten married here, it would have been a dog and pony show, and utterly miserable for him. And for me as well, honestly.

Is there anything that he wants specifically? BF suggested Vegas, I researched the hotels, asked him if there were any hotels he preferred, showed him the options that I had chosen, let him decide to nix a couple, and have pretty much completely balanced the "where" part with him. Dinner afterwards is going to be pretty much all up to me, because I'm a serious food snob, but so long as there is something he'll eat on the menu, he's fine with it. And he's happy that we aren't doing dancing or anything else-which I decided mostly for him. I think guys are weird about weddings in general, unless they are really gung-ho into planning, but most just aren't like that.

Another thing I decided was that he has to wear flip flops. He really isn't comfortable in any other shoes, and when I mentioned this idea to him, he kind of balked and said something along the lines of, "But don't YOU want me to wear shoes?" to which I said, "Babes, I want you to be comfortable. I know you hate normal shoes, so I'm *making* you wear flip flops. Plus, if I let you wear flip flops, then you have no say in my shoes." He wears flip flops 90% of the year-that 10% is when it's too cold.

So I'd suggest what other people have, ask for his ideas, try to incorporate things that are important to him on an everyday sense. Let him have input with the food. And his clothes. BF cared about the chapels-which was a surprise to me. He didn't want to get married in one that was too traditional looking. He doesn't care about flowers. He does care about what I'm wearing-tough bananas on that one though. Ask him who he wants to be there. And I do all of this while he's slightly distracted, but not so that I'm interrupting anything.

What have you decided on? How long have you been engaged? Have you guys thought about a date yet?

 

[FoxyBride]

Thanks for all the advice ladies. Sometimes you just need to hear that no, you're not hearing/seeing things, he really is being a bit juvenile. I plan on seeing if we can have a chat about things soon since we are supposed to meet with a planner in a couple weeks and make some decisions. The main sticking point is probably going to be that, between the two of us, he is WAY more prissy about everything; what hotel we stay at, what rental car we get, what he eats, etc. I grew up poor with a "you take what you can get" attitude he grew up poor with a "mommy will get your whatever you want somehow" attitude. I do fear that I will pick a location or something and then he'll be mad because it's not fancy enough but he also doesn't want to drop serious dough on it... grrrrrrrr.

We've only been engaged since 7/2/08 but he's been grumpy since before that... LOL. The only thing we've decided is that it will be in Vegas in May 2009 and that we'll be doing an in-suite reception. No ideas on the ceremony yet. I think I would like to be outdoors and I don't mind the Vegas heat. (I am one of those people who is FREEZING all the time.)

And Freke, he talks all the time about how "cool" and "fly" and "fresh" he is. I think I like them slightly arrogant. LOL

 

[FoxyBride]

Oh, I forgot to add:

I also asked him could we do an engagement party when my sister visits from Atlanta in October so the two sides of our family could meet and he said NO! I almost cried! (Ok I did cry a little on the inside.) He said he has never heard of anyone having an engagement party and that 1) His family won't come. 2) If they do come, my family probably won't like them because they are a little anti-social so 3) It'd be a waste of money.

Even after I offered to just hold it at our house and cook all the food myself, he still said NO!

 

[tberube]

My fiance has things that he constantly talks about that can drive me nuts if I wasn't patient (he's a sculptor and is always talking about commissions, and he's a HUGE Batman fan too). So because of that I think he can handle when I talk about things I'm obsessing about a lot. Then again, I'm also sensitive to not talking about this wedding too much, lest I drive myself and everyone around me BANANAS!!

Also, even though there are a lot of choices with the wedding that FI doesn't really care about (like fireyred said...flower choices, etc.), I have let him make a few of the choices (i.e. reception music, cake flavor, ice sculpture) and I think he's enjoyed that. I found it important to remember that this is HIS wedding as well, and that it should reflect some of his tastes as well as mine.

I hope your FI comes to find more patience with you regarding the wedding. This is going to be a special day for both of you, and it would be best if you came to an agreement on how it will be planned, so you'll both enjoy the experience.

 

[tberube]

Date: 8/8/2008 6:22:24 PM
Author: FoxyBride
Oh, I forgot to add:


I also asked him could we do an engagement party when my sister visits from Atlanta in October so the two sides of our family could meet and he said NO! I almost cried! (Ok I did cry a little on the inside.) He said he has never heard of anyone having an engagement party and that 1) His family won''t come. 2) If they do come, my family probably won''t like them because they are a little anti-social so 3) It''d be a waste of money.


Even after I offered to just hold it at our house and cook all the food myself, he still said NO!

Okay, now THAT sounds like my FI. I think we had the exact same conversation...anti-social family and all. But he allowed me to TRY and plan it anyway and I learned on my own that he was completely right. Needless to say we did not have an engagement party.

 

[cara]

Date: 8/8/2008 6:16:09 PM
Author: FoxyBride
The main sticking point is probably going to be that, between the two of us, he is WAY more prissy about everything; what hotel we stay at, what rental car we get, what he eats, etc. I do fear that I will pick a location or something and then he'll be mad because it's not fancy enough but he also doesn't want to drop serious dough on it... grrrrrrrr.

Foxy, this is the worst kind of groom! One that claims that they are the guy and have no preferences/genetic aptitude/understanding of this wedding crap and then when push-comes-to-shove, they actually have opinions!!!! Opinions that the bride was supposed to magically infer even thought the groom insisted multiple times on multiple topics that the *entire* wedding was her domain to plan her special day.

Oh my, nip this in the bud early early!! Even your mini-destination wedding will be a lot of work, and it will be quite frustrating for him to second guess your choices, and express his negative opinion only after you have done a lot of the leg work and made a choice!

In case you are wondering, my guy did this a lot. All his friends told him his job was to say "yes, dear, whatever you want," but he actually had opinions! Which would come out only after I had done a lot of work and narrowed it down the a few options and he would reject them all! Ohhh

.

We had several talks about this and then he was much better.

And, no reason for this planning to all your job. He doesn't need to pick linens or go shop for the bridesmaid dress. But anything you think he might care about or be good at, he should have the courtesy to help with or be in charge of. Like the car, if he is a car guy. Or the menu, if he cares about food.

Just like women, sometimes the groom's idea of the groom's job (ie. doesn't care, wears tux, shows up) interferes with their actual preferences and nature being expressed (does care, wants to choose tux, will make your life difficult if it goes against his aesthetics, etc.)

 

[Octavia]

FoxyBride, even though your FI is so grumpy about wedding planning, is he excited to be married? I ask because my FI gets a little exasperated whenever I ask about wedding stuff (although nothing like what you describe!) but will randomly say things like "I can''t wait to be married to you" or "do we really have to wait until next October to get married?" It actually makes me feel better because I know that he''s not disinterested because he''s indifferent about getting married, but rather because he''s just not a planner and has no idea that tablecloths even come in different colors. I''m trying really hard to make it fun for him, but I''m coming to realize that he''s going to see the planning part as a chore regardless, even though I''m sure he''ll have a great time on the day. However, if I was getting the feeling that he wasn''t into getting married at all, there would be much bigger issues to address.

 

[FoxyBride]

Date: 8/8/2008 8:11:02 PM
Author: tberube

Date: 8/8/2008 6:22:24 PM

Author: FoxyBride

Oh, I forgot to add:



I also asked him could we do an engagement party when my sister visits from Atlanta in October so the two sides of our family could meet and he said NO! I almost cried! (Ok I did cry a little on the inside.) He said he has never heard of anyone having an engagement party and that 1) His family won''t come. 2) If they do come, my family probably won''t like them because they are a little anti-social so 3) It''d be a waste of money.



Even after I offered to just hold it at our house and cook all the food myself, he still said NO!

Okay, now THAT sounds like my FI. I think we had the exact same conversation...anti-social family and all. But he allowed me to TRY and plan it anyway and I learned on my own that he was completely right. Needless to say we did not have an engagement party.

I wish he''d at least give me that. Thing is, my sisters will be in town to help me pick my dress and I know his parents would come so that''s a good 10 people right there = party! But he flatly said no. That''s the part that irks me. It''s like, the nerve! I wasn''t asking because I thought he had a right to refuse having the party at all, I was asking to see if the date was ok. That''s like me asking can we have a rehearsal dinner and he says no, IMO, he can''t just say no, it''s my party too.

 

[bettina]

It''s so great to know my FI isn''t the only guy who hates the planning.

 

[FoxyBride]

Date: 8/8/2008 8:35:51 PM
Author: cara

Date: 8/8/2008 6:16:09 PM

Author: FoxyBride

The main sticking point is probably going to be that, between the two of us, he is WAY more prissy about everything; what hotel we stay at, what rental car we get, what he eats, etc. I do fear that I will pick a location or something and then he''ll be mad because it''s not fancy enough but he also doesn''t want to drop serious dough on it... grrrrrrrr.

Foxy, this is the worst kind of groom! One that claims that they are the guy and have no preferences/genetic aptitude/understanding of this wedding crap and then when push-comes-to-shove, they actually have opinions!!!! Opinions that the bride was supposed to magically infer even thought the groom insisted multiple times on multiple topics that the *entire* wedding was her domain to plan her special day.


Oh my, nip this in the bud early early!! Even your mini-destination wedding will be a lot of work, and it will be quite frustrating for him to second guess your choices, and express his negative opinion only after you have done a lot of the leg work and made a choice!


In case you are wondering, my guy did this a lot. All his friends told him his job was to say ''yes, dear, whatever you want,'' but he actually had opinions! Which would come out only after I had done a lot of work and narrowed it down the a few options and he would reject them all! Ohhh

.


And, no reason for this to all your job. No he doesn''t need to pick linens or go shop for the bridesmaid dress. But anything you think he might care about or be good at, he should have the courtesy to help with or be in charge of. Like the car, if he is a car guy. Or the menu, if he cares about food.


Just like women, sometimes the groom''s idea of the groom''s job (ie. doesn''t care, wears tux, shows up) interferes with their actual preferences and nature being expressed (does care, wants to choose tux, will make your life difficult if it goes against his aesthetics, etc.)

OMG nail on the head there sister. He has opinions, I know, because they seep out at times, but he sooo pretends he doesn''t because of all this macho mumbo jumbo his friends feed him. I don''t need his help, I want it because he is so one of those people who says "I don''t care what restaurant we go to." Then you pick a restaurant, he looks at the menu, has a screw face, you ask what''s wrong, and he says "I don''t want to eat here." OMG JUST SAY WHERE YOU WANT TO GO!!

Talk about frustrating.

 

[FoxyBride]

Date: 8/8/2008 10:02:23 PM
Author: Octavia
FoxyBride, even though your FI is so grumpy about wedding planning, is he excited to be married? I ask because my FI gets a little exasperated whenever I ask about wedding stuff (although nothing like what you describe!) but will randomly say things like ''I can''t wait to be married to you'' or ''do we really have to wait until next October to get married?'' It actually makes me feel better because I know that he''s not disinterested because he''s indifferent about getting married, but rather because he''s just not a planner and has no idea that tablecloths even come in different colors. I''m trying really hard to make it fun for him, but I''m coming to realize that he''s going to see the planning part as a chore regardless, even though I''m sure he''ll have a great time on the day. However, if I was getting the feeling that he wasn''t into getting married at all, there would be much bigger issues to address.

He is stoked to get married, that''s why he just wants to run off and do it, it''s just the whole process of getting there. He made me PROMISE we would not have a long engagement, even the 9 months out is stretching it, but since all our family is coming from out of town, I have to give them as much notice as possible.

I am just hoping at some point he will relax and start to enjoy the process as it is a means to a beautiful end.