Home Grandma suicide scare

[HopeDream]

This post involves family and health, so I hope this is the right place for it.

My Grandmother is a difficult woman.

She's always right, has been feuding with her relatives since she was born, and if you saw an old lady screaming at a pharmacist for something that was actually her fault, well, you've probably seen my grandmother.

She can be kind and generous too (when she feels like it), was an excellent water colour painter (until she gave it up), and loves to tell stories about her life on the farm when she was young (although many of them end up with her as being the victim of some terrible injustice).

When the family invites her over for dinner someone has to be talking to her at all times or she gets insulted, and the conversation must be about her, her health problems, how wrong her doctor is, how the world is falling to ruin, or which of her neighbours just died.

She loves touching stories about animals, and any movie with talking animals ever - She dragged my 22 year old sister to the theatre to see Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

I have tried very hard to love my grandmother, and spend quality time with her.

Last Christmas Grandmother said she had planned to go on a special Christmas senior's tour and was so busy with social commitments that she ABSOLUTELY COULD NOT have us over for Christmas dinner and present exchange any day before her tour, except for my birthday (which happens a few days before christmas), and I had to be there because it was a family thing.

I had told her I had had plans and wanted to spend it with my friends, but because of her trip, I ultimately placated her wishes and went to her Christmas dinner. Everyone was bored, the food was pretty bad, and my grandmother had a fight with my dad (as is traditional at Christmas).

On Christmas eve when my grandmother was supposed to be on her trip, my father went to check on her apartment, to make sure she hadn't left anything on (just in case) and found her hanging out and watching TV - she had made up the whole trip thing.

Her horrible dinner had ruined my birthday for nothing (probably nothing personal, she just likes to make people do what she wants). This is the kind of thing she likes to do for fun, and why most of her family just doesn't speak to her anymore.

My dad has done his best all his life to be a good son and take good care of his mom, but nothing he does is ever good enough, and she ends up making him feel like crap.

Her health has been deteriorating slowly for the past few years and she has diabetic complications which I think is really depressing for her. She's not very good at keeping friends she has made, and her husband, a jovial and merry sort, passed away about 20 years ago, just after he retired (quietly killed himself with drink - liver cancer).

For the last little while she's been going to the emergency ward almost every weekend because something might be wrong with her - they check her out and send her home.

I just heard that last weekend she wrote a suicide note, took a bunch of pills, and then called 911 immediately. EMS took good care of her and now she's in the mental health ward at the hospital and will probably have to go into assisted living. She seems to have enjoyed the attention she been getting.

I feel guilty for not being sad about it, and I don't know what I should do to be a good granddaughter - we really have very very very little in common.
I try hard to connect with her, but she's such a toxic old woman and a "problem child" That it's really hard to make the effort - under other circumstances I definitely wouldn't except that she's Family .

What should I do? What do you do with difficult relatives?

P.S. Can I have Dust for my grandmother?

 

[Skippy123]

Oh I am sorry honey; it sounds like you are doing your best to help her. I am sorry that happened but maybe it is for the best she is in assisted living. I wish I had some advice. Maybe talk to the assisted living home see what they think? It really does sound like you have done all you can. Sending lots of PS dust yours and your granny's way.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 11/1/2009 9:12:52 PM
Author: Skippy123
Oh I am sorry honey; it sounds like you are doing your best to help her. I am sorry that happened but maybe it is for the best she is in assisted living. I wish I had some advice. Maybe talk to the assisted living home see what they think? It really does sound like you have done all you can. Sending lots of PS dust yours and your granny''s way.

Ditto to Skippy. I am sending prayers for your grandma. I lost my Nanny going on 4 years now?? She was very difficult... But I loved her more than anything. I hope you find some help in this situation. HUGS~~~

 

[junebug17]

I think almost every family has that "hard to love" relative. I guess all you can do is remind yourself that she is old, sick, lonely and depressed and maybe that will help you feel some sympathy for her in the face of her unpleasantness. It''s not easy to love some people, sometimes all we can do is try, and you sound like you are certainly doing that! You obviously care about her, even though she is so difficult. It might be for the best that she is in assisted living, she will not be alone and will have some company. Maybe you could visit her on occasion, just check in and chat for a bit. Don''t feel guilty for not feeling extremely close to your grandma, it''s ok to have conflicting feelings about her. She is nearing the end of her life, just have some sympathy for her and do the best you can. Sending big hugs to you, and saying a prayer for your grandma as well!

 

[miraclesrule]

At the risk of re-opening a lifelong wound from being my father's caretaker, let me say that this is normal for you to have these feelings HopeDream.

It is also quite normal for the elderly to get extremely lonely, suicidal, and make up all sorts of whimsical fantasies of trips with other people. My Dad did it too. It was heartbreaking for me. I had to intervene with Adult Protective Services on many occasions because he became isolated and refused to let me in to clean up or "do his meds" as I had done for years. He would make up the most outrageous tales of being out of town...which I knew were untrue.

He would call 911 at least 3 times a week, because he was scared and didn't want to die alone on his couch. I would always go to the hospital to pick him up and bring him home. It's very sad. Very, very sad.

It's so hard, that I have told my daughter jokingly (no offense to folks who have family who suffer from Alzheimer's), but I have told my daughter that she better hope I have Alzheimers' so that I won't know that she isn't taking care of my ass. I have promised her that I won't be like my Dad. But honestly, I might be just like him. I don't know. The truth is that everyone they did know is dead or dying and it's scary and our American culture is not kind to their elders. They really aren't.

I went into therapy for a short time after my Dad's death, and I was appalled that the therapist thought there was somehing wrong with me for even devoting myself to a man that was admittedly screwed up. I broke up with the therapist rather quickly...and therapy in general...because I couldn't imagine NOT caring for someone who had nobody else to care for them. I trust in Karma.

Although you may not be able to be with your Grandma HopeDream, please send her all your love. It's very hard to be old and alone and afraid.

 

[House Cat]

It is very sad that your grandma is so miserable but you aren''t the source/cause of her misery. Knowing that, you can''t be the salve that heals the wound either. Sounds like she goes around projecting her pain on to everyone around her, expecting someone to heal her. Problem is, she never quite got the idea that she was supposed to do some work to heal herself. Probably too late now.

Have you truly accepted this? When you do, you might feel a bit of peace. You can then acknowledge that it is sad that she is in pain, but you MUST acknowledge that from a granddaughter perspective, there is nothing you can do.

I would make an appearance or two, bring flowers or some other token of kindness. The entire time I was there, I would imagine myself floating above her negativity. I would keep a happy face and give her love, but floating above the negativity, I wouldn''t allow her to sap my positive energy. If she got to be too much, I would make a quick and positive exit. Sing song voice, "Ok grandma, well I love you so much! I hope that all is well, but I really have to go and ......." (have exit plan at the ready.) If she has negative comments as you leave, imagine a shield on your back and the comments bouncing off the shield.

I know this may sound froo froo, but it''s the only way I can survive situations such as these. There is no reason you should take on your grandma''s pain. It does no one any good. It doesn''t help her and it only makes you miserable.

 

[Steel]

Hi Hopedream,

**Dust for your Granny**

Life can be really crappy and at times extra extra crappy.

Not everybody copes in the same way and it is rare that people (even relatives) want to constantly hear/support you when all you can see is doom and gloom.

Your Granny may have a chip on her shoulder but maybe she is entitled to it - you & your family do not have to make it better and as Miraclesrule intimated, any therapist will advise against any you forming a ''caretaker'' personality. But in the same vein your Granny is entitled to her upset/bitterness.

Not everybody wants a sugar coating, sometimes when life is bitter you just have to taste it.

 

[Haven]

Dust for your grandmother.

My grandmother died in May of this year after fighting lung cancer for a long time. She tried to kill herself multiple times in the last few years of her life, the most notable attempt being the night before my own wedding. She was in tremendous physical pain, and her illness had ripped away all of her dignity, and she was an extremely proud and stoic woman. (Imagine having your children and grandchildren change your diapers, bathe you, feed you, etc.)

She was difficult and stubborn, but we were extremely close my entire life, regardless. She became much more difficult after the cancer became aggressive, and she made my cry multiple times while I was taking care of her because she had a mean streak in her like no other. I suppose it was easier for me to deal with because I love her very much and my only concern was for her welfare, comfort, and happiness.

It sounds like you two don''t have much of a relationship, so I would just try to have some compassion for her regardless of how difficult she is. She''s alone, unhealthy, and obviously depressed. She needs some compassion right now from her family.

 

[MonkeyPie]

Date: 11/2/2009 5:03:58 PM
Author: Haven
Dust for your grandmother.

My grandmother died in May of this year after fighting lung cancer for a long time. She tried to kill herself multiple times in the last few years of her life, the most notable attempt being the night before my own wedding. She was in tremendous physical pain, and her illness had ripped away all of her dignity, and she was an extremely proud and stoic woman. (Imagine having your children and grandchildren change your diapers, bathe you, feed you, etc.)

She was difficult and stubborn, but we were extremely close my entire life, regardless. She became much more difficult after the cancer became aggressive, and she made my cry multiple times while I was taking care of her because she had a mean streak in her like no other. I suppose it was easier for me to deal with because I love her very much and my only concern was for her welfare, comfort, and happiness.

It sounds like you two don''t have much of a relationship, so I would just try to have some compassion for her regardless of how difficult she is. She''s alone, unhealthy, and obviously depressed. She needs some compassion right now from her family.

This is probably exactly how your grandmother feels, HopeDream. It''s hard losing all your independence and happiness as everyone around you either dies or has to begin taking care of you. Both of my grandmothers outlived my grandfathers, and both were rigidly independent, and adjusted badly to being taken care of. While it''s hard to remain compassionate and care about their wants and needs, that''s exactly what they need the most.

 

[HopeDream]

Skippy123, Kaleigh, Junebug17, Steel, and MonkeyPie Thank you for all your kind words and heartfelt guidance.
I will do my best to have more empathy and hold my grandmother''s higest good in mind everytime I see her.

Miraclesrule and Haven, thanks for sharing your experiences - you are truly loving and courageous women!

Housecat you''re right I should do my best to stay positive and accept the limitations of the type of care I can extend

The response from you folks on PS realy means a lot to me because my family just doesn''t know what to say.

I went to see her with my sister today, and my dad and stepmom came too (on their daily visit). She looked in pretty rough shape. My sister and I brought her a care package with some snacks, a book, a card, and a cute stuffed animal( something to remind her of us). She seemed to perk up a little when we came to visit her, but it seemed like she was sad and just holding herself together.

She will be discharged (hopefully to another facility) the day after tomorrow. I worry about them letting her just go home because she has diabetes and self-administers insulin. Just a little accident with the dosage could be realy bad for her. I have faith in her doctors though, and I''m sure they''ll take apropriate action given her level of risk.

She seems to have mixed feelings about going into a care facility, and I don''t think she fully realizes that it probably won''t be temporary. She talks about going back to her seniors complex and paying the ladies next door to care for her which I think is unrealisit given that they are seniors with their own health challenges.

Luckily we live in Canada, so I don''t think insurance coverage is going to be an issue - they won''t put her out in the cold. However, the base level of care isn''t going to sit well with my grandmother, but she''s also worried about the extra cost of a more premium establishment - ahh the joys of two-tiered healthcare!

My SO is in the health care industry in our area, so he''ll be able to advise on the best places if she''s willing to hold out for a spot on the waiting lists.

I hope that if she doesn''t have to cook or vaccuum anymore she won''t be so down about not being able to do so. I think the community of having other seniors around in closer proximity will help too.(I think my grandmother is somewhat of a shut-in.)

I''m going to see her again tomorrow, and show her some photos from a trip I took - something to take her mind off things.

Thanks again for all your support. I''ll try and do my best for her.

HD