Home Good Friend vs Bad Friend

[Italiahaircolor]

WARNING: Its a long one


My DH and I are in the middle of a complete remodel and are selling off a great deal of our gently used furniture.

I mentioned to my BFF that I was looking to unload our almost brand new couches, which we''ve only had for a year or so because our design concept has changed since we purchased them. Originally, we bought the couches for close to 600.00, and thought about unloading them for 200.00 or so. They are really nice, very cozy pieces which include an extra large couch and an extra large love seat.

My BFF showed interest in buying them, and offered to pay me 100.00 for both. While it was less then what we were hoping for, I said of course she could have them for 100.00 and we arranged a weekend that worked with our remodel schedule for her to come and collect them (which would be this upcoming weekend which also happens to be our large community garage sale).

Because this happens to be the weekend our floors are being installed, it worked out for us to just move the big things out now instead of trying to find a place to store them during the installation, and moving them back in after. So as much as my BFF thinks we did her a favor selling her practically new couches, she is really doing us a favor as well, helping unload things we can longer keep.

We''ve gone back and forth over measurements, and she figured out it wouldnt be possible for her to fit the oversized pieces in a regular truck bed, and would have to rent a U-Haul. Sadly, her husband (who has mental issues) went on a manic spree and spent hundreds of hundreds of dollars on less than savvory things. So immediately following she expressed that she still "wanted" the couches, but wasn''t sure she could afford them. I offered for her to simply take the couches and pay me whenever she could...I didn''t care. I wouldn''t feel right taking her money when she didn''t have any...however, every dollar I make selling my things, is a dollar I get to put back into my home....and when you''re talking a full remodel, every dollar helps!

With the weekend rapidly approaching, I called her to ask if...since she was getting a U-Hual...she wanted to take some doors, and other knick knack things she liked as well. But, when I didn''t hear from her, I felt like she was avoiding me. Then this evening I get a text message saying that she cannot get a U-Haul for a good price, and that I should go ahead and just sell the couches to someone else....

First of all, I can understand that she was probably suffering let down because she wanted the couches and couldn''t afford to get them....but I wanted her to come to me, so as her BFF, we could figure something out. I told her that it was okay, and not to worry, and I thanked her for letting me know. She then asked how my day was (mind you this is all text messages). I told her we are busy with the remodel on top of our real jobs....and she responded "Well, thats life...add a couple of kids, and it would be even harder".

. I told her she was right, but it''ll be worth it in the end.

I then went to talk to my DH about the situation and convinced him to just give her the couches for free...no easy feat. I researched a few hauling companies, and found one for a rate of $166.00 for 3 days with mileage included. I told her I would even chip in to help with the money issue because I know she wants the couches and I want her to get what she wants before selling them to a stranger, obviously.

And nothing. She hasnt texted me back, or called me. Silence.

I don''t know what to do! I want to be a good friend, and I am willing to just give her the couches--no muss no fuss--but she needs to tell me. However, I cannot sit in limbo twiddling my thumbs as the days tick by. I could easily sell the couches, and make a lil'' money too. But I don''t want to forge ahead and then have her call last minute to say "oh, hey, yeah....we''re coming for the couches" and in the mean time I''ve sold them or promised them to someone else.

Oh, and before anyone say "She will probably feel awkward about the situation..." this girl and I have been friends for 18 years, and believe me...this isn''t our brokest broke or lowest low by any means...we''ve helped each other out of worse situations ten fold!!!

So, honestly ladies...whats a friend to do? I don''t want to ruin my friendship over stupid furniture....

 

[somethingshiny]

I''m not sure what to do, but it sounds like it may be a "husband issue". You mentioned that he has issues to begin with, and for some reason, it sounds like she''s being manipulated by someone. If you have been friends for so long, and money is not an issue, SOMETHING else is. I''d bet it''s her husband. Maybe he doesn''t want to accept "charity" from you, maybe he doesn''t like the furniture, maybe he doesn''t like her making decisions without him. Does any of that sound possible?? IF yes, bringing home the couches may cause even more problems. I understand she''s not returning your calls, but I bet this woman REALLY needs a friend to talk to.

Good Luck!

 

[asscherisme]

I agree, I would bet anything its the husband. I don''t have advice other than try and give her the benefit of the doubt that she is being pulled by him and she is in the middle of a tough situation that is within her marriage. It sounds like she needs a friend and please don''t consider letting couches ruin the friendship. I would almost ask her if she wants to be off the hook, no hard feelings and then really try and follow through with no hard feelings and understand that being in a bad marriage or married to someone with mental issue is all consuming.

You sound like a great friend and she sounds like she needs it right now.

 

[Kaleigh]

You are a being a great friend, your post shows that. You have such empathy for her, and her situation. Clearly this must be something with her husband.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Thank you Shiny Kaleigh and Asscher for taking your time to weigh in on my friendly issue.

Her husband does have sever mental problems. When he is on his best behavior, hes a very nice man and easy to get along with. But when he "goes off"...he can be very distructive. Without dragging him thru the mud, lets just say, there isn''t one issue he hasn''t dealt with. My friend is a really wonderful person...very forgiving, and since they have a child together--has done her best to keep her family afloat thru many, many trials and tribulations. Needless to say, their marriage has not been an easy one. They actually divorced in 2005 and remarried in 2006. My friend (who is my age; 25) is one of those rare people who had a child young, married young, and still pushed on with her education and is now obtaining her masters degree.

Currently, they live with his parents in a small town in central Illinois. They do this for the free child care, and also to keep costs low since up until this point her husband has had a string of low paying local jobs...like cleaning the meat counter at the grocery store, or bussing tables at a country club. Recently (within the last year) he was hired on at a large factory and works 2nd shift. My BFF has a great job, working first shift, for the same large well known company. She works in the accounting department.

My friend has gone without many times because of the decisions she made early in her 20''s. Her number one priority is always her daughter, and her daughters happiness. She spent all of her money last year flipping out this beautiful princess room for her little girl. My BFF makes sure her daughter is always dressed in nice clothing, has a good haircut, prepared for school, or whatever. So when she made noise about wanting the couches, I of course wanted to do anything in power to make sure she was able to have them. I know she was excited about getting them, and looking forward to having nice furniture in their basement sitting room. So when her husband disappeared a few weeks ago and took a substainal ammount of money with him that he quickly blew thru, I did my best to come up with a solution so that SHE wouldn''t have to sacrafice anymore because of HIS selfish decisions.

He husband isn''t the type to get upity over the style of the couches or anything like that. He''s just very difficult to be around when he gets like this. He is the type that will put himself first, before anyone else. And will cut his nose off to spite his face given the chance. He even told her that I called him a "loser" and hurt his feelings and self esteem...which was untrue. I wish I could disclose the things he''s done to better share with you the type of person he is when he becomes manic....but out of respect for her and her marriage, I will not be doing that

She sent me a text this morning, saying to "just please sell the couches to someone else....we don''t have the money for them"...and my heart is broken, because I want her to have them. My DH suggested I just sell them...and give her an example she can touch that shows her how much she gives up when it comes to her happiness for him....but there is the part of me who looks at my wedding gift, and shower gift, and all our pictures and thinks she''s done so much for me when she didn''t have to, I should do just as much for her. But she makes it hard....

What do I do?????

 

[Peepa]

Date: 9/10/2008 11:15:20 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Thank you Shiny Kaleigh and Asscher for taking your time to weigh in on my friendly issue.

Her husband does have sever mental problems. When he is on his best behavior, hes a very nice man and easy to get along with. But when he ''goes off''...he can be very distructive. Without dragging him thru the mud, lets just say, there isn''t one issue he hasn''t dealt with. My friend is a really wonderful person...very forgiving, and since they have a child together--has done her best to keep her family afloat thru many, many trials and tribulations. Needless to say, their marriage has not been an easy one. They actually divorced in 2005 and remarried in 2006. My friend (who is my age; 25) is one of those rare people who had a child young, married young, and still pushed on with her education and is now obtaining her masters degree.

Currently, they live with his parents in a small town in central Illinois. They do this for the free child care, and also to keep costs low since up until this point her husband has had a string of low paying local jobs...like cleaning the meat counter at the grocery store, or bussing tables at a country club. Recently (within the last year) he was hired on at a large factory and works 2nd shift. My BFF has a great job, working first shift, for the same large well known company. She works in the accounting department.

My friend has gone without many times because of the decisions she made early in her 20''s. Her number one priority is always her daughter, and her daughters happiness. She spent all of her money last year flipping out this beautiful princess room for her little girl. My BFF makes sure her daughter is always dressed in nice clothing, has a good haircut, prepared for school, or whatever. So when she made noise about wanting the couches, I of course wanted to do anything in power to make sure she was able to have them. I know she was excited about getting them, and looking forward to having nice furniture in their basement sitting room. So when her husband disappeared a few weeks ago and took a substainal ammount of money with him that he quickly blew thru, I did my best to come up with a solution so that SHE wouldn''t have to sacrafice anymore because of HIS selfish decisions.

He husband isn''t the type to get upity over the style of the couches or anything like that. He''s just very difficult to be around when he gets like this. He is the type that will put himself first, before anyone else. And will cut his nose off to spite his face given the chance. He even told her that I called him a ''loser'' and hurt his feelings and self esteem...which was untrue. I wish I could disclose the things he''s done to better share with you the type of person he is when he becomes manic....but out of respect for her and her marriage, I will not be doing that

She sent me a text this morning, saying to ''just please sell the couches to someone else....we don''t have the money for them''...and my heart is broken, because I want her to have them. My DH suggested I just sell them...and give her an example she can touch that shows her how much she gives up when it comes to her happiness for him....but there is the part of me who looks at my wedding gift, and shower gift, and all our pictures and thinks she''s done so much for me when she didn''t have to, I should do just as much for her. But she makes it hard....

What do I do?????

Wow, at 25 you are a very mature friend. At this point, I say just sell them to someone else and move forward. I''m sure your friend will come to talk to you sooner or later about what is going on and then you can be her shoulder to lean on. Good luck.

 

[decodelighted]

You''re trying very hard to be a good friend ... but somehow this turned from a mutually beneficial transaction she could feel good about to charity ... which she has realized that she would feel badly about -- and would be reminded of that every time she went downstairs and saw the couches.

Your intentions were FAB and its clear you want her to have them! But I think you should respect *her* revised wishes & sell/give the couches to someone else.

You''d be giving them out of love ... but she''d see humiliation and pain all over them, whether its logical or not.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 9/10/2008 1:04:24 PM
Author: Peepa
Wow, at 25 you are a very mature friend. At this point, I say just sell them to someone else and move forward. I''m sure your friend will come to talk to you sooner or later about what is going on and then you can be her shoulder to lean on. Good luck.

Yep, just sell the couches to another person and move forward. Maybe your friend even simply changed her mind and decided she doesn''t want the couches and doesn''t know how to tell you that?

 

[Girlrocks]

Date: 9/10/2008 1:27:41 PM
Author: decodelighted
You''re trying very hard to be a good friend ... but somehow this turned from a mutually beneficial transaction she could feel good about to charity ... which she has realized that she would feel badly about -- and would be reminded of that every time she went downstairs and saw the couches.

Your intentions were FAB and its clear you want her to have them! But I think you should respect *her* revised wishes & sell/give the couches to someone else.

You''d be giving them out of love ... but she''d see humiliation and pain all over them, whether its logical or not.

Wow Deco...you took the words right out of my mouth!

At this point, best just sell them to someone else and not mention it any further. I''m sure she would feel that you were pitying her, even though clearly that is NOT your intention. You are a generous and loving friend who is just trying to help her out, but it sounds like she is embarrassed by her current situation.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

While I don't think she would look at it as charity...I do think I need to give up.

My BFF have been close for so many years, I dont think either of us view anything we do for each other as charity. I think it's more along the lines of her husband being her husband and pitching a fit because collecting the couches would mean giving up a weekend to do something nice for her, and not doing what he wants.

He pulls this kind of thing a lot. He makes everything sound like a good idea until it's time to actually act on it, and then all of a sudden he changes his mind and becomes selfish....

Example....

Three or four weekends ago was their 5 year anniversary (since they overlook the time they spent seperated). My DH and I were hosting a garage sale, and my BFF told me she wanted to come help us. Knowing it was their anniversary, we didn't want her coming without him---and offered to take them out for a big celebration (because again, they were tight on money). I spent the week planning a great evening, and having two very cute coffee mugs made up for them. We made plans for them to arrive Saturday morning, so they could help us for a bit--but the main hub of the day could be spent celebrating their 5 year. Saturday morning came and went, and finally my BFF called to say SHE was coming but her husband wasn't. Apparently, he went out partying the night before and suddenly didn't see it worth his time to wake up and come visit her family or us. We still took my BFF for a great night...but she was clearly upset. Her husband never even called her, and ended up--as she found out later--going on an all weekend party binge with his cousin.

So...my point is...it seems like he may be the root..and while I have very strong "feelings" when it comes to him...I don't want to push her or make her feel like I pitty her...because I do not pitty her, I admire her, and love her, and have her very best intentions at heart. Nothing more/Nothing less.

So, once again, thank you ladies for your smart words and kind advice...I will be putting your suggestions to good use in short order!

 

[oobiecoo]

I also think you should just move on and sell the couches to someone else. I''m so sorry your friend''s husband acts this way.

You said they live with HIS parents, right? Do they approve of his behavior? I assume he is around 25 also... if I were living with my parents at 25 and acting the way he did then my parents would do SOMETHING. Kick me out and offer to let my hubby and kids stay... say "go to college or leave"... or SOMETHING. A 25 year old is an adult but if he isn''t acting like one then his parents should step in (Britney Spears style). Just my opinion...

 

[MMMD]

You are such a good friend. I have a friend who is in the same situation as you. Her BFF is married to a man who is manic depressive and her life is very, very hard. But until, or if, your BFF makes the decision to leave him and stay away there isn''t much you can do for her but listen when she needs to talk. I know you want to repay your friend for her kindness over the years and it would mean a great deal for you to know that your friend is enjoying the couches. Sadly, this isn''t going to happen in this case. Go ahead and sell the couches and put the money to good use.

 

[Lorelei]

That is a very kind and thoughtful thing you tried to do for your friend Italia, but I also say move on with the couches, as you could inadvertently cause her more grief by trying to convince her to have them by the sound of it.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Just an update...

BFF texted this morning, saying she feels horrible about the couches....I just told her to please not worry about it, and that I had just wanted her to have them, but everything will work out in the end.

I hate thinking, even for a moment, I made her feel badly...and I am not going to ever mention it again unless she does.

Thank you Oobie, MMMD, and Lorelei ...I was just trying to do the right thing, and got a bit caught up

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 9/12/2008 2:50:47 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Just an update...

BFF texted this morning, saying she feels horrible about the couches....I just told her to please not worry about it, and that I had just wanted her to have them, but everything will work out in the end.

I hate thinking, even for a moment, I made her feel badly...and I am not going to ever mention it again unless she does.

Thank you Oobie, MMMD, and Lorelei ...I was just trying to do the right thing, and got a bit caught up

Italia, don''t feel bad! You tried to do a very kind thing out of love for your friend and wanting to give her something nice and make her happy! Unfortunately it would appear there is more to her life which affects if she can even accept gifts from her good friend

...I hope things work out for her, but whatever happens she is very lucky to have you on her side!