Wedding Giving back the ring?

[mia1181]

Wow I am enjoying reading all of the assumptions made here that could be applied to my relationship and soon-to-be marriage, since I have been a ring-giver-backer on a few occasions! And yes I did throw it at him once, but it bounced off of a glass table and we both dove to floor to recover it and inspect it for damage- won''t do that again!

Now, that said... We have never broken up once in 9 years not even for a split second. I am pretty sure our relationship has a better chance than most people. Sure, we fight, and I can get a bit dramatic when I am really frustrated. But I think our fights are extremely productive. There is always a resolution. We rarely ever fight over the same thing twice. When I have given the ring back, it''s not like this huge ultamatum or breakup. In fact, he usually puts it right back on my finger. It''s just that in the heat of the moment want to show him how I am feeling. It makes me feel better to express myself. Again, I don''t take it off to mean "I want to break up" or "if you don''t do what I say I am going to leave you." It just means "look, I''m not particularly happy at the moment and I don''t want to wear your ring until this is resolved."

It may seem childish to you, but I think most people do not have disgreements in "the best possible way" 100% of the time. Sorry, I''m very happy to admit I am human and sometimes I get angry. Look, in an argument there are hundreds of things you can do "wrong", I''m okay with my mistake being taking a ring off of my finger every know and then. I don''t do a lot of other things that I see people do like get physical, call names, belittle each other.

In fact, this reminds me of my boss who used to brag to me about how she and her husband never fought and how she felt arguing was childish. They are getting a divorce now. Not saying that if you do argue you won''t get a divorce, but not arguing doesn''t exactly guarentee your marriage will last either.

Like someone said earlier... people are different and what works for some may/may not work for others.

 

[Haven]

I was engaged once before, when I was young and too dumb to realize that the relationship was not right for me.
I threw the ring at my ex twice during our two year engagement. In retrospect, that was a manifestation of how I felt. The relationship did not fit. I wanted that ring off and I was too chicken to say it so I threw it at him during both of the bad fights that we had during our engagement. It was childish, and I'm not proud that I did it. In fact, I only had the courage to leave him when he picked a third and final bad fight with me, and I took the chance to run.

Since being engaged to my husband, I have never even thought about taking off my engagement ring or purposely leaving it off when I left the house. For us, and for me, that would be a final gesture, a seal to the end of our relationship. I'm not saying this action means the same thing to every couple, but for ME, in MY happy marriage and relationship, taking off my ring and throwing it at my husband is unfathomable.

I still feel badly for throwing it at my ex. We are friends now, it's been over six years since we broke up, and I still feel awful for doing it. It was mean-spirited, hurtful, and passive aggressive in a most passive way.

ETA:
I'm surprised that people are getting so defensive. You know your marriage, you do not have to prove its strength to us. People can think that some behavior is childish, and you can disagree. I think the discussion is a natural response to the OP.

And I can't believe it when I hear couples call each other horrible names. Hubby and I fight, yes, but we fight fair. He has never called me a bad name, and I don't know how I'd react if he did. In fact, I have NEVER called ANYONE F**kface, let alone someone I love. I can't believe that! Really, it's unbelievable. Hubby studies with a guy who tells his wife he's going to "knock her block off" when they're fighting. It's shocking.

 

[kittybean]

I wouldn't consider giving the ring back until I was 100% sure it was the end for us--as in, we aren't getting married, we are no longer together, and I might never see him again. Even though it's tempting to take it off when I'm angry, I know that would irreparably hurt my fiance. He invested so much of his time, love, and hard-earned money into this symbol of our commitment, and I don't think he could forgive me if I gave it back on a whim or in a moment of anger.

That said, I have to confess that I purposely left it off for a few hours when I was fuming at him, but he will never know about it. Somehow, leaving the ring in its box for a couple hours gave me some much-needed perspective and reminded me of how incredibly important my fiance is to me. (I was actually studying for the bar at that time, Alli--I can definitely empathize with you on the bar-inspired insanity. I'm crossing my fingers that we both pass with flying colors!)

As another poster said, the only time I would actually throw the ring at him would be if I caught him cheating or doing something equally horrible in the face of our commitment. I would probably then pick it up, pry his ring off his finger, and sell them both. We both know and agree that unfaithfulness = the relationship is over for good.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Just wanted to clarify my post was not intended to be about anyone here. I am just saying WE don''t do that..and even if I would consider doing something like that when I got angry at FI I know it would NOT fly with him. People are human and get angry and respond in different ways..but we also judge our partners and with mine that would create a huge rift. Other people..may not take it as seriously as he does or may respond just in a different way.

 

[mia1181]

Date: 9/3/2008 9:09:53 PM
Author: SarahLovesJS
Just wanted to clarify my post was not intended to be about anyone here. I am just saying WE don''t do that..and even if I would consider doing something like that when I got angry at FI I know it would NOT fly with him. People are human and get angry and respond in different ways..but we also judge our partners and with mine that would create a huge rift. Other people..may not take it as seriously as he does or may respond just in a different way.

Sarah- I completely agree with you. If my FI would be hurt by my taking off my ring I would never do it, end of story. Likewise if there was a risk that taking off my ring would actually cause him to think I wanted to break up or would cause him to break up with me I just wouldn''t do it. Like you said, I know how he will respond and I know what is crossing the line.

 

[sna77]

If DW threw her ring at me, I''d take it and sell it as fast as I could and buy a used Accord. I would then present the car to her as a sign of my true love and my willingness to show foregiveness. Perhaps I would print a picture of the ring and glue it to the instrument cluster, so she couldnt tell how fast she was going, yet constantly saw her old ring. I would then engage in an all night love making session while watching ESPN and drinking beers.















sorry, too much wine and DW is out of town for work. I''m going loopy here.

 

[mia1181]

Date: 9/3/2008 9:22:35 PM
Author: sna77
If DW threw her ring at me, I''d take it and sell it as fast as I could and buy a used Accord. I would then present the car to her as a sign of my true love and my willingness to show foregiveness. Perhaps I would print a picture of the ring and glue it to the instrument cluster, so she couldnt tell how fast she was going, yet constantly saw her old ring. I would then engage in an all night love making session while watching ESPN and drinking beers.















sorry, too much wine and DW is out of town for work. I''m going loopy here.

Ha ha this mad me laugh... ultimate revenge!

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 9/3/2008 9:21:16 PM
Author: mia1181

Date: 9/3/2008 9:09:53 PM

Author: SarahLovesJS

Just wanted to clarify my post was not intended to be about anyone here. I am just saying WE don''t do that..and even if I would consider doing something like that when I got angry at FI I know it would NOT fly with him. People are human and get angry and respond in different ways..but we also judge our partners and with mine that would create a huge rift. Other people..may not take it as seriously as he does or may respond just in a different way.

Sarah- I completely agree with you. If my FI would be hurt by my taking off my ring I would never do it, end of story. Likewise if there was a risk that taking off my ring would actually cause him to think I wanted to break up or would cause him to break up with me I just wouldn''t do it. Like you said, I know how he will respond and I know what is crossing the line.

Yay I am glad I came through clearly!

And I am also not saying I am perfect..I may not have done this..but the reason I know NOT to do this..is once I told FI we needed to "really think about things before we actually got married if that was how he felt" because I jumped on what I thought was a different idea about parenting (I was in a really bad mood and jumping over everything)..and he was so hurt and shaken he cried about it. He doesn''t cry that often and always wants to work out any differences we may have..so I knew using our relationship/commitment as a way to get something across to him/as collateral was waaaay too far and ridiculously painful. Hence..we don''t do that. Haha. He never did..but I won''t! I felt so immature and horrible.

 

[Laila619]

Date: 9/3/2008 8:45:33 PM
Author: Haven
I was engaged once before, when I was young and too dumb to realize that the relationship was not right for me.

I threw the ring at my ex twice during our two year engagement. In retrospect, that was a manifestation of how I felt. The relationship did not fit. I wanted that ring off and I was too chicken to say it so I threw it at him during both of the bad fights that we had during our engagement. It was childish, and I''m not proud that I did it. In fact, I only had the courage to leave him when he picked a third and final bad fight with me, and I took the chance to run.


Since being engaged to my husband, I have never even thought about taking off my engagement ring or purposely leaving it off when I left the house. For us, and for me, that would be a final gesture, a seal to the end of our relationship. I''m not saying this action means the same thing to every couple, but for ME, in MY happy marriage and relationship, taking off my ring and throwing it at my husband is unfathomable.

I could have written this post! I was engaged once before but did not go through with it (thankfully!). I took the ring off several times in anger. With my current fiance, I have never once felt the urge. We are so well-matched we have never even had a fight in 19 months.

 

[kellybelly]

i'll chime in--

sometimes when i'm having a rough day, when i feel like wedding planning is swallowing me whole, when FI gets on my last nerve, or when i feel like i have lost myself in all the madness, i take off my ring. i take it off, set it on my mousepad, and look at it. then i look at my left hand without it. sometimes i need to remind myself that i'm still ME and not just a person wearing a ring and planning a wedding. i'm sure some or most of you can relate. and then, after a minute or ten, i put it back on because i want to.

for me, this is such a stressful and un-real time and the ring can be like a big sparkling reminder of "you have to order your invitations" or "don't forget to call the florist!" and some days it's more than i can handle. it's usually like a tiny star on my hand, but there has been more than one occasion when it's felt like an anvil! ha ha ha

 

[doodle]

interesting question. i think it depends on the individual couple and can''t really be a general "oh that''s horrible" kind of thing. case in point--i''ve taken my ring off before following an argument with my FI. i didn''t give it back or throw it at him or anything, but i removed it while i was fuming. i left it sitting on the nightstand for a while, then went and took a shower, and when i came back, i was mellow again and put it back on. he asked me why i''d left it sitting there for so long and i explained to him that, when angry at him, it''s hard for me to remove myself from the situation and think about things fairly when i have a big honkin'' reminder of him (and therefore also why i''m angry, haha) sitting on my finger, so it helps me clear my head if i clear my finger for a moment, too. he was completely fine with it and understood my "logic" so it''s never been an issue.

i was also engaged once before when i was really young, and i can''t tell you how many times i threw that sucker! throwing something at someone IS disrespectful, and in any other case, i''d feel bad about it, but my ex was abusive, so i''m guilt-free where he''s concerned. with my FI now, though, i''d never throw ANYTHING at him in anger, but particularly my ring--it''s too pretty!

 

[vita*dolce]

Date: 9/3/2008 7:30:27 PM
Author: thing2of2
Hell no! He''d have to pry it off my finger-no way would I just throw it at him!

LOL!! amen, sister.

 

[diamondfan]

We are all capable of doing impulsive things when we are angry. I do try to think beyond the actual time of my anger and of the consequences, but that is not easy when you are really pissed off.

It is not a mature way to handle a fight, but I am certain it happens a lot and people who have a strong relationship can move on from it. If it happens a lot that is not a good thing, but everyone has lost their cool in life and done things they are not proud of or wish they could take back.

 

[somehowcollide]

I guess I can chime in and add my own two cents. I think that a lot of this "giving back the ring" business has to do with exactly how it is done. As far as throwing the ring at FI, man, I find that very disrespectful. I can''t seem to justify by this by any means, as it is teeters on the verge of abuse. You are actually throwing a physical object at someone. I hope no one takes this personally, or finds it offensive, but throwing anything at FI whether it be a ring or a punch, would be unacceptable in our relationship.

However, a previous poster did make a valid point. There are times when you really may not want to wear the ring! When you are just so unhappy and upset that you need to shed yourself of any negativity. There have been times, albeit very few, where I have been unhappy and have left my ring in my jewelry box for the day. FI is aware of this and he knows that it is my way of passively giving him the message that I am very upset. I am not saying it is over, or giving him any sort of ultimatum, I am just dealing with it in my own way.

Finally, I disagree with the notion that giving the ring back could be a serious sign that the relationship is doomed. If it is done in a truly genuine way, no ploys or games, a young woman can be totally justified in handing her fiance the engagement ring back with respect and care. If she says, ''I need some time to think'' or ''I am just not ready yet'' this may actually be a very positive period of introspection which could lead to a strengthened relationship if they do decide to reconcile.

Ultimately, I think that "giving back the ring," like any other part of a relationship, should be done with civility and respect for oneself and the other person. If there are ulterior motives, then yes, perhaps there are some serious issues.

 

[jewelerman]

If my wife or girl friend threw any jewelry back in my face i would take the stone and make it into a ring for me...probably came from one of my pieces to begin with anyway.For me,a huge insult.

 

[eaglesgal]

I gave my engagement ring back twice (to the same man). The first time, he wouldn''t take it. The second (and final time), I left it in his apartment without his knowledge. Needless to say, we did not get married.

 

[pjean]

Date: 9/3/2008 4:16:15 PM
Author: galvana
I would die if my fiance ever called me a see you next tuesday

This is my new favourite euphemism. (And I agree - that''s on my "never ever say this to me" list.)