Wedding Giving back the ring?

[alli_esq]

Who here has done it? Even temporarily?

I''m surprised by how many of my married or engaged friends have used this tactic...

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

If I were to give back the ring, FI would take it and not give it back and I wouldn''t want it back. We don''t play those games. Ultimatums are scary things girls. You had better be prepared for both outcomes if you put an ultimatum on the table.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 9/3/2008 2:05:52 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
If I were to give back the ring, FI would take it and not give it back and I wouldn''t want it back. We don''t play those games. Ultimatums are scary things girls. You had better be prepared for both outcomes if you put an ultimatum on the table.

ditto ditto ditto. if a girl intends to marry someone they should NOT give the ring back under the assumption that she''ll get it back eventually. the ring should only be given back when a decision to break up the relationship has been finalized and/or when both people agree that they are no longer engaged. now, if you are unhappy and want to end the relationship, obviously back it goes. but to give it back in hopes that someone would ''shape up'' so to speak is ridiculous.

it''s not just some pawn or token. to use it as a scare tactic is extremely immature (i hate that word but i''ll use it here!). a commitment to marry someone should never be used as leverage in getting what you want!

 

[neatfreak]

Never...I think it''s pretty juvenile behavior personally. I wouldn''t do it unless I really was giving it back for good.

 

[jewelerman]

Date: 9/3/2008 2:14:16 PM
Author: mimzy

Date: 9/3/2008 2:05:52 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
If I were to give back the ring, FI would take it and not give it back and I wouldn''t want it back. We don''t play those games. Ultimatums are scary things girls. You had better be prepared for both outcomes if you put an ultimatum on the table.

ditto ditto ditto. if a girl intends to marry someone they should NOT give the ring back under the assumption that she''ll get it back eventually. the ring should only be given back when a decision to break up the relationship has been finalized and/or when both people agree that they are no longer engaged. now, if you are unhappy and want to end the relationship, obviously back it goes. but to give it back in hopes that someone would ''shape up'' so to speak is ridiculous.

it''s not just some pawn or token. to use it as a scare tactic is extremely immature (i hate that word but i''ll use it here!). a commitment to marry someone should never be used as leverage in getting what you want!

I agree...if the ring is given back ...it should be in the final break up...if he breaks up then the ring is hers unless its a family heirloom...if she breaks up it goes to him...its proper ettiquiet(sp) and in some states...the law because the ring exchange is viewed as a contract that has been entered into by two people.

 

[marchswallowbird]

Alli, it will be interesting to see how many of your married friends will stay married....''nuff said.

 

[february2003bride]

I''ve never done that but my best friend has several times. She''s thrown her engagment ring at her DH before they were married and has thrown both her e-ring and wedding band and screamed that she wanted a divorce at least 3 times that I know if since they got married 10 months ago.

 

[galvana]

oh my god, at first i didn''t know what you meant by "giving back the ring"?
oh my god i would NEVER give back the ring, this puppy is all mine! if i ever did that in a fight that would be the end.
my fiance would not forgive me for that and i dont blame him, that is not cool at all - just my opinion

 

[joflier]

I know a friend of a friend who flushed her ring down the toilet.

There went a pretty nice 1/2ct pear! Needless to say, they are since divorced. Lesson to be learned, be careful what you do in anger.

 

[vita*dolce]

a friend of mine threw hers back at her fiancee when she caught him cheating on her. she took him back, but he kept the ring.

i wouldn''t do it. if he did something so bad that i couldn''t forgive it, throwing a ring at him would probably be the last thing on my mind.

 

[alli_esq]

Obviously, I don''t agree with this type of behavior. But, if no one else is going to admit it, I might as well (I''m certain I''m not the only one here to have done this)!

While I was studying for the bar exam, about 6 weeks after we got engaged, I was going absolutely insane and I got into a fight with FI (I completely overreacted, which tends to happen when I am under great amounts of stress and have not slept), and I left the apartment for a while and left my ring there.

Huge mistake. Obviously! Hurt him way more than I would ever want to, and I regret that more than most anything I''ve done in the heat of anger. But when I confessed to a friend of mine, she admitted that she had done something similar, and told me of others we know who did it too.

It''s interesting the responses that people give here. I mean, yeah, clearly this is BAD behavior! No one disputes that. But it''s incredible to me how people on this site are so willing to write others'' marriages off based on a singular act done while angry! I guess I''ll get flamed and told that this is a subconscious effort to leave a man who isn''t a good match for me. Maybe you''re right, but I think if a person is happy 98% of the time she''s in a relationship, she''s doing pretty well

I''m sorry, but I simply do not believe that any relationship is perfect ALL of the time EVERY day, and in my mind, a marriage is all about learning how to deal with the problems you will INEVITABLY encounter during a lifetime. I did a TERRIBLE coping job in these circumstances, and I kick myself every time I think of it, but I certainly learned from it. And although I''m sure my FI is still hurt that I did it, and we have discussed it plenty, he has been able to move on.

I guess I shouldn''t be surprised--many are willing to write off others'' relationships here too...I read this site on an almost daily basis and nearly everyday, there is someone giving advice to a sad woman to leave her boyfriend or fiance...aren''t couples allowed to have problems and work through them?

Heh, sorry, I''m working at a matrimonial law office...guess I am a little sensitive to how easily couples give up on their marriages.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I didn''t write off anyones marriage and I was speaking from experience about the whole ultimatum thing.

 

[alli_esq]

No, Hudson Hawk, I wasn''t referring to you. I completely agree with your post.

Sorry, I didn''t mean to come off as angry.

 

[bootsiekin]

With my ex, I had given it back several times, yes, even thrown it at him! Then two years later I gave it back to him once and for all. I''ve never even felt a slight impulse to do that now, I guess at least for me giving it back the previous times was a sign it just wasnt going to work out - and it didnt. Though I hope that isnt the case for the person who has only been married 10 months!

 

[littlelysser]

I''ve never done it... A family member of mine did, and well, they are divorced now.

Allie - of course, I wasn''t studying for the bar when I was dating DH...the bar makes people do scarrrrrrrrry things!!!

 

[marchswallowbird]

Alli, my reply was based on an ssumption that this behavior is not a one-time deal. Perhaps it is. But to me it seems indicative of deeper-set behaviors that can damage trust, hurt others deeply, and over time, erode a marriage. Of course couples will get angry and go through rough times. It is all in how you deal with it. Hopefully most couples WILL be able to work through their issues and move on, as you and your fiancee have done. But not everyone learns from their mistakes.

 

[alli_esq]

Date: 9/3/2008 3:59:52 PM
Author: littlelysser
I''ve never done it... A family member of mine did, and well, they are divorced now.

Allie - of course, I wasn''t studying for the bar when I was dating DH...the bar makes people do scarrrrrrrrry things!!!

omg, seriously, just pray for me that I don''t have to take it again! (I know DF is!!!)

 

[alli_esq]

Date: 9/3/2008 4:00:14 PM
Author: marchswallowbird
Alli, my reply was based on an ssumption that this behavior is not a one-time deal. Perhaps it is. But to me it seems indicative of deeper-set behaviors that can damage trust, hurt others deeply, and over time, erode a marriage. Of course couples will get angry and go through rough times. It is all in how you deal with it. Hopefully most couples WILL be able to work through their issues and move on, as you and your fiancee have done. But not everyone learns from their mistakes.

I hear ya, I do. Hey, my parents used to fight like dogs when we were kids, but they''ve stayed married for over 40 years...and although they''ve had their fair share of upset, they are both happy they''ve stuck with it. I''m sure I learned a lot of my bad fighting behavior from them, and I''m trying to break myself. But man, it''s hard to teach an old dog new tricks...nonetheless, I don''t think I''m un-marriable, even though I don''t always act the way I know I should have in retrospect.

 

[galvana]

I have learned that there are some things that are "ok" and tolerable for some people and not for others. It really depends on the person and situation at hand.
I find this site every helpful to me and although sometimes I dont agree with all the posts, I welcome everyone''s input and different views on things. I find it so interesting how some things are "ok" to some and not others.
One example that comes to mind (not from PS) is my soon to be sister in law - her fiance calls her F***Face. That is honest to god his nickname for her.
and she responds to it.
Now many of us (like me) would NEVER allow our fiance''s to curse at us like this and would be horrified - but to her, its ok and just what he calls her.
Another example is fighting with your fiance and using bad curse words. I would die if my fiance ever called me a see you next tuesday, but other couples use it frequently when fighting and its not a big deal
I hope the point of my example makes sense? maybe not - my point is that everyone has a different tolerance level or level which is acceptable and which is not.

In my situation, giving the ring back in a fight would be HUGE to my fiance and he would never forgive me, that is just a line not to cross, i just know it - but to others - you can get past it and live happily together after it.

did that make any sense??????? LOL

 

[trillionaire]

FF made it very clear to me that any kind of break-up threat while fighting was OFF LIMITS. He said that growing up, he watched his mother threaten his father with divorce out of anger a few times, and that he (FF) would never tolerate that. It is something that you don''t do or say if you don''t mean it. I am not the type to do that sort of thing anyway, but he was very clear on his ground rules about it, which I have always respected. I think that includes the throwing of rings.

 

[bee*]

I''ve never given it back to D and wouldn''t. I agree with Hudson on that one.

 

[Hera]

I''m sure I have at one time thrown my engagement ring when I was first engaged or even married. It was a long time ago and I was really young and I had an obvious flair for the dramatics back then. Now, though, I''m just married and boring

I agree with you that there''s always a lot of "get out of the relationship" advice here. It seems one bad incident and a huge wave of them get advised. I''m a firm believer in working things out and that no relationship can be 100% happy all of the time. It''s how you work those thing out that constitute how the relationship will thrive.

 

[cara]

Well, be fair. 'Get out of the relationship' advice is often on target! Lots of people stay in relationships that they shouldn't or behave immaturely or stay with people whom need to grow up or are a bad match for them for other reasons. Sometimes the advice is hasty or other things besides the incident at hand need to be considered, but many times it is given because you can't count on another person to mature or change, you have to evaluate them as is.

I can totally see some couples giving back rings, throwing rings back, and that is not my kind of drama. Yes some people make relationships work with lots of drama, but it is unhealthy IMO. I would argue that there are only a few, few occasions when it would be acceptable to throw rings or otherwise give them back (catching your partner cheating comes to mind), and most of the time it would result in the permanent end of the relationship and the returner should be prepared for that. If your friends are playing chicken with rings they are asking for their bluff to be called. Fighting fair is an important skill in a relationship and it doesn't sound like they aspire to it.

 

[neatfreak]

Alli: I agree with you that people shouldn''t be so fast to judge the *relationship* based on that. But I DO think it says something about the instigator...and not something flattering.

 

[Allison D.]

Speaking only for myself, I wouldn''t ever feel comfortable doing it, and I don''t think that I could tolerate it being done to me.

For me, there are so many other productive ways to resolve conflict, but threatening to leave in the heat of the moment isn''t one I consider successful.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I think throwing the ring at someone in a childish fight or as a bluff is immature and not really a healthy way to go through life. However, I don''t think that giving back the ring has to be permanent. For example, a totally hypothetical situation where I think it would make sense would be if a couple was engaged and during the talks about finances and family life and cabbages and kings, a fundamental difference of opinion was discovered like whether or not to have children of if one person would consider moving across country due to a new and unexpected job opportunity. If I were in that situation, I would consider taking off the ring until we had worked out that issue. It''s not an ultimatum. It''s not immature. It''s a decision to put the engagement on hold.


I''ve known people who took off the ring and gave it back because they were working out some problems and felt like it was lie to wear the ring while they were deciding if they still wanted to marry. I respect that decision.


That being said, I can''t imagine ever wanting to take off my ring once BF proposes to me

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 9/3/2008 4:09:15 PM
Author: alli_esq

Date: 9/3/2008 4:00:14 PM
Author: marchswallowbird
Alli, my reply was based on an ssumption that this behavior is not a one-time deal. Perhaps it is. But to me it seems indicative of deeper-set behaviors that can damage trust, hurt others deeply, and over time, erode a marriage. Of course couples will get angry and go through rough times. It is all in how you deal with it. Hopefully most couples WILL be able to work through their issues and move on, as you and your fiancee have done. But not everyone learns from their mistakes.

I hear ya, I do. Hey, my parents used to fight like dogs when we were kids, but they''ve stayed married for over 40 years...and although they''ve had their fair share of upset, they are both happy they''ve stuck with it. I''m sure I learned a lot of my bad fighting behavior from them, and I''m trying to break myself. But man, it''s hard to teach an old dog new tricks...nonetheless, I don''t think I''m un-marriable, even though I don''t always act the way I know I should have in retrospect.

Of course not alli...who ever acts the way they should all the time? I am sure all of us at one time or another have not acted the best way out of anger.

That said, make sure you never do that again, no matter what

...it''s too big a symbol of your relationship, of your commitment...don''t allow yourself to do that again no matter how stressed out your are.

Is your FI still hurt by this/does he bring it up?

 

[SarahLovesJS]

If I tried that..FI would take it VERY seriously. He''d be devastated. We don''t joke about that..or even use it was a ploy in arguments.

 

[iheartscience]

Hell no! He''d have to pry it off my finger-no way would I just throw it at him!

But seriously, I think that''s just high drama behavior. I don''t think it automatically means anything about their marriage lasting or not, but it does probably mean the ring-thrower could use some anger management and fighting skills!

 

[Izzy03]

I''ll be honest, there have been about 2 times that he made me so mad I was tempted to throw my ring at him, but luckily I controlled my anger! Breaking our engagement off is the last thing I would ever want, and throwing my ring at him would hurt him so badly, he might leave me. I think giving back the ring out of anger would only make ANY argument much worse!