Gift etiquette question

[diamondseeker2006]

My daughter just asked me this question and I wondered what the consensus is. She is invited to a bridal shower which she cannot attend, and she and her boyfriend are invited to the wedding. Can they just give one joint wedding gift and skip the shower gift since she cannot attend? Or does she need to send a small shower gift and do the wedding gift?

(ETA: this is not a close friend, obviously)

 

[swingirl]

If she is not attending the shower she does not need to give a gift. If she is real close to the bride she could still send one but I don''t think it is necessary.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I always send a gift if I am invited. If it were me, I''d send a shower gift and a lovely wedding gift.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Okay, good, thanks!!! That is what I told her, but I wanted to be sure. I think she''d rather just give a nicer wedding gift since she can''t attend the shower.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Date: 3/28/2009 9:10:10 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I always send a gift if I am invited. If it were me, I''d send a shower gift and a lovely wedding gift.

Okay, my last post was replying to swingirl, so I see there is more than one way to look at this! Thanks!

 

[Clairitek]

I''m with swinggirl in the one. I don''t think a gift is implied with a shower invite but certainly with a wedding invite.

 

[Haven]

I always give a gift for a shower, whether or not I attend.

As for my own showers, everyone who was invited and couldn''t come sent a gift. This could vary depending on your social circle, though.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

This is definitely a regional thing, or perhaps social circle. I know that, among upper-middle-class Ohioans, gifts are not necessary when one is not attending the shower, nor are they expected.

People (from my hometown) don''t expect wedding presents/gift money from those who do not attend (but are invited to) weddings, either.... with the exception of close friends & family.

 

[CravingDiamonds]

In my opinion, I don''t think she has to get a gift for the shower if she is not attending. I don''t ever expect gifts from people if they don''t show up to the shower/party. But, if she wants to get a small gift, if she is close to the bride, then that''s ok too.

 

[doodle]

I think if she''s close enough to the bride to have gotten a shower invitation, she should send a gift, but I agree with others who said this is also a social circle thing. Personally, I''d rather err on the side of politeness, so if I were in her position, I''d send a very small gift or at least a card with a "Sorry I couldn''t make it!" then give a nice wedding gift later. Then again, though, in my social circle, if you give someone a shower gift, you''re not so much obligated to get an additional wedding gift. In conclusion, I am no help whatsoever!

 

[Sabine]

I like to at least send something if I''m not attending the shower, but there were plenty of people who didn''t attend my shower who didn''t send anything, but they were not the closest of friends/family.

 

[swingirl]

Giving a shower gift has to do with the relationship between the bride and the guest (although you always give a gift if attending). Bridal showers used to reserved for the more intimate friends and family but now it seems like many more people get invited. If you aren't close to the bride in the first place and then aren't even attending the shower I don't think you need to send a gift. This especially holds true if the bride and groom are really friends of your wedding date and you are just invited because the hostess of the shower didn't know what to do.

In the case of young people getting invited to acquaintance's weddings it can get ridiculously expensive to buy gifts for people you aren't close to when you are not attending their event.

 

[Haven]

Date: 3/29/2009 12:06:00 PM
Author: swingirl
Giving a shower gift has to do with the relationship between the bride and the guest (although you always give a gift if attending). Bridal showers used to reserved for the more intimate friends and family but now it seems like many more people get invited. If you aren''t close to the bride in the first place and then aren''t even attending the shower I don''t think you need to send a gift. This especially holds true if the bride and groom are really friends of your wedding date and you are just invited because the hostess of the shower didn''t know what to do.

In the case of young people getting invited to acquaintance''s weddings it can get ridiculously expensive to buy gifts for people you aren''t close to when you are not attending their event.

Swingirl makes a really good point. In my circle we only invite close friends and relatives to showers, so we never think twice about sending a gift if we can''t make it because we want to send a gift. It does seem like brides are beginning to invite everyone and their sister to showers (and "engagement" parties, and bachelorette parties, and luncheons . . . ) so I suppose that is something to consider when deciding whether or not to send a gift.

However, I still believe that the polite thing is to send something. I''ve been invited to a few showers where I was shocked to learn that I was even on the invite list for the wedding. I didn''t attend, of course, but I sent a handwritten note and a small gift to each bride. Being polite does not mean you have to spend a lot of money.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Thank you all for the input! I do think this is a large shower where many were invited so as not to insult anyone by leaving them out. My daughter does plan on attending the wedding so was definitely going to give a wedding gift. I am thinking that maybe she can just send something small to the shower as well.