Frustrated!!

[phawk]

Feeling a little frustrated right now. I know I shouldn''t, but I just do!

I just heard that my boyfriend''s ex-roomate got engaged over the weekend! I know his ex-roomate and his girlfriend (Fiance) very well and I am happy for them, especially her! She is older than he is by about 5 years and she''s been waiting for this engagement for quite some time. They started going out around the same time my boyfriend and I started dating (3 yrs), but they''ve probably been dating a little less time. I mean, I am happy for her, but I just can''t help but feel super jealous!!! This will be the fourth couple I know that have been dating less time than we have and have gotten engaged before us.

The thing is, I am just really irritated and frustrated with my boyfriend!

1) We''ve been talking about getting married since we moved in together back in October, and he hasn''t even made any effort to really shop for a ring. He''s been to a few B&Ms with me, but he hasn''t learned or attempted to learn anything about diamonds.

2) Because of #1, I''ve taken on the initiative to learn as much as I can (this is how I found Pricescope), and share my knowledge with him.

3) I have been working with an online vendor that I found through Pricescope and several diamonds that have interested me have come and gone.... he has made NO EFFORT whatsover to contact the vendors..

4) I know one of the biggest reasons for #3 is because of $$. In order to buy my ring, he will need to liquidate some stocks and I know this. Also, I believe a portion of the $$ will also come from his tax return- again, he needs to see his financial advisor. Well, I have been pushing for him to go in and see his financial advisor for the last two months and he has not done this. He is more interested in golfing on his afternoons off than going to discuss his financial situation w/ his advisor--->$$----> ring---->proposal.

I am so sick of this. I just feel like I have to push for everything to happen... feel like i have to practically BEG for him to propose to me. ARGH.. feeling so mad right now.

Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[JCJD]

Vent away! That''s what we''re here for!

Don''t know how to formulate this into a cohesive paragraph, so I''ll just give you a list of points...

My now-FI and I had dated for over 7 years before he finally proposed this past November. There were tons of couples younger than us (and we''re not old!) that had dated for a shorter amount of time than us that were already married or at least engaged before he proposed. Plus, we''d been talking marriage seriously since the 4 year mark or so.

Have you discussed your frustrations with your BF? He needs to know how you are perceiving his actions and lack thereof and what that means to you and how it makes you feel, i.e. You see: Him not talking to financial planner and not wanting to learn about diamonds with you. You interpret this as: He doesn''t care about your future together and doesn''t ever want to marry you. This all makes you feel: Rejected, strung along, frustrated, angry, unsure of his committment. He probably just doesn''t realize how you are interpreting his actions and how he is inadvertently making you feel.

It might help kickstart him into gear if you use this method. I didn''t use it, but other LIWs have. When does he want to get married? Take that month or season and backtrack however long you want/need to plan the wedding. Now, how much time does he have to research for and buy your e-ring and propose so you can get married on his timeline? This approach will help him realize that time is moving quickly and will hopefully also make him realize he needs to make a considerable effort!

Good luck! I hope all goes well!!

 

[aljdewey]

How about stop pushing so hard.....for a while.

You *just* moved in with him in October......just a few months prior to holidays. He's been talking marriage, but it sounds like you're not even giving him a chance. Slow down a bit, and let it happen.

I'm a woman, and I have to say that if I were feeling this rushed/pushed, I'd drag my feet too. You're ready.....and he's getting there. Rarely do two people arrive at exactly the same time. Give him a bit of breathing room. If October rolls around and you aren't yet engaged or see any motion toward getting there, then I'd begin to press the issue.

 

[AndyRosse]

To add to what aljdewey said, I seem to remember a member here on PS saying how her boyfriend finally told her the reason they weren''t engaged yet and he was dragging his feet was because she couldn''t stop pushing him, talking about it, etc... And she was so upset because had she just let him be, they would have been engaged already!!

Also, just keep this in mind: A friend of mine always wanted her bf to get her flowers...He never would, nor did he seem to get her hints. So when she blatantly told him, he went out as requested and got her some flowers. Well, as you can probably guess, she wasn''t happy because all he had done was follow her orders and not put the "thought" behind it. And the flowers didn''t mean anything to the bf because to him, he was just doing what she asked. So they sat down, she told him how she thought it would be romantic if the two of them would randomly do sweet things for each other, i.e. buying a romantic card, flowers, candy, etc., and he agreed. So then a couple weeks later when he suprised her with a card and candy, not only was she sweetly suprised, but he liked doing it and making her smile...

So I guess what I''m trying to say is that I bet your bf would enjoy the whole proposal thing if you just let him do it in his own time...Now, I''m not saying that you should wait until 2008 holding your tongue!! But maybe give him several months, or maybe sit down, let him know how you feel and that you won''t keep bugging him, etc... And maybe he can just give a time frame to calm your nerves a bit

And until that big time comes, take a seat with us!!

 

[phawk]

I know.. I don''t mean to push him.. but here is the situation.

We bought a condo together back in October because we both knew we were going to be together. However, I was hesitant to move in together because we weren''t engaged. My parents are extremely conservative and even til this day, they do not know we''re living together. But financially, it just made a lot of sense for us so long story short.. one of the reasons I agreed to move in with him was because I thought we''d be engaged soon after. Well, it''s 5 months later and still no engagement. Meantime, my parents still don''t know we live together. When they came to visit a couple of months ago, he actually had to move out! I don''t want to live like that!! I never wanted to be the type to push for the engagement, but I just feel like I have no choice. UGH... He is just the type that never does anything unless someone''s nagging at him to do it! At least that''s how I feel!

 

[AndyRosse]

LOL, I can totally relate!!

My bf and I purchased a condo last March, much to my mother''s dismay, especially since we weren''t even engaged. I told my bf numerous times how she felt, but it just wasn''t financially possible for him to buy me the ring he wanted for me and the condo...But we found the perfect place, so what was I supposed to say, don''t buy the perfect first house for us and get me a ring?

So we moved in, with her knowledge, in the beginning of March 2004. In May 2004 he told me that he wanted to go on vacation in June. Hmmm...could he be proposing?? I wondered, but really didn''t think he would, but in fact he did!! But honestly, my mother still wasn''t pleased with our living arrangement ("What will the neighbors think!?!" lol) even with the engagement. In fact, it took her a YEAR to finally come and see our place, but I think she finally came around.

But I totally understand your situation!! LOL, you guys had to move your bf out, while my fiance and I had to set up an entire bedroom that we called mine lol.

Well, I guess you guys should sit down and talk. Maybe he doesn''t realize how important this may be to you? Or how every passing day is like a lifetime while you are waiting!!

 

[hellokitty]

Hi Phawk. I understand how frustrated you must be right now. You are seeing all these people getting engaged/making marriage plans and being happy, and you just want to experience the same thing with your man. I posted a similar thread to this not too long ago a day when i was feeling it pretty badly. The best advice i got was to talk to him about it. We gf''s are in this too, i know they want to surprise us, but we need some kind of assurance that they are actively TRYING to make the next step too. I feel like i could have written your post too! Its hard to bring up the subj b/c your dealing with $$ issue and the when issue and you definitly dont want to keep pushing and pushing... Mabye start out by telling him, listen you dont have to say exactly when, but you have to give me some assurance that this will be happening b/c you are ready, but you are not gonna be waiting forever
hope this helps a -- little take care

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 4/4/2005 7:55:51 PM
Author: phawk
I know.. I don't mean to push him.. but here is the situation.

We bought a condo together back in October because we both knew we were going to be together. However, I was hesitant to move in together because we weren't engaged. My parents are extremely conservative and even til this day, they do not know we're living together. But financially, it just made a lot of sense for us so long story short.. one of the reasons I agreed to move in with him was because I thought we'd be engaged soon after. Well, it's 5 months later and still no engagement. Meantime, my parents still don't know we live together. When they came to visit a couple of months ago, he actually had to move out! I don't want to live like that!! I never wanted to be the type to push for the engagement, but I just feel like I have no choice. UGH... He is just the type that never does anything unless someone's nagging at him to do it! At least that's how I feel!

Listen, do you really want an engagement if you have to nag him into it? How special is that?

As far as the conditions of your moving in.......you needed better communication. Evidently, what you thought (your definition of soon) and what he thought (his definition of soon) aren't remotely the same thing (it seldom is with guys/girls!). If you expected that you would be engaged within three months of moving in together, you really should have discussed that prior to agreeing to move in and made it clear that you would move in with the understanding that a proposal would be forthcoming in "x" months. It doesn't seem fair to impose your expectations on him now and become frustrated with him now.....he hasn't failed to do something agreed upon by both of you up front.

I can totally understand where it made financial sense, but that's primarily what prompted the decision to move in now, right? It doesn't seem that's reason enough to press into an engagement before he's ready. If you aren't comfortable with the living situation and how it might offend your parents, perhaps it's better for you to find alternate housing until a proposal is offered.

Some valuable advice: Don't press it. My husband was married once before when he was very young. The circumstances: he and his girlfriend talked of moving in together and did so. Two days after doing so, she told him that her very religious parents would have a fit if they lived together without being married, and that they either had to marry or she had to move out. (This after they had signed a year lease, etc.) He married her.....and after a turbulent, six-year unhappy marriage, they split. Almost ruined him from ever marrying again.....he felt she had done it on purpose deceitfully. Thank goodness for me he was willing to take another chance at marriage.

 

[snow_happy]

hi phawk,

It''s funny because we are in such similar situations with conservative parents, living with the BF, etc. I also thought my boyfriend didn''t have the money or the initiative to go looking for a ring. I would show him pictures of rings from Pricescope but he always seemed to just brush it off. He said he wanted to custom make it but I knew he was on a tight budget... in other words, I didn''t think it was going to happen for some time. I pushed about getting ring...insisting that I didn''t care what kind. Well... he *totally* surprised me about two weeks ago with the most wonderful ring in the world (and within his budget!). He did have it custom-made and hid the whole thing from me. So while I was trying to find vendors online and stuff he already had the ring process in motion! Boys can surprise you! Maybe this will be the situation for you too!! My boyfriend was really patient with me the whole time (while also laughing at me in his head since he knew the truth that the ring was coming soon). In other words, try not to drive your bf crazy and also don''t get too down because you never know when it will happen! If you boyfriend truly wants to spend his life with you he will find a way on his own to make the engagement happen. Have faith