Wedding Frustrated and disappointed (vent)

[brooklyngirl]

So, since FI and I got engaged we''ve been looking at venue after venue. We found one venue that I was in love with, but FI wasn''t -- at all. So I kind of put it out of my mind and got over it. As we searched on, we realized that we were, at best, lukewarm to every place we''ve visited. So FI suggests that perhaps we should have the wedding at the place that made the most lasting impression on me, since he wasn''t crazy about any of the places we''ve seen, and felt it was better for someone to be ecstatic about the venue, as opposed to both of us being just OK with it. So today we go back there with our parents and spend half the day there discussion options, etc. I was finally excited about the wedding for the first time in a few months, as it looked like we were finally about to book a place, and we could move forward with the rest of the planning. I kept asking FI over and over again if he was sure he was ok with this place, since he wasn''t so impressed with it, and he said he was, and that next week we should go over there and figure out a contract.
Well fast forward to tonight, and he is having second thoughts, and said that after seeing it again, he really doesn''t like it, and doesn''t want to have the wedding there. Needless to say, I am crushed

. I''m not so much mad at FI but, I''m just frustrated with this whole thing. We are supposed to be moving to San Jose in a month, and we have no concrete plans for the wedding. There is no way I can plan a wedding in Brooklyn from the west coast.

I suppose the only solution is to book one of the places that we were most lukewarm to, and get it done with. But then I wonder if this will make my entire wedding mediocre because I couldn''t find a place that I was really happy with. Now I can''t sleep tonight, and so I''m ventin on PS

 

[Loves Vintage]

Hi BG, Sorry you are having such a hard time finding a venue. Were you looking on Long Island at one point too? Is this for the ceremony and reception? How many people?

Have you seen this place?

http://www.bsec.org/9901/index.html

What kinds of criteria are you hoping for? Have you thought about renting a loft and bringing in caterers?

 

[noelwr]

I think you''re being totally sweet with FI not getting mad at him. you asked him over and over again when at the venue if he was sure and he said yes and gets you all excited and then changes his mind again later.

I would ask him what the h*ll he proposes to do instead! so what DOES he propose as an alternative considering you''re moving in a month''s time? is he looking to have a particular type of wedding?

are your parents paying for the wedding? maybe you can say because your parents are paying and that they also really like the venue that that''s what you''re going for unless he comes up with an alternative? sounds conniving, I know, and probably not good for a relationship. I will sit here and be angry for you while others come with a clever plan.

usually women complain that their FIs aren''t involved enough in the wedding but I see you''ve got the opposite problem.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Loves Vintage - We were looking everywhere at one point. We have seen several places that we liked, even had one picked out to book. However, it is a must that food at the reception is served family style, and that alcohol is on the tables at all times (that's how these things are done in both of our families). The place we wanted to book in the first place would not do a family style reception. We liked the place so much that we thought we could forgoe that, but when we took our parents there to see it, and make sure that there weren't any major issues with it, they had a fit. The day after all four of them and my sister invited themselves over to our house, and said there is no way we're having a non-family style, no alcohol on the tables reception. While we are paying for the wedding ourselves, I do not want our families to have a bad time at the wedding, and I did agree with some of the things they were saying (it's more of a cultural thing, I suppose). The place you posted does look interesting, I'll have to see if they allow caterers. Thank you for responding .

noelwr - Tell me about it, after we left the venue, he even asked, "So, is it a go?" and I said h*ll yes! He mentioned that we could rent a loft, but to be honest, I am so sick and tired of looking for wedding venues. We have seen over a dozen (I've lost count at this point), and I just don't think that we'll have time to look separately for a venu, and caterer. We only have a month. The best I could hope for at this point is to find a venue with in house catering, and find my florist, and band/dj. I doubt I'll be able to do all that in a month. The photo/video stuff I think can be done remotely. This whole episode just sucks, because we decided that if this place didn't work out (due to parents or budgetary constraints) that we would do a destination wedding, but now that he backed out of our agreement, I don't want a destianation wedding, because a wedding in NY wasn't given a fair chance. Thanks for the support. I was wondering if my inner bridezilla was beginning to show herself.

You know what's funny, when we first got engaged I thought my best friend and I would plan the wedding over some margaritas. But then I started feeling guilty that FI wouldn't have any say. That was dumb.

ETA - The place that I love and FI is a landmark opera house/ballroom that was re/built in the early 1900's, and was restored over the last 20? years, so everything in there is antique, and the place has a lot of history. FI says it's not his style

. It's generally not my style either, but it's one of those things that's not my style, that I LOVE. It has these beautiful ceilings, and they're painted in my favorite color combo (pink/green). The whole place makes me feel giddy. All the other places we've seen don't really do much for me, but they're "OK".

 

[Rhea]

It sucks that you''re not having any luck finding a place. Could you take a break from it for awhile and then get back to it? Do you not actually like any of the other places or are you just having a hard time imagining them all tarted up for a wedding?

 

[brooklyngirl]

There is one that is nice, but it''s ordinary. I can definitely imagine it decorated for a wedding, but the atmosphere would be different. If we can''t come to an agreement, we''ll go to the one which both of us are ok with. The place that I prefer is very whimsy, and colorful, while the "ok" one is more earthy in color. But I suppose I''ll have to deal, and get over the other place.

 

[noelwr]

I would just say that he gave you a GO for the place and he doesn''t have the possibility to change his mind anymore. that will also set a foundation for your marriage that he can''t make decisions only to change his mind later. life doesn''t work that way.

after all, the wedding is the bride''s day. and if he doesn''t like the place, then he probably won''t want to be involved with the rest of the planning which let''s you freely make all the decisions. tell him he can organize the honeymoon (and pay for it).

 

[Rhea]

Date: 6/15/2008 7:02:50 AM
Author: noelwr
I would just say that he gave you a GO for the place and he doesn't have the possibility to change his mind anymore. that will also set a foundation for your marriage that he can't make decisions only to change his mind later. life doesn't work that way.


after all, the wedding is the bride's day. and if he doesn't like the place, then he probably won't want to be involved with the rest of the planning which let's you freely make all the decisions. tell him he can organize the honeymoon (and pay for it).

No, a wedding is a celebration for the couple. Couple = two people.

My marriage also works that if I made a decision but then go back on the decision my husband will support me the best he possibly can. A decision is rarely final and her FI being able to fess up that what he thought would be okay was actually not okay when he looked again takes a lot of guts. You can't punish someone for being honest in this situation.

 

[noelwr]

I agree that you should be able to change your mind and get support... but at some point it just gets too much.

first he didn''t like it. then HE suggest they might as well go with the original venue because she liked it and they go through the whole trouble to drag their parents there and she''s all excited. then she checks to make sure if it''s ok and he says it''s a definite go so she''s relieved. and then later on he says no. I mean that''s a bit extreme in my opinion and putting her on an emotional roller coaster ride which I don''t think is very fair of him. the poor girl couldn''t even sleep! it sounds a bit one sided to me.

I''m sorry brooklyngirl, I don''t mean to pick on your FI whom I don''t even know. he was probably trying to make you happy which was sweet and he''s probably not like this with all decisions. so thumbs up all the way for you supporting him but I totally understand your frustration. I was just trying to come up with ways for you to get the venue of you dreams.

 

[cara]

You might not be letting your inner bridezilla out enough! ... with your parents/sister, not your FI.

Please consider that part of the difficulty here is the constraints imposed on you my the family style/alcohol on tables requirement. There are plenty of ways to have a good time at a wedding, with ample food and drink, that don't meet those two requirements. How much more annoyed would your parents/sister be if they have to fly everyone to the west coast for the wedding? or the wedding happens somewhere in the caribbean with few people in attendance to notice if it was family style or not? the image of people (who are not funding the wedding) coming to your house and demanding a certain style of food service is quite astonishing to me! That's gall.

Of the two, alcohol on the tables should be easier to implement. I have seen wine bottles on the tables at more weddings than I have seen family style. Family style sounds great, but in practice requires a lot of plating and a lot of food. If you and your FI are set on going with family style, then you should both realize you are throwing out a lot of venues that you might otherwise consider. I second really putting the onus on your FI if he is going to veto the venue at this late date. What venue does he want instead? How much extra legwork is he going to throw in in the next month to get critical vendors booked? etc.

it is a ceremony of two people and i don't think "putting your foot down" (bride gets her way now!) is really the right answer. but expecting the groom to act like an adult in decision making is quite reasonable.

 

[Loves Vintage]

Date: 6/15/2008 6:36:31 AM
Author: brooklyngirl
Loves Vintage - We were looking everywhere at one point. We have seen several places that we liked, even had one picked out to book. However, it is a must that food at the reception is served family style, and that alcohol is on the tables at all times (that''s how these things are done in both of our families). The place we wanted to book in the first place would not do a family style reception. We liked the place so much that we thought we could forgoe that, but when we took our parents there to see it, and make sure that there weren''t any major issues with it, they had a fit. The day after all four of them and my sister invited themselves over to our house, and said there is no way we''re having a non-family style, no alcohol on the tables reception. While we are paying for the wedding ourselves, I do not want our families to have a bad time at the wedding, and I did agree with some of the things they were saying (it''s more of a cultural thing, I suppose). The place you posted does look interesting, I''ll have to see if they allow caterers. Thank you for responding .

Well, it''s good that your families are in agreement and gave you some specific parameters!

I just came across that place in my random searching -- I''ve never been there. It looks really neat. I noticed after I posted that they allow up to 100 people (not sure if that will work for you.)

I think your issue with having looked at so many places probably has a lot to do with the fact that you are in proximity of so many wonderful and unique venue options!!!! The renovated place you mentioned sounds fabulous -- there are probably dozens of such places to choose from, right? Anyway, maybe there''s a way you can streamline your search process from what you''ve learned from the places that you have actually visited. Are venues typically responsive via e-mail or not so much? Or maybe your sister could help with some of the actual visits, since it sounds like you are getting ready for a big move too!!

 

[iheartscience]

I think since you don''t have time to keep looking, this place is it and your fiance needs to get over it. I don''t think it''s all about the bride, but this place makes you GIDDY and he won''t have it there? That seems pretty selfish to me, especially considering that he''s not fighting for another venue that he loves as much as you love this one.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 6/15/2008 11:35:22 AM
Author: thing2of2
I think since you don''t have time to keep looking, this place is it and your fiance needs to get over it. I don''t think it''s all about the bride, but this place makes you GIDDY and he won''t have it there? That seems pretty selfish to me, especially considering that he''s not fighting for another venue that he loves as much as you love this one.

Tend to agree. Unless he''s got some legit reason for absolutely HATING the place, I really think he should just compromise on this one since he doesn''t have one he even actively ''likes'' to suggest instead.

It almost sounds to me like he''s got a preconceived notion of what he wants in a venue (perhaps too specific) and that''s why he''s being so picky?

 

[brooklyngirl]

noelwr, Addy - He gave me a GO, but I still don''t want him to hate the venue. It''s his wedding too, and I''d like for him to enjoy it. So, while it could be a solution to tell him to stuff it, I can''t say that''s soething I''m comfortable with doing

. I don''t ever want him to feel like he can''t tell me something. He knows how hurtful and disappointing this was to me, I certainly made no secret of that. I know that he was just trying to make me happy, and really thought he could live with that choice of venue.

cara - Our families are not so much annoyed with the idea of a standard reception, but are more concerned that our relatives will think poorly of the wedding. They basically said that if it''s a choice between a standard reception and no/small wedding they prefer the latter. FI is ok with a destination wedding, but I would like to try out all avenues before we go that route. I''m not sure that some of our older relatives (grandparents) would be able to take a flight, and I think it''s a lot to ask of people to take a whole vacation because not everyone is able to do that. My family is pretty small, and I would like them to be at my wedding.

There are quite a few Russian-owned places in Brooklyn that have only family style receptions. However, I''m not very impressed with the venues themselves. There isn''t an adequate place for a ceremony, and I''ve been to most of these places for weddings before. I wanted something else for my own wedding.

In the meantime FI has researched venues, but none of them fit the bill, so we''ll go see a venue we thought was decent, again, and see what we can come up with.

Oh, and my mom keeps talking about this one place that she really likes, but FI and I are not fond of, and she kept talking about it as we were showing her the place I liked. She just kept harping about my

place, how she didn''t like it and we should go see the other place that she likes, even though I keep telling her that''s not what we want

. At this point I would consider doing the wedding there, but because of her attitude I don''t even want to entertain the idea. FFIL was getting annoyed at her as well, and told her that she could have her wedding there if she wanted to.

Loves Vintage - I think we''ve seen most places in the viscinity, and this place is truely unique, so I think I''m pretty much done looking and we''ll have to pick a place from the ones we''ve seen.

thing2of2, absolut_blonde - We talked this morning and decided that our plan of action was to see the place we were both ok with, and if I still didn''t like it he would agree to do it there. He said he''s going back and forth because the doesn''t really like the atmosphere of the place (there are a bunch of painting all over the walls, and he doesn''t like them

), but loves that I''m so giddy when I''m there. He said worst comes to worst he''ll just look at me throughout the whole wedding

and that will take his attention away from the atmosphere. Just to be clear he doesn''t hate the entire place, just the area where the reception will be, because of the paintings. In my opinion, I don''t think he''ll really notice them during the reception because the lights will be dimmed, and there will be centerpieces and lots of people dancing around. We''ll have a decision by the end of next week. He says this time it is final.


I know he is just trying to make me happy, and that this is hard for him too, so I can''t be too mad at him.

Thank you for listening ladies

 

[allycat0303]

Hey Brooklyn,

I think that getting a venue is like buying a house. You never get EXACTLY what you wanted (unless you have it custome built an unlimited budget). It sounds to me like you were really excited about the venue. I do think that it''s better to pick the place you were excited about rather then the other places where both of you were "lukewarm" about.

Were there specific things he told you he didn''t like? Some decor thing? The silverware, or the chairs. Maybe it''s a modifiable thing.

By the way, I just came accross pics of your engagement ring and I love it. LOVE IT. TO die for. It''s exactly the ring I would have gotten if I was a little more fashion forward.

Keep us updated (or post some pics of this venue!) Good luck!

 

[brooklyngirl]

Ally, aww thank you, I'm so flattered

. There are always upgrades or pink wedding bands

His main problem is that there are paintings all over the place, in a style that he doesn't like. It's an old place (built in the early 1900's), and he likes places that are more modern. I'm in love with it because it's colorful. Unfortunately the walls aren't modifiable, but I really don't think he would notice them during the reception. Going to dig up some pics of the venue.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Here''s the entrance:

 

[brooklyngirl]

Reception room:

 

[absolut_blonde]

Oh, I think it's lovely! I could see him not being as crazy about it if he's into modern things, though. But what if you went very classic, almost contemporary (not to the point where it would clash) with the rest of the decor? Just kept the rest of it fairly simple and non-fussy? Maybe that would help for him.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Sigh, I wish there were venues like that where I am, it is truely amazing.

I am sorry he doesn''t like it, but since he doesn''t have a better idea, I its hard for me to sympathize. If he loved one and you loved another that would be one thing, but it sounds like he really doesn''t care too much.

 

[karasue91]

Hi brooklyn girl, i''m sorry you''re having such a hard time finding a venue! I just wanted to say, it''s not impossible to plan a wedding from across the country. I planned almost my entire western-Canada wedding from NYC, so it can be done. It sounds like your parents are pretty specific with what they want, if the time come for you guys to move you don''t have a venue booked, maybe ask your parents to go looking around for you. Take pictures obviously, report back, and make your decision that way.

I am really a pretty bad control freak I have discovered during the course of planning this wedding, but we were living across the continent so I had to rely on FI''s family to choose a nice place. The place we ended up with isn''t EXACTLY what I wanted, but FI LOVES it so I said ok. And then, last weekend when we were shopping for a couch I found one that I LOVED and he wasn''t too crazy about, but he said ok let''s get it. So it comes back around!!! Maybe you can compromise with him on something else?

 

[brooklyngirl]

absolut_blonde - I absolutely plan on minimalist decor, especially siince the place speaks for itself .

BIH - It's too bad we don't have another choice that someone is ecstatic about, but at this point, I'm just tired. I just want to pick something and move on!

karasue91 - That's a good idea in theory, but my mother has been pretty overbearing when it comes to my wedding. I don't think I'd be comfortable at this point to have her look at places, and actually select one. She would go and look at places based on what *she* likes without taking my opinion into consideration. So, I'd like to avoid that. Ok, fine -- I'm a bit of a control freak. As far as FI goes, I'm very open to compromise. I'm just tired of this whole venue search, and would like to move along with planning. So, if it's the other "lukewarm" place that we have to book, then so be it. I'm a stickler for everyone (particularly FI) being happy about the wedding.

 

[iheartscience]

I know this doesn''t help, but that place looks AMAZING! It''s not really my style, either, because I also love clean and modern, but it''s such a gorgeous place I know I would fall in love with it, too!

Anyways, I hope you get it worked out so you don''t have to deal with it anymore and you''re both happy, but I want you to do it at that place!

 

[decodelighted]

Hum. *ducks* I don''t really like it either. It is VERY girly ... like candy parfait girly. I agree that its too bad he feels so strongly about it ... and that you feel so strongly the opposite direction. Hope some middle ground location reveals itself so you can feel good about the planning. What about a grand library or museum or something -- that could be ornate yet clean??? Good luck!

 

[decodelighted]

What about:

Tobacco Warehouse in Empire-Fulton Ferry State Park
26 New Dock St., nr. Water St. Dumbo, Brooklyn; 718-802-0603; brooklynbridgepark.org
This nineteenth-century warehouse on the Brooklyn waterfront has 20,000 square feet of roofless space, ideal for a dramatic outdoor wedding. The warehouse also offers a 7,200-square-foot tented area that accommodates 350 to 400 for dinner, rain or shine, with magnificent views of the Manhattan skyline and the Brooklyn Bridge. The rental fee starts at $4,500, plus an additional $25 permit fee.

or

New York Yacht
212-932-3333; newyorkyacht.com
Plan an intimate, 45-guest wedding aboard a small motor yacht, or pull out all the stops with a lavish cocktail party for 500 while cruising the Hudson and East Rivers. New York Yacht’s seven vessels include the 72-foot Calypso and the Lady Windrige, which is nearly twice the former’s size. Prices upon request.

or

The Puck Building
295 Lafayette St., nr. Houston St.; 212-274-8900; puckcaterers.com
This landmark Soho building boasts more than 14,000 square feet of event space. The high-ceilinged Grand Ballroom is vast, with white walls and columns, two chandeliers, and white curtains that can be parted to yield an incredible amount of natural light. The seventh-floor Skylight Ballroom seats up to 250 guests. Both are available year-round from $7,500 to $8,500 each. Although they are undergoing a renovation, the spaces will reopen in November 2008.

 

[princesss]

I''m with Deco on this one. It kind of reminds me of Polly Pocket, so I can see why your FI wouldn''t be thrilled with it. I know it''s rough finding places, and I''m sorry you''ve been going through all of this trouble. I think it''s great, though, that you''re open to looking at more places so that you can find something that will be a middle ground. A lot of women get caught up in the "It''s my day, I get it my way" thing, so it''s nice to see somebody really taking their FI''s feelings about things to heart.

 

[brooklyngirl]

GOOD LORD! I just got back home from a flight that never happened! I was supposed to go to Chicago for training, but instaed, I sat there for 6 hours waiting for a stupid ticket agent to become available, only to be told that the next flight available was at 4 pm tomorrow with a layover in Ohio. I got them to refund my ticket, and got myself on a 7 am flight out of LaGuardia. Complete and utter disaster with these airlines

. Ok, but back to the topic at hand...

thing2of2 - I am hoping for the same kind of resolution

, but if it doesn''t happen at this place, I think I will be ok at the "lukewarm" place as well. I would even consider the place my mom keeps harping about, if FI is ok with it and if they let up a bit on the price.

decodelighted - We looked around, even at the Library (a la STC), but they don''t allow ceremonies to take place there, and at this stage in the game, I''m just too tired to look at anything else. At this rate we will be looking for a wedding venue well into our nineties! FI also looked at the yach, and it turned out to be too expensive

althought I thought it would have been awesome. Thanks for the links though, they are much appreciated

. I guess I can see how the place might too girly for FI.

princesss - LOL at Polly Pocket! The lukewarm place i a bit more subdued, but still ornate, so it might work. We''ll have to take a look at it again.

I must say, I haven''t really had the idea that this is MY day. It''s OUR day, and has to be a reflection of us, not just me. Frankly, I wouldn''t be happy if I knew FI was uncomfortable (for lack of a better word) partying at our reception site. I just want to have a wedding where both of us get to have some fun, and celebrate our new family, so as long as the place we choose allows for that, I''ll be flexible. I think that means I''m officially over it.

But if FI pulls this crap again, he''s sleeping on the couch!

 

[doodle]

one thing to keep in mind. BG--a neutral venue can be decorated in a heckuva lot more ways than can a colorful one. i mean, the venue you''re in love with--how many options would you have with other decorating? i don''t think there''d be a way to tone down the femininity of that place (it is pretty, but it''s definitely girly!). what specifically does your FI have in mind???

 

[brooklyngirl]

doodle - With this venue, the venue is the decoration. I would have rather simple centerpieces (maybe even candleabras (sp?)) and not much else. FI's main problem are the paintings that hang all over the walls. He doesn't seem to mind the colors. Our wedding colors are pink/chocolate, and he's fine with those. It's actually funny, becaue my room growing up was painted in pink and green, so the place kind of takes me back to my younger/giddier place.

So, the paintings are a problem, but I don't see any way to cover them up.

I'm not so creative when it comes to decorating. So, I'm not sure how a plain place could be made into something not plain. At the very least I think it would be rather expensive.

 

[choro72]

I can''t be much help here, but I COMPLETELY understand what you are feeling. I''m hating the venue search too...We''re actually going to book a place next weekend, and we made our decision out of pure practicality. Not that we hate the place, but I''ll be honest that it''s not my first choice. All the place we liked just wouldn''t work for us. I hope it will work out for you.

I know what you mean about loving a place with history. We''ve looked at two places that SANG to me for the same reason, but it''s just not possible for the guest''s comfort. Good luck.