From The Cat Manual (long post)

[Madam Bijoux]

BATHROOMS:Always accompany humans to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare. We do have a cat who runs to beat us to the bathroom so that she can land in the sink - she expects us to turn on the faucet so she can get a drink. Unfortunately, she no longer fits in the sink now that she is a GROWN cat, however, this doesn''t stop her from trying - she races everyone, family, guests, people who don''t know she is racing them to the bathroom - and if they close the door in her face, she simply opens it and comes in anyway until they figure out that the faucet must be turned on for her to get her drink of water!

DOORSo not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws - or claws! Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human''s bare foot.

HAMPERING:If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering:" 1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. 2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. 3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible, at least. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen. 4) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump. 5) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human''s lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.

WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as closely as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.

LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.

ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don''t forget guests!

 

[Madam Bijoux]

7HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE CATS

BLADDER DANCING

While normal Cat Logic dictates that sitting on a sleeping human should actually get them up, it all-too-often gives them an added excuse to lie in bed a little longer - on the pretext of "not disturbing the cat". On the other hand, dancing, treading, kneading and generally fidgeting on your human''s early morning full bladder, will invariably get him or her out of bed. All you then have to do is to ensure they stay out of bed!

ANKLE SURFING

Once your human is up and about, attach yourself to his or her ankles as they go about their tasks. Your side or tail must remain in contact with his or her ankle at all times. This has the following effects:

a) Wherever they go, you go - thus ensuring nothing is hidden from you.
b) You are demonstrating your devotion and attachment
c) If he or she treads on you, you can exploit their guilt
d) It says, loud and clear, "I need something!" - it''s then up to you to identify what exactly it is that you need.

Take care that you don''t trip your human - it is a wise precaution to temporarily detach yourself from ankles while he or she negotiates stairs.

PURRING

While this may sound like teaching your grandmother to catch mice, it is a fact that contented throaty purring is irresistible to most humans. Make it evident that your human is the source of your contentment and the reason for your ecstatic purring. Purring while snuggling is one of the most powerful combinations known to cats. However, if you also knead while purring, keep those claws sheathed - a few painful punctures can undo several hours'' worth of purring in all but the best-trained human.

LOOKING CUTE

Never underestimate the power of looking cute! Wide eyes and pricked ears and whiskers with your head cocked slightly to one side is almost guaranteed to provoke the "oooh" reaction, especially from younger members of the household. Learn from kittens - they frequently get away with all manner of misdeeds on the strength of being unspeakably cute. Mature cats should, of course, avoid misdeeds (as far as is felinely possible), but accidents can and do happen. Many a canny cat has avoided chastisement by simply being "too cute to be cross with".

MEWING

Another often overlooked tactic is mewing. It''s not just for youngsters! Properly employed, it can be a powerful weapon in your arsenal. The key is proper intonation. Loud, raucous or demanding mews will get you nowhere except in an emergency. Soft, medium pitched and polite, combined with the wide eyes and cocked head of "Looking Cute" is far more effective. Many cats develop a complete vocabulary of mews which range from plaintive through to cheerful greeting. Then of course there is the famous "silent meow". Pitched too high for human hearing, it gives the impression that you simply can''t find words to express your emotion or need. Humans find that practically irresistible.

SITTING PRETTY

Most humans have an innate love of neatness and order which a cat can quickly learn to exploit. Even when they themselves are untidy in their household habits, they are quick to admire neatness in others. Exploit this by sitting pretty. Sit to attention, that is sit up straight with all four paws in a line and close together (as far as is possible according to your body shape) and curl your tail around to lie over your front paws.

Whether you are simply dozing or are concentrating, this posture is greatly admired by neat-minded humans. Combined with "Looking Cute" it is a powerful weapon.

TAIL FLUTTERING

In this respect, tailless or bobtailed cats will be at a disadvantage while those gifted with long fur will have an added advantage. It is well known by cats that humans are not too good at reading our more subtle tail signals. However, most of them can recognise the upright, slightly a-quiver tail of greeting. Take care that it cannot be mistaken for spraying - a trait they dislike greatly, being cursed with a poor sense of smell unable to appreciate scent messages. Practice tail fluttering when greeting your human, when being fed and when ankle surfing. If possible, practice walking, trotting and bounding (to greet your human) with tail aloft.

 

[Lorelei]

Brilliant! I especially love the throwing up instructions....

 

[Maisie]

I really enjoyed reading that. As a first time cat owner I already recognise some of those statements!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 6/8/2009 9:19:59 AM
Author:Madam Bijoux

BATHROOMS:Always accompany humans to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare. We do have a cat who runs to beat us to the bathroom so that she can land in the sink - she expects us to turn on the faucet so she can get a drink. Unfortunately, she no longer fits in the sink now that she is a GROWN cat, however, this doesn''t stop her from trying - she races everyone, family, guests, people who don''t know she is racing them to the bathroom - and if they close the door in her face, she simply opens it and comes in anyway until they figure out that the faucet must be turned on for her to get her drink of water!

DOORSo not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws - or claws! Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an ''outside'' door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human''s bare foot.

HAMPERING:If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called ''helping,'' otherwise known as ''hampering.'' Following are the rules for ''hampering:'' 1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. 2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. 3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible, at least. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen. 4) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump. 5) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human''s lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.

WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as closely as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.


BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.

LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.

ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don''t forget guests!

Here''s one that pertains to my cat Binks:

Amended to Litter Box:
If litter box is in the kitchen, be sure to use it when humans are cooking dinner. This is engaging in "togetherness" as you''re both "making" something.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 6/8/2009 9:47:22 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk

Date: 6/8/2009 9:19:59 AM
Author:Madam Bijoux

BATHROOMS:Always accompany humans to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare. We do have a cat who runs to beat us to the bathroom so that she can land in the sink - she expects us to turn on the faucet so she can get a drink. Unfortunately, she no longer fits in the sink now that she is a GROWN cat, however, this doesn''t stop her from trying - she races everyone, family, guests, people who don''t know she is racing them to the bathroom - and if they close the door in her face, she simply opens it and comes in anyway until they figure out that the faucet must be turned on for her to get her drink of water!

DOORSo not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws - or claws! Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an ''outside'' door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human''s bare foot.

HAMPERING:If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called ''helping,'' otherwise known as ''hampering.'' Following are the rules for ''hampering:'' 1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. 2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. 3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible, at least. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen. 4) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump. 5) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human''s lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.

WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as closely as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.


BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.

LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.

ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don''t forget guests!

Here''s one that pertains to my cat Binks:

Amended to Litter Box:
If litter box is in the kitchen, be sure to use it when humans are cooking dinner. This is engaging in ''togetherness'' as you''re both ''making'' something.

* howling...*

 

[AmberGretchen]

LOL at the original, and at HH''s addition - too funny (and so true)!!

 

[Scorpioanne]

I was thinking about this as I was sitting on the throne and my cat was jammed up against my leg then on the floor laying there. I haven''t had a pee alone for 12 years!

 

[loriken214]

Madam B...you should write a book!!!

Coco is a special needs kitty and she tosses her cookies all over the place due to a problem with her colon. The other morning I woke up to her gagging and coughing up a hairball right next to my head....she was in her bed which is on the top right side of the bed we share. UGG....she then coughed up two more times...another time in the bed and the last time on the bathroom floor. GROSS! I''ve become quite skilled at cleaning up cat cookies, but still cannot deal with my 10 year old mini dachshunds when they get sick.

Lori

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 6/8/2009 7:35:19 PM
Author: Scorpioanne
I was thinking about this as I was sitting on the throne and my cat was jammed up against my leg then on the floor laying there. I haven''t had a pee alone for 12 years!

Ditto. Binks also like to watch the toilet flush. If I leave the door open I''ll find random things in the toilet. gloves, wrappers, dog toys, anything he can drag in there he will try and flush. He hasn''t figured out the flushing mechanism yet though...with the number of times he''s watched me in the bathroom you would think he''d learn how to use it!

 

[Dannielle]

Oh, that bathroom section is spot on with our youngest, Harlow.

Aswell as drinking from the taps, licking the water off the shower floor and staring at people on the toliet she sits on the vanity when you are in the shower and bounces up over the shower screen, landing on your head or clawing down your front/back

Still love her though