Friendship advice, or a virtual smack across the head...

[meresal]

(whichever you think would help me more)

I am dealing with a situation right now, and need some impartial ears...

Starting spring of 2009, I started doing "Girls' Night" with some girls in the town where DH and I used to live. We got together on a specific night of the week, to watch a specific show. It was great and a nice time to just relax and chat. Our husbands all went to high school together, which is how we all met, but it was great to feel like we had our own "bond".

Well, last spring, along with having a child, DH and I moved to another suburb, about 30 minutes away. The girls and I decided to still do Girls' Night on the same night, and I would make the trip back to the old suburb to see everyone. No problem, more than happy to make the trip in order to see the girls. I look forward to this thruout the week, and since I am alone with my son all week, I enjoy my girl time to the fullest.
Well, this season, we have meet once in the 5/6 weeks that the show has been on. It has just been one excuse after another, too tired, too busy, have work to do... etc.

I understand that once in a while things are going to come up. However, it is now becoming a weekly thing. They will send an email out the morning of, giving the excuse, and then it is done.

I have also noticed that the girls are getting together for activities on the weekends, and aren't inviting me. Like movies, theatre trips, or bowling nights, etc. These are the same girl's that I meet with on girls' night.

I am very dissapointed. I am coming to terms with the fact that they just aren't as invested in sustaining the friendship as I am, and that is hard. I thought we were all very close, but apparently it only exists if we all live in the same zip code.

I want to send an email. Letting the one girl, who I am closest with, know how I feel and how much it has hurt me that they just brush the Girls' Night off, as somehting that can just be rescheduled for another day. I can't do that. I was also going to suggest that maybe we just make the Girls' Night a once-a-month activity, in hopes that maybe it won't be brushed aside as easily.

Am I being petty? Should I search around the house for my big girl panties? Thanks for listening. (reading)

 

[dragonfly411]

Mere - I certainly don't think you are being petty. I do think you should voice your concern. Perhaps the ladies don't realize that it's been like this for you. Explain that you're happy to make a trip, or you'd love for them to come to you too. If they don't make an effort after that, then I'm afraid it's time to move on.

 

[stephbolt]

Mere, are you the only one in the group with a child? I'm wondering if some of the exclusion from the events outside of the weekly event is based on their perception that because you have a child, you can't go see a movie or go shopping or whatever with them.

I can also see how, if they are getting together socially at other times, making sure the girls night goes off as scheduled is not as important to them. You are thinking of it from the viewpoint that they aren't interested in sustaining the friendship, but they most likely aren't thinking about you first - they might be thinking instead, "oh, I have a hard week at work ahead of me, and I just saw most of the girls when we went to the movies Saturday, so I'm just going to beg off for tonight."

I don't think you would be out of line to say something about both points. I think the idea to make girls night a monthly or even every other week event might help too. But ultimately you can't dictate or always understand other people's priorities, and if they feel like you are "forcing" them to have weekly girls nights it's not going to be fun for anyone.

Good luck, I hope you and your friends can work things out.

 

[meresal]

DF- Thanks for the reply. If it is indeed time to move on, then I would much rather make plans with new friends in our current area, than try to retain these other friendships from a place I don't even live anymore.
The don't ever offer to come visit, and I don't ask them to. I know they don't want to come out here, so why put them on the spot like that. They keep talking about doing a girls' sleepover one weekend at my house, and every date someone throws out, gets shot down in one way or another.

Steph- Thanks for your input.
I am indeed the only one with a child. I wish I could say that I think that is the reason, but they know that my DH would watch the baby in order for me to go... not to mention I have asked them to call me if they get together to do things. I really think that it doesn't even occur to them to invite me. Out of sight, out of mind.

Isn't what you're saying one in the same. If they are brushing aside girls' night, over and over, doesn't that mean that they are brushing aside the friendship?
I will mention making it monthly instead of weekly. Maybe we can go out to dinner instead of going to someone's home to eat and watch tv.

 

[ForteKitty]

do you guys usually plan on going out on weekdays? I wonder if they're just too tired to do anything, even if it means lounging around. I know i'm usually out of commission after work, i dont want to talk to anyone, not even my bf! weekends are definitely better.

either way, it still sucks, and i'm sorry you have to go thru this.

 

[somethingshiny]

Tough love time, Mere. ASK them what's going on. We can guess ourselves silly but you won't know until you hear it from them.

I understand the kind of feelings you're having. I think it comes along with Mommyhood for those of us that were first in the group to have kids. I wish you luck.

 

[meresal]

Forte- We have always met on Monday night after work.

Even when I was the one that was commuting an hour each way, to and from work, and they all worked in the surburb that we lived in.

 

[meresal]

SS- Thanks for your reply. The feelings aren't even really related to mommyhood. I am just feeling dissapointed. I am not asking them to drive to me, to meet on "my" schedule, or at a certain time. Not one thing has changed since the baby came. They have just begun to flake out, and it hurts my feelings. I really look forward to it, and then Bam, cancelled, again.

Like I replied earlier I would rather spend this time making better friendships in my new area, if my old friends don't care to hold a committment. I have mommy friends and single friends here that would NEVER miss a girls' night if we began scheduling one!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Before reaching out to the closest friend to express your hurt, I would probably send an email to all of them stating that I'd noticed interest in the Monday night girls' night waning and how much I missed seeing all of them regularly. I'd then ask if another day works better for them or if every other week made things easier so that the group could still meet regularly. That way they all feel included and know how much you miss spending Monday nights with them.

ETA: I forgot to say that I'm sorry this is happening--I think every girl knows how nice a girls' night is, I can imagine they become even more important post-kids!

 

[megumic]

In situations like this, I always kill it with kindness. Write an email or note or something and start off with how much you've enjoyed the friendship and how much it means to you. Then mention how you feel you've been drifting and that both of your lives are busy, but that you want to make an honest effort to maintain the relationship. Finish with offering a time, date and place to get together just the two of you.

I'd leave the girls night out of this -- that is just one opportunity to see these women. Make it more personal for the one you are closer with and see how that goes. As for the girls night, I'd simply suggest another time to meet if that doesn't work for everyone.

Good luck. Stuff like this sucks and it's hard to realize that other ppl are just too busy with themselves to be a good friend sometimes. I can name a handful. But to me, the real integrity is holding them to the friendship and calling them out on it as a good friend would and should.

 

[zoebartlett]

Mere -- I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been there too and it sucks. I don't have any other advice other than what was given already but I hope your friends step up more.

 

[stephbolt]

Isn't what you're saying one in the same. If they are brushing aside girls' night, over and over, doesn't that mean that they are brushing aside the friendship?
I will mention making it monthly instead of weekly. Maybe we can go out to dinner instead of going to someone's home to eat and watch tv.

I see how from your perspective they are similar, but my point was that when they brush off girls night, they might have a lot of other factors they are thinking about besides seeing you. But based on some of the other info you offered, that you've tried to make plans with them other times, etc., these might be friendships that have just run their course as far as spending a great deal of time together regularly. It sucks but it is a fact of life and the combo of moving plus having a baby may be too much.

I really like NEL's suggestion to try and bridge things with them.

 

[Shoopy]

Mere-to be honest, I would feel a little hurt too especially since it's not an inconvenience to them to have you hang out with them. You make the trip every week.

Before sending an email to one girl saying that you are feeling down, I would send an email out to the group asking if you all can plan something for the weekend. Perhaps they just think that you can't go out on the weekend or aren't available any other day. If you plan something other than the show, maybe that will send the hint that you can hang out with them whenever. And when you all do hang out, you can mention how it's really fun seeing them and how you hope you guys can continue to hang out that way even if it's not related to the show.

I've been the childless one in friendships before and it is easy to make the assumption that the new mom just doesn't have the time or isn't willing to make the time. Let them know you are available by planning something.

And if that doesn't work, then chat with your closest and most trusted friend from the group.

My fear w/ sending the email you want to send is that, as it happens in many groups, the message may be twisted when it is repeated throughout the group and it most likely will be discussed.

 

[Haven]

Before reaching out to the closest friend to express your hurt, I would probably send an email to all of them stating that I'd noticed interest in the Monday night girls' night waning and how much I missed seeing all of them regularly. I'd then ask if another day works better for them or if every other week made things easier so that the group could still meet regularly. That way they all feel included and know how much you miss spending Monday nights with them.

ETA: I forgot to say that I'm sorry this is happening--I think every girl knows how nice a girls' night is, I can imagine they become even more important post-kids!

This sounds like a really good idea. I would start with this angle.

I would feel hurt, too, and I'm sorry you're going through this.

Do you talk about your child a lot when you're with the ladies? I have a similar group of girlfriends, we all met through our husbands, and when the first one had her child she did nothing but talk about him when we were together. As the rest of us were non-parents, it sort of made our friendships with her fizzle out because we no longer had anything to talk about with her. I am NOT saying that you only talk about your child, but just bringing this up as a possible reason for their sudden distance. I can imagine being consumed by thoughts of your child, especially when he is young and you are a new mommy, and it's unfortunate if that creates distance between friends, but sometimes it does.

Whatever happens, I hope you figure this out and your girls night gets reinstated!

 

[meresal]

You gals are great. Thank you so much for the advice.

Based on your idea, I sent a generic email to all 3 of the girls, though one of them is a newbie and I'm not really close with, like one of you said, if I leave even one person out it will get taken out of context and run thru the ringer. I told them that it seems they are all really busy right now, but that I really miss spending time with them, and then listed a couple different options that might work, as far as it being easier for everyone to make time to get together. Monthly, every other week, etc.

Haven, I don't talk about my son at all. Being with these girls is like my "mental health" evening! If anything I am probably kinda boring since I don't really have much to talk about. lol

Fiery, thanks for chiming in. After thinking about it, the "not-being-invited-to-weekend-activities" really wouldn't bother me, if they didn't cancel for our girls' night. I completely understand assuming that a mom wouldn'r be able to, but I thought you stopped asking "after" the person turned down a few requests. Ya know?

Steph- I completely understand what you mean now. I guess since this is the only time I ever see them, I just assumed part of it was to spend time with me. lol. I'm really not usually that narrow minded. Geeze louise... that is bad.
However, that is how I see it when I go to see "them". I don't go for the show, I go to see and catch up with my friends that I don't get to see anymore.

Thank you Zoe.

Megumic, thanks for the advice. I kind of switched up what you said to do. I sent a regular email about girls' night, and if things don't get better, then I will send the email about how I feel like we are drifting apart and so on. Like you said, letting them try and fix it before throwing the deep stuff down, might be the best bet.

NEL- Thank you for the idea, I agree that it is the best way to go about it. I really hope that it comes across as just one friend trying to spend more time with the other friends, and not as me being mad with them.
In all actuality I am kind of past mad. I am dealing with hurt, and ready to be done with it.
For our girls' night, my DH has to go into work early, in order to leave early, in order to make it home and take over baby duty, for me to get down there and meet the girl's. So when they cancel the day of, I feel really bad for not only missing out on girls' night but then I have to tell my husband that he left got to work at 6am for no reason at all. It just is getting to the point that it isn't worth it.

 

[Kaleigh]

No smacking from me... You are a wonderful person, and it's hard for you to get away. BUT you do put in the effort to do so... I would let them know you enjoy this time, but perhaps let them know when they cancel, it's hard for you as you schedule things around this so you can meet up...

Would they be willing to come to your house?? Or meet half way at a restaurant??

Being the only one with a kid, it's hard. I was the first of my friends to have a baby, and remember feeling how you are feeling... So a big hug!!!!

 

[somethingshiny]

I'm glad you're trying to communicate with them about this. I hope that you can get it figured out. I've known lots of people who are almost afraid to hang out with me once I became a mom. Later, one of them mentioned that she no longer felt "good enough" to be my friend because she couldn't relate to what was going on with me anymore.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I think the email you sent sounds perfect--it includes all of them, lets them know you miss them and gives multiple options so there is some flexibility. Let us know how this turns out, hopefully the regular meetings will get back on track.