Friends who undermine your parenting

[YadaYadaYada]

Lately I started hanging out with a neighbor of ours and last night our family met their family downtown for an event.

My ten year old son complained he was thirsty so I told him I would get him some water in a few minutes since we were probably going to get ice cream. The neighbor, K, offers water in a bottle she has ( refillable plastic water bottle with a straw) that "nobody has touched", I say thanks but decline and tell her he can wait a few minutes. She again offers and I say, no thanks then we walk a few minutes (crowded event hard to hear each other at times) and I catch her asking my son if he wants the water she has. He declined because we have a rule that if a bottle isn't sealed you don't drink from it, it's really just so that they get into the habit of not exchanging germs, nothing personal against them specifically.

Later on we are at the green, there is a statue with flowers around it and cannons which her kids immediately climbed on. So she starts encouraging my kids to climb on so she can take a picture. I tell her, no my kids are not climbing on that, it's a memorial, she disagrees but then proceeds to have a conversation with my three year old that he can't get s picture or climb onto the cannon because mommy said no. He wasn't even asking to sit on it and why are we even having a discussion about this? Mom says no, that's it, no need to engage in a discussion (especially with a three year old).

I don't think I'm an uptight prissy pants but even so, they are not her kids and they are not in her house.

Has someone ever undermined your parenting and how did you handle it?

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

I would have probably left.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

I left after the cannon thing, I was extremely annoyed. Prior to that the kids were having fun so I didn't want to ruin their good time.

 

[Austina]

Very wrong of her to do that, if a parent says no, that's it. If a child asks, then you say "if it's ok with your mummy" but to undermine you like that is just not acceptable. IF you do go out with them again, then I think she needs to understand and accept the way you do things, or to me, it wouldn't be worth the hassle.

 

[monarch64]

She sounds like someone who doesn't understand how to behave in public and is raising her kids to not know any better, either.

When I figure out that I don't care for someone as a parent or friend, nor care for their offspring and the way they are allowed to behave, they aren't in my life. I don't make a big deal of it, I just move on.

 

[azstonie]

She's a Boundary buster, no mas for her!

 

[SMC]

Grandparents do it all the time with my daughter. I say "no popsicle until after dinner" and I turn around, and she's happily slurping away. She doesn't see her grandparents that often so I'm usually ok with it.

I would be more annoyed if my friends did that with my child though, and I'd probably say something to them along the lines of "I'm the parent and I'll parent my child my way, thank you."

 

[OoohShiny]

I don't get the avoiding germs thing as I'm completely anti- about these "Kills 99.99999% of all known bacteria!!!1!" cleaning products lol, but I would agree that her behaviour seems to not be in accordance with your parenting principles.

Perhaps she wants kids to like her, even when it is bad for the kid(s) to always get what they want?

She might lack confidence to say no because she's worried kids won't like her - I don't have kids but I know I am far too lenient with kids that are friends/relatives for that reason

 

[YadaYadaYada]

I don't get the avoiding germs thing as I'm completely anti- about these "Kills 99.99999% of all known bacteria!!!1!" cleaning products lol, but I would agree that her behaviour seems to not be in accordance with your parenting principles.

Perhaps she wants kids to like her, even when it is bad for the kid(s) to always get what they want?

She might lack confidence to say no because she's worried kids won't like her - I don't have kids but I know I am far too lenient with kids that are friends/relatives for that reason

I agree with you about the anti-bacterial bandwagon, I'm not one of those that does the soap and the Lysol and all of that stuff. My kids hardly ever get sick and her kids are sick a lot so that's part of it. Also sharing cups with people outside of immediate family (even that is rare) is just gross to me, someone has a cold sore and uses a cup and shares with my kid then they get it. So I've just tried to reinforce no sharing of cups, apparently it has worked, he politely declined.

It's unfortunate because our husbands get along well, the kids get along pretty well but she is just in some sort of need of control.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Austina, I think our outings will be rare anyways, they go out without their children a lot and we always have ours so I don't see us getting together a lot anyways. I agree though, I always ask the parents for permission, it's just what you do.

Monarch, amen to all that! This is the second go around with these neighbors as we had a falling out years ago over a much more serious situation. It seems she is the permissive parenting type, probably isn't going to work with our parenting style. No big deal, despite venting here I'm not a confrontational person so I'll just let it go but not make an effort to hang out.

Azstonie, couldn't have said it better.

SMC, it must be in the grandparent handbook right? Yeah it is a different rule book with friends though, you worry about yours, I'll worry about mine.

 

[baby monster]

If it's a close relative or friend, I'd have a discussion on why they are going against my parenting wishes/philosophy. For a neighbor, I'd just limit contact going forward to eliminate friction and you seem to be leaning that way already. Your husband can have a separate friendship with the neighbor's husband without your participation.

 

[FeFeV]

It seems like she doesn't understand nor respect that other parenting styles (besides her own) exist. She needs to respect general boundaries and take an introspective account of her social behavior with other parents and their children. I encounter SO MANY dog owners like this too... It burns me up for people to be self-righteous caregivers. My husband has no chill about putting people in their place if they critique or undermine our dog-parenting.

**Not to compare children and pets. Although I'm only a fur Mommy, I've had similar experiences.

 

[FeFeV]

I don't get the avoiding germs thing as I'm completely anti- about these "Kills 99.99999% of all known bacteria!!!1!" cleaning products lol, but I would agree that her behaviour seems to not be in accordance with your parenting principles.

Perhaps she wants kids to like her, even when it is bad for the kid(s) to always get what they want?

She might lack confidence to say no because she's worried kids won't like her - I don't have kids but I know I am far too lenient with kids that are friends/relatives for that reason

SAME and +1 to everything you said!

 

[yennyfire]

First, I have to say that I adore your avatar photo!! Look at those precious pups, staring at the camera (probably at YOU) so attentively!! Adorable!

As for permissive parenting, it seems to be everywhere. I've been dealing with it since my oldest was about 2 and two acquaintances and I were all potty training. They thought nothing of letting their sons whip it out in the front yard whenever they had to go, while I wanted my son to go inside to the bathroom. After all, it wasn't like we live in the wilderness and there was no bathroom available. They thought seeing their kid pee on the mailbox was hysterical....me, not so much. At what age did they tell their child that was no longer appropriate?? Can you imagine saying "it was cute when you were 2, 3, 4, but at 12, you could be arrested for indecent exposure"??? Ugh!

Now, with my 10 year old daughter, we have a situation with the neighborhood girls. There are 7 of them in the hood, and 4 of them have similar values to ours. The other 3, not so much. They tend to all play together after school. They come ring the doorbell and it's hard to turn them away when there are already a group of girls here. In my opinion, no 10 year old needs Snapchat, Instagram, and to be wearing heels and makeup (and a push up bra, when she needs no bra at all!) to school (or at all!). We've been having lots of conversations in our house about how their parents make the rules for them and we make the rules for you. My daughter isn't happy about it, but she knows that we aren't going to budge and she's stopped arguing so much.

Clearly, these parents want to be their child's friend and not their parent. Believe me, I don't like being the heavy all of the time, but in the long run, I know it's the right thing to do.

If it were me, I'd not encourage this relationship and hopefully, it will dwindle away on it's own, especially since you mentioned an earlier (more serious) incident from the past....

 

[House Cat]

We do avoid germs. I have an immunocompromised son. I also have an obsessive brain that can really get into the germ subject with you if you want, but the thought of a semi-known human sharing their MOUTH bacteria with MY CHILD is enough to make me faint. Herpes is spread that way, thank you.

People who do not respect my boundaries do not get my time. Having "a talk" with them only proves to be fruitless because they always tell me how overly sensitive I am or how they were just.......! Which is more disrespectful and undermining behavior.

I could get all shitty with the person, and I have, but that always heaps loads of guilt onto me.

I have learned now to identify and discard. I will never be so lonely that I need someone like that in my life.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Babymonster, you make a good point about the husbands, it seems though that she always tags along so her DH never really gets any man time. Or if they do make plans, she tries to make plans with me to entertain her but I'm just happy to have a night to watch my shows you know? No need to hangout all the time.

FeFe, pets and kids have a lot in common, more than you would think at times. Not to bad mouth her but the fact is she likes to drink, like I think it may be a problem, so she either is not aware she is inappropriate or doesn't care or both. It is annoying though and I'm sure it is also annoying when other doggie friends act like this.

Thanks Yenny! Bacon is the secret to a group dog photo, seriously I don't think I could hold their attention otherwise!

Omg the bathroom thing It's funny because I've had friends in the past that thought nothing of letting their son pee on a tree at the park and told mine to do the same. Um, no, we aren't dogs (no offense to dogs).

Parents wanting to be friends, guess it's more common now but not in this house. After what you wrote about the girls I think I'm glad I have two boys, at least that eliminates the make-up and bra issues

 

[House Cat]

And StephanieLynn,

If all else fails, you could always resort to the good old fashioned bitch slap.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Housecat! Thank you, spreading of herpes is what I was trying to say up there, we (you especially with an immune compromised kiddo) are the first line of defense for our kids.

 

[monarch64]

Just popping in to say no way would I let my child drink after someone else. Mono/strep throat/herpes? No thanks. I had mono in high school after sharing a drink at the gym with a friend after a workout. I was out for weeks, in the hospital for 3 days, and missed a ton of schoolwork, not to mention the fatigue that lasted for years and years afterwards.

Look, my kid gets to play in dirt, help with gardening, we don't use the hand sanitizer stuff, just wash hands thoroughly when it's time to come in or before we eat. I'm no germaphobe, but I try to exercise common sense based on experience when it comes to spreading illnesses.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

I had mono in high school too, must be a right of passage. However I didn't get mine from sharing a cup but from the worst kiss of my life! Talk about not worth it!

 

[arkieb1]

I would have interrupted her and said I'm the parent here when she said your child could climb on the cannons and so if I say no I mean no, and politely pointed out to her that I don't deal with people undermining any parenting rules that I have. I used to be a school teacher many eons ago when I use my scary get the hell off something yelling voice kids scatter and the parents are shocked that a little person has such a big voice the kids actually listen too.....

 

[yennyfire]

Thanks Yenny! Bacon is the secret to a group dog photo, seriously I don't think I could hold their attention otherwise!

Omg the bathroom thing It's funny because I've had friends in the past that thought nothing of letting their son pee on a tree at the park and told mine to do the same. Um, no, we aren't dogs (no offense to dogs).

Parents wanting to be friends, guess it's more common now but not in this house. After what you wrote about the girls I think I'm glad I have two boys, at least that eliminates the make-up and bra issues

Bacon!! The key to success! I'll have to try that! Yes, I'm finding (so far), that boys are easier than girls. They get over things faster, are more inclusive, less judgemental, etc. I love your comment about your son not being a dog!

 

[YadaYadaYada]

You know the bacon might work on the kids too!

Seriously the lack of standards are really bringing this country down and it starts with the parents. Kids these days (sound old now lol!) don't have respect for their own parents so how are they to have respect for property or really anything else?

Arkieb1 I really admire that you aren't afraid to speak up, I think it she had kept it up I would have had to be more assertive. Part of this was giving her another chance because people
can change but obviously that isn't the case here.

 

[LLJsmom]

Last time I am hanging around that parent.

 

[azstonie]

Get "The Gift of Fear"by Gavin de Becker ---library, used bookstore. Read the material on grooming.

Your neighbor disrespecting your boundaries and your parental authority --->This may have been a prod on her part to see if you yourself or your son will submit to grooming. She tried with you both individually. You must assert yourself, SL. No apologizing or wavering. Firm.

 

[luv2sparkle]

I totally agree with everything you said. I would not want to share germs with another family. Kids pick up germs and incubate them and you have no idea. Those kids could come down with strep three days from now and your little ones would have been exposed. No thank you. I would never never undermine a parent. I would not undermine my daughter and son in law. What they say goes and that is it. My in-laws did the same thing. It really didn't matter what I said and it made me nuts. They were undermined by their parents. Well, that stops right here. I will not ever do that. If that mom doesn't like it, tough darts.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

AZ, I'm familiar with grooming from a sexual abuse standpoint but I had no idea it could be used outside of that. I'm proud of my son, he stuck to his guns and didn't give in, gives me hope that he wouldn't just taker orders from an adult even if it seems wrong you know? I will definitely check that book out though. Going to have to put some big girl panties on from here on out.

Thanks luv2sparkle, yeah the in-law undermining I don't have to worry about and have never dealt thankfully but it must have been infuriating.

 

[junebug17]

Ugh Stephanie, this woman sounds really controlling and annoying! I totally agree on not wanting my kid to drink from someone else's cup or straw or whatever. Honestly that's gross It's great your son didn't go along with her, good for him for not being intimidated by her! I'd probably just avoid doing things with her from now on. If it was a relative or close friend maybe I'd say something, but in this case I don't think I'd bother opening up that can of worms.

 

[azstonie]

Grooming isnt only for pedophiles, it can also be for control or to just create chaos btw or in other relationships (you and your son, for example).

I was alarmed at her multiple attempts with you and your *son.* That is very alarming and it's also alarming she overtly tried it on your son *in.your.presence.*

 

[House Cat]

You know the bacon might work on the kids too!

Seriously the lack of standards are really bringing this country down and it starts with the parents. Kids these days (sound old now lol!) don't have respect for their own parents so how are they to have respect for property or really anything else?

Arkieb1 I really admire that you aren't afraid to speak up, I think it she had kept it up I would have had to be more assertive. Part of this was giving her another chance because people
can change but obviously that isn't the case here.

No Stephanie, people don't change.

I know, I know, I sound so cynical!!! There, hearts and love. Now, for the real talk...

People with certain personality traits don't change. They stay exactly the same. If they ever experience some kind of extreme event in their life that may motivate them to WANT to change, they will have to exert a gargantuan amount of effort to make a very small amount of change. And I always question how sustainable that change really is because if you get these people in situations where they are overly stressed, those undesirable traits come out in an instant!

I know...cynical. I have been around the block with people who have ingrained personality issues who really wanted to change...for a while.


You have a good heart. My hope is that you will find people who value your sweet nature. They can come in the form of equally sweet natured people or protective people who will stand in front of a fire for you. These predator types can go drink from a dirty water fountain at the state fair!