Wedding Friend''s situation...Opinions?

[Mayflower25]

Hello Ladies!

I have a situation to run by all of you, and I''d like your honest opinions. It doesn''t have to do with MY wedding party/planning (thank goodness) but it involves one of my girlfriends. She discussed the issue with me, in hopes of getting some advice on what to do. Instead, we ended up at opposite sides of the argument. Here it goes:

My good friend, lets call her "Lucy", was asked to be a bridesmaid in her best friend "Sarah''s" wedding. This is Sarah''s first wedding, but second time being engaged. Sarah is having a destination wedding in Mexico with less than 50 guests. She currently has two bridesmaids (I''m not sure if she''s adding, its a small wedding, so I''m assuming not). Sarah also intends to use her the dress she purchased for engagement #1, and hopes for her bridesmaids to use the dresses they previously purchased. Lastly, the wedding isn''t until late Spring ''09.

Issue #1: Lucy was not a bridesmaid in the first wedding, therefore she may have to buy or borrow a dress from one of the previous bridesmaids. Sarah has offered to contact one of her previous bridesmaids to see if the dress can A) be borrowed or B) purchased. The dress would be less than $200.

Issue #2: Lucy is concerned about the cost of travelling to the wedding and accomodations for four days. She told me that it would be too expensive, even if she rooms with another guest. Sarah says that Lucy won''t have to worry about spending for any of her food or entertainment, as it will be covered.

Lucy''s Response to the situation: Lucy thinks that since Sarah''s family and FI are quite well off, that they should be paying for her accomodations and/or flight. She thinks that $200 is too much to spend on a dress for her best friend''s wedding, and wants to tell Sarah that she cannot be there. She stated that if she was going to spend X amount, she''d rather spend it on a personal vacation with friends rather than on a wedding (!!?!?!?!?).

My Response to the situation: I find that Issue #1 is a bit awkward, but I think that since Sarah is handling it, that its not a terrible amount of trouble for Lucy. Issue #2: I''m actually quite peeved at Lucy''s attitude. She doesn''t have a full-time job with regular hours, and she''s awful about saving money (she chooses to do neither). However, she always manages to max out her credit card on expensive clothes and her parents bail her out on a regular basis. Lucy''s parents are not poor by any means, and in fact they''ve conditioned their daughter to be accustomed to a very cushy lifestyle. Needless to say, she has plenty of dresses in the $200 range already, and I don''t think that this would be a stretch. I pointed out to her that she doesn''t need to be there for the full 4 days, so she could save some hotel room money there, and that she likely wouldn''t have to get them a large gift (if anything at all), since she''d be travelling to be apart of their wedding. I told her to let Sarah know that finances would be a limiting factor in her being able to participate in the wedding. That way, Sarah would have the opportunity to help with the costs if she felt inclined to do so.

I guess my biggest thing is the lack of support for Sarah. I have sympathy for her, especially since I''m going through the wedding planning process myself. Lucy has this "what''s in it for me?" attitude, and she indignant that she should be expected to pay for some part of the trip. The wedding is also several months off, so I''m shocked that she''d be writing off participating so quickly and with such little effort/research. Luckily, I have my sisters as my bridesmaids and they understand and support their responsibilities (and me).

Overall, this makes me question what kind of "friend" Lucy really is to me, even as one of her good friends. If these are her attitudes and values towards her best friend, then what do I have to gain from the friendship? Am I making too harsh of a judgement? I believe that i can be critical at times, but I tend to be extremely generous with my friends, so its hard for me to say.

Thanks in advance for all of your opinions!

 

[purrfectpear]

Lucy sounds like a little witch and I think poor Sarah completely misjudged when she thought Lucy would be the right person to act as a BM.

Honestly at this point I would encourage Lucy to bow out (as she seems to want to anyway) because I think you''d be doing Sarah a real favor in the long run.

Yep, I''d be questioning Lucy''s potential as a true friend (one who can be depended on in thick and thin) after what you''ve heard from her about her BFF''s wedding.

 

[Shoopy]

In response to issue #2 (as I am also thinking of doing a DW).

Her spending habits have nothing to do with anything to be honest. When you do a DW, it is expected that some people are going to be turned off with the idea of spending the money to go. Others, will take it as an opportunity to travel. If we do a DW, I will pay for my best friend and her husband''s accommodations and flight...but she flat out refused the offer and insisted that she would pay for herself. People are different.

If she feels that she can''t afford it or doesn''t want to, then that is her choice and that is Sarah''s risk for having a DW. JMO

 

[Mayflower25]

purrfectpear: I think you''re right about encouraging her to decline now. I imagine there might be other wedding-related commitments down the road that she might not be able to meet. Thanks!

 

[miraclesrule]

Well, first off, Congratulations on your engagement and upcoming wedding!!

Secondly, if Lucy doesn''t want to or can''t afford to participate in Sarah''s wedding, then she should politely and graciously tell Sarah that she is flattered to be asked to be part of her wedding, but that after careful consideration she just doesn''t think she can commit to the expense.

Being asked to be a BM can be an honor, but it can also be a lot to ask of a person. I don''t think that any friend/Bride has a right to "expect" anyone to accept unconditionally, especially a destination wedding. Analyzing Lucy''s finances and ability to assume the costs of a destination wedding is a bit disturbing to me actually.

I don''t have a lot of advice for you as to your concern with her friendship. There are many types of friendships and many ways to be supportive in one.

I also think it''s bizarre to call up a former BM to ask to buy her dress off her for a new BM from a previously planned wedding. If I were Lucy I would feel extremely awkward about that. If I were Sarah, I wouldn''t even imagine doing such a thing. Wierd. Maybe it''s just me...but that is odd to say the least.

If I were you, I would let them work it out and concentrate on your wedding planning.

 

[Mayflower25]

Fieryred- I definitely see your perspective on this. To some people, too much money is the issue, regardless of the cause. She did state, however, that she''d rather spend the money on the same trip for herself, instead of going for the wedding. I feel like that''s a tad hypocritical (plus it would likely be more expensive to go w/o the wedding).

That''s fantastic that you''re willing to pay for your best friend. I would certainly help my BFF with the costs if she were hard pressed for money. It may be that Sarah didn''t think out the details thoroughly, and I''m sure there are ways to negotiate to get Lucy there.

thanks!

 

[luckystar112]

Are you writing about my wedding, and is Lucy my "best" friend?

Seriously...Lucy sounds so much like my former best friend. My (destination) wedding was the last straw, and I've since decided to cut her out of my life.

I agree AND disagree with fieryred. When planning a DW you have to be realistic about who will be able to afford to go, and sometimes that means people that are close to you won't be there. However, I DO think that her spending habits say a LOT about her priorities and how much the friendship means to her. Chances are that Sarah already knows what a selfish flake Lucy is, and I doubt she'll be surprised if Lucy tells her she won't go. Even when I was planning a wedding at home I had a feeling that my "best" friend of 10 years would approach me with her financial woes--and she did. I told the story in another thread. She called me for my debit card number to order her BM dress (I had offered to pay for it after she told me she was strapped for cash), and in the same phone call she told me she was headed to the mall.

I don't think it's any brides obligation to pay for anything for her BMs...especially with the wedding being so far away. I think that most brides today DO try to help their BMs out with the costs (hair, make-up, dress, whatever). But expecting your bride to cover all the costs associated with the wedding while you're doing nothing to help yourself? Um NO.

Granted, I am picturing Lucy to be a LOT like my BF, so my opinion could be tainted. For all I know Lucy isn't near as bad as my BF. But to me, Sarah's offer of food and entertainment is good enough, IMO. I know that Harleigh had a DW and helped her BMs out by putting some money towards their airfare. If Sarah offers something like that, great. But as a bridesmaid I sure as hell wouldn't expect it or ask for it.

The personal vacation comment is just ridiculous to me. That pretty much sums up my friend's attitude as well. I've been married for a month and three days and I haven't so much as gotten a phone call from her to see how the wedding went. If Lucy is anything like my friend, then I would say, yes, you (and Sarah) are wasting your time with her. But again, I may be biased due to my own circumstances.

ETA:
I couldn't imagine missing my best friend's wedding, no matter what the cost. If given a notice like that I would do whatever I could to make the money. It sucks when you realize that your best friend doesn't have the same priorities about your own wedding!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I myself had bridesmaid issues when I was planning my wedding. It was really hard to cope with, and handling it can be even more challanging.

I think Lucy is being difficult. Maybe on purpose (perhaps jealousy?) or maybe accidently. But either way, she is making things harder than they need to be. You should be perfectly honest with Lucy and lay it out. Tell her exactly what you posted. You''ll feel better being honest with her, and it may give Lucy the flip side of the coin --- and at least force her to take a good, long hard look at how she is "coming off" to people. You can say anything in such a way that comes off kind and gentle...but at the same time making the message pretty clear.

If Lucy is stretching so hard to come up with reasons "why not" than prehaps its better she "not". People that go into situations with negative attitudes tend to sour the situations for everyone...and clearly Lucy is being salty. I''m positive Sarah would rather NOT have Lucy as part of the wedding than put up with a bad bridesmaid.

It seems that Sarah is making efforts to make the cost easier on her guests (reusing dresses and such). I''m sure if it is just a "money thing" for Lucy she could easily voice that to Sarah--and who knows what kind of compromise they could come to. But unless Lucy is willing to confront her hesitations with Sarah, no one will ever know.

However, with the above said...I think it goes beyond money ... maybe jealousy at her two friends getting married while she can''t even manage a full time job or bank account

. I hardly believe that if the money issue could be cleared up that would be Lucy''s last "bit*h" about being a bridesmaid in this destination wedding. I mean seriously...if she could just a pitance away monthly by Spring she could afford to travel....

But whatever may come from this situations, I wish you and Sarah the best as you embark upon planning.

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 7/28/2008 6:19:05 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I myself had bridesmaid issues when I was planning my wedding. It was really hard to cope with, and handling it can be even more challanging.

I think Lucy is being difficult. Maybe on purpose (perhaps jealousy?) or maybe accidently. But either way, she is making things harder than they need to be. You should be perfectly honest with Lucy and lay it out. Tell her exactly what you posted. You''ll feel better being honest with her, and it may give Lucy the flip side of the coin --- and at least force her to take a good, long hard look at how she is ''coming off'' to people. You can say anything in such a way that comes off kind and gentle...but at the same time making the message pretty clear.

If Lucy is stretching so hard to come up with reasons ''why not'' than prehaps its better she ''not''. People that go into situations with negative attitudes tend to sour the situations for everyone...and clearly Lucy is being salty. I''m positive Sarah would rather NOT have Lucy as part of the wedding than put up with a bad bridesmaid.

It seems that Sarah is making efforts to make the cost easier on her guests (reusing dresses and such). I''m sure if it is just a ''money thing'' for Lucy she could easily voice that to Sarah--and who knows what kind of compromise they could come to. But unless Lucy is willing to confront her hesitations with Sarah, no one will ever know.

However, with the above said...I think it goes beyond money ... maybe jealousy at her two friends getting married while she can''t even manage a full time job or bank account

. I hardly believe that if the money issue could be cleared up that would be Lucy''s last ''bit*h'' about being a bridesmaid in this destination wedding. I mean seriously...if she could just a pitance away monthly by Spring she could afford to travel....

But whatever may come from this situations, I wish you and Sarah the best as you embark upon planning.

totally agree with this!

 

[HollyS]

Date: 7/28/2008 5:44:28 PM
Author: miraclesrule
Well, first off, Congratulations on your engagement and upcoming wedding!!

Secondly, if Lucy doesn''t want to or can''t afford to participate in Sarah''s wedding, then she should politely and graciously tell Sarah that she is flattered to be asked to be part of her wedding, but that after careful consideration she just doesn''t think she can commit to the expense.

Being asked to be a BM can be an honor, but it can also be a lot to ask of a person. I don''t think that any friend/Bride has a right to ''expect'' anyone to accept unconditionally, especially a destination wedding. Analyzing Lucy''s finances and ability to assume the costs of a destination wedding is a bit disturbing to me actually.

I don''t have a lot of advice for you as to your concern with her friendship. There are many types of friendships and many ways to be supportive in one.

I also think it''s bizarre to call up a former BM to ask to buy her dress off her for a new BM from a previously planned wedding. If I were Lucy I would feel extremely awkward about that. If I were Sarah, I wouldn''t even imagine doing such a thing. Wierd. Maybe it''s just me...but that is odd to say the least.

If I were you, I would let them work it out and concentrate on your wedding planning.

I have to agree.

 

[Haven]

Using a former bridesmaid''s dress is a bit odd to me, but I''m all for recycling so if they can work it out, good for them.

It sounds like Lucy doesn''t believe that Sarah''s wedding is worth the expense. I''m not in the business of counting other people''s money, so I don''t think it matters how much she has or spends on a regular basis. If she doesn''t feel that Sarah''s wedding is worth the expense, then she should graciously bow out now. While this might feel hurtful to Sarah, they will both be better off in the long run.

As for your friendship with Lucy, all I can share is what I would do, which is give her the benefit of the doubt. I think it would be easy to assume from your post that Lucy is not a quality person, but surely that can''t be the whole picture because she is, after all, your friend. Allow her interactions with you to dictate how you feel towards her, not her dilemma with another friend. People say things and behave in ways that are not always characteristic of their character when they are feeling stressed or uncomfortable.

Good luck!

 

[Mayflower25]

LuckyStar & ITH,

Thanks much! I think you both hit on top of the nail. Although I''m very sorry that you both had to endure difficult friends/bm''s during such an important time. This problem certainly does go beyond money. Lucy is always Jonesing for more than she has or can afford on her own. She''s a sweet girl with good intentions, but her priorities are a mess. For example I often get uncomfortable because she''s always asking me how much my clothes are and where they''re from. She then tells her boyfriend to buy her the same thing (right in front of my FI and me, mind you). This seems absurd to be because I have a FT job that I''ve worked very hard to get, and I can buy what I please (w/o asking my FI for the money).

LuckyStar- Lucy does sound an awful lot like your ex-BF. A strong sense of entitlement with a lack of common sense or social graces. That''s AMAZING

that she called for your CC number while headed to the mall!! I probably would have insisted I be there just so I''d know where the money was going

.

Disclaimer: I''m realizing that it sounds like I may not like Lucy very much, but that''s not true. We don''t have a ton in common, but she''s generally a very nice girl with good intentions. She doesn''t make the best decisions, but I do my best to steer her in directions that might help her be successful/happy. I''m quite feminine, but don''t have very many girlfiends and Lucy is very much a girl''s-girl, which can make being her friend a challenge at times (they dynamics are a bit foreign to me, I''m very much a guy''s girl!!). I''m also not someone that says "no" to making friends. Anyway, I put a lot of effort into the friendships I choose to maintain I hope that explains a bit!

 

[Independent Gal]

It sounds like they are not particularly close. Otherwise, why the switch of bridesmaids?

Frankly, Lucy can spend her money on anything she wants, and it sounds like she is already spending more than she has. That doesn''t mean ''Oh, so she can spend even more then.'' It means, she should stop spending.

And frankly, I''d be seriously pissed if my friend asked me to spend $200 on a second hand dress taken back from a rejected bridesmaid, that I probably wouldn''t like, so that I could look matchy and fade into the background of her wedding photos. But my friends and I have slightly unconventional views about such things, and thankfully, none of us would even suggest it (though I know it''s kind of normal).

The bottom line is, if your friend wouldn''t go to the end of the earth to be in this other person''s wedding, it means they aren''t close enough for her to be in the wedding, so she should just decline.

Maybe I''m a little sensitive on the subject right now because my friend just announced her big blow-out PARIS wedding! And she seriously expects that all her friends are going to spend $5K to go to her wedding. I don''t think so.

 

[Mayflower25]

Haven- Thanks, your response was well stated

. I think the bridesmaid''s dress situation is a bit weird as well, but figure if Sarah is willing to bear the weight of asking, then it generally works out for the best of the group. Also, RE: money, I''m not a numbers or money person, but Lucy tells me a LOT about it. Generally, I figure if there''s a will, there''s a way... I''ll let her figure that one out.

As for your friendship with Lucy, all I can share is what I would do, which is give her the benefit of the doubt.
Yup. I''m trying my best to do this. I''ll just have to wait and see what happens

!

 

[cara]

The dress issue is weird but could hopefully be resolved.

On the issue of travel costs, if Lucy doesn''t have or doesn''t choose to spend the money for travel, it is her decision and she should politely decline the honor. Sarah should politely accept her decision. Some hosts of destination weddings choose to pay for certain important guests to attend, but if they do not they must accept that not all guests may choose to attend. Lucy should not demand or expect a free trip, and Sarah should not balk if Lucy chooses not to come.

Of course, at some level, we judge our friends based on their actions and their priorities and it affects our friendships and that is as it should be. Certainly what Lucy said about spending the money on a personal vacation rather than a wedding is harsh, but I do prioritize going to weddings at this point in my life, balanced a bit by fitting in vacations on the side.

Just went to a lovely wedding on the beach in SoCal. Didn''t know a soul outside of the bride and groom and my husband. Husband and I had a lovely time vacationing for two days in the area, and I would have had a hard time justifying the expense if the wedding were in a less pleasant location. Just food for thought if Sarah''s destination wedding location isn''t Lucy''s cup of tea. Could be a long weekend in close quarters with people she doesn''t know.

 

[Mayflower25]

Independent Gal - The last sentence of your post had me shaking my head! Now THAT''s a demanding wedding! LOL. Maybe its one of those times where a DW paired with a local reception would be appropriate?

Re: Spending - Stopping spending would be a good place to start. By no means am I saying "well, you''re already in, so why not go deeper?". Rather, its a matter of priorities.

I''m not going to comment on the dress situation in detal

. Suffice to say, its not something I approve of, or would personally impose upon my bridesmaids, but Sarah''s not really the focal subject anyway

 

[peridot83]

I sympathize that it''s HARD when good friends or best friends don''t come through. I''ve always been the type who gets disappointed by such things (i.e. my good friends not showing up to my birthday, going away party etc.).

It sounds like Lucy, either:

1. Doesn''t think weddings are a "big deal"
2. Is selfish
3. Is not 1/2 as close to Sarah as everyone (including Sarah) believes.

Now if you''re thinking of having Lucy as a bridesmaid, I''d have serious doubts because of items 1 & 2.

Otherwise, why do you care? if Lucy''s always pulled through for you before, she probably just doesn''t think weddings are a big fuss, it doesn''t mean she''s NOT a good friend or wouldn''t come through if you had a death in the family, your car brokedown etc.

Onto whether you should judge someone on their spending priorties, I don''t know if you SHOULD but i do all the time: kind of like when someone buys a $300 new dress to go to someone''s wedding & then complain about giving more than $50 as a gift.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Lucy should be able to spend her money however she wants and not have it dictated by someone else, even a close friend. Whether she can afford it or not is really not important. It's either worth it to her to spend the money to be in the wedding or not.


That being said, she should not expect Sarah to pick up the tab. Sarah asked her to be in the wedding, and Lucy should decline if it's not worth it to her... not ask for money. I'd advise you to tell Lucy that if she doesn't want to spend the money on the trip, then graciously decline the invitation to be a bridesmaid, but don't expect or hint at Sarah to pick up the tab just because her parents have money. It's time to be grown-ups!


The year after college and the year after grad school also happened to be big wedding years for my friends. I made things work, but I honestly didn't spend ANY money on myself during those times as I was in several weddings and unemployed. I would be afraid to add up the amount of wedding related expenses in the last six years of my life honestly. I chose to spend the money on my friends, but nobody would have had the right to judge me for not wanting to spend the money if I had chosen not to.


I know looking at her interaction with Sarah can make you question Lucy's feelings on your friendship, but every friendship is different. I know that I feel differently about some of my friends than others, so just judge your friendship based on what Lucy has said and done to you.

 

[Shoopy]

Luckystar- Everything you said made sense to me

I know that with our DW (if we go that route), I''m having one MOH and that is it. It''s difficult to ask people to spend the money to go...its even more difficult to ask someone to be part of the bridal party which pretty much makes paying for the trip an obligation.

I think all of the responses are valid, that she may be jealous AND that she may think weddings aren''t a big deal. Either way, I think Sarah has a long road ahead of her in planning this...her friends may confirm now but chances are high that some may drop out before then (an all too common thing during a DW).