Wedding freaked out

[mimzy]

i just found out that an old friend (who i''m actually no longer friends with) is getting a divorce after just over two years of marriage. they''ve been together for six years or so and i NEVER thought that this would happen - they seemed to be an awesome match. they''d been through a lot in the two years that they were married, (addiction/rehab on her part) but she never let on that it had caused major problems between them - he was always supportive of her in just about everything (he and i had been friends since middle school and when her and i parted ways he followed suit without blinking an eye). a mutual friend told me that they were still friends, but there just wasn''t anything between them anymore. they are only 23/24.

now i know that there are obviously no guarantees, and that worrying won''t do any good, but this freaks me out. it''s my biggest fear that i''ll wake up one day and i''m not in love anymore - it''s a totally baseless fear,and i love stefan so much and in such a different way that i''ve loved anyone else, but it''s there nonetheless. and i''m sure that they would have said the same about each other. i have no reason to doubt our relationship, but i''m not naive enough to think that we are untouchable.

i guess this on top of my sister''s failed marriage, my parents failed marriage,both sets of grandparents failed marriages, and FI''s parents horrible marriage that they have unhappily clung to, it''s just disheartening. i feel like there are no happy ending anymore that include all the same people as they did in the beginning

i know that all you can do is love the person you''re with as much as you can and do whatever it takes to make a partnership work, but what happens when it just goes away? is anyone else scared of this?

sorry for the downer post.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

Hun - you can''t live your life always worrying about the "what if''s." Enjoy TODAY ... today you are happy and in love - and likely will be forever. Life has no guarantees, but don''t let failed marriages cloud your vision... Many people have successful marriages... Like anything else, they take work , compromise and patience... Think positively and good things will come... If you keep worrying about tomorrow today will just pass you by...

 

[diamondfan]

Mimzy, I am coming from 18 years of marriage and over 19 of being together. I love him and he loves me. We have built an amazing life together. Sometimes I want to smack him. And I am sure I annoy him beyond sometimes. But we are committed to our lives together, and even in the rough times that is what we know to be important.

No one can explain why two people might stop loving each other, but I have to be honest and say A LOT of divorced people I know did not necessarily fall out of love, other things got in the way of their marriage, it was not just about not being in love. You know the saying, sometimes love is not enough...so while yes there are people who just wake up one day and think, meh, no more (and I know a couple of them) I think it is not that simple to say people are out of love suddenly...it is bigger than that. So try not to worry too much, love him, and keep faith.

 

[nclrgirl]

Mimzy, I''m not married yet (6 more days!) but the thing that my mom told me, I think will be the best marriage advice for me. She said that for her and my dad, they went into marriage knowing that you need to wake up every morning and decide to love each other and work at your life together and relationship every day. They''re extremely happy together after ~35 years!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Mimzy, try not to stress about it. Falling out of love is long-term symptom of other more serious problems. It''s not something that happens suddenly, so you''d have to be completely out of touch with reality to wake up one day and realize you''re no longer in love with your husband

I completely understand, though. The idea of having a passionless, stagnant marriage is my idea of hell and D feels the same. Thank God.

 

[bee*]

Sorry to hear that you''re stressed out mimzy. I agree with the others in that you have to live life in the now and you can''t be worried about what may happen in the future. Marriage takes work and as long as you both know that going into it, you guys will be fine.

 

[Sabine]

Sorry to hear about your friends, Mimzy. I think it''s totally normal after hearing about them to be a little shaken up. I actually went through something similar...Two of my friends are getting a divorce after less than a year of marriage. I haven''t known them long, met them right after they got married, but they seemed like every other couple our age that are just getting married and starting out. Even though I wasn''t close to them and they had a very specific reason for splitting up (he wanted to move back home to a VERY rural area after she finished her PhD., and she wants to put all her years of schooling to use, which means she has to stay somewhere at least slightly urban, and this brought up a slew of other issues), seeing a couple fall apart so soon after they were in the happy, newlywed couple stage was really upsetting.

I think the advice that others have given has been pretty good. These problems don''t just come out of nowhere, so as long as you work on problems as they come up and don''t just sweep them under the rug and pretend they don''t exist, you won''t just wake up one day and want a divorce. I would also suggest talking to Stephan about how you''re feeling so that you have his reassurance as well (and don''t feel guilty about feeling doubts...it''s totally normal!).

 

[Amandine]

Mimzy, I am sorry to hear that your friends marriage is ending.

Speaking to the fear of waking up and not being in love anymore...my pastor, our officiant, had us read His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley. The title talks about building an affair proof marriage, but I found that it was excellent on how to keep things going. It spoke of how women and men have different priorities in a marriage, and how to address this. FI and I were surprised by how helpful and pertinent we found the book (we are in our early 30s). I would absolutely recommend it, maybe it can help with some of your fears.

 

[marchswallowbird]

Mizmy, I can''t remember when your wedding is, but one thing to consider is pre-marital classes. It''s not "counseling" -- it doesn''t approach topics from a "we have a problem" standpoint. It brings up potentially difficult to discuss subjects and gives you the tools to talk through ANYTHING in a non-confrontational way that is mutually respectful. It teaches both of you not just listening skills, but how to really HEAR what the other person is saying. I did this with my fiancee, and I can tell you it brought us so much closer together. He said things to me that I never knew he felt -- very loving things -- and it deepened our lifelong commitment to each other. We are confident now that first, we''ve chosen the right partner, and second, when things get rocky down the road -- as they are surely going to at some point -- we have the tools to work it out, no matter what it is. We are not religious,but we did this through a church, and they took out all religious references (there were topics that dealt with our own personal spirituality), and it worked really, really well.

 

[mimzy]

girls thank you so much for all of your responses. i know that worrying won''t do any good, and you''re right, just ''falling out of love'' is much more complicated and is just a symptom of something bigger that could have maybe been helped.

nclgirl- my mom gave me that advice too! and i''ve always been cognizant of that. it''s just scary to think that it could get to the point where you have to *force* it!, you know?

amandine - thanks for the book suggestion! i''ll add it to the list of books we have buy the nightstand to read before the wedding

MSB- we have mini premarital classes, and i''m pretty sure that we''ll have to do the engaged encounter through FI''s church for our convalidation also, and i''m definitely looking forward to it/them. i think that we are honest enough with each other to keep us on the successful side of the curve and we have no problem discussing the ins and outs of the relationship and marriage, so i am optimistic on that front!

thanks again ladies. what would i do without you all?

 

[TravelingGal]

LOL Mimzy. I can tell you now that you don''t have to worry about your worst nightmare coming true, because it WILL happen. You''ll wake up one day, look at your husband and say, boy, I don''t love you! And then (hopefully), another voice comes in and says, wait! Yes, I DO.

It''s a valid concern and one a lot of people fear before they tie the knot. Sometimes divorce happens...you will survive and life moves on. But I''ll go out on a limb and say it won''t happen to you (because..well, what else am I gonna say to someone who is about to get married?

) Seriously, you have a good head on your shoulders and you will be fine. Have faith in love, and on those days where you aren''t feeling it, do something to show your husband your love anyway. For some reason, it seems to fill up the tank.

Even though the idea of "forcing" it seems awful, nothing comes from nothing. It DOES take work. (Almost) anyone can sprint 100 meters. Marriage is a marathon - you hit highs, walls, need refueling and wonder why it seems so easy for those zipping past you (and then feel OK about yourself when there are people struggling worse than you are). It only ends when you drop dead at the finish line.

 

[mimzy]

haha thanks Tgal. i think that deep down i know all this, but every once in awhile i lose all good sense and get worried about stuff like this. and i know i definitely have a devoted partner!