For those who have teenage children

[atroop711]

Did you find that your child changed much between the ages of 10yr into their teen years. What I mean is, do their likes and dislikes change dramatically? I ask because my daughter is almost 11 yr old and she's showing good sense when it comes to different things. I guess I'm just hoping that this good sense continues and doesn't change much.

I guess that since the "teen" years are in the not so distant future, I'm trying to get ready for what may come. I just hope my kind hearted, empathetic, good sensed daughter stays this way. Last year there was a situation where 3 schoolmates emailed with questions that IMO were not age appropriate and she handled it great (she showed me email and asked for my advice on how to respond).

Any words of wisdom for those years is welcomed!

 

[luv2sparkle]

Well, Atroop, I think every kid is different. My guess is that you will notice a few changes. Not a total turn around. With a
daughter you have pms to look forward to. Out of 5 kids, (one daughter), I had one son who breezed through with pretty much
not a single personality change and not a single problem. My 14 year-old son one day at about 12 went from sweet, loving and
adorable to instant teenager, and was cranky and argumentative. All of us noticed the difference! He didn't stay that way,
after a couple months he leveled out. I notice that if he is really tired he gets way cranky and unreasonable but so far so good.

 

[atroop711]

Well, Atroop, I think every kid is different. My guess is that you will notice a few changes. Not a total turn around. With a
daughter you have pms to look forward to. Out of 5 kids, (one daughter), I had one son who breezed through with pretty much
not a single personality change and not a single problem. My 14 year-old son one day at about 12 went from sweet, loving and
adorable to instant teenager, and was cranky and argumentative. All of us noticed the difference! He didn't stay that way,
after a couple months he leveled out. I notice that if he is really tired he gets way cranky and unreasonable but so far so good.

thanks so much!

 

[Ara Ann]

With teens, every day, even every hour can present a new challenge. Good news is, her current personality is really her core personality and even if she goes through a rough time (hormones are not easy on anyone) she will eventually return to being her true self.

Our oldest son is 21 (yes, we made it!!)...he was a great, sweet, 'play by the rules' little boy...but he seemed to hit puberty early and from age 11 he started to get moody...he did level out finally when he was about 18....but honestly I was worried about him for a long time. But once he turned 17-18, he reverted to his old sweet self! He is back to his true personality, more like our 'little' boy than he was as a hormonal teen. Now he's got a great job, has had two promotions since hiring in, has an apartment, is engaged and is doing great. Whew.

Our youngest son is turning 16 in two months. He was also a very sweet kid, very easy going and he 'promised' me he wouldn't act out like his older brother did (hard promise to keep once hormones change!)...he is still himself, but he does have flare ups and his moods can swing hourly, or daily, or weekly. But I know from the oldest one, he will even out and turn out great too. We don't sweat the small stuff and have come to see the mood swings for what they are...they pass eventually...maybe after a door slam or two and a stomp up the stairs...but it does pass and it is easier to not argue with them in the midst of a hormonal 'drunk' - sometimes they are literally drunk on emotion and we all know what it is like to try to reason with a drunk person.

Hang in there, you will survive and know she will come out of it on the other end, just as she is now, just older and in a differently shaped body! I can still see my little boys under their chin scruff and hear them, even with their deep voices....I still wonder where they went sometimes, but see the sparkle in their eyes and know it's still them. Hugs.

 

[Kaleigh]

I think you have raised a very thoughtful and level headed young lady. I bet she won't change too much during her teenage years. The key is communication. She came to you with that email,. That shows she feels comfortable telling you things, and she trusts you. That's a huge deal when they get older...

Fingers crossed for you.

 

[atroop711]

Thanks Ara Ann and Kaleigh! I can't believe how fast time has gone by. I thought I had so much time to worry about this but it's right around the corner.

 

[Aoife]

It sounds like you have a great relationship with your DD, so you already have an advantage! My DD's are adults now, but in my experience the key is keeping the lines of communication open, and knowing about and being involved in what is going on at school. If you don't already volunteer at school, or take part in extra-curricular activities with your DD, start now. Our daughters were very active in theatre and music in high school, and cast parties were always at our house, so we were familiar to everyone in their social group. We knew their friends, we knew the gossip,and we got a chance to talk to our DD's about what was going on before whatever it was escalated into a problem. Our older DD went through more of a rebellious stage than the younger DD, but it was pretty brief and mild, and passed off once her hormones stabilized. As long as you are able to talk to each other, you're on the right track!

 

[Clio]

In terms of their basic personalities, my daughters haven't changed much. A little surlier/moodier, but they're still the same girls under all the adolescent emotions. The biggest changes came in the least important areas - fashion/style, type of music they listen to, that sort of thing. It sounds like you don't have much to worry about! She's a good kid now and will probably continue to be a good kid.

 

[JulieN]

I find that usually their awareness grows as they get older with a marked shift in the general population around 14-15.

Kindheartedness and empathy don't usually change.

 

[soocool]

DD turned 18 in December. She really has not changed much over the years in many areas except that I have noticed how much she has matured over the past few years.


But I have noticed changes in many of her friends (some with whom she is not longer hangs out). It all depends on the company your daughter keeps. If their values and interests are similar to your daughter's, then she will go through the teen years smoothly. Now if she is part of a group that is disruptive, engages in risky behavior, etc. chances are your DD may join them and change as well.

The one thing I have noticed in DD is that she became moodier as she entered her teen years, but then came her period and I know when to stay away. DD still has to be reminded to finish or start her homework and I just hope and pray that she stays true in college.

Just remember to keep the lines of communication open with your DD at all times and be there to listen to her. I think this is what teens want most, to be listened to by their parents. If there was ever a time to need your parents it is the teen years - they still need you no matter what they think or say.

 

[elrohwen]

I don't have a teenager but I was one once I didn't really change and neither did my friends. Sure, I probably got a bit more obnoxious and moody, but my basic personality didn't change. I was good friends with a large group of girls around age 12 and still talk to some of them - they all did wonderfully and were great teenagers. I think friends are important, like Soocool said, since kids can be easily peer pressured into acting out. If her friends are a nice group of kids, I think they'll all stay a nice group of kids and so will she.

 

[Dancing Fire]

one common demoninator "they are expensive to raise"...

 

[Puppmom]

DD is going to be 16 in a month and her personality has not changed much since she was your daughter's age. She's very much a rule follower and doesn't do things just to fit in - at least not yet. Unfortunately, her good nature has isolated her from some of her childhood friends who have moved on to things like smoking, drinking etc. As a result, she's not as social as we would like but we appreciate that she's got the good sense to keep her distance from kids who engage in dangerous behaviors. I hope her levelheadedness (sure that's a word, right?) continues.

 

[Cehrabehra]

My daughter went through a weird preteen phase from like 8-11 but then she was normal again. She will be 17 this year and the past year or two she's doing a lot of stretching. With that comes some attitude but parts of it I encourage as those are the parts of her that will need to make decisions for herself as an adult. Talking back at us as long as it is spoken respectfully and we are ultimately obeyed is more tolerated and tolerable now than it was when she was younger. She's a really good kid. No drugs, no sex, good grades... I am certain I won't fare so well with my soon to be 12 year old son.

They do change in some ways, mostly personality traits get exacerbated for better or worse. They get more self centered again like when they were younger. The life habits get truly ingrained at this point too, also for better or worse.

 

[atroop711]

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! I really appreciate the time you took to write down what you did. It really did make me feel less afraid about the teen years. I will def. keep the lines of communication open and will do my best to LISTEN and not just talk.

She's a good kid who I just want the best for and want to do the best job that I can. The unknown is scary but when I hear from parents like you, it makes the unknown a lot easier.

 

[rubybeth]

I don't have a teenager, but I have more recently heard a lot about new research into teen brain development and how hormones are not to blame for a lot of the behavior and attitude shifts in the teen years, it's really brain development. Dr. Jay Giedd did a lot of research on this, there was a PBS Frontline episode on it, etc. I found all of it very interesting. You know the old saying, "Well, if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you do it, too?" From what I've read, depending on where they are in their development, they may answer "yes," and not because they're stupid... might be worth reading about. I think some parents are quick to say their kids are bad decision-makers, have a bad attitude, etc. when really, would you call a 2-year-old a bad decision-maker? Their brains are going through very similar large changes.

 

[Octavia]

I don't have a teenager but I was one once I didn't really change and neither did my friends. Sure, I probably got a bit more obnoxious and moody, but my basic personality didn't change. I was good friends with a large group of girls around age 12 and still talk to some of them - they all did wonderfully and were great teenagers. I think friends are important, like Soocool said, since kids can be easily peer pressured into acting out. If her friends are a nice group of kids, I think they'll all stay a nice group of kids and so will she.

I had a very similar experience to Elrowhen when I was a teen. A good group of friends is really essential. Funny enough, of my core group from those years, we were all very close, very good girls throughout all of high school, and didn't really change a lot until college, when a couple of them went haywire. Not trying to scare you about that yet, though! I don't think they were typical situations, anyway. But I am still really close with a couple of the other girls and we've done quite well for ourselves. I don't think my teen years were my parents' very favorite time, but I don't think they would say it was all miserable, either. I'm sure you and your daughter will be fine!

 

[atroop711]

I don't have a teenager, but I have more recently heard a lot about new research into teen brain development and how hormones are not to blame for a lot of the behavior and attitude shifts in the teen years, it's really brain development. Dr. Jay Giedd did a lot of research on this, there was a PBS Frontline episode on it, etc. I found all of it very interesting. You know the old saying, "Well, if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you do it, too?" From what I've read, depending on where they are in their development, they may answer "yes," and not because they're stupid... might be worth reading about. I think some parents are quick to say their kids are bad decision-makers, have a bad attitude, etc. when really, would you call a 2-year-old a bad decision-maker? Their brains are going through very similar large changes.

thanks for the info. I will look into this

 

[Haven]

atroop--Your daughter sounds lovely, you must be doing something really amazing with her!

I don't have teens but I was one, and I was a REALLY DIFFICULT one at that.
I hated my parents during my entire sophomore year of high school. They now affectionately refer to that time as my "STOMP! STOMP! SLAM!" years because all I'd ever do was come in the house, stomp up the stairs, and slam my bedroom door. (That is, until my father took it down and I no longer had a door to slam.)

Now I can look back and say that the reason I changed so much was that I suddenly realized how little influence my parents exerted in my life, and I was screaming out for some boundaries. We never had any rules, and while I did have some moments of realization as a child (such as the time in 3rd grade when our teacher asked us all to share our bedtimes. Bedtime? What's that?) it wasn't until high school when I really figured out how different my parents were. I wanted guidance, and boundaries, and someone to say "I really care about you" by asking me where I was going and with whom and telling me when to be home.

It doesn't sound like your daughter will have that experience at all, and you sound wonderful, so here's hoping she can get through her teenage years without much struggle. If she *does* change suddenly, of course that's something you should really pay attention to and make sure the lines of communication are open. Otherwise, thank your lucky stars!

As a high school teacher, I saw kids change when they either fell in with an overly influential group of peers, or when they were struggling with something internally and they really needed some help.

 

[atroop711]

atroop--Your daughter sounds lovely, you must be doing something really amazing with her!

I don't have teens but I was one, and I was a REALLY DIFFICULT one at that.
I hated my parents during my entire sophomore year of high school. They now affectionately refer to that time as my "STOMP! STOMP! SLAM!" years because all I'd ever do was come in the house, stomp up the stairs, and slam my bedroom door. (That is, until my father took it down and I no longer had a door to slam.)

Now I can look back and say that the reason I changed so much was that I suddenly realized how little influence my parents exerted in my life, and I was screaming out for some boundaries. We never had any rules, and while I did have some moments of realization as a child (such as the time in 3rd grade when our teacher asked us all to share our bedtimes. Bedtime? What's that?) it wasn't until high school when I really figured out how different my parents were. I wanted guidance, and boundaries, and someone to say "I really care about you" by asking me where I was going and with whom and telling me when to be home.

It doesn't sound like your daughter will have that experience at all, and you sound wonderful, so here's hoping she can get through her teenage years without much struggle. If she *does* change suddenly, of course that's something you should really pay attention to and make sure the lines of communication are open. Otherwise, thank your lucky stars!

As a high school teacher, I saw kids change when they either fell in with an overly influential group of peers, or when they were struggling with something internally and they really needed some help.

Thanks so much Haven!

 

[AGBF]

My experience is atypical and, God-willing, will not be the experience of anyone reading this thread. My daughter developed a mental illness in her teenage years that completely changed her personality. She had always been a child who could focus easily, who could learn to play a musical instrument quickly, who could spend a lot of time studying. Suddenly, when she was in the seventh grade, she became very angry; could not concentrate on her school work; became paranoid about what other kids thought of her and could not keep any friends; and generally started to deteriorate in all areas. She also became anorectic. I knew that schizophrenia often showed itself for the first time in young adults, but I wasn't prepared for what I was seeing. If it was bi-polar depression, it was not the classic form of it. She had no manic highs, just rage, poor impulse control, and terrible judgement. She went from being a good student and musician who had always been easy to raise to being a terribly unhappy, destructive, suicidal girl who would not attend school.

It was a miracle that she lived through those years and got a high school diploma! Now she has started community college and I have my fingers crossed, but every day is a challenge.

Edited to add (after rereading Sara's posting), my daughter is 18, does not drink or take drugs.

Deb/AGBF


Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend

 

[iLander]

My experience is atypical and, God-willing, will not be the experience of anyone reading this thread. My daughter developed a mental illness in her teenage years that completely changed her personality. She had always been a child who could focus easily, who could learn to play a musical instrument quickly, who could spend a lot of time studying. Suddenly, when she was in the seventh grade, she became very angry; could not concentrate on her school work; became paranoid about what other kids thought of her and could not keep any friends; and generally started to deteriorate in all areas. She also became anorectic. I knew that schizophrenia often showed itself for the first time in young adults, but I wasn't prepared for what I was seeing. If it was bi-polar depression, it was not the classic form of it. She had no manic highs, just rage, poor impulse control, and terrible judgement. She went from being a good student and musician who had always been easy to raise to being a terribly unhappy, destructive, suicidal girl who would not attend school.

It was a miracle that she lived through those years and got a high school diploma! Now she has started community college and I have my fingers crossed, but every day is a challenge.

Edited to add (after rereading Sara's posting), my daughter is 18, does not drink or take drugs.

Deb/AGBF


Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend

So sorry to hear you went through this Deb.
Glad to hear that you are seeing at least a little light at the end of this tunnel.
Dust for you and your girl. . .

 

[iLander]

Teens are people too. I think people tend to forget this, somehow. I see a lot of parents that objectify their children and especially their teens.

My DD's friends think I'm very cool, because I treat them like people. I talk to them like I talk to adults and everyone else, I treat them with some respect. They text me when they're proud of something, they grab my DD's phone and text me or talk to me. We have a lot of fun, because I treat them like people and they can sense the difference. I don't talk down to them, I joke with them, I hug them, both boys and girls. You'd be surprised how many teens just want to be treated like a person.

Teens need to be hugged, even when they act like they don't. This is the most awkward, weird, insecure time of their lives, and they need a hug. My DD had some friends spending the night, and I went in to tuck her in. She can drive a car, but I still tuck her in. I went around the room and tucked all the girls in, with a quick hug. They spent the next hour after I left telling my DD how much they wished their moms would tuck them in, and how lucky she was. Teens tend to put up a brave front, but part of them are still just kids.

But you have to be clear with your DD that you are a person too. With feelings. A couple of times she did the typical teen stuff and was rude to me. I didn't blow it off, saying "typical teen", I let her know that she hurt my feelings and how would she feel if I acted like that to her? She didn't do that again, we all talk about stuff if something is bothering her. There was an "I hate you!" incident, and I calmly said "No you don't. You love me and will always love me. I love you and I will always love you. That's the truth of it". It took the whole thing down a notch, and we talked it out.

It is EXCELLENT that your DD tells you things. Encourage that by saying that she's be very mature. That seems to be a magic word. My DD tells me everything now. Sometimes, with boyfriend info, it's TMI

But remember, you're still the mommy. My DD crossed the line a couple of times, and the (loss of privileges) punishment was calm, fair and swift. When you have to say no to that unsupervised party, you say no. "But I want to go!" "So? You're not going". Simple as that. And be the fall guy for your DD; when friends ask her to go to a party that she KNOWS is inappropriate, she can say "My Mom is such a (rhymes with) witch, she won't let me go!" That's fine, you can play the heavy, kids don't generally argue with that.

Encourage her to be with friends that are appropriate. Ask her teachers, they can tell you which kids are troublemakers and which ones are good people. When she wants to hang out with the good peer, go out of your way to arrange it. If she wants to hang with the bad peer, then explain your concerns and say no, and make other plans.

Also helpful for hormonal teens and pretty much everyone else: Vitamins. My DD takes a multi (theragram) and super B complex everyday. We all do. I think this really helps! Here is a link to a Psychology Today article linking B vitamins to mood: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200402/vitamins-get-your-bs

Here's some points from the article:
"Over the past several years, evidence has mounted that B vitamins—B12 and folate in particular—may ward off depression and other mental problems. A Finnish study is only the latest to link B vitamins to maintenance of good mood.

It found that high levels of vitamin B12 in the bloodstream were linked to more successful outcomes among people being treated for depression. The study tracked 115 outpatients who were seeing psychiatrists and therapists as treatment for major depression. Just over half of the patients were also taking antidepressant medications. When researchers followed up with patients six months after counseling sessions had ended, people whose B12 levels were highest had had the most success in halting depressive symptoms.

Scientists haven't pinpointed the mechanisms in the brain that seems to account for these benefits. But they have some made some connections that show B vitamins are crucial to balanced brain chemistry and mood."

But teens will make mistakes. That is part of learning. Remember the Chinese saying :To learn to fill the cup, first you pour too much and then you pour too little.

Sorry for the long post, but I've been thinking about this since you first posted, and only just now had time. Turns out I was doing a LOT of thinking!