Wedding Flipped over the bill?

[UCLABelle]

I enjoyed my wedding. However, I kept it small to keep it intimate and save a little money (well, I mean, just a little). I posted before how it was adding up and how things were expensive in Orange County, but didn''t think too much about it.

I stress about money (event though were fine!) so, I never asked my parents how much the wedding cost. Then my Mom slipped today and mentioned the cost...AND IT MAKES ME HATE MY WEDDING! It was WAY WAY WAY WAY too much for a few hours!!!!! I am depressed (really, really depressed) and wonder if anyone else, who has already gotten married and saw the bill, feels the same way?!

 

[SarahLovesJS]

I haven''t even seen the bills yet and I am upset, but please can I stress to you to not be depressed? Those hours were worth it. Your family loves you and wanted to celebrate, don''t feel guilty or depressed. You now have memories for a lifetime!

 

[UCLABelle]

Sarah-Thanks, but I am just in a total dark hole of depression. The hours were great, and I agree other people probably had a good time....but I would hope they would have had just as good of a time with a smaller budget reception (I hope...

). I literally am crying over this whole thing....I mean, it was just too much for a wedding for 25 people.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Please don''t cry, hun! ((Hugs)) You had such a beautiful, beautiful wedding! It was so worth it! Maybe you should talk to your mom about your worries if you haven''t already?

 

[isaku5]

Are your parents stressed, UCLABelle? If not, you shouldn''t be either. Everything went well; everybody had a good time. No worries...unless your parents needed that money for retirement or everyday living.

 

[Gwyn]

I have not gotten my final bill, since the wedding isnt for...EEP 1 month. But I know what you mean about the bills piling and stuff. I am in Southern California too and things are so pricey. Granted FI and I were not exactly frugile when we picked out our ceremony/reception site. But Other then that I think we did a good job keeping costs down. For 50 people though, over 20K seems like alot to spend on 7 hours.

Then again...that includes rings and honeymoon so I would say 15-17k total for 7 hours, it def hits me as a little excessive.

I guess though I could take out attire and such... I dont know. Lets just say 10-11K for the actual wedding day...Yeah, that seems like alot for dinner, drinks, decorations and entertainment for 1 evening.

My mother gave us an amount of money to spend on the wedding and then we put in whatever else was needed. Sometimes I get a little sad when I think about what else that money could have gone towards, like...savings towards a house or something like that.

Also, my sister got married last year and paid maybe 4k more then us for a wedding with 3 times the amount of people. The joys of getting married in Massachusetts over California.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

UCLABelle, please try to relax.

Yes, the price tag can be shocking. And it can give you some really powerful guilt gut, you''re not alone there. But, you''re married, and "those few hours" changed your life forever...whatever the cost, I am sure it was more than worth it.

Most brides, post wedding, do feel a weird type of depression. Most brides focus that "feeling" into something real that they can put their finger on...like the flowers were wrong, or the cake was horrible tasting, or the price of the event gave them sticker shock. When in reality, its none of those things making them feel sad...it''s just the fact that the wedding is over and has left them with a void in their life.

Try and focus on the beauty and happiness of the day. Anticipate the pictures that will arriving soon, or maybe it''s your wedding video. Work on finishing your thank you notes---with only 25 or so to write, you can really spend quality time putting them together.

I am sure your mom did want you to feel badly about the wedding...and wouldn''t want you to cry over it....

 

[miraclesrule]

UCLABelle: I''ll be depressed with you.

Seriously, it is ridiculous to spend so much money on one day, and I have days where I still kick myself. But ultimately, it''s done. You had a beautiful day. In the big grand scheme of things, you could cease to exist tomorrow and all anyone has is the memories you made. Life is a shell game. Money comes and goes.

I have to remind myself to be grateful that I had the money and that my money provided the waiters and the chefs and the bartenders and the florist and the coordinator, etc, with money to feed their family.

Let it be sweetie.

 

[Sparkalicious]

I''m sorry that you are so upset, UCLABelle. I can relate to how you feel as there are times, now, before my wedding, that I feel anxious or depressed about the amount of money we are spending. I would rather spend the money than have regrets though ... it''s easier to make money than it is to change memories.

It''s just the nature of the beast. Weddings are expensive. Sure, people can save money and cut corners, however, no matter which way you look at it, they are still a significant expense ... unless, of course, you decide that you would just like to do the justice of the peace ceremony with no frills and no receptions or parties etc.

Your mom wanted to give you what you deserved ... you deserved to be happy on your wedding day so - mission accomplished. How much it cost, if she paid for it, is a matter of her concern and nothing for you to worry about. I''m certain that your mom would feel bad to think that in her effort to make you happy she has upset you.

It''s hard to just not be depressed about something that concerns you so deeply but please try to take away the positives. Remember your wonderful day and the fact that you got to celebrate commencing a wonderful life with your new husband with friends and family. It was money well spent.

 

[UCLABelle]

Thanks everyone (I will try to not let it bother me). It was probably mostly shock that jolted me into the bummed feeling.

My parents had the money easily (they wouldn''t have spent it otherwise), but I just cannot help but think what else it could have been used for.....

 

[purrfectpear]

I don''t have any idea what a 25 person wedding/reception in OC costs, but I know when I read some of the expenses for New York weddings, I cringe. I know it''s a special day and all that, but seriously, what $50K to $80K could buy....................

That''s a lot of money to spend watching friends and family swill liquor and scarf food.

 

[TravelingGal]

Normally I could find a thing or two to flame about this situation, but really UCLABelle -

- You did your part and kept it to 25 guests (no small feat)
- Your parents can afford it
- You had a nice wedding.

Being depressed about it and hating your wedding because of cost will only negate the wonderful generosity of your parents. Be happy they love you so much.

(And now I''ll interrupt this niceness for one small bit of chastising)

It would have been nice (and more adult) to ask about costs BEFORE the wedding to avoid this kind of sticker shock. Not knowing may have made it more expensive as costs racked up and you were oblivious to the real price tag...

(Back to our regular scheduled programming)

But all is said and done and you had a most lovely wedding. I would reckon your mom would want to keep you that way, so far her, smile, and cherish the memories.

 

[miraclesrule]

Date: 9/17/2008 11:53:53 PM
Author: UCLABelle
Thanks everyone (I will try to not let it bother me). It was probably mostly shock that jolted me into the bummed feeling.

My parents had the money easily (they wouldn't have spent it otherwise), but I just cannot help but think what else it could have been used for.....

Seriously, me too....like my new bathroom and a pair of diamond studs. But do you know what? I am happier that I spent it on my daughter and I will never forget how happy she was. No bathtub will ever do that for me...or diamond earrings for that matter. What matters to me most, is seeing how beautiful and happy my daughter was on her wedding day. I suspect that it is the same for your Mom. It's a Mom thang.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 9/18/2008 12:23:50 AM
Author: miraclesrule

Date: 9/17/2008 11:53:53 PM
Author: UCLABelle
Thanks everyone (I will try to not let it bother me). It was probably mostly shock that jolted me into the bummed feeling.

My parents had the money easily (they wouldn''t have spent it otherwise), but I just cannot help but think what else it could have been used for.....

Seriously, me too....like my new bathroom and a pair of diamond studs. But do you know what? I am happier that I spent it on my daughter and I will never forget how happy she was. No bathtub will ever do that for me...or diamond earrings for that matter. What matters to me most, is seeing how beautiful and happy my daughter was on her wedding day. I suspect that it is the same for your Mom. It''s a Mom thang.

It is! It is! My DD is only 5.5 months old and I want to give her the world (minus the bad bits).

You know what would be great (and I am sure you already do this) but now that you are married, take as many opportunies as possible to spoil your mom. It''s a wonderful thing and moms deserve it (as you can see from miraclesrule''s post!)

 

[FrekeChild]

You know, I'm planning on having a small wedding (under 20) and I'm willing to work within a reasonable budget. However what is reasonable to me and what is reasonable to my parents is probably very different, and I'm the one on the conservative side. But you know what, just so long as it keeps my parents happy, I'm ok with it. They can afford it (well less so since the Dow practically collapsed the other day) but what is most important to me is that my mom can be there and that she will enjoy herself. I'm having it more for her than I am for myself in a lot of ways. But in reality, it's very possible that it will be one of the last truly wonderful times she gets to have herself (terminal cancer) but also it will likely be one of the last truly wonderful times my dad and I get to have with her.

So as long as they spend what they are comfortable with, I'll be happy.

And UCLABelle, I suggest you do the same. You had a wonderful day, and made wonderful memories. That alone is worth the price.

(((((Hugs))))) it's only money.

ETA: I asked my mom if she'd buy me a pair of $300 shoes the other day, she asked why, and I said wedding shoes. And then she told me that I should at least get engaged first. This is a frugal woman. This wedding is incredibly important to her. 6 months or so ago she told me that all she wanted was to see me get married or at least engaged. She'd never offer to buy me those expensive shoes if it wasn't emotionally significant to her--she balks at buying me $50 everyday shoes...that I'd get a heck of a lot more than 4 hours of use out of!

 

[marchswallowbird]

For those of you whose parents are paying for your wedding (or even part of it), repeat after me: Thank you, thank you, thank you! Nothing else. No regrets. It was their gift to you. And I''m sure they gave it joyfully.

Truthfully, it is HARD in some areas of the nation (like Southern CA and NY) to do an inexpensive wedding and have it still be "nice," and comfortable and enjoyable for your guests. Even small weddings. I am starting to hyperventilate over the costs for my (small and simple) wedding, which despite all my efforts are starting to really pile up, and I still have a year to go!

 

[violet02]

I agree with what everyone else has said in regards to what was spent and not being sad about it. Your parents wanted you to have a great wedding and you did! And as long as they''re not in huge debt and could easily afford it then enjoy it! Getting married is a big deal and should be special! Focus more on how great it was and how happy you were. That''s what''s important!! I would only be sad if your parents had to take out a second morgatge or something... if people have the money and can afford it and it makes them happy then so be it. It makes parents proud to see their children get married and they want you to have a nice party for your friends and family to enjoy.

I was stressed for awhile about the costs... We''ve been over our original budget and what''s important to me is that we do NOT go into debt for a wedding... and we''re down to our last couple of weeks and it looks like we''ll be fine money-wise so that was what was most important... that we could afford it. Debt = NOT worth it! Yes weddings are expensive and sure large sums of money can be spent elsewhere but to me, my wedding is a big day for me... and if we''re not breaking the bank then why not splurge a bit. These are memories we''ll have for the rest of our lives! As long as you''re not hiring Mariah Carey to sing at your wedding or some ridiculous expenditure like that... then it''ll be fine. We all know weddings cost money and I''d rather not look back and say I could have had a nicer wedding BUT... etc. I originally wanted to elope but it was important to our parents that we had a nice get together with both families together (and friends). It may be the only time you can get that many family members from both sides together too.

So don''t focus on the money, focus on the happiness!

PS. I do agree with T-gal though... maybe knowing ahead of time might have been easier. How did you guys do the budget? As in, how did you know how much to spend on each item or was it left open? Costs do pile up... without a spreadsheet to write down each cost and see how it totals up I could be into some crazy territory right now money-wise!

 

[Gwyn]

If it makes you feel any better. My sister''s in laws actually had to take out a second morgage on their house to foot the 70K+ bill for their daughters wedding.

Not that she made them do that or anything, it was just really important to them to have a super posh NYC wedding for their only daughter. I think her couture gown was right around 10K

What is done is done, you had fun. Don''t stress what you can''t change, right?

 

[UCLABelle]

Thanks everyone! I feel 100% better this morning, and not as stressed! It was a great day (and it does only happen once).

TG-I agree with everything. However I do think I was "adult" in asking about costs before hand (i.e., how much Mom and Dad should we spend on photography without going over board?). What I think happened was that my few surprises during the night (like a trio instead of the duo, and the Rolls Royce instead of the sedan, and the extra flowers, and upgrading wine) none of which I knew about added up the cost----

 

[bee*]

Try not to be upset. Your wedding was beautiful and if your parents could afford it and were happy to do so, then don''t worry. We''re paying for the majority of our own bill so that''s how we''re keeping track of it!!

 

[HollyS]

Date: 9/18/2008 2:29:01 PM
Author: UCLABelle
Thanks everyone! I feel 100% better this morning, and not as stressed! It was a great day (and it does only happen once).

TG-I agree with everything. However I do think I was ''adult'' in asking about costs before hand (i.e., how much Mom and Dad should we spend on photography without going over board?). What I think happened was that my few surprises during the night (like a trio instead of the duo, and the Rolls Royce instead of the sedan, and the extra flowers, and upgrading wine) none of which I knew about added up the cost----

You had a truly lovely wedding; and although costs are high in OC, it was not an outrageous wedding. From the pictures, which were perfect BTW (so the photog was worth every penny), to the location, to the florals, and your attire . . . everything was beautiful without being ''too much''. Your parents spent that money because they wanted to; now you need to enjoy those memories -- it will only add to their pleasure if they know you appreciate and treasure their gift to you and your husband.

 

[UCLABelle]

HollyS-That was the best compliment ever- I wanted it to be really pretty, without looking too flashy, or over-the-top (which is hard to do in OC, especially is you stick with the fads...).