Fiance''s Parents Dont want us to live together

[Nov2109]

My fiance''s parents dont want us to live together before we get married. We would honor their wishes however, he works in a city about 2 hours away, and i just took a job in that city, which is a 2.5 hour commute for me. They are very old fashioned catholics and have previously voiced their opionon before we even got engaged. My family is catholic but are estactic that we are getting married and have found a beautiful apartment right outside the city. His parents are great and are very happy we are getting married-they just want us to live in the old fashioned times and by their rules...I cannot commute 2.5 hours a day and he has been commuting 2 hours for the last two years because he moved home to be closer to me to pursue our relationship further.

Our wedding is about a year and a half away-we are paying for most of it, with the way the economy is we dont want to burden our close to retirement parents. We can''t do that commute for almost two years, four to five hours in a car on top of an 8 hour day is too much, and we want to live together, we''ve been dating for three years and engaged for 3 months. My parents allow him to live at my house-he goes home to "keep up appearances" once a week...if it weren''t for the ridiculous commute we would continue to keep up appearances.

My family has already started purchasing us little things for our apartment to help us out, my dad especially. He is just happy that his daughter is happy and is marrying a great guy! I want his parents to be just as much a part of all of this as mine are!

We are about to sign a lease but want to talk to his parents first. Any ideas on how to break the news? I dont want to cause any issues with his parents because he is very close with them and they are my family! I dont know how to make them understand that this is for financial/mental/life reasons, not because we just want to sleep in the same bed!

 

[Steel]

Ugh Nov,

Does not sound like a win-win situation. Is the apartment 1 or 2 bed? 2 bed would make that conversation much easier.

I suppose if they expect their son''s bride to ''wear white'' at the wedding, then sleeping under the same roof is not going tp go down well unless you assure them that you will be ''wearing white'' as far as your relationship is concerned. And really I have a problem with a SO''s parents having so much information.

This could go a number of ways....

Perhaps your FI could tell his parents to respectfully mind their own business.
You coud reassure them that as a 2 bed (if it is) you sleep in your own rooms.
You could assure them you will be ''wearing white'' at the wedding no matter what your living arrangements.

If it were my relationship I would leave it at my FI''s door. They are his family and I would not want to interfere. Let him deal with it however he so chooses. But the bottom line is you are moving in together and he needs to tell them.

 

[somethingshiny]

Date: 12/23/2008 3:45:54 PM
Author: Steel



If it were my relationship I would leave it at my FI''s door. They are his family and I would not want to interfere. Let him deal with it however he so chooses. But the bottom line is you are moving in together and he needs to tell them.

Perfectly stated.

And, they''ll either be pi$$ed off for a really long time or they''ll get over it. Either way, their reaction is their problem.

 

[Elmorton]

Ditto to Steel''s last line.

The bottom line is this - the two of you have already expressed a commitment to each other by deciding to get married. Parents will always have preferences about how you live your life, but it''s solely up to you and your fiance to decide what is right for you.

I''m a little concerned by the idea that you want to wait to sign the lease until talking to his parents. Do you expect that they''ll change your minds? Do you expect that you''ll change yours?

In terms of telling the parents, it''s important to be calm and not defensive. You do not need to defend your decision to them - out of respect, it''s important to say "We understand your concerns, but as partners, we have decided that the best decision for us is to move in together."

Do let your FI take the lead (or even the entire task) of telling his parents. It''s his responsibility.

 

[Pandora II]

Agree with other posters.

DH and I have agreed that we will deal with our respective parents if issues ever arise.

To be honest, it really is no business of theirs how you and your husband choose to live - unless they have a financial interest in all of this (and even then...)

You are both over 18, responsible, independant adults who have made a firm commitment to each other, so it''s your decision what is best for you.

Now is a good opportunity to start to set those all important boundaries.

 

[musey]

Date: 12/23/2008 3:50:36 PM
Author: somethingshiny

Date: 12/23/2008 3:45:54 PM
Author: Steel
If it were my relationship I would leave it at my FI''s door. They are his family and I would not want to interfere. Let him deal with it however he so chooses. But the bottom line is you are moving in together and he needs to tell them.

Perfectly stated.

And, they''ll either be pi$$ed off for a really long time or they''ll get over it. Either way, their reaction is their problem.

Agreed.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Date: 12/23/2008 4:55:05 PM
Author: musey

Date: 12/23/2008 3:50:36 PM
Author: somethingshiny

Date: 12/23/2008 3:45:54 PM
Author: Steel
If it were my relationship I would leave it at my FI''s door. They are his family and I would not want to interfere. Let him deal with it however he so chooses. But the bottom line is you are moving in together and he needs to tell them.

Perfectly stated.

And, they''ll either be pi$$ed off for a really long time or they''ll get over it. Either way, their reaction is their problem.

Agreed.

+1. If you are old enough to get married then you are old enough to decide where and with whom you want to live. It''s not their decision to make and your FI should calmly and respectively explain that to them. You can''t make everybody happy all of the time. Good luck with your marriage!

Diva

 

[february2003bride]

1) Your FI should TELL his parents that you are moving in together not ASK them if it''s ok.
2) Yes, they will be mad at first but in time, they will get over it.
3) Draw the line now that you and your FI make your own adult choices or they will always assume that you will follow what they say (think about if you have kids!)

Good luck

 

[bee*]

I agree with others. He definitely needs to sit them down and let them know that you guys are going to move in with each other. That commute would be crazy to do for another two years. Hopefully they''ll take it well and not cause any problems.

 

[Nov2109]

thanks for the advice. I just wanted to make sure that I wasnt crazy and my family and friends weren''t agreeing with me because they are on the inside of the siutation.

We are going to sign the lease after the holidays, its too hectic right now... We were hoping to sit them down relatively soon and tell them we are moving in together. Hes pretty confident they will overreact at first and then get over it...what are they going to do not talk to us until we get married? that would never happen-they are awesome people-just a bit old fashioned! I guess letting them know our plans before we do it is more out of respect than trying to get their "OK".

I understand that they want their son''s bride to be "wearing white", but this is not about them or my parents or anyone else-its about us. I agree that our personal life is not any of their concern! Its 2008, not 1950-how many brides are actually wearing white for the right reasons anymore?? Sometimes I feel like they live under a rock! (he also has sisters!!)

We considered having a two bedroom-but the rent nearly doubles-and the apartment we found is great and suits are needs until we buy a home after the wedding is over. I can''t pay double the rent to "keep up appearances"...and being in my mid 20s and hes nearing 30-should we really be lying to our parents? come on! Why they think they can tell their grown son what to do is beyond me-but thats a whole different topic

We''re going to tell them together-for one we think they wont react as badly if I''m there and two we''re trying to show them that we are in this together...and to also show them that they cant try to run his life anymore because its my life too. My parents stopped "running" my life when I left for college-they wanted me to learn to be an adult...not baby me anymore, and i thank them for doing that every day!

the sad part about all of this is-we''re supposed to be having the happiest times of our lives right now and we''re stressed out about things we shouldnt be-planning a wedding isnt half as stressful as dealing with this situation! But all in all I still love my soon to be in-laws-besides their old fashionedness they really are great people!

 

[Steel]

You are welcome!

You seem to have a really great attitude about this; well done. It can be hard to see the ''wood for the trees'' sometimes when extended families become involved, kudos to you for still being able to see your parents in law (to be) as whole people not just for their views on your living together.

Date: 12/24/2008 9:38:08 AM
Author: Nov2109

We''re going to tell them together-for one we think they wont react as badly if I''m there and two we''re trying to show them that we are in this together...and to also show them that they cant try to run his life anymore because its my life too. My parents stopped ''running'' my life when I left for college-they wanted me to learn to be an adult...not baby me anymore, and i thank them for doing that every day!

About this bit above, have a little think about the fact that you have already become independent from your parents. It is a natural, but sometimes very big step. It is your choice to speak to his parents together but I would put some thought into whether it might be ''better'' for parents and son to take that step towards his independence together (without you there). I wonder if it would make any difference in how they view you. I won''t labour the point but do think it over.

I am sorry you feel stressed PS is a great place to hang out, talk and ask for other points of view. The folks here are great at letting you rant but also giving you straight talking advice if you ask for it.

 

[pinkelephant]

Hi Nov,
My parents felt much like your FI''s parents do. My BF and I had been together for 12 years before I moved in with him. I was really worried that my parents would not approve, but I just had to do what I thought was right. At first, my parents were a bit upset and would not tell any of my relatives that I no longer lived at home. I had a good talk with my mom that there was frankly nothing to be ashamed of and that I thought it was better to be open about it then sneak around (even though we are both in our 30s). After a few months, my parents realized that it wasn''t really as big of a deal as they thought. They would still prefer us to be married, but they are accepting and supportive. I think that your FI''s parents may not be for you living together, but maybe it''s a new idea that they will get used to!

 

[AmberGretchen]

My DH''s conservative parents and grandparents were upset at first when we moved in together, but they got over it pretty fast when they realized their disapproval had very little effect on our actions, and they wanted to maintain a good relationship with us.

Good luck to you both - I hope the conversation goes well.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Obviously you are free to do whatever you wish without regard for how anyone else feels about it. As a mother, I would prefer that my daughters not move in with boyfriends for several reasons. If they were engaged and wanted to move in together, my opinion is that they should just go ahead and get married if they plan to live as if they are married.

 

[iheartscience]

You''ve gotten good advice already, so I don''t have much to add, but I do think your fiance should handle his parents himself. I think it''s always better that way, really, and in this situation it seems as if he really needs to assert his independence from his parents. With you there, it may seem to his parents like you''re making him do this.

But once you move in together, I bet they''ll come around quicker than you think. My parents (also Catholics, traditional, etc.) surprised me a little when they didn''t really care that I moved in with my boyfriend (now fiance). We had been dating for several years, they loved him, we knew we would be getting married, etc. My mom''s no dummy, and I''m sure she knew we spent pretty much every night together.

I didn''t ask, either-I just told them. I had been living on my own for several years, and although I do like my parents to be happy, they really have no control over me. Me and my mom occasionally joke about us "living in sin," which I love teasing her about!

 

[Nov2109]

thanks again for the advice! Heres an update if youd like!
We spoke with his mother about the situation together(his father is too complicated for me to handle so he tackled him alone)...at first she seemed a little upset but when we gave her our reasons she seemed to come around much more. I also explained that I would appreciate this not to be a big deal-the city we are moving to I have not a single friend or family member so this is not easy for me either(if thats not a huge commitment to him I dont know what is)...after that she warmed up to the idea much more-she said its going to take her sometime to get used to but shes happy that we want her apart of it...and she wants us to be happy(after having ordered almost all of the furnishings for our apartment i realized if i was a mother I would be upset I could not help my child out with their home and I felt the need to tell her)

He spoke with his father alone-hes more of the "traditional" non rational type...that conversation did not go very well. He actually referred to us as sinners. No regard for our lives, or what we want, need or have to do so we do not run ourselves into the ground...all my fiance could say was im sorry dad, i hope you can understand one day but we have to do this. His dad did not talk to him for three days-he called to apologize for the way he reacted but he is not ok with us living together-he advised us to get a JP wedding-after being tired of being told what to do(I can only take so much) I told him that we still wont be married in the eyes of god...I''ll get a piece of paper and write marriage certificate on it and have a notary stamp it. He was speechless for a good five minutes-I think he realized how aggravated I was and what a problem he was causing himself with his son to be talking to his fiance like a child. After a few mumbles that sounded like "well" and "I wish" he said he had to go and he would call us later.

Finally a week later his dad called again(my fiance had not gone home since this disaster) and apologized for what he said and for trying to tell us what to do. He said he is not happy about it but has had time to think about the situation(what situation i dont know hah!) and he understands that we are doing this because we have to.

SO! we are moving into our apartment in about a week-his parents seem to be on board or atleast his mother is(she came with me to pick a few things out) and things are a bit awkward with his dad but that will go away over time...I hope!

thanks again!

 

[steph72276]

Glad you told them and hopefully they will come around sooner than later!

 

[Burk]

Late to the thread, but wanted to say I''m so glad it''s working out! I''m sure his dad will come around in time also! My parents weren''t thrilled when my now DH and I moved in before we were engaged or married, but we all worked through it and in the end they even helped me move in with him!

 

[Steel]

Thanks for the update Nov,

So how do you feel about all of this? There must have been high tension for a while there.

I am pleased that your FI took the responsibility to talk to his Dad, knowing that he would be the stickler. It sounds like he (FI''s Dad) is really trying. I am surprised that he called, making first contact (twice) with you following the difference of views. This to me bodes VERY well. Firstly, because he is trying and I imagine this effort is driven by love which is fantastic. And secondly for your relationship; ''we do what we know''. If FI''s Dad is trying to meet you as a couple over an area he dissapproves it suggests that (by association) your FI will be a reasonable and concilliatory man too.

 

[bee*]

Delighted that you got it sorted out and that you told them! Enjoy moving in!