Fiance broke up with me almost 2 months ago :(

[cameeelia]

I've posted this on two other forums here, but I just need as much help as possible.


Everything was going so great, and then he ended it with me after a week break saying he was just done and wanted to move forward in his life. It's been almost two months, we've talked occasionally but he has said we'll never be together.. I don't understand. Two weeks before he took a break with me he gave me a gift that meant a lot to him from his childhood and wrote me a letter saying he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life. Things honestly were going so well but he said things from past were on his mind. I am doing well, but I don't feel complete without him... Now he is getting into drugs and not finishing his year in school. I want to be there for him, I love him. What can I do? I have reached out casually a few times after not talking for a week or so but he hasn't contacted me first so I think space is probably what is best at this point. I don't get it. We planned our entire wedding, we were doing so great then his heart changed. He says I dont have to understand. Please, anyone with any advice- what can I do?

 

[Gypsy]

I would delete the other threads. And just leave this one up, as most everyone finds themselves here on Hangout at some point. People are gonna think you are a troll.

My best advise is. There is nothing you can do at all except move forward with your life without him.

You are lost because you are grieving. He's not dead. But well, he kind of is. And what you are going through is normal for a loss. And just like a death there are no 'good' answers to the question "why" and that's sometimes the hardest thing of all, having nothing to blame that makes sense. I KNOW that telling you that what you are going through is "normal" doesn't help much, if at all. I had a loss in November (not a death, but a loss) and it was very hard to me to get to where I am now and it took me 6 months to find acceptance and I still cycle back and have bad episodes. It's natural. It's also very hard. So I am very sorry for your pain. I really am. ((HUGE HUG)) Be kind and patient with your self. Treat yourself to things that make you smile, whatever they are, and focus on taking care of YOU for a while and just put one foot in front of the other.



If you need to talk to someone through this time maybe see about finding a therapist who specializes in grief counseling and understands what you are going. The below is copied from a grief counseling site.


"7 stages of grief".
It is important to interpret the stages loosely, and expect much individual variation. There is no neat progression from one stage to the next. In reality, there is much looping back, or stages can hit at the same time, or occur out of order. So why bother with stage models at all? Because they are a good general guide of what to expect.

For example, generally, a long period of "depression" (not clinical depression), isolation, and loneliness happen late in the grief process, months after the tragedy strikes. It actually is normal and expected for you to be very depressed and sad eight months later.

Outsiders do not understand this, and feel that it should be time for you to "get over it" and rejoin the land of the living. Just knowing that your desire to be alone with your sad reflections at this time is normal will help you deal with outside pressures. You are acting normally. They just don't "get it".


7 Stages of Grief...

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

7 Stages of Grief...

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

 

[cameeelia]

Thank you for your reply. I just cannot understand how when he just told me he wants to start the rest of our life together then he could end it. I'd really like him back in my life, and it's hard to hear about what he is doing.

I cannot figure out how to delete the other threads.

I haven't been on PS for a while but many of you helped me narrow my search for my ring and I really appreciated that! I just feel so low now :/

 

[Imdanny]

My best advise is. There is nothing you can do at all except move forward with your life without him.

This.

A person who would do this (write a letter, if I'm remembering that right, saying he wanted to be with you forever, and then break up with you a short time later) is to emotionally immature to be in a relationship with you or with anyone. Furthermore, someone who would do this might suffer from extreme narcissism.

I had something happen to be almost exactly as you describe it when I was 22. If the rest of this situation plays out as it did with mine, you will realize in time how impossible a relationship was with a person of that level of emotional maturity. Not only that, looking back on it, it was fate for me to be with the person I am with now and have been for 17 years. This person that I'm talking about became very self-destructive after writing me this letter saying, "I want to be with you forever" followed soon after with one saying "I can't do this, what happened happened but it's not what I wanted". I was thinking, "You could have been with me, but you are being self-destructive? and that's what happened to this person: self-destruction.

I don't doubt you love this person, but you're not the first to go through something like this, and you won't be the last.

Hugs.

 

[Polished]

I'm new here too Kathleen. I'm blown away by people who are on this forum, like me they love sparklies, but they've also shown themselves to be so compassionate and intelligent. I know you're hurting but I think you're in the right place here.

I know you are working things through in your mind. I don't know if this helps but I think it's quite common for a couple to go through a period of quite intense loyalty, before the problems that were underneath come to the surface and one or both call an end to it. I am just an observer looking in but I actually think it's quite considerate of him to take himself off with his problems and destructive behaviour rather than embroiling you in it with him. I know it must really hurt and you hate to see it but this is his issue that he has to work through. Prayers for him.

Take some time out to pamper yourself. Also who is Kathleen minus a partner? What are her likes, tastes, interests and passions? This person matters.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I am deeply sorry Kathleen. I imagine many of us have been through that kind of heartache before and it is terrible. All I can tell you is that once you get past the dark cloud, there is usually something better in the future. I have seen this so many times. Obviously there is something wrong, whether maturity, a drug problem, mental issues, etc., and you will be thankful someday that you didn't end up living with those in a marriage. I will add, though, that there are cases where a guy gets cold feet and ends up coming back. I don't want to give you that hope, because it is best that you move on. You do need to try to do some fun things with your friends and stay as busy as you can. As Gypsy said, it is normal to be grieving and depressed at this point, but it does get better over time. Nothing we can say will take away your pain, but trust that there is something better waiting for you down the road!!! {{{hugs}}}

 

[Missy]

Kathleen, I am so sorry. Know that it wasn't meant to be and that he is not the guy you thought he was because the guy you thought he was would not treat you that way. So while you mourn for the relationship you had/wish you had with him know there are better things waiting for you and the love of your life is still out there waiting to meet you. Time is healing and when you have some more time between you and this breakup everything will start looking brighter and you will be able to look at this with more perspective. I know how much pain you must be in now but trust everything will work out for the best. They say you cannot find the great love of your life without going through something like this and I believe it to be true. It's only through seeing who is not right for you that you know who is. Sending you hugs and healing dust Kathleen.

 

[VRBeauty]

I have reached out casually a few times after not talking for a week or so but he hasn't contacted me first so I think space is probably what is best at this point.

He's told you it's over, and you - two months later - are still hoping that all he needs is some space, and he'll be back.

FIrst, it most likely will not happen. 99.9 percent most likely.

Second, even if he did decide to come back, what he did points to serious problems in either the relationship or his personality that will come back with him. As ImDanny pointed out, a mature, caring person does not do this to someone he cares about.

I understand that you've lost both someone you love and the life you thought the two of you were going to share, and you have every reason to grieve. But - maybe it's time to get some counseling to help you through this.

ETA - I'm sorry - that sounded very harsh. I am very sorry you're going through this. I know you'll make it through just fine with time. But do consider counseling to help you move through this, and maybe to help give you a better perspective on why it happened in the first place.

 

[movie zombie]

i am so very sorry that this has happened. yes, it is confusing given the statements and tokens of love just prior. however, whatever it is from his past that was weighing on his mind, well, it apparently is very very heavy and he has allowed it to take over his life. did he go somewhere during your "break" prior the complete break up of the relationship?

the reality is that only he can do something about it. he knows you love him. he knows you've reached out. what you've got to understand is that love does not conquer everything. it takes two and at this point he's said he does not want to "play". you could contact his family and see if someone can help him. you could talk to his friends. you could approach someone he respects and layout the situation for them and see if they can talk with him. whatever it is from his past is perhaps something that could take years to resolve.

the reality is that he has excluded you and does not want to accept our love and support. that is his choice. the best you can do is realize that the old saying really is true: if you love someone, let them go. if its meant to be, it will return. however, you cannot sit and wait. you cannot put your life on hold. you must learn to live with acceptance that life is sometimes complicated and not all things can be explained or known. you must move on with your life which means ceasing all contact with him.

i know this is very difficult. but you really must cease contact with him for your own sake. you cannot allow him to drag your life down just because he has made that choice. waiting for him to return is dragging your life down. keep busy. talk with family and friends. go to counseling if you can. but do not contact him!

again, i'm so very sorry you are going through this. but another reality is that in many ways he has done you a favor: he has been honest with himself and did not proceed into marriage. he's not ready. he may never be ready. had this happened after the wedding you could be facing a divorce. and i can tell you that as much as this hurts right now, it is not as hard as going through a divorce....similar but certainly not with all the legal ramnifications and financial concerns.

please take care of yourself and realize this is NOT about you but about him.

 

[decodelighted]

Before you experience something like this you don't believe it's possible. That someone can change their mind so completely -- or not know how to deal w/this "love" that they supposedly feel. People aren't born knowing how to love well. People say they want things & change their minds. People promise beyond their capacity & flake unexpectedly.

The good news is that this is a learning moment for you. You'll be better able to predict this type of immaturity & flakiness because you're going to develop a kind of spidey sense about it.

Sorry for your disappointment & heartache right now. It's hard to see that you dodged a bullet when all you want if for him to miraculously become the person you thought he already was. Can I suggest some Adele songs?

 

[distracts]

I'm sorry. Breakups are the worst. But he's made his decision and you need to move on. To do that, you probably need to cut off all contact with him. Delete his number, delete him off your facebook (and don't go typing his name into the search box!), delete his email, everything.

Don't bother trying to understand why - that never works. There's never really a reason. You want to know why because you want something to fight against, something you can change to prove to your ex that he should be with you. But it's not going to work - and he has wisely told you that you don't need a reason. And you don't, because all that matters is his decision. I was once in a similar situation to you - not alike because we weren't engaged but had been dating for almost a year, and the first time he told me he loved me and couldn't imagine life without me, he broke up with me less than five minutes later. So I know from experience that stuff messes with your head. Maybe he's totally crazy. Maybe he was struggling with these drug problems and hiding them from you and decided to drop you so he could get further into his addiction. Who knows? Come up with whatever reason helps you to move on, and then MOVE ON.

I agree with Imdanny that his actions are showing emotional immaturity. (Imdanny, coincidentally my similar experience also happened when I was 22.) I loved my ex and went through many of the feelings you seem to be having but in retrospect, my fiance is SO much better. He never plays head games to mess with me the way my ex did. My ex, btw, is now in a mutually abusive marriage (both of them are verbal and emotional abusers - I used to know his now-wife years and years ago and she is cray-cray... which is why I stopped being acquainted with her). So... glad I missed out on that one. Given your ex's drug problems, in time you will probably be glad you are not saddled with his problems. I know it's hard to see that now, but it's true.

Now is an excellent time to start a new hobby. Take all your sadness and anger and put it into making something new for yourself.

 

[cameeelia]

Thank you all so much for your support, I really appreciate it. I recieved a text from him this morning after a day because I'd asked if he wanted to help my band set up and told him I'd tell him Friday. I wasn't planning on contacting him, just waiting for him to contact me but this morning he texted me "Very cool"...Haha I just don't even know why he'd send anything if after a day he hadn't. I've been working on myself and actually just got back from a vacation in Hawaii to clear my thoughts- it helped a lot but obviously there is still hurt there.
All of your words are very helpful, and I don't find any harsh because it is what it is. I suppose I'm just still in a state of disbelief and it's making it hard to see reality.

 

[movie zombie]

you're still in shock but i think on the right path. you went somewhere and gathered your thoughts. you sound like you're in a better...meaning more realistic....space right now. expect to have good days and bad days. expect to mourn for what might have been. but please do not initiate contact with him or respond to any contact he may initiate. in fact, make it very clear you need a period of time of absolutely no contact......and enforce it. give yourself at least 3-6 months of no contact so make sure you're on the right road for YOU. i would argue there should never be contact again but that may be unrealistic........give yourself the time and space to heal. good luck!

 

[rainwood]

You've gotten some excellent advice here. Your ex (and that's what you should consider him) is wrestling with some demons of his own, and you need to stand clear so they don't drag you down with him. It's hard to let go of someone you love and it's hard to watch them make bad choices, but that's what you need to do. You won't be able to fix him or what's troubling him.

There's a hole in your heart and your life right now and that's always hard, but it will start to fill with time. Focus on yourself and the people and activities that give you joy. It will get better.

 

[HollyS]

"He's getting into drugs and not finishing school. I just want to love him."


*sigh*

1) the right person will never be into drugs
yes, pot as well as harder stuff
yes, pot
yes, I said pot too
I mean it

2) he flaked on you because he is a flake
there is no point in denying it
there is no point in defending it
it just is
he just is

3) you can't love anyone out of self-destructive behavior
nope, never
really
no, you can't





NOW, having said that, and having been a bit . . .harsh . . . I'll say that I am sorry that you are having to go through this breakup, and I know you hurt. I've been there, done that. And it is a shock to find out they can just turn it off like a switch. As if you were never important, plans hadn't been made, the ring wasn't on your finger. I know. BUT it was the best darn thing that could ever have happened to me - - even if it took a very long time to see it with crystal clear vision. Look at this with eyes wide open; maybe you'll see stuff you missed, things you should have known. Let that be your guide.