Wedding Family Vent

[shimmer]

Ok, this is just a selfish whine about my family. I just have to get it off my chest.

First, FI and I have been together 9.5 years, engaged last July. My family has known for YEARS that I wanted to get married in Hawaii, up until I got engaged they thought it was a great idea. Before engagement, I even talked to my niece and nephew about going surfing and all the fun things we would do in Hawaii with my sisters right there going along with it.

Once we got engaged we ''planned'' a wedding for May 08. By planning, I just mean that was the next logical time to get married as FI is in school, nothing was actually booked at that point. We visit FIs family at Christmas and tell them our plan. We realize it''s not a lot of warning, but everyone had been expecting a DW from us for years prior to engagement. FI''s brother that lives overseas gets engaged and calls us during this visit to announce it (he didn''t know of our engagement) and tells us his wedding is in March where he lives overseas. He wants us all there. So after many arguments and me pouting, we decide to postpone our wedding to May 09, to give FIs family time to recover from his brother''s wedding trip and my family more time to save so everyone come.

That was a lot of backstory. Anyhow, my family is mom, dad and three older sisters, two have families with young children. Once we ''finalize'' that we are getting married in May 09 in Hawaii (around Feb 0, my sister (lets call her one) starts making all these comments...''Hawaii is so expensive, why don''t you do it (insert location)'', ''why are you going to Hawaii?'' in a condescending tone. She even suggested her backyard (?!) which is about 20x20 with a trampoline and a swing set. Not even flowers or trees. Next sister (two) then also starts making comments ''we just bought a house'', ''we are spending so much on finishing our yard'' and starts suggesting closer places for wedding too.

Insert reality (I''m not totally delusional..hehe). These are valid excuses, however they have been accompanied by the following actions:

Sister 1-hubby makes a lot of money. They have/will be taking 2, yes 2 trips to caribbean THIS year, both planned after I announced my wedding plans. She also suggested that I have my wedding in caribbean at the same time they are already going.

Sister 2-both her and hubby make TONS of money, what FI and I make in a year, in one month. They take nice vacations every year. She said since they had to spend xx on yard this year that they won''t be able to go to hawaii. When I had the momentary plan of a wedding in Vegas this Aug, she said they would come, and the reason was I quote ''because DH has wanted to go to vegas for a while anyway, so that is perfect''. When I was considering San Francisco at the same time, it was a no go. That was it, she didn''t say it was because it was important for her to be at my wedding. That really hurt.

This takes the cake though. She has since planned to go to her HS friends wedding, across the country, whom she has only seen once in the past 15 years. Her whole family is flying out, etc.

Also, I went to her DW two years ago when I was unemployed!!

I don''t really mean to accomplish anything with this post, I am just really hurt and have been for many months and it is not getting better (especially with all these other vacations they are planning)and I thought I would get over it but I''m not.

 

[surfgirl]

Sadly, your sisters sound like very selfish, self-absorbed people. Have you spoken to your parents about their comments? I think you should do what is right for YOU. But I also think you need to sack up and confront your sisters when they say this nonsense to you. It doesn''t sound like you''ve said anything BACK to THEM when they give these stupid excuses. Why haven''t you said, "Gee, I noticed you planned two vacations next year, couldn''t you have one of those include going to Hawaii so you could see your own sister get married? I mean, I went to your wedding when I was unemployed..." Or, "I''m not understanding how coming to my wedding in Hawaii will really impact your life sis..." blah blah blah. They just sound really selfish. All you can do is confront them, nicely, and then let.it.go. If they dont want to come, too bad, their loss. I know it''s easier said than done but do you really think they wont come if you get married in Hawaii? Just push on and make the wedding plans you two want. Forget about the rest. It''s about the two of you, not what would be most convenient for your sisters.

 

[lala2332]

I would nicely say "this IS what we are doing. I hope that you work it out to come." The end. No more discussion.

 

[shimmer]

Thank you both for your insight.

surfgirl-you are right, I have not confronted them. I feel so hurt that they have made the decision not to come that it''s not even worth it. They obviously don''t want to be there (only if it''s convenient for them), so why should I even try to convince them? It would feel good though, to call them out on their stupid excuses, I guess that would be the only reason I would do it. I really don''t want them there after all this, but it still hurts!! Agh. There are so many emotions. Every time I bring it up to my parents they are like ''really?'' in disbelief and then they avoid/''forget'' it. That''s where I get my trouble with confrontations from!

lala-you are right about being firm. Even FIs family has tried to convince us to go elsewhere (why does everyone think they have the right to tell you where THEY think YOUR wedding should be??? boggles my mind) but in the end they always say, no matter where we have it they will be there. I''m glad that at least his family is happy to be there.

I just want to thank you again, it means more to me than I can express to have your support and listening ear. At times I think I am crazy for dwelling on this so much, I am really surprised at how hurt I still am.

 

[swingirl]

Plan your wedding the way you want, send out the invitations and accept the guests who are able to come and want to come.

I am not a proponent of destination wedding because it puts a burden on the guests to spend money and give up extra time for someone else''s fantasy. But most destination weddings are well-attended beautiful events and many families love them and enjoy making a vacation out of it.

Since it''s your wedding you do as you please and leave the selfish family members out of the planning.

 

[Izzy03]

Oh no! I feel for you!

I also want a destination wedding because I want something very small. My mom insists that I will marry locally and should "just invite 100 guests" to keep things small. Um, no. I know firsthand how annoying it is to have someone else trying to decide the biggest details of your wedding!

I really think that you should plan your wedding exactly how YOU want it, and not worry about your sisters objections. I understand it may be important to you for them to be there, but you will probably resent them if you change your plans for them. This day is about you and your finance, your sisters being there should just be a bonus.

 

[Blackpaw]

Hi Shimmer. Ým so sorry that you have to go through this. Just remember that this day is about you and your husband. Dont let the pettiness and selfýshness of others ruin it for you. Ý too wýll be havýng a DW and i know that all ill be thinking of when i walk down the aisle is the man im meeting - not who could be bothered to get off their asses and come!!!

Hope things sort themselves out

 

[Shoopy]

I’m sorry you are so frustrated and agree that it sounds like your sisters are being selfish.

However, these are the risks you run into when you decide to do a DW. I’m not saying their lame excuses are justified, but it happens and you''ll probably run into excuses like that way more often than people being excited about making the trip. I think DW’s should be planned with the intention that it would only be you and your husband and anyone else that can make it is just a plus.

 

[newbie124]

Shimmer, sorry to hear you're having these family issues.

I know that as a DW bride, one can't/shouldn't expect all guests to be able to attend, but you'd think at least your siblings would make an effort and support you! Especially when you did for their previous marriages (what is it about some married couples and etiquette/courtesies that they probably expected from their guests but somehow manage to forget once it comes time for their relatives/friends to get married??)

If it's any consolation, we're having a "destination" wedding in Napa...half my relatives already live in CA. The majority of our friends, many of whom do not live near the west coast, were very supportive of the idea of us getting married there...many said they would try to come no matter where we decided to get married. We're hoping that the people closest to us will be able to come, but we won't hold it against them if they can't.

My family on the other hand, had all sorts of nagging comments once we decided on the location. My cousin who *lives in SF* was giving me the whole "bad economy" speech and complaining about having to make the 1 hr drive to Napa and the cost of paying for a hotel for 1 night. However, he apparently would've had no problem paying for airfare and hotel to Chicago b/c he's "never been to Chicago." How does that make sense?? His sister, who also lives in SF, was the same way about worrying about the cost of a hotel for 1 night. Well, we managed to fly out there, rent a car, and stay in hotels multiple nights to attend her recent wedding. Sooo...yeah....

I'm not one to shy away from confrontation, though, (in fact, I probably need a little more discretion at times and I stood my ground and explained to all of them that we WOULD be able to find affordable places for people to stay (and we did) and if we had our wedding in Chicago it would not be less expensive for either us or many of our guests. And then I just went through with our original plan and hoped those who could come would come.

Granted a trip to Hawaii is definitely going to be more costly than just flying to CA. But I think it would be in your rights to at least talk to your sisters about how your feeling...not even necessarily to try to persuade them...but at least let it be known how hurt you are and gently remind them of previous sacrifices you've made for them. Honestly, I'm surprised your parents haven't shown more support either and tried to talk to your siblings.

Ultimately, you can't force people to attend, but I do think you should have a conversation about it with them. Otherwise if they don't/won't show, you may likely hold it against them for years and it may cause some rifts in your relationships.

 

[honey22]

I am sorry your family are being bums at this special time for you and your fiance. We are having a destination wedding and are taking our immediate family with us. We will help out those who we know could use the help with flights accom etc, but I think in your case, it almost sounds like a case of I can''t be bothered. I would say to you, that in the end it''s your wedding day and you really need to do what makes you and your fiance happy. And it that means having your wedding in Hawaii, then do it! Your family will come around to the idea eventually, especially when they realise you are serious.

Follow your dream I say, you only get to do this once. Make it exactly what you dream about!

 

[Haven]

Date: 8/4/2008 8:43:30 AM
Author: fieryred33143

I’m sorry you are so frustrated and agree that it sounds like your sisters are being selfish.

However, these are the risks you run into when you decide to do a DW. I’m not saying their lame excuses are justified, but it happens and you''ll probably run into excuses like that way more often than people being excited about making the trip. I think DW’s should be planned with the intention that it would only be you and your husband and anyone else that can make it is just a plus.

Ditto.

It must be extremely hurtful to hear that your own sisters do not value attending your DW wedding as much as they value taking family trips or going to an old friend''s HS wedding. I would be very shocked and sad to hear that from my own sisters, and I''m so sorry that yours are treating you this way. I hope in the end they can find a way to attend your wedding.

That being said, I really think DW brides should adopt Fiery''s idea--"DWs should be planned with the intention that it would only be you and your husband and anyone else that can make it is just a plus." The biggest trade-off of a DW is that the distance and cost may be too much for people who would otherwise attend your wedding.

 

[geckodani]

Hi Shimmer - I''m so sorry you''re dealing with unsupportive family members. We got married on Maui to mixed reactions as well.. so I understand how crazy that can be!

BTW - did you pick a coordinator? We used Precious Maui Weddings (I know, the name is horrid) and Deanne was great and the whole thing went off without a hitch. Well, nothing that was her fault anyway, LOL.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Shimmer,

Ditto the thing about running the risk with a DW. You cannot decide how people spend their money, be it on their house, yard or vacations. It sucks they might not attend, and very hurtful...but once you know where they are then you get to decide whats more important...having your sisters there, or getting married in Hawaii?

 

[shimmer]

Thanks for the rec, Geckodani!

Italia, thank you for chiming in...I see that a bit more now that I''ve had time to think about it rationally

 

[NYCsparkle]

As my nona says.......if you come you do me 1 favor if you don''t you do me 2...lol

have your wedding your way or you will regret it..if they don''t show it will be something they''ll regret. a wedding should not be something you regret in life, so celebrate it in hawaii....and go surfing