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vabaz

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I recently inherited diamond jewelry from a dear family member. Here''s the issue. I have 3 diamonds of comparable quality and size range 1.34-1.70 ct. I would like to give my 3 sons the option of using these diamonds for their eventual brides. However, one son is already married and his wife has a beautiful diamond ring. Next son is about to propose and third son is years away from this milestone. The son that is proposing soon would like the biggest diamond of the most popular shape (round). He has seen all three and indicated that would be his first choice. So, that leaves a pear and a marquise. Should I just hang on to those until #3 son is ready? What do I offer married son-maybe some other type jewelry like diamond earrings-do we tell the rest of the family what we have done with these diamonds (they were a bit upset that I got them all!) AND does my son tell his soon to be engaged that this diamond is a family heirloom or not? I"m worried if she then tells the rest of the family, they might be upset that I gave these diamonds to my sons. Oh dear on and on and on....any comments greatly appreciated. Thanks!
 
You can offer a diamond to the already married wife for a pendant
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Honestly, the diamonds were left to you so I think you should use them for what makes you happiest without having to feel guilty. And I think giving them to your sons is a very sweet idea!
 
Date: 12/9/2009 1:06:35 PM
Author: MakingTheGrade
You can offer a diamond to the already married wife for a pendant
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Honestly, the diamonds were left to you so I think you should use them for what makes you happiest without having to feel guilty. And I think giving them to your sons is a very sweet idea!
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I agree about these being left to you, so you may do with them whatever you wish! Let the newly engaged son take one for his bride, then offer one of the diamonds to your daughter in law (I wish my MIL would offer me a diamond!) so she can choose how she''d like to wear it. Save the third for your son who isn''t engaged yet...I bet he''d be thrilled to have something special waiting for his future fiance! I would have loved to receive an heirloom diamond!


At least you have a nice diamond for each son! it would have been harder to chose to give away two! Hope it all works out!
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I totally agree with MakingtheGrade.

If you don''t want the new DIL spilling the beans, just tell her that it''s a family heirloom, but she shouldn''t talk about it with extended family because there might be some hard feelings (or whatever other story you want to tell her). I would still absolutely tell her that it''s an heirloom. I have an heirloom diamond from DH''s family and I love it. It''s not perfect, but knowing that it''s an heirloom makes it very special to me and I''m sure she would find it very special.
 
Date: 12/9/2009 1:06:35 PM
Author: MakingTheGrade
You can offer a diamond to the already married wife for a pendant
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Honestly, the diamonds were left to you so I think you should use them for what makes you happiest without having to feel guilty. And I think giving them to your sons is a very sweet idea!
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thank you making the grade- I feel better already...but what about telling the fiance where the diamond came from and her then telling everybody in her excitment about the whole thing? And she will-she is going to be sooo happy and will want to tell the world-rightly so, eh?
 
Are the stones roughly comparable? Like, you say the round is the biggest, and I see they''re all in the same ballpark ... but do they sort of equal out in their other qualities? Do the other two have higher clarity and/or color?

I''m an only child, so family rivalry isn''t part of my lexicon, but I have to say that I really admire how scrupulously fair my husband''s parents are with him and his siblings: if they bought one of them a car or apartment or whatever, they made sure the other kids got similar value when their turn came around. It really cut down on family drama a LOT as far as I can tell.

So I''d say, circumstances being what they are ... give the about-to-be-engaged son his choice of stone. See what you can do to level the balance of value on the remaining ones (maybe have the pear or marquise set into a pendant and on a chain if it''s less valuable?) before you give one to your DIL as a present, and ditto that when the 3rd son comes of age: if he or his lady really hates the pear/marquise shape, perhaps be willing to contribute in other ways, and keep it for yourself (though I find this unlikely - who wouldn''t want a family stone?).

As for what to tell the rest of the family ... nothing! These stones were passed on to you, and what you choose to do with them is your own business. I''m sure if you ask your sons and DIL''s to keep it on the down-low, they''ll be happy to oblige. Just a little discretion between family, is all ....
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And, P.S. - You are a wonderful generous mother and MIL to immediately want to share the joy with your loved ones! Good on you.
 
You are a very generous lady. I agree the diamonds were left to you so you should do with them whatever will make you happy. However I am not a fan of secrets. Secrets are always exposed and I would be hurt (honestly) if my MIL had three diamonds and only shared one with my SIL. It would be difficult not to take something like that personally. I like things to be fair so that''s the way my brain works. I think they each should get one or you should keep them all. Let your DIL choose if she rather have a pear or MQ and maybe you can help her come up with ways to set it. Hopefully she will have a daughter and it will get passed on that way.
 
I think that if the diamonds were left to you, it''s really up to you what you do with them and the rest of the extended family will just have to accept it. It''s very sweet that you''re going to give them to your sons. I would be sure to offer one to your DIL though. I would be hurt if my MIL offered a diamond to my dh''s brothers'' wives/future wives but not to me. It might make her feel as though you don''t like her as much as the future fiancee. A pendant for your DIL would be a really special gift. I have a pendant my MIL gave me- it was given to her for her 19th bday by my FIL and I love it and wear it every day. I feel very honoured that she gave it to me. Your DIL''s are lucky to have a MIL as generous as you!
 
In families you can''t make everyone happy.

You can either drive yourself nuts trying or just do what your gut tells you and let the chips fall where they may.

Stop worrying about things that are not even problems.
 
I have to agree that since the diamonds were left to YOU then its up to you to decide whom gets them and not to worry about the rest of the family. It incredibly generous that you''re able to supply one to each son for his bride/wife. It''s nice that they get to choose but not necessary. It''s also no one''s business what you choose to do with them, hard feelings aside.
 
Three sons, three diamonds.
easy
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I wouldn''t dream of asking any of the recipients to keep it a secret however. I would find it very distasteful as a daughter-in-law, or FI, if you asked me to lie about the diamond. That''s just tacky IMO.
It''s YOUR heirloom and yours to do with as you wish. Tough if the rest of the familiy thinks it''s time for drama. No young woman should have her excitement and joy diminished by asking her to lie.
 
I agree that you shouldn''t lie about to the family or ask that it be kept a secret. Look at it this way: if you pass them on to the next generation now, there will be less squabbling about it when it is time to divide your inheritence
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I think it is fair that next son got his choice, as he is about to propose. Since third son is far from this, I don''t think it is fair to first son and his wife to just keep them waiting. I suggest you talk to third son, explain the reasoning and say that he could choose which of the two diamonds be kept for his future bride and that the third diamond will be given to first son (since a pendant is less special than an erring).

If there is a huge difference in value, then complete the gift another way. If the difference is small, I would just let it go.
 
Date: 12/9/2009 3:55:22 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Three sons, three diamonds.
easy
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I wouldn''t dream of asking any of the recipients to keep it a secret however. I would find it very distasteful as a daughter-in-law, or FI, if you asked me to lie about the diamond. That''s just tacky IMO.
It''s YOUR heirloom and yours to do with as you wish. Tough if the rest of the familiy thinks it''s time for drama. No young woman should have her excitement and joy diminished by asking her to lie.
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Agreed.

I wouldn''t worry about one diamond being worth more money than the other, and if so, how to even it out. These are family stones that were left to you by a loved one, so they are all equally valuable as I see it. I would ask the soon-to-be-proposing son which he''d prefer, then the younger, and then give the last one to your DIL.

When my grandmother died, each of her five granddaughters were given a piece of jewelery. They aren''t all valued at the same dollar amount, I''m sure, but that didn''t even enter our minds. We loved our piece because it reminds us of her, period.

I think it''s very kind of you to do this with these three stones, by the way. I hope your sons and DILs are appreciative. In my family we only hand down diamonds to the *daughters* because that way they will always stay in the family.
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First: You''re incredibly generous and thoughtful to make such a gift of your family heirlooms. I''m sure your DIL and FDIL will be thrilled; I certainly would be!

Second: I disagree slightly with Haven and Lady Disdain in that while I concur it makes sense to let the son who''s about to propose have first choice of the stones, I''d give the married son and/or his wife second choice.

My reasoning is that you already know your daughter-in-law and, presumably, like her if you''re willing to give such a treasured heirloom to her and your son. There''s no telling how long it might be until your third son finds the right woman for him (though you say it''ll be at least "years"), and it is possible that you might not entirely approve of the woman when he does. Even the most sensible people, and the ones we know the best, make strange choices in life sometimes.

So in this situation I would let the DIL have second choice and give the remaining stone to the third son.

But truly, however you choose to do this, it is very gracious of you and I can''t imagine anyone will respond with anything but gratitude.
 
What a wonderful sentiment! I think that whatever YOU DECIDE will be best.

I''ll be honest, had my husband offered me a family diamond for my wedding RING, I would not have accepted. I only mention this because your third son is so far away from marriage, and who knows if she''ll accept it heirloom pieces are not for everyone. Some women like the fact that their husband picked out that special stone, and an heiloom piece is "cheating". I''ve heard that before from some of my girlfriends who had that option, and did NOT accept.

Your first son is already married. Honestly I''d just make up your mind on which stone you think would suit his bride''s personality the best - and make a pendant for her - and give it to her for her birthday or Christmas. (Is there a granddaughter around... maybe she''d like one???)

I would absolutely LOVE a pendant or another gift from my MIL. I love my inlaws. A LOT! They are great. So this isn''t a I hate heirloom pieces thread, I think they are just divine! I''m just a bit weird in that Divorce is something that is always an unknown. I don''t want to get divorced and I spent a long time searching for my mate before marriage - in hopes we''ll never cross that path. But it is a possibility. If my husband offered me a ring w/ an family heirloom in it - and we got divorced - I''d feel horrible keeping it. It would be rightfully MINE. But I''d want his family to have it to pass to a female in the family line who would cherish it. If it were another piece of jewelry, no matter how treasured, I''d return it w/ less hesitation than my wedding jewelry - which is a piece worn day in and out - that I don''t know that I COULD return... and if it was a bitter divorce, I might keep out of spite... I might be kinder about another piece of jewelry.

Ultimately the choice is yours. I know I am married to the youngest of 3 boys. No girls. His mother is an avid jewelry collector - and has VERY different taste from my own. I still love all her jewelry - because it is so HER! My inlaws try very hard to keep things fair among the 3 boys, and never want to show preferential treatment among them. Truth is, my husband doesn''t care about the fairness factor. What is my parents is theirs to chose to give out HOWEVER they see fit. Not all the brothers see things this way. So it really depends on your children. If you think this might cause a rift with your boys- that may be something to think about. If my MIL offered any of her jewelry to be used in a ring for one of my BIL''s fiancee''s ring... I honestly wouldn''t care... as it wouldn''t have been something I would have wanted anyway... but I would say it might hurt my feelings that the offer had not been extended to my husband - who worked very hard to save up for my ring. I might have taken it as a slight that she didn''t like me. I wouldn''t have expected a gift in return as a "fair factor" I just would have wondered why the pieces weren''t ever offered then. I probably would never bring it up to my husband, and definately not to her.

So long story short it is nice that you offer. And since they are yours, and they are a gift- it is YOUR CHOICe who should get what. HUGS!
 
I love the idea of you passing on the diamonds to your sons - that is very generous of you. I would pass on the round to the son who is about to get engaged, since he has requested it. Then maybe you can show the pear & marquise to your third son (even though his engagement is years away) and see which one he prefers for his future fiance. Then you can offer the remaining diamond to your DIL as a gift - she can either make it into a pendant (pear) or a right hand ring (marquise)! Since she already has a beautiful diamond, I think that she should get last choice. Give your sons the first choice on their stones.

As far as the family goes, they should just be happy that the stones will continue to be passed down as heirlooms, as opposed to being sold or something. I think that your son should let his fiancee know that the stone is an heirloom - she will love it all the more. In my experience, those types of family secrets always tend to come out, and there are usually harder feelings later in something was hidden.
 
I agree with everyone else - do what you please with the stones, and do tell the fiancee the truth. She can figure out if she wants to go out of her way to tell family that it''s an heirloom. Besides, I hate to say this, but in the circumstance that she should divorce your son, there should be an understanding that the diamond goes back to the family.

About the second and third diamonds - if you want your daughter in laws to have them, offer the next choice to your DIL. It just makes sense. A friend of mine''s father has another brother, who is unmarried, and my friend is the only granddaughter. When her grandmother passed away, the engagement ring went to the single son, to be used for his future wife. Well, he''s 65. He has no plan to get married - ever. This beautiful heirloom sits in a box somewhere and he has no interest in it. The wedding band went to my friend''s brother, who IS recently engaged. He also had an heirloom diamond from the other side of the family given to him. When these things were offered to his fiancee, she rejected them, which made things a little awkward. She''s just not interested in heirlooms - she wants things that are new.

So, if it were me, I would give "dibs" based on honesty and who seems interested. Your son has already expressed interest, so sure, why not - give him the biggest stone. Since your DIL already exists, give her second choice. Third, "future" daughter-in-law, when or if she arrives on the scene, gets the final stone to do with as she pleases.
 
if they''re yours you don''t really owe anything to anyone...

I think a pear pendant gift for your DIL would be lovely (or you can ask her which she would prefer... first come first served! lol)
 
Vabaz - how incredibly thoughtful and generous of you
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. Your very lucky DILs will be so proud and happy to be included in that family history!


I don''t think they should have to keep it a secret - they''re your diamonds, and that you''re choosing to share them with the next generation is something the rest will only admire, I should think.


A pendant would be a lovely gift!
 
I am not sure why there should even be an issue, you are passing them on to family, so the diamonds stay in the family.

Different if you were passing them to to your favourite dog groomer, or friend who needed cheering up, you get the drift. They are family jewellery and they are still in the family.

I would definately not wait until your other son decides to get married, he may not get married ever, your DIL shoudl have second choice after your son who is getting engaged has had his pick.
how lovely for everyone
enjoy
d2b
 
I don't think it's a bad or ill intentioned idea to warn the bride-to-be that there may be some awkward feelings about it, I think she deserves that heads up if you really think her happy news will be met with uncomfortable silences or looks of disapproval. I don't think it should deter her from accepting such a sweet heirloom, but then she can exercise her own discretion of how she would like to handle the fact that it's a family diamond (and as with all families, there are ups and downs).

Honestly, most people don't ask where you bought the diamond specifically since it's kind of rude, and I know I for one didn't offer the information to people unless they asked. So maybe if you let her know the entire story, she may choose to adopt a "don't ask don't tell" policy for immediate family. If she does choose to openly share the information from the start, then I think that's her choice to make from that point. I highly doubt people would fault you for your generosity towards your sons!
 
I knew I could count on Pricescope "friends" to help me sort through this issue - thank you all so much for your comments. Hang on just a bit longer with me as I have one more question and would love your imput.

My son who is about to propose is taking round diamond and recutting (small chips)/resetting into setting of his choice for FDIL- by BGD!!!

I plan to offer second choice to third son who currently has no marriage plans. I have no idea which he will choose BUT...

Final diamond to 1st son and DIL (I do love her dearly!) - she has beautiful wedding set AND my son recently gave her a pear pendant for their 5 year anniversary so.....if the pear is the final diamond left, should I offer diamond stud earrings instead or some other piece of inherited jewelry from this same famly member? I have not had them appriased so unsure of value-somewhere around 1ctw? Or should I just give them the pear-two diamond pears are better than one right?

Yes, my goal is to keep things as fair and equal as possible. My sons are the best and do not openly compete with one another but as their Mother, I want to keep things equal between them insofar as the gifts I give them.
 
vabaz--You are so sweet. I hope your sons let you know how much they appreciate you on a regular basis.
 
Date: 12/10/2009 10:21:57 AM
Author: vabaz
I knew I could count on Pricescope ''friends'' to help me sort through this issue - thank you all so much for your comments. Hang on just a bit longer with me as I have one more question and would love your imput.


My son who is about to propose is taking round diamond and recutting (small chips)/resetting into setting of his choice for FDIL- by BGD!!!


I plan to offer second choice to third son who currently has no marriage plans. I have no idea which he will choose BUT...


Final diamond to 1st son and DIL (I do love her dearly!) - she has beautiful wedding set AND my son recently gave her a pear pendant for their 5 year anniversary so.....if the pear is the final diamond left, should I offer diamond stud earrings instead or some other piece of inherited jewelry from this same famly member? I have not had them appriased so unsure of value-somewhere around 1ctw? Or should I just give them the pear-two diamond pears are better than one right?


Yes, my goal is to keep things as fair and equal as possible. My sons are the best and do not openly compete with one another but as their Mother, I want to keep things equal between them insofar as the gifts I give them.
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Speaking as a daughter in law... Could you possibly pick some pieces out of the collection, including the single diamond and offer her a choice of what she''d like to have? That way she could choose something she''d like and then you''d both be happy!
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Heh, if the pear you''re thinking of giving her is bigger than the one your son gave her, you might want to run that by him first
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I don''t know your son, but some guys might get a bit deflated at the idea (you know how male egos can be).

But if he''s ok with it, I don''t think it''s a bad idea to present your DIL with as many options as you think is fair and comfortable, more choices are always nice.
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Date: 12/9/2009 1:02:41 PM
Author:vabaz
I recently inherited diamond jewelry from a dear family member. Here's the issue. I have 3 diamonds of comparable quality and size range 1.34-1.70 ct. I would like to give my 3 sons the option of using these diamonds for their eventual brides. However, one son is already married and his wife has a beautiful diamond ring. Next son is about to propose and third son is years away from this milestone. The son that is proposing soon would like the biggest diamond of the most popular shape (round). He has seen all three and indicated that would be his first choice. So, that leaves a pear and a marquise. Should I just hang on to those until #3 son is ready? What do I offer married son-maybe some other type jewelry like diamond earrings-do we tell the rest of the family what we have done with these diamonds (they were a bit upset that I got them all!) AND does my son tell his soon to be engaged that this diamond is a family heirloom or not? I'm worried if she then tells the rest of the family, they might be upset that I gave these diamonds to my sons. Oh dear on and on and on....any comments greatly appreciated. Thanks!
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The diamonds were left to you, so what YOU chose to do with them is up to you.

I personally think the fact that you want to gift them to your sons is very sweet and also keeps them in the 'family' so dont see how rest of the family can object.

And if your son tells his 'soon to be engaged' girl that its a heirloom and she mentions it to the rest of the family then using the 'keeps it in the family' logic should quieten them down.

But at the end of the day, they are now YOUR diamonds and YOU should do what you think is appropriate.

Alternatively you could just hang on to all 3 diamonds until grandchildern arrive and then pass them on to them (although that may be a bad plan cos what would you do if more than 3 grandchildren arrive?
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)


ETA: The only concern I have is you are offering a 'future' DIL a diamond ahead of your current DIL (who you say you love dearly). Surely someone you know and love deserves to chose the diamond they want before someone you've never even met? If my MIL did that I would be a bit offended. And if I was the last DIL to come into the family I would fully understand why I got the last pick. If I were you I would be more worried about that than about how other members of the family might react to you giving away the stones. Just my opinion. After all you will probably have more interaction with your current DIL than with cousins, nieces, aunts etc.
 
Date: 12/9/2009 5:33:11 PM
Author: tlh
What a wonderful sentiment! I think that whatever YOU DECIDE will be best.

I'll be honest, had my husband offered me a family diamond for my wedding RING, I would not have accepted. I only mention this because your third son is so far away from marriage, and who knows if she'll accept it heirloom pieces are not for everyone. Some women like the fact that their husband picked out that special stone, and an heiloom piece is 'cheating'. I've heard that before from some of my girlfriends who had that option, and did NOT accept.

Your first son is already married. Honestly I'd just make up your mind on which stone you think would suit his bride's personality the best - and make a pendant for her - and give it to her for her birthday or Christmas. (Is there a granddaughter around... maybe she'd like one???)

I would absolutely LOVE a pendant or another gift from my MIL. I love my inlaws. A LOT! They are great. So this isn't a I hate heirloom pieces thread, I think they are just divine! I'm just a bit weird in that Divorce is something that is always an unknown. I don't want to get divorced and I spent a long time searching for my mate before marriage - in hopes we'll never cross that path. But it is a possibility. If my husband offered me a ring w/ an family heirloom in it - and we got divorced - I'd feel horrible keeping it. It would be rightfully MINE. But I'd want his family to have it to pass to a female in the family line who would cherish it. If it were another piece of jewelry, no matter how treasured, I'd return it w/ less hesitation than my wedding jewelry - which is a piece worn day in and out - that I don't know that I COULD return... and if it was a bitter divorce, I might keep out of spite... I might be kinder about another piece of jewelry.

Ultimately the choice is yours. I know I am married to the youngest of 3 boys. No girls. His mother is an avid jewelry collector - and has VERY different taste from my own. I still love all her jewelry - because it is so HER! My inlaws try very hard to keep things fair among the 3 boys, and never want to show preferential treatment among them. Truth is, my husband doesn't care about the fairness factor. What is my parents is theirs to chose to give out HOWEVER they see fit. Not all the brothers see things this way. So it really depends on your children. If you think this might cause a rift with your boys- that may be something to think about. If my MIL offered any of her jewelry to be used in a ring for one of my BIL's fiancee's ring... I honestly wouldn't care... as it wouldn't have been something I would have wanted anyway... but I would say it might hurt my feelings that the offer had not been extended to my husband - who worked very hard to save up for my ring. I might have taken it as a slight that she didn't like me. I wouldn't have expected a gift in return as a 'fair factor' I just would have wondered why the pieces weren't ever offered then. I probably would never bring it up to my husband, and definately not to her.

So long story short it is nice that you offer. And since they are yours, and they are a gift- it is YOUR CHOICe who should get what. HUGS!
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tlh.
This is a great post. It covers all the options and offers extremely sensible advice.
M
 
Date: 12/10/2009 10:43:51 AM
Author: Ara Ann

Date: 12/10/2009 10:21:57 AM
Author: vabaz
I knew I could count on Pricescope ''friends'' to help me sort through this issue - thank you all so much for your comments. Hang on just a bit longer with me as I have one more question and would love your imput.


My son who is about to propose is taking round diamond and recutting (small chips)/resetting into setting of his choice for FDIL- by BGD!!!


I plan to offer second choice to third son who currently has no marriage plans. I have no idea which he will choose BUT...


Final diamond to 1st son and DIL (I do love her dearly!) - she has beautiful wedding set AND my son recently gave her a pear pendant for their 5 year anniversary so.....if the pear is the final diamond left, should I offer diamond stud earrings instead or some other piece of inherited jewelry from this same famly member? I have not had them appriased so unsure of value-somewhere around 1ctw? Or should I just give them the pear-two diamond pears are better than one right?


Yes, my goal is to keep things as fair and equal as possible. My sons are the best and do not openly compete with one another but as their Mother, I want to keep things equal between them insofar as the gifts I give them.
Click to expand...

Speaking as a daughter in law... Could you possibly pick some pieces out of the collection, including the single diamond and offer her a choice of what she''d like to have? That way she could choose something she''d like and then you''d both be happy!
21.gif
Click to expand...
Now there''s an idea - thanks, I like that!
 
Oh, yay! So glad you found a solution that you liked. I hope you''ll post pics before you give the stones to your sons - this sounds like a trio worth documenting!
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This is what i would do if i were hired by a client to split up an inherited jewelry collection...I would suggest that the three sons get something for themselves or for their brides...i however would make the stone selection a luck of the draw situation...so no son feels they had a lesser pick because of age,birth order or marriage order...put the diamonds in three matching unmarked envelopes and have each son draw an envelope out of a hat(you may need to draw numbers as to who will go first ,second and third)...so size,shape and dollar value and quality are not factors...and its completly fair...also remind them that these were family heirlooms and that they stay in the family...you can set the guildlines of the gift...can the diamonds be sold by the new owner?Who has right to the stone in the event of divorce or death?Will the stones be insured against loss or theft and by the giver or the reciever?These guildlines should be written in a card and made clear when the gift is recieved.If done right the gift will always be an appreciated family heirloom.
 
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