Wedding exs after you are married?

[swimmer]

Oh my!
For those who just got married, or are already married, what did you make of ex gentlemen friends (or gfs for you men) who contacted you after the wedding for conversation. This has been so strange. Perhaps this happened to some of you when you got engaged? When I said, "it would be best if we didn''t speak again" there was not an open time-frame on it. I''m not talking about ancient history guys, like my close bud, we "dated" in high school, now he prefers men. This is more like...well, more recent, and more weird to me that for some reason texting out of nowhere to chat...why? What on earth would we talk about? They don''t want to see wedding pictures I''d bet. Sorry, just flabbergasted. I have just not responded and feel rude, but I have nothing to say to any of them (and I''m rarely at a loss for words).

 

[MaggieB]

I still rarely speak to my high school boyfriend, who is married with kids and lives in a different state, we just shoot an occasional email to ask about family. And I share a child with my ex-husband, so we obviously speak. As far as "exes" go, I wouldn''t do anything that I wouldn''t want my fiance to do. So if you think it''s perfectly fine for your fiance to stay friends with his exes or get together to chat, I would live by that rule also. If you don''t think it''s okay, then you should show him the same courtesy.

 

[Sabine]

Are you sure they know you are married? If not, I would maybe call them to see how they are doing and find a way to slip in the married fact. If they still contact you after that, unless you want to pursue a friendship with them, I would ignore it.

 

[Rhea]

If I have something in common and enjoy the friendship I stay friends with them, as I have with two people. If not, I ignore them by not responding to their emails or phone calls. My marriage didn''t change anything about how I react to ex-boyfriends and potential friends.

 

[blondebunny]

My ex before my amazing FF would like to text me with random things... I mean we had an AWFUL relationship.. he was abusive and i had a hard time getting out of it, and he cheated on me all the time behind my back ( I didnt know) I told him I never wanted to speak to him again bcuz he never did anything good for me to keep him in my life... well I dunno but he just used to texts me with random Hi, how are you things and Id never respond bcuz I dont want to talk to him or let him think I want to talk to him... WELL one day he texts me and says "Are you pregnant?"... Well my FF grabbed my phone and looked at it for me ( I hadnt seen it) and about died...he was livid... Needless to say.. I changed my phone number the next day...

I just think its one of those things that they almost want to check in on you to make sure you are not doing better than they are... thats how he was... he was a crazy one thought... lol.. I say just ignore him... nothing good can come from it... never does...never will...

 

[Junkenpo]

I found my ex on facebook while i was searching thru my friend''s friends. i don''t know why i didn''t look for him before, but once i found him, i added him. i figured better to be up front about it than wonder if he''s wondering about my page, or vice versa.

 

[Selkie]

Odd. Maybe they do just want to offer congratulations (assuming they know you''re married). I have one college ex I stay in touch with, and DH knows and is fine with it and he even came to our wedding. BUT I''m also currently in a Mexican standoff of sorts on Facebook with an ex. We have like 8 friends in common, but it ended badly (three times, in fact. Not proud of myself with that one) and I don''t want to stir up a hornet''s nest by friending him, and I sort of assume he feels the same. Awkward. Anyway, go with your gut. If it feels like a stalkerish situation, I wouldn''t engage.

 

[Gwyn]

Whenever exs contact me, I just tell them that I am engaged to be married. Usually, any attempts at flirting stop right there. They usually mumble a few things and wish me luck and then we go back to not talking again.

None of my exes where things have ended badly have every contacted me again (though there are only 2 of those and they were a way while back).

I occasionally get guys from college that I know shooting me an email or an instant message but that usually goes how I described above.

I am extremely good friends with my ex right before FI, he is even coming to one of our wedding receptions. FI and I both enjoy his company. And I just got off the phone with a man i dated for 5 years (he just had his first child) and we had a very nice conversation.

I have found that if i am upfront about it, things rarely get akward and I don''t end up fighting off unwanted advances.

On the flip side, FI has only dated 3 other women before me (though he was 29 when we met). Since everyone is still close friends 2 of them will be attending our wedding (one lives too far). He has normal conversations with them pretty often, as do I.

 

[Shoopy]

There was a guy in my life that I dated shortly before my FI expressed interest in dating me. The guy decided to get back together with his ex-gf and so I kept up the conversations with my FI and about a month or so later, he and I started dating.

For years this guy would contact me out of the blue. I would get a random phone call to ask how I was doing and if I was still with the "Chilean" as he would call him. And every phone call I would say yes, things are going great, how are you? After, I wouldn''t hear from him for at least another 5 months or so. And the thing is that if I knew his number, I would probably ignore it too (as you are doing) but he would call with a different number every time and I would end up doing one of those "wait who is it? OH...um...hey what''s up?"

He called me about 9 months ago and I told him we were talking about marriage (total lie but I''m just bad with confrontation) and he was just so angry. I told him then never to contact me again because it was ridiculous. He hasn''t since then.

I think that if they do call, you should answer and make it clear that a friendship is not what you are looking for with these guys and that you would appreciate their respect.

 

[marchswallowbird]

These old boyfriends, IF they are still single, deep down want only one thing -- sex. It doesn't matter why they said they called or texted or emailed, even if they won't admit it to themselves they are secretly hoping you will somehow have sex with him again. Trust me on this. I have been single a LOOOOONG time, with lots of exes floating around out there. They surface every once in a while and call or email me. Usually I find out during the course of the conversation that they have just broken up with their latest girlfriend, or in the case of one guy, his fiance. This guy had pledged his undying friendship to me, and promised he wanted me as a friend no matter what. Well, guess what, eventually he always ended up telling me again that he was hoping we could have sex again. It was very insulting, and very, very disappointing to me.

Most guys will stop contacting you once you tell them you are getting married.

 

[Haven]

Date: 9/16/2008 7:55:14 PM
Author: marchswallowbird
These old boyfriends, IF they are still single, deep down want only one thing -- sex. It doesn''t matter why they said they called or texted or emailed, even if they won''t admit it to themselves they are secretly hoping you will somehow have sex with him again. Trust me on this. I have been single a LOOOOONG time, with lots of exes floating around out there. They surface every once in a while and call or email me. Usually I find out during the course of the conversation that they have just broken up with their latest girlfriend, or in the case of one guy, his fiance. This guy had pledged his undying friendship to me, and promised he wanted me as a friend no matter what. Well, guess what, eventually he always ended up telling me again that he was hoping we could have sex again. It was very insulting, and very, very disappointing to me.


Most guys will stop contacting you once you tell them you are getting married.

Ditto. My hubby once told me something very similar.

I was in a five year relationship many moons ago, and shortly after that ended all of these old guys slowly came out of the woodwork. I innocently thought they all just wanted to be friends again, but I learned one by one that they were all trying to get close enough to me to either date me or get something else out of it. It wasn''t happening, but it was very upsetting to find that out.

If you did not have a friendship with this ex before you were married, I would end it. I''m sure you both have enough friends that you won''t be lost without each other, but that''s just me.

 

[swimmer]

Great insight ladies,
I wasn''t clear, yes, they knew I got married, no, we were not ever friend-like post-relationship...and I guess the reason it bothered me is that DH has a no discussing exes policy (I know he is not in contact at all) and I sort of felt badly even being contacted out of the blue rather recently by guys that know I am now married. What ever for? I have no interest at all in having conversations with them now about anything, I''m not nostalgic. Thank you for clarifying the reasons for my feeling awk.

Thanks Selkie for giving me another reason to not facebook! hugs to you for being so fabu.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

If you have any inkling to speak with him...even it is to just gloat about your happy marriage...I would address the issue with your DH first.

My DH, when we were just engaged, spoke to his ex girlfriend occasionally. She too was engaged, and lived in PA (we live in Chicago). Nonetheless, I was livid. Mad as hell. Partially because he very casually told me about it one day, and partially because he never mentioned it before. Although we had never addressed the issue of exs and conversation head on, I assumed we--out of respect for each other and relationship--we just didn''t do it.

I told him, that if he felt the need to talk to her, that he needed to be open with it ... and face the consequences ... and my consequences are tough. Needless to say, that was enough to quall his need for "friendship" with her...and he''s never spoken with her since.

I think, when it comes to friendship...with ex''s or otherwise...when you''re married it should be a mutal decision.

 

[Octavia]

I''m still friends with one of my exes. However, we were friends for years before we ever dated, and we''ve been friends ever since. I went to his wedding a couple years ago, and I expect that he and his wife will attend mine unless they can''t swing it financially. They''ll be invited, anyway. DF knows we chat a few times a year, and he doesn''t mind, although he always refers to him as my ex-boyfriend, but I don''t actually think of him that way anymore...to me, he''s just a childhood friend.

However, I totally get the weirdness that can happen when it''s not someone who has actually settled into the friendship role. There''s another guy who I had a weird relationship with...had a crush on him for way too many years, and while we never officially dated, we were kind-of-friends in a tense, "should something happen or shouldn''t it" way, and sometimes things would happen and then we''d go back to pretending they hadn''t. It was always uncomfortable, but I was too head over heels to care. Finally, I just grew out of him, and of course that was the time he decided that we should finally be together, but I was finished with him -- he''d had thousands of chances and blew every one. Well, a couple months ago, out of the blue, he emailed me after pointedly ignoring me for three years, saying he had heard about my "status" and congratulating me. I was really startled and I still haven''t written back, not because I want to be rude, but because I just don''t know what to say. I don''t care what''s going on in his life, and I don''t really want to talk about what''s going on in mine with him, so that pretty much forecloses any conversation. Unfortunately, he lives nearby and sometimes when I''m out shopping I worry I might bump into him, but it hasn''t happened yet. Sigh.

The other couple of exes I have would never think to contact me, which is just the way I want it.

 

[Nocturnius]

My husband doesn't talk to his exes at all anymore, but that's by his choice, not mine. I actually talk to two of his exes, because we were friends in high school and I didn't think there was any reason for that to change just because we were getting married. There were no hard feelings, he just isn't interested in staying buddy-buddy with them. He does like to hear the occasional update on how they're doing, though.

His other ex, though, he couldn't care less about anything about her. I think that was a bad situation, because I mentioned her to one of his friends when he wasn't around and he said, and I quote, "dude, if he starts talking to that psycho again, tell me so I can punch him in the #$%&ing face." I don't know what happened there, but whoa.

As for my exes, I have a similar story. I still "talk" to two of my exes. By this, I mean I occasionally send them an e-mail to see how they're doing. They sent me a congratulations on the marriage. That's about it. The other ex wound up in a bizarre life; he married his 16-year-old high school sweetheart and had two kids within two years. That's great and all, but when I sent him a congratulatory card for their first child, the card was returned with his wife's writing on the cover in red, "MY HUSBAND DOESN'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU. HE IS MARRIED NOW AND DOESN'T NEED YOU. DON'T EVER SEND ANYTHING TO OUR HOUSE AGAIN." Yikes.

I think talking to exes after marriage is fine as long as there is nothing unsavoury starting up and BOTH PARTIES ARE FINE WITH IT. It is NOT okay when one party objects. You should always respect your partner, and as I have told many a friend: "which is more important, respecting your SO or talking to your ex?"


EDIT: Someone else mentioned that all exes want is sex. I disagree. I can do so because I never had sex with ANY of my exes, and my husband didn't sleep with any of his exes. So having sex "again" is not an option, because it never happened in the first place. Sometimes people talk to exes because let's face it: MOST exes do have their place in our lives. We learned from them. We shared special times with them. And sometimes we just genuinly care and want to see how life turned out for them.

 

[Gwyn]

Date: 9/17/2008 9:14:35 PM
Author: Nocturnius
My husband doesn''t talk to his exes at all anymore, but that''s by his choice, not mine. I actually talk to two of his exes, because we were friends in high school and I didn''t think there was any reason for that to change just because we were getting married. There were no hard feelings, he just isn''t interested in staying buddy-buddy with them. He does like to hear the occasional update on how they''re doing, though.

His other ex, though, he couldn''t care less about anything about her. I think that was a bad situation, because I mentioned her to one of his friends when he wasn''t around and he said, and I quote, ''dude, if he starts talking to that psycho again, tell me so I can punch him in the #$%&ing face.'' I don''t know what happened there, but whoa.

As for my exes, I have a similar story. I still ''talk'' to two of my exes. By this, I mean I occasionally send them an e-mail to see how they''re doing. They sent me a congratulations on the marriage. That''s about it. The other ex wound up in a bizarre life; he married his 16-year-old high school sweetheart and had two kids within two years. That''s great and all, but when I sent him a congratulatory card for their first child, the card was returned with his wife''s writing on the cover in red, ''MY HUSBAND DOESN''T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU. HE IS MARRIED NOW AND DOESN''T NEED YOU. DON''T EVER SEND ANYTHING TO OUR HOUSE AGAIN.'' Yikes.

I think talking to exes after marriage is fine as long as there is nothing unsavoury starting up and BOTH PARTIES ARE FINE WITH IT. It is NOT okay when one party objects. You should always respect your partner, and as I have told many a friend: ''which is more important, respecting your SO or talking to your ex?''


EDIT: Someone else mentioned that all exes want is sex. I disagree. I can do so because I never had sex with ANY of my exes, and my husband didn''t sleep with any of his exes. So having sex ''again'' is not an option, because it never happened in the first place. Sometimes people talk to exes because let''s face it: MOST exes do have their place in our lives. We learned from them. We shared special times with them. And sometimes we just genuinly care and want to see how life turned out for them.

I think that what the person said is that if they are single (and I think it is also safe to assume that they meant single and still into females) that they are contacting you again just for sex or something else out it other then just friendship.

I would have to say I agree with that statement 90% of the time, however, I dont think that that means you cannot get a friendship out of it either. I think that one of my exes that still talked with me probably wanted sex, though he knew it wasnt going to happen. We still remained friends and he now has a girlfriend and I doubt that I come to mind when he thinks about sex anymore...atleast not very often

Both of my FI''s exes that we still talk to were exes from a long time ago (high school and a few years after) I know for a fact he doesnt think of them as anything more then his friend''s signifigant others and/or long time friends (I am talking since grade school). And I think he felt no sexual feelings towards them long before we met and while he was single.

As for talking with exes, my general rule is that your own significant other needs to be 100% okay with the situation and the person you are talking to. This explains why I am friends with his exes that are in our life and vice versa. If Neither of us could befriend the other''s ex, and there was nothing like children or something tieing them to the ex, then the ex would probably we dropped from our social calender. My FI does have one ex I have not met, she doesnt live anywhere near us. Though she is the sister of his best friend and has known his family for ages, he does not talk to her. I think the main reason for this is that they really do not have anything to talk about (she has been married a while now and has children so she isnt any kind of threat to us, not that I would be worried otherwise...well maybe...if she were cuter then me). However, I think another reason that he doesnt even try to be friends with her, or even invite her to the wedding or whatever, is that I do not know her at all. And since she isn''t local, i probably will not meet her for a long time, if ever.

As another general rule, I don''t try to be friends with exes, or guys with girlfriends for that matter (Other then work related stuff or business) unless I actually know their significant other. If I have a male friend who starts dating someone (especially if this is a male friend I once dated) I try to make friends with the new GF so there isnt any issues with mine and her BFs relationship. If that can''t happen, then I back down (has only happened once that I can remember).