Home Evil FILs, their influence, and getting help

[diamondfan]

It is valuable that he is admitting fear and recognizing that he does not want to emulate his parents or their marriage. But what you pointed out is so true, he was raised in that mess so it is normal and almost second nature to him. He will have to work hard to confront this and counteract it in times of stress. I am sure there are counseling centers in your area that work on a sliding/ability to pay schedule, so try to locate one on line maybe. I would get this resolved, the sooner the better. I am not judging him, this is what he knows and it would make sense that he might fall into that quicksand, but you do not want that as your marriage norm. Also, though trust me I know it is easier said than done, please please try to stay in as minimal contact with his family. I know from bad experience that it is divisive and hurtful and as much as he might understand it on a simple level, he was raised by them and it would make sense that he might behave that way under times of stress. Please work this out now so you guys are on the same page, it only gets worse if you have children.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 6/19/2007 6:56:32 PM
Author: cellososweet
oh honey, i don''t have much to say but that i commend you on your decision to look into counseling and also how you are handling this. my in-laws are extremely disfunctional (and delusional upon occasions). i feel you. ((hug))

I''m sorry to hear that you have horrible in-laws as well. Thanks for the support.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 6/20/2007 12:57:35 AM
Author: Kit
Hey Anchor,

Just wanted to chime in and say that I think couples counseling is good, but from the sounds of it your FI needs at least 5 years of individual therapy with a psychologist or similar. Also please be vigilant against codependent tendencies on your part--it is probably easy in your situation to fall into that and it''s just so destructive in the long run. The fact that you two are even aware of what''s going on emotionally and psychologically right now is huge--kudos.

We''re planning on doing individual therapy as well. About the highlighted part - I''m not sure I understand what you mean, could you please explain?

 

[anchor31]

Date: 6/20/2007 1:09:21 AM
Author: diamondfan
It is valuable that he is admitting fear and recognizing that he does not want to emulate his parents or their marriage. But what you pointed out is so true, he was raised in that mess so it is normal and almost second nature to him. He will have to work hard to confront this and counteract it in times of stress. I am sure there are counseling centers in your area that work on a sliding/ability to pay schedule, so try to locate one on line maybe. I would get this resolved, the sooner the better. I am not judging him, this is what he knows and it would make sense that he might fall into that quicksand, but you do not want that as your marriage norm. Also, though trust me I know it is easier said than done, please please try to stay in as minimal contact with his family. I know from bad experience that it is divisive and hurtful and as much as he might understand it on a simple level, he was raised by them and it would make sense that he might behave that way under times of stress. Please work this out now so you guys are on the same page, it only gets worse if you have children.

Thanks for the support. I''ve been staying away from his parents lately and it''s been great for me. I''m more relaxed and positive. I know therapy will help, and we will try to minimize contact.

 

[phoenixgirl]

I also recommend the book Understanding the Borderline Mother. While it makes the somewhat strange choice of patterning each type of borderline mother after a fairy tale, it is very detailed and the real-life examples are very helpful. While DH hasn''t read it, there have been times when I''ve read him excerpts, and all he could say was, "Wow, that''s my mom."

 

[surfgirl]

I applaud your foresight in going to counseling, it''s helped me and my FI alot in addressing issues we''ve grown up with. Some are similar to yours. My counselor says if you want faster results in therapy, look for a Marriage/Family therapist who specializes in behavior modification. If you go to, for example, a Freudian psychiatrist, you''ll be in therapy for decades exploring how you felt as a 5 year old when you fell off your pony and your mommy didn''t hug you enough afterwards...

I think, based on what you''re saying, you pretty much know where the issues lie, so a behavior modification specialist can help you with coping skills to change how you react to trigger situations. Does that make sense? Also, ask potential therapists if they give "homework". It helps alot! Find one who does, because that''s where you see progress. If you Do the homework, you start practicing how to make different choices in behavior. And if you DONT do homework, you have to explore WHY you''re not doing your homework. So it''s all good.

There are a couple of books we were asked to read, that have good insights:

"Toxic Parents", Susan Forward.

Ill look up the other book and post it later.
Good luck!

 

[Kit]

Date: 6/20/2007 6:22:29 AM
Author: anchor31

Date: 6/20/2007 12:57:35 AM
Author: Kit
Hey Anchor,

Just wanted to chime in and say that I think couples counseling is good, but from the sounds of it your FI needs at least 5 years of individual therapy with a psychologist or similar. Also please be vigilant against codependent tendencies on your part--it is probably easy in your situation to fall into that and it''s just so destructive in the long run. The fact that you two are even aware of what''s going on emotionally and psychologically right now is huge--kudos.

We''re planning on doing individual therapy as well. About the highlighted part - I''m not sure I understand what you mean, could you please explain?

Anchor,

Sure. First, let me just say that although I really don''t know you, you appear to be pretty stable and healthy and grounded and so I''m not suggesting that codependency would be a problem in the here and now.

Second, there''s a bunch of info on the web but I like the way this site described it: http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/codependency.htm

Third, basically my Mom is codependent (classicly, like out of a textbook) after being married to my undiagnosed bipolar Dad for like 40 years. I am very sensitive to this kind of awful relationship and its negative affect on the family. So I guess what I''m envisioning with you is a possible (and worst-case) scenario in which your FI continues to struggle with his issues and over time you become codependent as a result of being with him. This is why I use the word "vigilant" above in that I was trying to suggest a very strong, proactive and sustained approach to him addressing his own problems, as well as you being highly aware that you are entering into a relationship with--well, marrying-- a man who has toxic parents and has been abused. I really believe self-awareness is the key, and you appear to have that in spades right now, so hang on to it because it will really help you in my personal experience.

It sounds as if right now you are being strong and proactive, and I would just say, keep it up!

I wish that my parents had done exactly what you two are doing right now. Instead they ignored everything and let''s just say that they are paying the consequences of that right now. Quite sad.

 

[Kit]

Date: 6/20/2007 6:24:17 AM
Author: anchor31

Date: 6/20/2007 1:09:21 AM
Author: diamondfan
It is valuable that he is admitting fear and recognizing that he does not want to emulate his parents or their marriage. But what you pointed out is so true, he was raised in that mess so it is normal and almost second nature to him. He will have to work hard to confront this and counteract it in times of stress. I am sure there are counseling centers in your area that work on a sliding/ability to pay schedule, so try to locate one on line maybe. I would get this resolved, the sooner the better. I am not judging him, this is what he knows and it would make sense that he might fall into that quicksand, but you do not want that as your marriage norm. Also, though trust me I know it is easier said than done, please please try to stay in as minimal contact with his family. I know from bad experience that it is divisive and hurtful and as much as he might understand it on a simple level, he was raised by them and it would make sense that he might behave that way under times of stress. Please work this out now so you guys are on the same page, it only gets worse if you have children.

Thanks for the support. I''ve been staying away from his parents lately and it''s been great for me. I''m more relaxed and positive. I know therapy will help, and we will try to minimize contact.

Yes, I would like to second that--what DF said. Listen to your instincts and keep your distance. With the toxic/mentally ill types, it is best to stay away unfortunatley. This can be tough at times but it is like you are just trying to keep yourself from being pulled under by their riptide or something. At least that''s how I feel about it...

Ultimatley I feel strongly that this whole thing is about and for your future children. He must break the cycle of disfunction and abuse now so that he doesn''t inadvertantly hurt his own kids. I am sure that he would never even believe that it would be possible, but today my Dad has no relationship with one of his children because he didn''t face his own abusive childhood and then for years swept everything under the rug with the help of my Mom. I am so glad that you and your FI are doing the right thing by addressing this now...I just really wanted to say that on a personal level I am grateful for your courage in this matter.

 

[Kaleigh]

Anchor,
I applaud you for seeking out counseling!! I have a MIL that was very controlling, dysfunctional, and yeah evil and a matar to boot. I wish we had sought out counseling from day one. My problems with her didn't happen until after we said the I do's. We were very close before the wedding. But once the wedding was over, the problems arose. I now have a great relationship with her, but it took a lot of me standing up to her. My husband lost his dad at an early age, he looked after her and his siblings. He loves his mother faults and all. But I stood my ground with her. Something that no one ever did. Everyone walked on egg shells with her. I said this has got to stop, it's not normal. My husband supported me all the way with her. It was hard for him, but he knew her behavior was bordering on abusive, passive aggressive. Anyway, fast foward we are very close. She has great respect for me, and I respect her. Is she wacko sometimes, yes, but I can kid her now and say, Ok enough of this!!! I hope the counseling helps. You are so wise to seek it out now, it will only help in the long run. Setting ground rules is a must. Best of luck to you guys!!!

 

[divergrrl]

Hi there..

First off, I am so sorry for what you have to go through, but very happy that you are tackling it head on.

I''m a child of abuse as well, and I went on to have a happy marriage. My DH taught me how to fight fair (no screaming, name calling, throwing things, blowing up over stupid crud), and I taught him how to talk about things NOW instead of later.

Part of my ability to do that was spending my mid-20s in therapy to deal with my temper (afraid to become my mom). Your FI needs to do that too.

Many health insurance companies cover mental health, and you can get 12 to 20 visits a year...or more---it just depends...

Also, many counselors offer sliding scales...you may want to check into that as well. Consult your local newspaper, there are often ads in the back.

Good luck to you & I''m pulling for you two!

 

[surfgirl]

I forgot to mention that in answer to your question upthread, yes, it is entirely possible to go to couples counseling and go together and then separately as well. You just have to find a counselor willing to work that way. It''s actually a great arrangement because it allows you to work on issues that affect you as a couple, and also work on the issues that are uniquely your own at the same time.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 6/20/2007 8:15:42 AM
Author: phoenixgirl
I also recommend the book Understanding the Borderline Mother. While it makes the somewhat strange choice of patterning each type of borderline mother after a fairy tale, it is very detailed and the real-life examples are very helpful. While DH hasn''t read it, there have been times when I''ve read him excerpts, and all he could say was, ''Wow, that''s my mom.''

Thanks for the recommendation. Recently I bought The Daughter-in-Law''s Survival Guide - How to relate to your Mother-in-Law. I just started it and there are questions at the end of each chapter, so we''ll see if it helps.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 6/20/2007 1:10:08 PM
Author: surfgirl
I applaud your foresight in going to counseling, it''s helped me and my FI alot in addressing issues we''ve grown up with. Some are similar to yours. My counselor says if you want faster results in therapy, look for a Marriage/Family therapist who specializes in behavior modification. If you go to, for example, a Freudian psychiatrist, you''ll be in therapy for decades exploring how you felt as a 5 year old when you fell off your pony and your mommy didn''t hug you enough afterwards...

I think, based on what you''re saying, you pretty much know where the issues lie, so a behavior modification specialist can help you with coping skills to change how you react to trigger situations. Does that make sense? Also, ask potential therapists if they give ''homework''. It helps alot! Find one who does, because that''s where you see progress. If you Do the homework, you start practicing how to make different choices in behavior. And if you DONT do homework, you have to explore WHY you''re not doing your homework. So it''s all good.

There are a couple of books we were asked to read, that have good insights:

''Toxic Parents'', Susan Forward.

Ill look up the other book and post it later.
Good luck!

Thank you for the tips, we''ll look into that.

In addition to the Daughter-in-Laws''s Survival Guide, I also bought Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward. It''s a great read so far, and I''ve learned that J''s mother is an Engulfer-Controller (has to be involved in your life, your home is her home, her happiness depends on you; she doesn''t want to let you lead your life by yourself and take your own decisions) and his father is a Critic (you never do anything right). They''re a great pair, really.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 6/20/2007 11:12:46 PM
Author: Kit

Date: 6/20/2007 6:22:29 AM
Author: anchor31

Date: 6/20/2007 12:57:35 AM
Author: Kit
Hey Anchor,

Just wanted to chime in and say that I think couples counseling is good, but from the sounds of it your FI needs at least 5 years of individual therapy with a psychologist or similar. Also please be vigilant against codependent tendencies on your part--it is probably easy in your situation to fall into that and it''s just so destructive in the long run. The fact that you two are even aware of what''s going on emotionally and psychologically right now is huge--kudos.

We''re planning on doing individual therapy as well. About the highlighted part - I''m not sure I understand what you mean, could you please explain?

Anchor,

Sure. First, let me just say that although I really don''t know you, you appear to be pretty stable and healthy and grounded and so I''m not suggesting that codependency would be a problem in the here and now.

Second, there''s a bunch of info on the web but I like the way this site described it: http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/codependency.htm

Third, basically my Mom is codependent (classicly, like out of a textbook) after being married to my undiagnosed bipolar Dad for like 40 years. I am very sensitive to this kind of awful relationship and its negative affect on the family. So I guess what I''m envisioning with you is a possible (and worst-case) scenario in which your FI continues to struggle with his issues and over time you become codependent as a result of being with him. This is why I use the word ''vigilant'' above in that I was trying to suggest a very strong, proactive and sustained approach to him addressing his own problems, as well as you being highly aware that you are entering into a relationship with--well, marrying-- a man who has toxic parents and has been abused. I really believe self-awareness is the key, and you appear to have that in spades right now, so hang on to it because it will really help you in my personal experience.

It sounds as if right now you are being strong and proactive, and I would just say, keep it up!

I wish that my parents had done exactly what you two are doing right now. Instead they ignored everything and let''s just say that they are paying the consequences of that right now. Quite sad.

Thank you very much. I would say that for the moment I don''t think I''m at risk to fall into that kind of pattern; I''m very assertive and I''m not one to put up with other people''s BS for very long. If something good came out of growing up with a physical disability, it''s certainly my strong character. I know for a fact that if J had not stood up to his mother when we got engaged, and now during the wedding planning, or if he had told me last Saturday that he didn''t want to get help and do what needs to be done for us to have a healthy marriage, I would not be with him today. I never had a ''savior complex'', and I wouldn''t settle for one-way relationships. My ex needed to be ''saved'' and was extremely jealous and demanding; let me tell you the relationship didn''t last very long... and I was only 16 at the time. I''ve always prided myself with my strength of character, and I do hope I will always have it so that later in life I will still not be at risk.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 6/21/2007 1:11:37 AM
Author: divergrrl
Hi there..

First off, I am so sorry for what you have to go through, but very happy that you are tackling it head on.

I'm a child of abuse as well, and I went on to have a happy marriage. My DH taught me how to fight fair (no screaming, name calling, throwing things, blowing up over stupid crud), and I taught him how to talk about things NOW instead of later.

Part of my ability to do that was spending my mid-20s in therapy to deal with my temper (afraid to become my mom). Your FI needs to do that too.

Many health insurance companies cover mental health, and you can get 12 to 20 visits a year...or more---it just depends...

Also, many counselors offer sliding scales...you may want to check into that as well. Consult your local newspaper, there are often ads in the back.

Good luck to you & I'm pulling for you two!

Thank you for sharing your story, it's very encouraging to hear success stories.

Thanks for the advice too, I appreciate it.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 6/21/2007 1:37:13 AM
Author: surfgirl
I forgot to mention that in answer to your question upthread, yes, it is entirely possible to go to couples counseling and go together and then separately as well. You just have to find a counselor willing to work that way. It''s actually a great arrangement because it allows you to work on issues that affect you as a couple, and also work on the issues that are uniquely your own at the same time.

That''s good to know. We''ll be sure to find something that fits our personalities and needs.