Home Evil FILs, their influence, and getting help

[anchor31]

In a nutshell, my FILs are evil, selfish, manipulative and abusive people. I might have posted about them before, I''m not sure.

On Saturday, my FI and I realized something very important and very dangerous: my FI is afraid to turn out like his abusive father. He doesn''t want to yell and scream and blackmail like his father does, so when something is wrong he closes up and shuts me out.

His parents are so screwed up that they are constantly insulting each other and have no respect for each other, and after living with them for 25 years, he sometimes projects this behaviour on other people because that''s what is "normal" to him... And I said something completely harmless on Saturday (I apologized for interrupting him, then turned to talk to my mom; we were visiting for an early Father''s Day dinner) and he actually took it like I''d told him to shut up, and he started to ignore me. I was really upset and had a very hard time trying to explain I''d actually been polite...

I ended up in tears, trying to get out of him why he was acting like a jerk, and he asked me if I''d prefer if he yelled and cussed like his father. So it hit me how afraid my FI is. Of his parents, of our marriage, of himself... And I cried even harder, for him.

His parents freak me out, and I too am afraid of what their influence could do to us. Last winter, I was particularly freaked out about his mother (she gave him a ring for his birthday, tried to talk him out of moving in with me and did a number of similar creepy icky things), and was considering therapy, but didn''t know how to bring it up with my FI. I finally had a talk with him sometime later about his mother''s attitude, and he reassured me that he would always put me first and would never let her interfere with our relationship and life. He (un)fortunately had the chance to prove himself on numerous occasions, and came through every time. I''m extremely proud of him, and I figured we''d be okay.

But now it''s obvious that something is very wrong. The burden of being raised by abusive parents is weighing on him, and he needs help. I don''t have what it takes to help him, not to mention that I could use some help dealing with my own fears about those people myself. So I suggested counselling. I''m a strong believer of therapy, and I''m not sure we can get through this without outside help. I told him that I am ready to do what needs to be done so we can have a happy, fulfilling marriage and life together, and that I need him do do his part, because I can''t do it alone. He agreed.

Now come my questions: How does one find a good couple''s counsellor? Are the costs usually covered by insurance? Do any of you have good advice I could use?

 

[Skippy123]

The only advice I have is after the wedding try to distance yourself from them. I am so sorry.

If your insurance doesn''t cover it maybe if you belong to a church see if you can get counseling there.

 

[Love in Bloom]

Hi Anchor. I'm sorry to hear about your in-laws bad habits invading your and FH's relationship. I can only suggest that you show him how you were taught to love, and what love means to you. My fi and I come from very different families; his family at times seems cold and withdrawn to me, which is quite different from my family who will hug you the first time they meet you. I just love him and try to care for him everyday the way I was taught to treat my loved ones. That said, I don't have a lot of experience as far as this is concerned, but I wish you the best in finding a good couples therapist. I think that is a wise choice.

Oh and ITA with skippy about after the wedding. It sounds like having a relationship with them would be very unhealthy.

 

[poptart]

Can''t help you on the counseling, but first wanted to say I''m sorry for the way things are going. Secondly, how close are you to his family? The BEST and MOST WONDERFUL thing we did when we got married was move AWAY. I''m talking 2500 miles, can''t visit on a whim, only answer the phone when we want to type of away. And it helped us tremendously. So if there is any chance of moving further away from them than you already are, that might be good. Not that I am saying you should run away from your problems and not get counseling, but it will let him deal with his parents on his own terms by having them physically further away. That''s about all the advice I have, sorry. I hope that you get everything settled.

*M*

 

[Ellen]

Anchor, so sorry to hear about your future family....

As for a councelor, which I totally agree you guys need, if you''re comfortable with it, ask people you know, that you respect. A lot of times that''s how good doctors, therapists, etc. are found.

And I wish you much luck in this.

 

[Love in Bloom]

Date: 6/18/2007 7:23:31 PM
Author: poptart
Can''t help you on the counseling, but first wanted to say I''m sorry for the way things are going. Secondly, how close are you to his family? The BEST and MOST WONDERFUL thing we did when we got married was move AWAY. I''m talking 2500 miles, can''t visit on a whim, only answer the phone when we want to type of away. And it helped us tremendously. So if there is any chance of moving further away from them than you already are, that might be good. Not that I am saying you should run away from your problems and not get counseling, but it will let him deal with his parents on his own terms by having them physically further away. That''s about all the advice I have, sorry. I hope that you get everything settled.

*M*

Wow that is a long way away! I only moved 800 miles away, and it turns out that is far enough b/c df''s family is too selfish to travel that far. It infuriates me because I know it hurts him

.

 

[poptart]

Date: 6/18/2007 7:29:36 PM
Author: Love in Bloom

Date: 6/18/2007 7:23:31 PM

Author: poptart

Can't help you on the counseling, but first wanted to say I'm sorry for the way things are going. Secondly, how close are you to his family? The BEST and MOST WONDERFUL thing we did when we got married was move AWAY. I'm talking 2500 miles, can't visit on a whim, only answer the phone when we want to type of away. And it helped us tremendously. So if there is any chance of moving further away from them than you already are, that might be good. Not that I am saying you should run away from your problems and not get counseling, but it will let him deal with his parents on his own terms by having them physically further away. That's about all the advice I have, sorry. I hope that you get everything settled.


*M*

Wow that is a long way away! I only moved 800 miles away, and it turns out that is far enough b/c df's family is too selfish to travel that far. It infuriates me because I know it hurts him

.

Yea it is a long way. Especially driving in the car. With your parent. Hahaha... I still have residual scars two years after the event! Just kidding.

Sorry to hear about your FI's parents. It's hard showing people how much you love them when they won't show it back.

*M*

 

[AmberWaves]

Anchor, this sucks. Let me tell you about us: I was raised in a home with parents who still slept in the same bed after being together (not married) thirty years, and they hated each other. I mean HATE. I was raised amongst yelling, name calling and violence. Luckily, my mom moved out when I did, and now it''s a little less violent. My FI, on the other hand was raised with a bi-polar dad who sadly comitted suicide after being put on anti-depressants. Although his parents loved each other more than anything, they fought a lot too, in a different way from my parents.

Now, I "communicate" by fighting because that''s all I know, and he''s afraid to fight, afraid he''ll become his dad. So we''re a small mess.

Still, we had church-sponsored marriage preparation, where we learned how we''re the product of our upbringing (can''t believe I didn''t know that) and everything we do is somehow built upon that. Now we''re trying to learn to fight right, if that makes sense.

Now, I really do think church-sponsored counseling is a god-send (no pun intended), and can help in more ways than you would imagine. Other than giving you the examples of our relationship, I just wish you both the very best. Try to learn from your various histories, it helps.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 6/18/2007 7:21:25 PM
Author: Skippy123
The only advice I have is after the wedding try to distance yourself from them. I am so sorry.

If your insurance doesn''t cover it maybe if you belong to a church see if you can get counseling there.

Moving away for us may be a tricky thing, at least for now. FI would really need to work on his English if we were to leave Québec (he is an industrial designer; the best places for him to get a great job are major cities like Montréal, Toronto, Calgary, Edmonton and Vancouver), but that can be done. We''ll see... We might be able to do that is 3-ish years once I have my degree and teaching certificate.

His parents have been talking about moving to the east of the province (300-ish miles away) for as lopng as I''ve known them once the FFIL retires, but he''s been digging himself such a financial hole that we can''t count on it anytime soon...

Asking if the church offers counselling is a great idea. We''ll be doing pre-marital counselling with my priest, it couldn''t hurt to ask if we could get some extra counselling before.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 6/18/2007 7:21:44 PM
Author: Love in Bloom
Hi Anchor. I''m sorry to hear about your in-laws bad habits invading your and FH''s relationship. I can only suggest that you show him how you were taught to love, and what love means to you. My fi and I come from very different families; his family at times seems cold and withdrawn to me, which is quite different from my family who will hug you the first time they meet you. I just love him and try to care for him everyday the way I was taught to treat my loved ones. That said, I don''t have a lot of experience as far as this is concerned, but I wish you the best in finding a good couples therapist. I think that is a wise choice.

Oh and ITA with skippy about after the wedding. It sounds like having a relationship with them would be very unhealthy.

I try to do that, I really do my best, and I think it helps in some aspects. But this fear he has, I''m not equipped to deal with it. I can tell him that he''s not his father, but on my own I can''t do more than that. Thank you for the support.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 6/18/2007 8:21:26 PM
Author: anchor31

Date: 6/18/2007 7:21:25 PM

Author: Skippy123

The only advice I have is after the wedding try to distance yourself from them. I am so sorry.


If your insurance doesn't cover it maybe if you belong to a church see if you can get counseling there.

Moving away for us may be a tricky thing, at least for now. FI would really need to work on his English if we were to leave Québec (he is an industrial designer; the best places for him to get a great job are major cities like Montréal, Toronto, Calgary, Edmonton and Vancouver), but that can be done. We'll see... We might be able to do that is 3-ish years once I have my degree and teaching certificate.


His parents have been talking about moving to the east of the province (300-ish miles away) for as lopng as I've known them once the FFIL retires, but he's been digging himself such a financial hole that we can't count on it anytime soon...

Asking if the church offers counselling is a great idea. We'll be doing pre-marital counselling with my priest, it couldn't hurt to ask if we could get some extra counselling before.

Oh great! My cousin became a deacon for our church and he is so good w/people. I am praying it works out for you. Hang in there sunshine!

 

[anchor31]

Date: 6/18/2007 7:23:31 PM
Author: poptart
Can''t help you on the counseling, but first wanted to say I''m sorry for the way things are going. Secondly, how close are you to his family? The BEST and MOST WONDERFUL thing we did when we got married was move AWAY. I''m talking 2500 miles, can''t visit on a whim, only answer the phone when we want to type of away. And it helped us tremendously. So if there is any chance of moving further away from them than you already are, that might be good. Not that I am saying you should run away from your problems and not get counseling, but it will let him deal with his parents on his own terms by having them physically further away. That''s about all the advice I have, sorry. I hope that you get everything settled.

*M*

Right now, we live in Montréal and they live in the suburbs. WAY too close. They hate driving in the city and are too lazy to take the bus/metro so we might not get disturbed too often (for now), but it''s still way too close. I''d be much more comfortable living at least 2 hours away... Sadly, as I told Skippy, that might not be possible for another 3-ish years for school and language issues.

Thanks.

 

[Love in Bloom]

Even though you do not feel necessarily equipped to deal with it, I think you are doing pretty well. Sounds like you are tackling this problem head on, lining up the resources you both need, and making every effort to stop this possible cylce. Sounds like the best method to me in this case. It takes courage a to do this and I think your efforts speak volumes about your relationship and yourself!

 

[anchor31]

Date: 6/18/2007 7:43:08 PM
Author: AmberWaves
Anchor, this sucks. Let me tell you about us: I was raised in a home with parents who still slept in the same bed after being together (not married) thirty years, and they hated each other. I mean HATE. I was raised amongst yelling, name calling and violence. Luckily, my mom moved out when I did, and now it''s a little less violent. My FI, on the other hand was raised with a bi-polar dad who sadly comitted suicide after being put on anti-depressants. Although his parents loved each other more than anything, they fought a lot too, in a different way from my parents.

Now, I ''communicate'' by fighting because that''s all I know, and he''s afraid to fight, afraid he''ll become his dad. So we''re a small mess.

Still, we had church-sponsored marriage preparation, where we learned how we''re the product of our upbringing (can''t believe I didn''t know that) and everything we do is somehow built upon that. Now we''re trying to learn to fight right, if that makes sense.

Now, I really do think church-sponsored counseling is a god-send (no pun intended), and can help in more ways than you would imagine. Other than giving you the examples of our relationship, I just wish you both the very best. Try to learn from your various histories, it helps.

His parents are similar to yours as they hate each other too, have been married thirty years and still live in the same house, sleep in the same bed. FMIL talks about moving out, but she''s pretty much all talk and no action, so I''m not waiting for that too happen. She''s much too afraid and needy, she''d only do it if it were to move in with us (she''d have to kill me first!!!

) or her daughter.

We will have pre-marital classes with our church as well. I think I''ll call and see if we can get some more counselling before the classes.

Thanks a lot, I wish you the best, too.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 6/18/2007 8:24:46 PM
Author: Skippy123

Date: 6/18/2007 8:21:26 PM
Author: anchor31

Date: 6/18/2007 7:21:25 PM

Author: Skippy123

The only advice I have is after the wedding try to distance yourself from them. I am so sorry.


If your insurance doesn''t cover it maybe if you belong to a church see if you can get counseling there.

Moving away for us may be a tricky thing, at least for now. FI would really need to work on his English if we were to leave Québec (he is an industrial designer; the best places for him to get a great job are major cities like Montréal, Toronto, Calgary, Edmonton and Vancouver), but that can be done. We''ll see... We might be able to do that is 3-ish years once I have my degree and teaching certificate.


His parents have been talking about moving to the east of the province (300-ish miles away) for as lopng as I''ve known them once the FFIL retires, but he''s been digging himself such a financial hole that we can''t count on it anytime soon...

Asking if the church offers counselling is a great idea. We''ll be doing pre-marital counselling with my priest, it couldn''t hurt to ask if we could get some extra counselling before.

Oh great! My cousin became a deacon for our church and he is so good w/people. I am praying it works out for you. Hang in there sunshine!

Thanks. I really appreciate it!

 

[anchor31]

Date: 6/18/2007 8:34:07 PM
Author: Love in Bloom
Even though you do not feel necessarily equipped to deal with it, I think you are doing pretty well. Sounds like you are tackling this problem head on, lining up the resources you both need, and making every effort to stop this possible cylce. Sounds like the best method to me in this case. It takes courage a to do this and I think your efforts speak volumes about your relationship and yourself!

You''re making me all teary-eyed... I''ve been doing a lot of introspection and stuff in the past 4 years or so... I attended psychology seminars with my mom back then and they really opened my eyes on relationship dynamics, family dynamics and influences, and how I can change my own behaviour to make my relationships and my life better. It''s pretty much a lifelong process and it''s not easy, but the results are amazing. I''m so much happier than I was 4 years ago, and there''s no way I could have dealt with this, or what recently happened with my sister, if I hadn''t been working on my patience, on how to understand people better, and on how to deal with conflicts so much. Also, my FI has helped me find my way back to God, and it helps me tremendously.

Thank you so much. PS has also been a wonderful help for the last 18 months.

 

[laine]

Anchor, you''re in college, right? I know my school offers free counseling to students and free couples counseling if one is a student, so that might be a place to start. I plan to use it for pre-marital counseling when the time comes. I figure it may not be the best, but its free and at least it would be a starting point. Good luck!!

 

[anchor31]

Date: 6/18/2007 9:58:27 PM
Author: laine
Anchor, you''re in college, right? I know my school offers free counseling to students and free couples counseling if one is a student, so that might be a place to start. I plan to use it for pre-marital counseling when the time comes. I figure it may not be the best, but its free and at least it would be a starting point. Good luck!!

I checked the school''s website and they mention individual therapy for 10$ a session, but not couples counselling. I think what would work best for us is to have individual meetings with the cousellor and then some meetings together; maybe we could work something out. Either way, the office is closed until mid-August, so we might have to look for something else. Thanks a lot.

 

[jas]

Oh Anchor -- I''m so sorry. It''s tough. I have a similar situation; more emotional abuse than anything in my FI''s family. His dad rages and his mom flits about like everything is fine. Terrifies FI whenever big "life" decisions are on the line. They live about 15 minutes from us. It is SO much easier when they go to Florida for the winter!

If I may be so bold, you may need a "two-pronged" strategy here -- yes, please find a way to work through your church, school, or local public health care system and get some couples therapy. It''s great pre-wedding anyway! Your FI may find the coping skills and strategies he was not brought up with when dealing with stress and perceived or real "slights" against him. He, in essence, has to learn how to "fight fairly" and how to deal with his fears.

Also, YOU will need to figure out some coping to deal with your FI when he is going through a bad spell...even if his bad spell lasts only a few moments. Because they do flair up, and they may flair up at the worst possible times. You''ll need your own "playbook" if you will, even if it''s to take a deep breath, take a walk around the block, emit a primal scream, and walk back in the room to talk it out with FI!

Just curious, and I apologize if I missed this somewhere, do you have family or close friends that you both can spend time with...my DH''s eyes have been opened by spending time with my parents, who have a much healthier relationship than his. Even seeing their imperfections in the relationship helps him a lot.

Needless to say, good for you for problem solving on this one. You are getting some great advice above...keep us posted!

Jackie

 

[phoenixgirl]

I just wanted to say good luck, and I think it''s great that both you and your fiance see the need for counseling and are seeking it out. Coming to that realization is the hard part; I''m sure that finding a good therapist will work out if you are both open to it.

My husband has an emotionally unstable mother, so I can sympathize. I can tell you that it''s difficult as the wife to watch a parent mistreat your spouse and to watch your spouse not know how to react. Her whole deal is that she expects her children to fulfill her emotional needs and literally sobs and screams if she feels they haven''t. She is also a liar and a manipulator. It''s very perplexing for me since I was raised in a very stable environment with a stoic mother.

I think sometimes I need to step back and allow DH to process what is going on at his own pace. If I jump in and say, "Look! She''s being a horrible mother again!" sometimes that makes him want to defend her. On the other hand, I''ve also learned that as his wife it is my place to protect him from people who are mistreating him when he is too emotionally involved to do so himself. I haven''t seen her since Thanksgiving after she stormed out of our house in front of extended family screaming that she had proved to us she loved us but we had done nothing for her. Then she called DH to rage at him, call him names, etc. He was making crazy signals with his fingers and rolling his eyes but obviously didn''t know how to disengage. He would try to say, "Mom, please listen to me," and she would scream, "NO!!! YOU LISTEN TO ME!!!" So I whispered in his ear, "She is not rational and cannot listen to your point of view right now. The only way to win is not to play. You need to end this conversation now. She is not going to pause to allow you to get a word in. You must simply announce that you are going and hang up." And he did, and it really felt like this great weight was lifted because she was clearly trying to exert power over him by not allowing him to hang up and forcing him to listen to her rant.

I have a friend with a narcissistic father, and she''s recently had to cut ties with him completely. My husband''s not at that place, although our contact with her is very limited (she lives about half an hour away but we haven''t initiated contact with her since Thanksgiving -- she''s shown up twice uninvited but I''ve never been home). Good luck to you and your fiance as you try to figure out what''s best for you.

 

[tiffanytwisted]

Some employers have an employee assistance program, which can include counseling (usually a limited number of sessions). I know you are a student, but if your FI works his employer might offer that.

 

[allycat0303]

Hey Anchor,

It''s a lot to deal with with you and for him.

http://www.argyleinstitute.org/

One of my closest friends, while doing her Master''s degree in counselling did her internship here. She is wonderful at what she does, and spoke really highly of the psychologists here. I believe she told me that for a student without annual income, it starts at 25$ a session. And they have a couple''s counselling too. You initally have a meeting with the potential counsellor, and explain briefly what you are looking for, and it really is up to you to see if you are intrested in working with the person. A lot of counsellors have different approaches to problems too, and they''ll explain to you which they use. For me it was a short-term, confrontational which I thought was very useful. Difficult, and painful, but I felt it was what I needed. I''m sure there are a zillion differnt methods, approaches and you decide if you feel this is what is right fo you.

Usually in Quebec, counselling is not covered by isurance maladie (unless you are in a major depression, or suicidal). If he is with medic (construction) it''s covered 100% by insurance.

I can''t stress enough how I think you are on the right path with this. I don''t think that your guy could have escaped being raised by an abusive without any emotional scars. They may not be apparent but there are probably some issues, and it''s good that you picked up on them. I wasn''t in therapy for that long (maybe 6-7 months) but it changed my outlook and my life dramatically.

I also found a lot of support in help groups located in Montreal (your counsellor will be able to refer your guy to some groups which may be helpful).

Hugs! Take care!

 

[princesss]

Anchor, I can''t begin to tell you how impressed I am with you and your FI that you both recognize that counselling is neccessary and are willing to go through with it. I would look into those individual counselling sessions for yourself; helping somebody you love work through something this tough is likely to put a strain on you, too. At the very least, it is somebody you could talk to about your fears and help you constructively bring them up with your FI. I am a big believer in therapy, and it sounds like couple and individual therapy may be what''s needed here, as there are likely issues your FI has that he may feel silly/embarrassed/etc. bringing up with you around (no matter how important they are, or how much you want him to be completely open, we''re all silly creatures about some things and like to keep them private).

Also, I''d probably end up buying my BF language lessons if I were in your position, haha. (I''m also a big believer in throwing money at problems and running away when possible!

)

 

[anchor31]

Date: 6/19/2007 9:19:09 AM
Author: jas
Oh Anchor -- I''m so sorry. It''s tough. I have a similar situation; more emotional abuse than anything in my FI''s family. His dad rages and his mom flits about like everything is fine. Terrifies FI whenever big ''life'' decisions are on the line. They live about 15 minutes from us. It is SO much easier when they go to Florida for the winter!

If I may be so bold, you may need a ''two-pronged'' strategy here -- yes, please find a way to work through your church, school, or local public health care system and get some couples therapy. It''s great pre-wedding anyway! Your FI may find the coping skills and strategies he was not brought up with when dealing with stress and perceived or real ''slights'' against him. He, in essence, has to learn how to ''fight fairly'' and how to deal with his fears.

Also, YOU will need to figure out some coping to deal with your FI when he is going through a bad spell...even if his bad spell lasts only a few moments. Because they do flair up, and they may flair up at the worst possible times. You''ll need your own ''playbook'' if you will, even if it''s to take a deep breath, take a walk around the block, emit a primal scream, and walk back in the room to talk it out with FI!

Just curious, and I apologize if I missed this somewhere, do you have family or close friends that you both can spend time with...my DH''s eyes have been opened by spending time with my parents, who have a much healthier relationship than his. Even seeing their imperfections in the relationship helps him a lot.

Needless to say, good for you for problem solving on this one. You are getting some great advice above...keep us posted!

Jackie

Thank you for your insight and honesty, I appreciate it. I agree that we both need therapy, together and on our own. Like you say, I need to have tools to deal with his bad spells, and I need tools to deal with the negative emotions my FILs create as well.

My FI is very comfortable around my family. My parents have a beautiful, loving marriage and we have a united family, so it''s been great for him for the last 4 years.

Thanks, Jackie!

 

[anchor31]

Date: 6/19/2007 9:22:14 AM
Author: phoenixgirl
I just wanted to say good luck, and I think it''s great that both you and your fiance see the need for counseling and are seeking it out. Coming to that realization is the hard part; I''m sure that finding a good therapist will work out if you are both open to it.

My husband has an emotionally unstable mother, so I can sympathize. I can tell you that it''s difficult as the wife to watch a parent mistreat your spouse and to watch your spouse not know how to react. Her whole deal is that she expects her children to fulfill her emotional needs and literally sobs and screams if she feels they haven''t. She is also a liar and a manipulator. It''s very perplexing for me since I was raised in a very stable environment with a stoic mother.

I think sometimes I need to step back and allow DH to process what is going on at his own pace. If I jump in and say, ''Look! She''s being a horrible mother again!'' sometimes that makes him want to defend her. On the other hand, I''ve also learned that as his wife it is my place to protect him from people who are mistreating him when he is too emotionally involved to do so himself. I haven''t seen her since Thanksgiving after she stormed out of our house in front of extended family screaming that she had proved to us she loved us but we had done nothing for her. Then she called DH to rage at him, call him names, etc. He was making crazy signals with his fingers and rolling his eyes but obviously didn''t know how to disengage. He would try to say, ''Mom, please listen to me,'' and she would scream, ''NO!!! YOU LISTEN TO ME!!!'' So I whispered in his ear, ''She is not rational and cannot listen to your point of view right now. The only way to win is not to play. You need to end this conversation now. She is not going to pause to allow you to get a word in. You must simply announce that you are going and hang up.'' And he did, and it really felt like this great weight was lifted because she was clearly trying to exert power over him by not allowing him to hang up and forcing him to listen to her rant.

I have a friend with a narcissistic father, and she''s recently had to cut ties with him completely. My husband''s not at that place, although our contact with her is very limited (she lives about half an hour away but we haven''t initiated contact with her since Thanksgiving -- she''s shown up twice uninvited but I''ve never been home). Good luck to you and your fiance as you try to figure out what''s best for you.

Eeep, you MIL sounds like my FMIL... She threw a tantrum over an engagement party she wanted my mother to plan when we got engaged, and FI and I threaten to elope if there were any more tantrums and demands... You should have heard her yell. She called him names and tried to blackmail him and talk him out of marrying me! She''s horrid.

I think it''ll help me to get some tools so I can cope with it myself, and help him too when I have to. My FMIL keeps making demands about the wedding (which she isn''t even helping to pay for), about us visiting (as if we''d want to) and inviting them over to our new apartment (I''m not even fully moved in yet)... She''s driving me insane, and I don''t know how to deal with it.

Thanks for the support.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 6/19/2007 10:00:03 AM
Author: tiffanytwisted
Some employers have an employee assistance program, which can include counseling (usually a limited number of sessions). I know you are a student, but if your FI works his employer might offer that.

Thanks, we''ll look into it.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 6/19/2007 1:58:41 PM
Author: allycat0303
Hey Anchor,

It''s a lot to deal with with you and for him.

http://www.argyleinstitute.org/

One of my closest friends, while doing her Master''s degree in counselling did her internship here. She is wonderful at what she does, and spoke really highly of the psychologists here. I believe she told me that for a student without annual income, it starts at 25$ a session. And they have a couple''s counselling too. You initally have a meeting with the potential counsellor, and explain briefly what you are looking for, and it really is up to you to see if you are intrested in working with the person. A lot of counsellors have different approaches to problems too, and they''ll explain to you which they use. For me it was a short-term, confrontational which I thought was very useful. Difficult, and painful, but I felt it was what I needed. I''m sure there are a zillion differnt methods, approaches and you decide if you feel this is what is right fo you.

Usually in Quebec, counselling is not covered by isurance maladie (unless you are in a major depression, or suicidal). If he is with medic (construction) it''s covered 100% by insurance.

I can''t stress enough how I think you are on the right path with this. I don''t think that your guy could have escaped being raised by an abusive without any emotional scars. They may not be apparent but there are probably some issues, and it''s good that you picked up on them. I wasn''t in therapy for that long (maybe 6-7 months) but it changed my outlook and my life dramatically.

I also found a lot of support in help groups located in Montreal (your counsellor will be able to refer your guy to some groups which may be helpful).

Hugs! Take care!

Ally, thank you so much for the help! Really, I can''t thank you enough. I will definitely check them out.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 6/19/2007 3:33:14 PM
Author: princesss
Anchor, I can''t begin to tell you how impressed I am with you and your FI that you both recognize that counselling is neccessary and are willing to go through with it. I would look into those individual counselling sessions for yourself; helping somebody you love work through something this tough is likely to put a strain on you, too. At the very least, it is somebody you could talk to about your fears and help you constructively bring them up with your FI. I am a big believer in therapy, and it sounds like couple and individual therapy may be what''s needed here, as there are likely issues your FI has that he may feel silly/embarrassed/etc. bringing up with you around (no matter how important they are, or how much you want him to be completely open, we''re all silly creatures about some things and like to keep them private).

Also, I''d probably end up buying my BF language lessons if I were in your position, haha. (I''m also a big believer in throwing money at problems and running away when possible!

)

Thanks. Individual sessions as well as sessions together is what I have in mind. We definitely have each our issues to work out.

As for the English lessons, he''s been looking into it himself, and I''ve been trying to help him. I think he''d love to move away. He''s a Sagittarius, and he loves travel and adventure.

 

[cellososweet]

oh honey, i don''t have much to say but that i commend you on your decision to look into counseling and also how you are handling this. my in-laws are extremely disfunctional (and delusional upon occasions). i feel you. ((hug))

 

[Kit]

Hey Anchor,

Just wanted to chime in and say that I think couples counseling is good, but from the sounds of it your FI needs at least 5 years of individual therapy with a psychologist or similar. Also please be vigilant against codependent tendencies on your part--it is probably easy in your situation to fall into that and it''s just so destructive in the long run. The fact that you two are even aware of what''s going on emotionally and psychologically right now is huge--kudos.