Wedding Don''t know what to do about my friend''s wedding...

[Sabine]

I really want to be there to see my good friend N get married. The problem is that we currently live in Hershey, PA, and she is getting married in San Jose, CA. Well, that in itself isn''t the problem, but it''s causing a whole bunch of them, namely money, time, and the fact that I think I''m going to feel really uncomfortable at the wedding.

Money is by far the biggest problem, but it''s tied in with the time issue. The flights out of our nearest airport are absolutely ridiculous, so basically, I would need to drive to Pittsburgh and fly out of there. But all the cheap flights leave at 6 AM and don''t arrive till after the wedding would begin, so I would need to fly out on Friday, which means that I would need to drive to Pittsburgh (4 hours) on Thursday, stay with one of my parents, have them take the morning off on Friday to get me to the airport, and then spend about 8.5 hours traveling to CA. I would have to fly back on Sunday evening, and then drive back to Hershey at around midnight to go to work on Monday. These are definitely not the best conditions, but I''d be willing to do it. However, the driving, flying, and hotel are going to run a total of about $600 (for me). That might not seem like a lot, but honestly, DH and I are having some money issues right now. We spent about 30 minutes yesterday trying to decide if we could afford to go see a matinee of a movie that we really wanted to see. We aren''t eating out, etc, because we''re living on a tight budget. And that $600 doesn''t include a shower gift, wedding gift, food, etc. For us personally at this time, spending that much is not something we SHOULD do, but I can make it work if I have to.

The other issue is the awkwardness of the situation. N and I know each other because our guys are in med. school together. But my husband can''t go to the wedding due to some of his Navy obligations, which we knew about ahead of time. And N just confided in me the other day that NONE of the other med. school people will be coming to the wedding, mostly due to money issues. So the only people I will know at the wedding will be N and her husband, N''s moh, who is one of my good friends, and N''s sister, who is also a bridesmaid. So I would be traveling alone, attending the wedding alone, sitting with people I don''t know at the wedding (since the 2 I know are in the wedding party), and also, to be honest, feeling a little left out since I''m good friends with the MOH too, but I''m not part of the wedding party.

In my head, I geared myself up to tell N that I just wouldn''t be able to make it. But then yesterday she confided in me just how upset she is that a lot of the important people to her are not going to be there. MOH''s husband can''t come, the other med students, her coworkers, and even a dear friend of hers who she sees as a second mother isn''t coming because she has issues flying. She then told me how much it meant to her that I would be coming. If I was going to tell her I wasn''t going to be able to come, that would have been the time to do it, but I just couldn''t. I admitted that I still had some things to work out, but that I was trying my hardest to be able to come.

To recap (or give a much shorter version for people who couldn''t make it through all that), I want to see her get married, but going would be a strain on my wallet, my time, and I would be on my own and feeling a bit left out. But if I don''t go, I will be another person who isn''t coming and I know N will be crushed. Any advice?

 

[DMBFiredancer]

if your husband cannot make it, i''d say to not go. why put yourself through feeling awkward that day? spend some of the $ you would have spent traveling on a nice gift instead.

i''m glad you posted this...it made me think about just how many out of town guests will actually come with the way flight prices and the economy is these days.

 

[stryeyes102]

Id tell her you cant attend. At the time, with all you have listed, it just doesn''t seem economical.

Perhaps talk to her about another time that you can come out to see her. A time when you can spend more time with just her. Something like having a girls weekend. I think you would get much more mileage out of that instead of feeling left out and alone at her wedding.
Plus *hopefully flights will be come down in a few months* i know, wishful thinking on my part


** side note- If your husband is in the navy you can see about catching a military flight. Only thing i have heard is that you are not always promised a spot (first come, first serve) and connections can be hit or miss. But it would be free. Just a thought!

 

[surfgirl]

Sabine, I passed on two family wedding in the past year because we needed to put our financial resources into our getting married, not someone else''s getting married, you know? I know you''re in a similar boat being newly married right now. Dont sweat it at all. But please, tell the bride ASAP that as much as you''d love to come out for her wedding, you just cant afford it right now. Period. No other excuse is needed. It doesn''t sound like a good time for you anyway so why blow several hundred dollars for a bad time?

 

[miraclesrule]

No to mention the drive to San Jose....blech. I had to do it once. There is maybe a few miles of pretty landscape, the rest...a big blah.

Sabine, it will dissapoint your friend initially. It always is that way. But she will get over it and she will still enjoy her day.

You don't want to have to regret it. I go to weddings by myself all the time, but then again, I am single. But there are only a handful of people that I would feel comfortable shelling out all that time and money to attend a wedding that far away from home.

I suppose it boils down to which decision you would end of regretting the most in the future.

 

[appletini]

don''t go, but make plans to visit her (with your hubby) when it is a more ideal scenario, plus that way you''ll actually get to spend quality time with her.

 

[swingirl]

If you would like to attend tell her you would but financially you just can't do it. If she is desperate for your attendance she can offer to help with the expenses. (you can fly into San Jose)

When is the wedding? There are some flights for $348. Look on Expedia. It is a long flight, just about coast to coast. It would make for a very grueling weekend.

 

[cara]

Yeah, its not an ideal situation. I think it is totally reasonable to decide, for yourself and your own financial situation, that it is not a good use of your time and money to go. Yes, your friend will be disappointed and you should try to have a special hang-out with her sometime around the wedding and buy her a nice gift but...

Without knowing the financial details, if you were to decide to go it might not be that bad a time. There are times when one should suck it up and, as Woody Allan would say, just show up. Is this a wedding you would have gone to alone if you were single? I totally get that it is hard to travel without your husband and to not know many people at the wedding - would you be able to hang out with the girls in the bridal party (even if you are not a bridesmaid?) One of my good college friends was in that situation recently and the bride totally wanted her hanging out with the rest of the bridal party, she just ran out of room on the podium.

Not saying you have to go AT ALL, I unfortunately missed two family wedding and a funeral earlier this summer as it just got too crazy flying across the country all the time.

Also, any reason you are not looking to fly out of the DC area? I think BWI is only two hours away from Hershey. Plus the time change is in your favor, so maybe with a more direct flight you could leave later on Friday.

Good luck. Don''t feel bad either way - it''s just a tough spot to be in.

 

[Sabine]

Thanks for all the responses!

Just to clarify a few things...N and her future hubby actually live in Hershey too, and I see her all the time, but they are getting married in San Jose because that is where they are from. I would fly into San Jose and take a cab from the airport to the hotel because apparently the hotel-wedding-reception are all within walking distance. I''m considering flying out of Pittsburgh because I would have to stay overnight to make the flight, and staying with parents is free, as is the ride to the airport and the space where I would leave my car. It would be quicker to fly out of DC or Philly, but I would have to leave my car at the airport (isn''t that expensive?) and don''t think I could make it that morning for a 6 AM flight. (Plus, I''m a scaredy-cat when it comes to driving to areas I''m not familiar with by myself, so I would be TERRIFIED to drive to DC or Philly by myself).

I wouldn''t mind going to a wedding without DH, but all the other weddings I''ve been to without him I at least have some friends or at least people I know there. I shouldn''t go. I know I shouldn''t go. But I feel so terrible, and really don''t want to tell her that I can''t go. I think I''m going to hold out hope for at least a little longer that her MOH''s husband will somehow be able to go so I at least know one other person not in the wedding party, but I know I need to decide soon...=(

 

[cara]

OK so the driving thing makes this tougher. If you were comfortable with it, then you could avoid staying overnight on Thursday by driving on Friday to a closer airport and taking a later flight. Yes parking your car costs $, but you are only going for a few days and you may be able to make up the parking money by getting a cheaper airplane ticket out of a big-market airport rather than Pitt. ie. I picked a random weekend in Sept and got flights for $250 between BWI and SJC, and parking usually costs $10-15/day, so that still would be around $300 combined.

But if you have squeezed all the money possible out of the transportation for your comfort level then it comes down to... it sounds like you don't want to go. The combination of waiting for some friend to hang out with you, money stress, and travel stress seems too much. That's OK!

I am someone who has chosen to scape together money to attend a lot of travel weddings in my twenties, and I can see my priorities maybe changing in the future. Even when fairly unencumbered, I always try to go for myself in some bit. If I will resent the expense or the hassle, that is a sign to turn it down, as most of the time any one guest is incidental to the bride and groom's happiness! This is a sad case were the bride does seem to want you there, but it happens. Be strong and make your decision and don't feel bad for it.

 

[diamondfan]

Well, it is tough. To spend nearly $1000.00 when money is tight is A LOT. But this is an important occasion, so it is hard to say just skip it. I am a big girl, I travel alone when I need to, and even I would not relish hanging out and not knowing anyone really. But you could still do it if she means a lot to you. Is there possibly a train you could look into? It might not take much more time and would likely cost a lot less. These are those tough call scenarios, because while it would be so easy to say you cannot afford it, she will be sad and you might regret missing her celebration.

 

[iheartscience]

I''d skip it. You don''t really want to go and if you and your husband can barely afford a movie, you know spending $1000 on one weekend is pretty much a terrible idea. Just tell her you were hoping you''d be able to afford it but you just can''t and you''re so sorry. Yes, she''ll be upset, but she had to realize ahead of time that getting married across the country from her current home would prevent most of her east coast friends from attending.

 

[havernell]

From what you have written, it sounds like you are entertaining the thought of going not because you feel strongly that YOU want to be at the wedding, but because you don''t want to let the bride down by telling her you''re not going. If that''s the case, I wouldn''t go.

First, it''s *not your fault* that many of her other friends from PA cannot make it to the wedding. Therefore, it shouldn''t be your "responsibility" to make up for them not being there by going yourself. What if you were the first person who told her you couldn''t come (instead of the last?) You wouldn''t be feeling this guilt then, I bet. Also, if she hadn''t recently confided to you that she''s disappointed people aren''t coming, would you feel the same way? Again, I understand you wanting to be there for your friend, but I don''t want you to go just because you feel guilted into it. Sometimes we do have to put ourselves/our finances/our schedules/our comfort first.

Second, every bride and groom have people who cannot come to their wedding (esp one clear across the country). It''s just a part of planning a wedding. I''m sure there were some people who couldn''t make it to your recent wedding, and you survived just fine. Were you thinking at all on your wedding day about who wasn''t there? Probably not. So, while I understand that your friend is upset now that people can''t come, I don''t think it''s going to ruin the day for her, you know?

I don''t mean to make it sound like supporting friends isn''t important (it truly is!), but I think you can support your friend and her upcoming wedding in other ways besides being in CA for the day. Perhaps you could organize a mini-celebration in Hershey after they return and invite all of the med-school crowd and her co-workers who couldn''t make it to CA. That way she''ll still get to celebrate her marriage with the people she wants to celebrate with!

Good luck deciding what to do.

 

[bootsiekin]

I also agree that you really shouldnt need to put yourself into debt in order to attend the wedding. I really think that the idea to celebrate with all the med school friends back in Hershey is a great idea! It could be like a second little reception.

With that said, I assume when you said you checked the nearest airport it was Harrisburg? Maybe check BWI as well? (I have lived near Pittsburgh, Gettysburg and now Philly). I understand about how driving strange places can be intimidating, but the Philly airport really isnt too bad, but I am sure parking would be expensive.

I think your friend will understand, she is probably just extra stressed because of the wedding and may seem more sensitive. I know I am getting more and more on edge as mine approaches! Just be honest with her and dont feel guilty about deciding not to go.

 

[Mediterranean]

Personally, I''d skip it, but that''s just me.

You''re describing a trip that would be, at best, pretty hectic and tiring. Now, what happens if some weather snafu grounds you, or if some flight is missed because airlines are dum-dums, or you lose a bag or something?

The budget is too tight right now to be able to afford to fish yourself out of a travel snafu, is what I''m thinking. These days, it''s not just the cost of the trip, but the cost of all the stupid mistakes the airlines keep on making! On top of it, you''re all alone, which puts all the stress upon YOU if a delay or a cancellation snags the trip. If just one thing goes wrong (like a lost bag or a missed flight or a lost reservation) I can so totally see you getting screwed for over $1,000.

She''ll be too caught up in her day to be too disappointed for too long. Besides, it''s not like you''re declining her wedding to go to the Bahamas to drink or something. I mean, you guys are skipping MATINEE flicks, for goodness sake! Since she''s also making the trip from Hershey to San Jose, she knows exactly what''s involved, and although it''s obviously worth HER while as the bride whose hometown is San Jose, I think she''ll be VERY understanding if her guests can''t make such a huge trip happen. Especially since she knows you guys are trying to pay for your OWN wedding right now.

 

[Sabine]

Thanks for all the advice! Just to update, I was over her house helping her make stamps (she has the coolest stamp making kit!) for her invitations, so I told her how conflicted I was (not to mention the fact that dh is a little weary of me spending that much money and traveling that far by myself), and let her know that there is good chance I won''t be able to go. She said she understood, but she still tried to convince me to go by offering for me to stay in the hotel room with her and the bm''s the night before the wedding, and offering her sister to drive me to airport at 4 in the morning.

I wanted to especially thank havernell and others for suggesting that I help throw a celebration in Hershey once they get back! I love that idea, and I think she would really enjoy that.

I signed up for airfarewatchdog, so I''m still hoping that something will come up that will make going possible, but as it stands, if nothing changes then I''m not going to go.

 

[Steel]

Date: 8/11/2008 2:12:52 PM
Author: Sabine
Thanks for all the advice! Just to update, I was over her house helping her make stamps (she has the coolest stamp making kit!) for her invitations, so I told her how conflicted I was (not to mention the fact that dh is a little weary of me spending that much money and traveling that far by myself), and let her know that there is good chance I won''t be able to go. She said she understood, but she still tried to convince me to go by offering for me to stay in the hotel room with her and the bm''s the night before the wedding, and offering her sister to drive me to airport at 4 in the morning.

I wanted to especially thank havernell and others for suggesting that I help throw a celebration in Hershey once they get back! I love that idea, and I think she would really enjoy that.

I signed up for airfarewatchdog, so I''m still hoping that something will come up that will make going possible, but as it stands, if nothing changes then I''m not going to go.

Well done. I am pleased you were honest. I hope you are able to go if you want to and find cheap airfare. She sounds like a nice friend, you too.