Wedding Do you think wedding etiquette rules should change?

[Shoopy]

It seems like there has been so many changes in the way we live our lives but etiquette is exactly as it was back in my grandmother’s days (and beyond).

For example, we spend all day on the computer. We email a bunch of people. Yet, people would find it “tacky” to receive a wedding invitation via email. Why? It saves on paper. It cut costs. It saves you time. You can even have it set to show up on your outlook calendar with a reminder (LOL just kidding on that one).

Or registry cards in the invite. Some people find this in poor taste. But of the people you invite to your wedding, probably only 1 to 2% won’t bring a gift. The others will be looking through your registry. So why not just make it easier and include it in the invite?

Anyway, what are your thoughts? Do you think Emily Post needs to get in touch with the times? Are there any etiquette rules that you feel is outdated?

 

[Gwyn]

Date: 9/24/2008 3:56:20 PM
Author:fieryred33143

It seems like there has been so many changes in the way we live our lives but etiquette is exactly as it was back in my grandmother’s days (and beyond).

For example, we spend all day on the computer. We email a bunch of people. Yet, people would find it “tacky” to receive a wedding invitation via email. Why? It saves on paper. It cut costs. It saves you time. You can even have it set to show up on your outlook calendar with a reminder (LOL just kidding on that one).

Or registry cards in the invite. Some people find this in poor taste. But of the people you invite to your wedding, probably only 1 to 2% won’t bring a gift. The others will be looking through your registry. So why not just make it easier and include it in the invite?

Anyway, what are your thoughts? Do you think Emily Post needs to get in touch with the times? Are there any etiquette rules that you feel is outdated?

Personally I see nothing wrong with an emailed wedding invite, the only real downside is not having something for the scrap book. If it saves trees, and money, I am all for it!

Emily Post (technically her great granddaughter) did update her ettiquette a little and now states that guests are required to send gifts. She even goes so far as to allow registry cards to be included as an insert for a shower invite. Her reasoning is "To mention gifts in the wedding invitation puts much emphasis on what the gift, and less on hoping the invited can come to the wedding -- a turnoff for most friends and relatives.

I posted the newer Post "rules" a week or so ago here https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/ettiquette-advice-from-the-post-family.95526/

 

[Rhea]

I do agree with you on the email invites. We actually requested phone or email RSVPs for the second wedding after no one on my DH's side (bar one person) returned the RSVP cards, which were all stamped.

I don't agree on including registry information. In my opinion, it looks like you are telling people what to buy you and that should never be acceptable.

A personal peeve of mine is names. I didn't change my name. I don't give a rat's arse if formally I should be addressed as Mrs. DH's name. That person doesn't not exsist. If someone wants me to attend then please address me by my actual legal name.

ETA: I agree with no registy information in the actual wedding invitation. I don't mind it being in the shower invitation. I can't explain how they are different to me.

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 9/24/2008 4:27:38 PM
Author: Gwyn


Personally I see nothing wrong with an emailed wedding invite, the only real downside is not having something for the scrap book. If it saves trees, and money, I am all for it!

Emily Post (technically her great granddaughter) did update her ettiquette a little and now states that guests are required to send gifts. She even goes so far as to allow registry cards to be included as an insert for a shower invite. Her reasoning is ''To mention gifts in the wedding invitation puts much emphasis on what the gift, and less on hoping the invited can come to the wedding -- a turnoff for most friends and relatives.

I posted the newer Post ''rules'' a week or so ago here https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/ettiquette-advice-from-the-post-family.95526/

I didn''t see that thread. Very helpful!

 

[Gwyn]

Date: 9/24/2008 4:30:10 PM
Author: Addy
I do agree with you on the email invites. We actually requested phone or email RSVPs for the second wedding after no one on my DH''s side (bar one person) returned the RSVP cards, which were all stamped.

I don''t agree on including registry information. In my opinion, it looks like you are telling people what to buy you and that should never be acceptable.

A personal peeve of mine is names. I didn''t change my name. I don''t give a rat''s arse if formally I should be addressed as Mrs. DH''s name. That person doesn''t not exsist. If someone wants me to attend then please address me by my actual legal name.

ETA: I agree with no registy information in the actual wedding invitation. I don''t mind it being in the shower invitation. I can''t explain how they are different to me.

I think the difference between them is that a wedding invite is an invitation to witness a marriage between the two people.

A shower is an invitation to a party where you give someone a gift, therefor registry information in a shower invite isnt as odd since the whole point of a shower is gifts. Sorry if that offended anyone, but that is how I see a shower and I know that many people share this feeling. Also, the origin of the shower, supposedly, was a group of townsfolk "showering" a couple with gifts so that they could be married. Something about the dad not paying the dowry or something like that.

Anyway my point is, a shower is kind of centered upon gifts while a wedding is not, therefor a registry card is more useful and less offensive.

ETA i found a story about the origin of showers and posted it below:

The bridal shower has its roots in the traditional bridal dowry. In some countries, the bridal dowry still exists and is a necessary prerequisite for any young lady to becoming married. In years gone by, if a young woman found herself without an adequate dowry and the basic necessities to start her own home, her sympathetic friends would "shower" her with enough gifts to enable her to set up housekeeping.

 

[cara]

I think the invite should be reflective of the event being thrown. If you are hosting a formal, traditional affair, a formal, traditional paper invite is appropriate. If you are hosting a modern, casual event, a modern and casual form of communication is appropriate for the invitation.

There are still things in this day and age that are NOT properly done over email. But as email becomes more ubiquitous, and is used for more formal and official communications, then it will be more commonly used for wedding invitations.

As for the registry card rule, I think that is one where the old rule updates very seamlessly to modern times. A wedding invite should not mention the gift because it is not a tit-for-tat transaction. Oh! Come to our wedding and give us a gift from here. The gracious thing to do is just issue an invitation: please come to our wedding. Then it is on the invitee to perform their part of the dance and ask where you are registered IF they want to give you something off the registry. Some will give cash, some will give nothing, some will make their own selection. It is not for the host to dictate the gift.

Showers are different because they are parties that REQUIRE gifts. The whole point is to shower the guest of honor with gifts, AND they are not supposed to be hosted by the guest(s) of honor or their immediate relatives, so including the registry information in the invite IS a convenience for the invitees and not a gift-grub initiated by the gift-receiver. (It is a gift-grub, but one initiated by whomever is hosting the party to benefit someone unrelated.)

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

I am probably going to sound very old fashioned here but I like the fact that weddings are one of the few traditions where we have kept the day steeped in tradition and etiquette. For me, it''s what sets a wedding apart from most other events. On the other hand, the lovely aspect of the times we live in are that it''s slowly becoming anything goes. You can adhere to some traditions and forego others without much fuss.

Personally I love getting invites in the mail. There''s something exciting about that big envelope and getting that very first impression from the invite alone as to what type of day this wedding could be. I almost feel like a VIP tearing into my invites.E-mail is too diluted for me.I have too many e-mail addresses, I am often times guilty of neglecting at least two accounts and seldom check my junk folder.If anything looks suspicious, I delete it.At least one of my addresses is routinely purged of old e-mails.So I’d worry too much about people overlooking the invite or having it land in a black hole someplace.

As far as registries go, I am accustomed to getting notes in both the shower invite and occasionally inside the wedding invitation. Neither situation shocks me. My pet peeve is around those who blatantly ask for money using some "cute" poem.

 

[MoonWater]

I''m not big on etiquette stuff. I didn''t even send invitations. I have no registry. I didn''t give dress code restrictions. I''m not wearing a wedding dress, I''m wearing a vintage prom dress. My MOH will not be matching us (unless it happens to work out that way). I just don''t care. The people I love and care about are coming. I know them, they know me, I trust their judgement, they trust mine. 30 days to go...woo hoo!

Oh, to answer the question, yes, the rules should change. Or at least people shouldn''t be such sticklers that they get all bent out of shape because someone didn''t follow "proper etiquette." The most important thing about the wedding, after all, is the marriage.

 

[honey22]

I am all for updating the ''rules'' but I agree that a wedding day is tradition and a very special occasion. You want to let you guests know that this day is very special and full of meaning for the both of you, and I don''t think a quick email (or Facebook group invitation for that matter) really expresses that sentiment. I like the idea of RSVP by email though, but I think invitations should stay!

 

[marchswallowbird]

Date: 9/24/2008 5:01:35 PM
Author: MoonWater

Oh, to answer the question, yes, the rules should change. Or at least people shouldn't be such sticklers that they get all bent out of shape because someone didn't follow 'proper etiquette.' The most important thing about the wedding, after all, is the marriage.

I agree with this 100 percent. Of course I hate being told I "should" do something a certain way. That word, "should" should get banned from our language!

I don't agree about emailed invitations. At the moment there is still a fairly large population of aging parents, grandparents, and other relatives who are not computer savvy. Assuming that they have email is pretentious. However, I think that providing the option of an email RSVP, for those who want to respond that way, is excellent.

I also do not agree AT ALL that if you are invited to a wedding that you should be obligated to bring or send a gift. If that's the case, then why is it such bad etiquette for the bride to put registry info on her invitation? If I'm required to bring/send a gift, why can't the bride make it easy for me to know what the heck to buy? Especially if I don't know them well. It makes absolutely no sense. Alternatively, If an invitation is about inviting people to share the joining of your two souls in marriage, then why can't you just do that? Why do you have to bring a gift?

 

[Nocturnius]

I kind of agree with the e-mail invitation, because it's cheaper. But at the same time, any older relatives would be totally offended by etiquette changes. So I think it's fine for certain people, like I invited a friend of mine by word of mouth instead of formal invite. But formal invites should always be a part of weddings, especially those that are upscale and formal.

I disagree very strongly on the registry card thing. Think of when you were a kid having a birthday party. Did you write in the card, "and don't forget to buy me something"? No, because that's rude. And that is EXACTLY what a registry card says. "Oh, hey, and don't forget: buy us something. Here's a card that'll tell you where to go to find out exactly what we want you to buy us." I think it's really rude and I have declined invitations that had registry card for this very reason. And I didn't send them anything for that reason, either. If I want your registry information, I'll ask. If you can't be bothered to be polite, I can't be bothered to buy you a gift.

What I do think should be changed is envelope etiquette. From my perspective, as a wedding guest:

I do not care if the envelope is printed, handwritten by you, done by a professional calligrapher, or has a label on it.
I do not care if you address it to Sarah R, Mrs. Sarah R, Dr. Sarah R, Dr. R, Mr. and Mrs. R, Mr. and Mrs. Austin R, Sarah and Austin R, or Dr. Sarah R, MD and Dr. Austin R, PhD. All I care is that you spell my name right (I am not Miss Sara Regalia).
I do not care if you use an ampersand in place of "and".
All I care is that I get an invitation with my name spelled correctly, a return address and that doesn't contain a registry card and I don't have to pay the difference in postage for on delivery. That's it.
(For the curious, I have had all of the above scenarios; someone misspelled my name completely, someone didn't include their address so I had no way of RSVPing, someone has a registry card, and someone actually made it a COD that I had to pay 40 cents for it when it came!)

Most other etiquette I agree with.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 9/24/2008 4:54:53 PM
Author: Keepingthefaith21

I am probably going to sound very old fashioned here but I like the fact that weddings are one of the few traditions where we have kept the day steeped in tradition and etiquette. For me, it''s what sets a wedding apart from most other events. On the other hand, the lovely aspect of the times we live in are that it''s slowly becoming anything goes. You can adhere to some traditions and forego others without much fuss.

Personally I love getting invites in the mail. There''s something exciting about that big envelope and getting that very first impression from the invite alone as to what type of day this wedding could be. I almost feel like a VIP tearing into my invites.E-mail is too diluted for me.I have too many e-mail addresses, I am often times guilty of neglecting at least two accounts and seldom check my junk folder.If anything looks suspicious, I delete it.At least one of my addresses is routinely purged of old e-mails.So I’d worry too much about people overlooking the invite or having it land in a black hole someplace.

As far as registries go, I am accustomed to getting notes in both the shower invite and occasionally inside the wedding invitation. Neither situation shocks me. My pet peeve is around those who blatantly ask for money using some ''cute'' poem.

I agree! I feel like a wedding is very different than any other type of day, and to mark that occasion, it''s nice to jazz things up a bit. I wouldn''t thing negatively if someone asked me to RSVP via e-mail, but it would feel different. I''ve never been asked to do that before. If I know I''m going to be invited to a wedding, I love checking the mailbox every few days to see if the invitation has arrived. I wouldn''t get that same almost giddy feeling if I had to open my e-mail''s in-box to see an invitation.