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Do you hold grudges?

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Shoopy

Ideal_Rock
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Just curious...

I recently met a new employee while in the restroom. She introduced herself to me and we chatted for a few minutes. Really nice lady until she got a little too comfortable with our conversation and it went south. I don''t think it was intentional but I wasn''t too happy about it.

Now we''re on a committee together and I can''t take her seriously. I don''t want to hold a grudge but its hard shaking it off.

I usually try not to hold grudges but first impressions always stick with me for some reason (I would be a horrible interviewer lol)
 
Date: 6/10/2009 10:46:18 AM
Author:fiery
Just curious...


I recently met a new employee while in the restroom. She introduced herself to me and we chatted for a few minutes. Really nice lady until she got a little too comfortable with our conversation and it went south. I don''t think it was intentional but I wasn''t too happy about it.


Now we''re on a committee together and I can''t take her seriously. I don''t want to hold a grudge but its hard shaking it off.


I usually try not to hold grudges but first impressions always stick with me for some reason (I would be a horrible interviewer lol)
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yes and no. i may not hold the grudge were as i wouldnt ever talk to them, but i wouldnt take them seriously re: what the grudge was about. unless it was a relationship really worth saving
Case in point - my ex bfriend(that sounds weird) and i got into a huge fight which i tried VERY hard to make amends. he never returned calls, letters, etc. I even sent him a graduation gift. 3 months later i saw him and he tried to give me a hug. HELL NO. i will be cordial with him, but i would never let him into my circle again.

hopefully this woman will turn things around!
 
Well, I think first impressions can be lasting impressions but my opinion has changed soon after (many times for the better). I guess just have an open mind. I have also had things come back and bite me because I was so forgiving so maybe tuck that conversation in the back of your mind. I think you are only human Fiery
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no biggie. eta: I also think people like to share too much right away, sometimes and don't realize they do that until after the fact; you are probably an easy person to talk to and probably comforting?
 
It is only human. My gut instincts are NEVER wrong. If someone gives me the gut wretch feeling... I just avoid them. It is an indescribable experience... but sometimes I get this little gut feeling that I don''t like you... if I get that feeling I have learned my gut instincts are never wrong. And this can happen w/o us ever speaking, I can sense it in the body language of a person.

But if you rub me the wrong way after speaking, I tend to be very forgiving. I don''t know where the conversation turned south, but sometimes it is hard to avoid co-workers that rub you the wrong way. I think I''d just keep it polite and cordial and see what happens... sometimes people really do, just have a bad day.
 
Date: 6/10/2009 10:59:48 AM
Author: tlh
It is only human. My gut instincts are NEVER wrong. If someone gives me the gut wretch feeling... I just avoid them. It is an indescribable experience... but sometimes I get this little gut feeling that I don''t like you... if I get that feeling I have learned my gut instincts are never wrong. And this can happen w/o us ever speaking, I can sense it in the body language of a person.

But if you rub me the wrong way after speaking, I tend to be very forgiving. I don''t know where the conversation turned south, but sometimes it is hard to avoid co-workers that rub you the wrong way. I think I''d just keep it polite and cordial and see what happens... sometimes people really do, just have a bad day.
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Ditto that.
 
yes, I do. trying to change that, but I do.
 
Yeah, I hold grudges! I tend to be over critical & sensitive of how people treat my family and me and if comments/actions are significant enough to warrant ending a relationship, if I have the choice, I will. A few family members have said awful things to me, but often I just have to write off what they've said. . .I never forget what they have said though and my TRUST of them is ALWAYS broken because I do have that grudge-holding tendancy.

With my kids, I know often kids are mean, but it only takes a few comments/actions before I hold a grudge. My son was told by one child he wasn't going to heaven for not accepting Jesus Christ as his personal savior. That alone was enough for me not to allow my son to play with that child.
 
I''m good at forgiving and moving on, especially in work environments, but I never forget when a person has done something egregious, and it changes how much I trust/respect that person.
 
Date: 6/10/2009 10:59:48 AM
Author: tlh
It is only human. My gut instincts are NEVER wrong. If someone gives me the gut wretch feeling... I just avoid them. It is an indescribable experience... but sometimes I get this little gut feeling that I don''t like you... if I get that feeling I have learned my gut instincts are never wrong. And this can happen w/o us ever speaking, I can sense it in the body language of a person.

But if you rub me the wrong way after speaking, I tend to be very forgiving. I don''t know where the conversation turned south, but sometimes it is hard to avoid co-workers that rub you the wrong way. I think I''d just keep it polite and cordial and see what happens... sometimes people really do, just have a bad day.
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tlh - My gut instincts aren''t wrong either. I''ve known one person for about 20 years and found that she would alternate between being super sweet to me and being down right horrible. My friend and I talked and I had told her that this person was "weird," because that was the only way I could explain it. I didn''t understand what was going on. Eventually she was dx with a mental disorder and all the pieces fell into place and I could see the pattern. I''m still super mad about some of the things she said to me, but now have learned *I* have the power to control how she treats me because when she goes through one of her mean phases, I avoid her!

Fiery - Without more info, it''s hard to say if what happened should be held against this person or not. How new is she? Maybe she was nervous? Hopefully, you experienced an isolated incident and the gal will prove to be a wonderful co-worker.
 
Date: 6/10/2009 11:56:50 AM
Author: MC
My son was told by one child he wasn''t going to heaven for not accepting Jesus Christ as his personal savior. That alone was enough for me not to allow my son to play with that child.
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OMG. What kind of parents does this kid have?! It''s one thing to teach them the religion you practice, but it''s another to let them think it''s ok to push it on others.

My first impression may be a lasting one, but it doesn''t always mean I will hold it against that person. I know that I personally have done REALLY stupid things upon meeting someone in the past, and I would hate if they judged me forever based on that.
 
I do and I don''t (or like to think that I don''t).
I usually do oit with my SO. I don''t say things when they bother me at th emoment, but if he gripes at me for the same thing down the line I usually bring it up.
 
Date: 6/10/2009 12:09:01 PM
Author: MonkeyPie

Date: 6/10/2009 11:56:50 AM
Author: MC
My son was told by one child he wasn''t going to heaven for not accepting Jesus Christ as his personal savior. That alone was enough for me not to allow my son to play with that child.
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OMG. What kind of parents does this kid have?! It''s one thing to teach them the religion you practice, but it''s another to let them think it''s ok to push it on others.

My first impression may be a lasting one, but it doesn''t always mean I will hold it against that person. I know that I personally have done REALLY stupid things upon meeting someone in the past, and I would hate if they judged me forever based on that.
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Strangely enough, the parents seem entirely normal. Last year I had mentioned that comment to my son''s teacher and apparently the family is highly religious. This year, I regularily interacted with the child''s sister and she''s never said anything. That was one of a few incidents where I learned that until I know the parents well, my kids shouldn''t have a playdate. They may seem fine on the surface and it always takes multiple conversations before determining their true values. With nearly all the parents I meet, we follow the same initial set of topics as protocal. . .when we become comfortable, I learn more about who they truely really are. If they are cool or not. One mom friend has Conservative Christian values (I''m liberal, free spirited
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), and have found that family NEVER brings any religious stuff up. We have a mutual respect of our differing beliefs and both know that nothing constructive will come of religious conversation. We could end up holding grudges!!!
 
I''m of the type that it takes me a few times to write off a person, but once written off, I remember- so I guess you could say I hold grudges!
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Honestly, I think it''s the Scorpio in me. Can I say that without sounding loony? It''s the whole, "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me" thing. I don''t like feeling like a fool, and if you make me feel that way for no good reason than I''m probably going to let you go on your way.
 
Yes, I do
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I don''t really because I''m a pretty bad judge of character and I know I can be wrong about people when it comes to the little things. But if someone really wrongs me, I may forgive but I will not forget.
 
Well... it depends what the grudge was initially about
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It takes a lot for me to hold a grudge. I am a forgiving person. I only hold one grudge... my MIL. Wish Diamondfan were here, she and I have the same experiences.
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No, not usually. I''m usually the type of person who can "put it where it belongs"....but if I don''t know someone and they get to me...thats different.
 
I'm not sure what you mean by the conversation "going south." However, if you saw a side of her that would impact or shed light on her contributions in this committee, it's totally appropriate to consider that information in your work-related interactions with her.

I would also keep in mind that a new employee may just be nervous, trying to make conversation, etc...

BTW in my mind there's a difference between holding a grudge and being aware character traits someone else might have that I might not like, or that might put me on my guard around them. That's just using information I have about that person to help me make decisions about how / with whom to spend my time, protect myself, etc. Holding a grudge involves some sort of active negative energy on my part, and seriously, I try to avoid it at all costs.
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I only hold grudges for "repeat offenders". For people who were mean unintentionally I can easily forgive and forget, but for chronically mean people I have not patience for them.
 
I don''t normally hold a grudge. I think it would make me more miserable than the person who offended me to begin with. There have been many bad things happen to me and I would be a complete wreck if I carried lots of bitterness.

However, if someone has done something to me I would remain wary of them. Just because I don''t hold a grudge doesn''t mean I will put myself in a position where it could happen again.
 
What if you're just good at reading people? This doesn't sound like holding a grudge to me. That implies that someone has wronged you and you'll never forget it. She didn't wrong you; she just demonstrated that she is vulgar, clueless, tasteless, or whatever the case may be, and she doesn't even have the good sense to wait until she gets to know someone better to reveal that part of herself.

Regarding the grudge question . . . I find myself agreeing with Mr. Darcy in Pride and Prejudice. "My good opinion once lost is lost forever." I don't act on having a poor opinion of someone, but I tend to avoid people who have mistreated me. "Mistreat me once, shame on you. Mistreat me twice . . ." You get the idea.

My friends agree that I have an uncanny ability to attract malevolent people's malice. I think it's because I'm reserved and I hold my cards close to my chest. A certain type of person is likely to interpret this as weakness or to think that I can be walked all over. Then, when said person tries to do just that, I am shockingly (to them) stubborn and unafraid to fight back (well, at least when I know I'm right and I think the battle's worth it).

These situations have led me to believe in some kind of karmic, universal law that malice brings malice back upon its perpetrator. The youth group leader who tried to dump his negativity on me for speaking out about his inappropriate actions was eventually convicted of child molestation (sad, I know). The principal who tried to block my transfer was eventually fired for incompetence. And so on and so forth. It's kind of creepy, actually! (Don't mess with me, right?) In these situations I stood my ground and said my piece, but I didn't need to hate the person. The same qualities that caused them to have conflict with me eventually got them in the end.
 
I once heard the quotation, "To understand all is to forgive all". I don''t always understand everything about everybody, so I don''t always feel forgiving, but I think, really, that people are who they are due to how they were raised and who they were born.

Now, I believe in taking action against evil if people are engaged in evil acts, but I don''t think that I have to hate them as I attempt to stop their evil acts. That would mean that it would be my desire not to kill them, too. I know this is going into tricky territory, but I hold some of the Quaker beliefs of my parents who were Quakers. (My father, who is still living, still is a Quaker.) My belief that there is God in all people, an "inner light", is why I oppose capital punishment.

If someone killed someone I loved, I might need to be restrained from acting rashly in my anger to harm the killer. My first impulse would probably be to kill him if I could! I believe it is the job of society to restrain me at that moment, though.

As for holding a grudge...I don''t usually. There might be some case where I did. I don''t want to rule out the possibility entirely :-).

AGBF
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No, not really. Mostly because my memory tends to be short and I am a pretty happy go lucky person. If other people want to hold grudges against me, that''s their issue...I probably don''t even know about it.

I have one grudge in my life - when I was a late teenager. That person is long gone in my life and I still don''t care for the way I feel about her when she pops into my mind. So I guess somewhere along the way, I decided grudges aren''t worth it. And this gal didn''t even do anything to me...just everyone around me.

If I can forgive my father, I can forgive anyone now I think.
 
I''m rubbish at holding grudges. Life is too short. If someone has done something that makes me question them, I''ll remember it but not much point having a grudge.
 
Nope. I''m very quick to forgive and forget. I''ve only had one incident that was hard to get over and I think it was unhealthy for me. DH suggested that every time this person popped into my head I should say "God bless her" and let it go. I was skeptical, but it worked and I''m much happier. Holding a grudge only hurts the grudger.
 
At times my DH wishes I would. He says I''m too forgiving. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. I tend to be tolerant, BUT once I''m turned off by something/ someone, that''s IT! There''s usually no turning back for me... At that point I have been more than obliging, and by that time my give-a-damn is usually broke beyond repair, lol!
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I hold grudges. I think I''ve gotten better through the years though. There used to be points early in my relationship with Fi where I wouldn''t talk to him for days after a fight and would never apologize first. I fully admit to being very stubborn. I can now accept responsibility when I''m wrong and initiate an apology. I don''t like things to drag out, but I can still be put off for a day or two if my feelings get really hurt.
 
Yes, with one of my coworkers. And no I won''t let go of it, because I''ve lost respect for the way she''s treated some of the staff and volunteers.
 
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