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Do you feel that it is your responsibility to take care of your parents in sickness/old age?

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Date: 9/16/2009 6:58:14 PM
Author: heraanderson

Wow, there''s a lot of family love in this thread.
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Although heraanderson said that she did not come from one of the many loving families from whom Pricescopers seem to have sprung, I was also struck by her observation. (And I am very sorry that you did not have the good fortune to come from such a family, heraanderson.) The outpouring of love from children towards their parents is great to read...and reflects how I feel towards my parents. (My mother is now deceased.) They gave me absolutely everything. I could never repay it in a thousand lifetimes. I only want to show my father (and wanted to show my mother) how cherished he is.

AGBF
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lol, my mom says she wants to go to a home, and just have us bring her peanuts and wine
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Dad says he wants a room in each kid's home, and he will live with each child for 4 months out of the year (there are three of us). He thinks my mom should do the same, and that once a year, they should be at the same house for 4 months, lol! I guess after 30+ years, you need some time off?
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I think he just really wants to be with his grandkids, but FI and I don't plan on any, so I'm not sure where that leaves us.

My Grandma is the last surviving grandparent for FI and I, and she is 91, living with my parents. She goes and stays with her other daughter for 2-3 months every year or two. FI's parents are about a decade younger than mine, so we might be taking care of parents for a loooong time, but I am praying for good health and longevity for all! Hehehe, a house full of both sets of parents would be marvelous!
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Lots of people to cook for and talk to!
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On the converse, we don't plan on kids, and don't expect anyone to care for us in our old age. Sigh. One more reason I need to get majorly serious about my health!
 
Absolutely!! DH became an only after his brother died at 21 and I was born and raised as an only.

We both felt a strong sense of family and wanted to return the love and care that were given to us. I have to admit, though, that my mother gave me one heck of a time in her later years.
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We live about 5 minutes away from a retirement lodge/nursing home facility. Our granddaughter who was about seven at the time told us that we could live with her when we couldn''t look after ourselves. About four years later, she asked how we felt about living so close to the ''old peoples'' home'' where we''d eventually end up. Without hesitation, I replied that it didn''t really matter because we were going to live with her and her husband. The look on her face was priceless.
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Yes, I''m the eldest of 2 girls. My parents did their best in providing us with everything we wanted and I will do the same for them.
 
Date: 9/16/2009 5:49:09 PM
Author: Aloros
Absolutely! I would consider it a privelege and not a responsibility. I adore my parents. They''re the best folks a girl could ever ask for.
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ditto...best folks this guy could ask for!
 
I don''t. It''s a parents responsibility to take care of a child, not the other way around.
 
Absolutely, 100%, without a doubt.

It''s not just a duty, it''s an honor. If anything happens, my brother and I (and our SOs) take care of it, end of story.

Thankfully I don''t have to think about this too much because my folks are still young.
 
I don''t feel that it''s my duty. My mom raised me to believe that everything you do as a parent is for the future of your children.

However, my mom is someone who I truly have unconditional love for. When she''s happy, I''m happy. When she''s hurting, I''m hurting. There is nothing in this world I wouldn''t do for her and I feel very strongly about that. So if it came to a point where she needed someone to take care of her, I wouldn''t even blink an eye. She''s my hero and it would be an honor to provide for her like she has done for me.
 
It''s easier to say "Absolutely, yes!" when you''re younger and you haven''t had to face the actual situation. I always said that I would take care of my mother because my sister lives in another country. However, my mother remarried to a difficult man who makes it hard for me to be involved in decisionmaking. I don''t get to do things the way they should be done, or plan for her future, and I have to be okay with that. My mother has Alzheimer''s and if her husband dies or becomes incapacitated, she will have to go into assisted living for dementia patients, and I will have to figure out how to pay for it. There is no way I''m in a position to give her the 24/7 care that she will need for the rest of her life. I work, my husband has cancer and also needs my help when he''s in treatment, and I have other obligations and demands on my time. I will do what I can, and have to be at peace with that.
 
Interesting thread.

I will absolutely do all I can for my mother (my father is deceased) for the rest of her life. She can count on me. It is my honor and my privelege.

I am not an only child, in fact I am the youngest... and while I know I could count on help from my sisters (especially my oldest one), it has become very clear through the years that Mom is "mine". And I'm fine with that.

I can understand how children from indifferent, unloving or abusive homes may struggle with this issue, or simply disagree... and I can understand those feelings, and pass no judgment.

But I strongly believe that when parents raise their families with love, taking good care of their children while they cannot yet care for themselves ... that the parents (when they are no longer able to care for themselves) deserve no less from their adult children.

ETA: I also absolutely understand and agree that sometimes the best care that a loving adult child can provide to their aging parent(s) may not be with them in their own home. Everyone's situations (and limitations) are different, and sometimes older ones undeniably need the 24 hour skilled care of a nursing home, etc. I hope it never comes to that with my mother; I would take her in with me if at all possible first. But there can come a time when someone needs more care than you can safely, reasonably provide. In that case, though, it would still be very important for me to remain actively involved in my mother's daily life, visiting often, and working hard to do all in my power to make sure she felt loved and cared for and that all of her needs were being met.
 
I am sure DH and I will care for his parents if they ever need it. DH helped me with my mom, and it was the hardest thing I have ever done. Before she became
really ill, I was pregnant with 5 child and moved almost 100 miles away. I drove down with a new baby several times a week to care for her. When she couldnt
live in a assisted living home we found a highly recommended group home. It turned out not to be that great but by then her health and dementia had worsened,
and it would have been too hard on her to move again. I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. I did the best I could at the time, but I wish it had been
better.

Since then I have had two kids involved in major car accidents that I spent a couple years rehabing. I hope DH''s parents stay healthly long enough for my
children to all (finally!) move out and we have a few years of couple only time. I am a little burnt out at this point, but I know it will be us. DH has brothers, but
I know they wont help. I love them and would do what ever it takes for them.
 
Yes, I would do anything for my parents. They have given and taught me so much. Growing up I lost a lot of family members and I watched my parents take care of my grandma, great-aunt and grandpa. My great-aunt was a widow for 25+ years and had no children, my grandma was widowed for 15 years and my grandpa lost his wife almost 45 years before he passed. My parents are so selfless and have taken such good care of so many family members. They deserve the same and more.
 
I do feel it is "my" responsibility to take care of my parents. I have two brothers (1 older, 1 younger), but somehow even though my parents may have given more money/attention/effort towards them, I feel it is my responsibility because so far, I''ve turned out to be the most mature, responsible, and capable of doing so. Maybe they gave me less because they knew I would end up okay on my own, who knows!

My mother ended up an only child after losing her younger sister to a sudden disease at age 16, and her older brother to suicide after Vietnam. I watched her move my grandparents from Boston to Chicago so she could help care for my grandmother with Alzheimer''s. It was heartbreaking, and I have no idea how I will have the strength to do it if that comes upon me, but I will.

My parents'' have done everything they can for me, and I''ll do what I can to assist them, even if I cannot do so financially, I hope I can do so physically and emotionally.
 
I think you can still care for your parents in sickness or old age even if they are living in an assisted living facility. There are many reasons people live in such facilities, including that they are not be able to get the standard of care they need in a child''s home.

My grandmother grew very ill in her last few years and lived in a "self-help" home that had a hospital floor and other medical services on the premises. She required a 24-hour nurse for several months at a time, as well as services that we would not have been able to provide for her. DH and I did try to convince her to move in with us before she became as ill as I just described, but she would have none of it. She was a very proud woman, and the last thing she wanted was for any of us to be bathing her and doing other things that she believed robbed her of her dignity. Everyone is different, and while I would have happily had her live in my home and campaigned for a while to make it so, I still feel as though I cared for her when she was living in that self-help home.

There are emotional, financial, and physical aspects to caring for a sick or elderly loved one, and although I know I may not be able to provide for all three of these things for my parents, I certainly plan to do my best to care for them.
 
Date: 9/17/2009 1:13:04 AM
Author: Haven
I think you can still care for your parents in sickness or old age even if they are living in an assisted living facility. There are many reasons people live in such facilities, including that they are not be able to get the standard of care they need in a child''s home.
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ITA!

Especially for parents who are aging, but still alert, it can be ''better'' to be in a home with other alert adults than to be at home where they are getting less interaction. My grandmother is 91, and living with my parents. She is home by herself all day until someone gets home after 5pm. Our dog died 2 years ago, and she thought of him as her companion and company. My parents are not emotionally ready for another dog, but my grandma dearly misses having even a little dog around, just his presence made a world of difference to her. Now, grandma''s health is fine, but her vision is very poor. She can get around mostly by memory, but not much else. She''s been lving with my parents for maybe 5 years now, and she has ''aged'' cognitively quite a bit in this time. She was very active before she moved in with my parents, she would probably really enjoy being in a home with other older women, chatting with them everyday, enjoying meals with them, playing bingo (with some help) and other activities that are offered in assisted living homes. She would thrive in that sort of environment. She gets much less time and attention at home, though my parents do everything that they can for her. It''s a tough decision to have a family member living in a strange environment, but it is not always a bad decision to do so. My mother would be happier in a home, as she is very social and friendly, but my dad would be much happier living with family.

I''m not having kids, so whenever FI goes, I''m just going to jump in his casket.
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Absolutely yes.

I consider it every child''s responsibility to make sure their parents are looked after, though how they achieve that is up to them. Personally, I would ideally like to care for them myself (have them move in with me, attend to as many of their needs as possible myself), but I recognise that this isn''t possible for many people, due to their own circumstances or their parents'' behaviour and needs. I wouldn''t judge anyone for using the help of others or of care homes - as long as they were doing their best to make sure everything was being done in their parents'' best interests.
 
Date: 9/16/2009 8:48:47 PM
Author: Bia
Absolutely, 100%, without a doubt.

It''s not just a duty, it''s an honor. If anything happens, my brother and I (and our SOs) take care of it, end of story.

Thankfully I don''t have to think about this too much because my folks are still young.
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Ditto Bia!

I have the most wonderful parents a girl could ask for and I don''t feel it''s a duty either. Duty means nothing in my family. You do what you do for the others out of love, not duty.

I just hope my folks are healthy, happy and around for many more years to come.
 
Of course! It is the cycle of life. They have spent their entire adult lives focused on their children and when they need to be taken care of, we will return the favor!
 
When my parents got married, my mom''s mom told her that she needed to stay in Chicago to take care of her in old age. Now my grandma has *never* been nice to my mom, so my mom told her no and left. My grandma did not talk to her for 15 years.

Because of this, my mom has told me that she will happily enter a nursing home when she''s old and that I am not required to care for her. I don''t quite feel the same way and will be happy to look after her. If she wants to be in a nursing home or assisted living I will respect that and help pay for it and visit her often (I would want her near me) but it''s really up to her. I would be happy to have her in my home if she wanted that as well. I would do the same for my dad and I know FI would do the same for his mom.
 
Definitely... They have provided for me my entire life, I would do everything for them in the end.
 
I come from a culture where children take care of their parents in their old age (my parents are immigrants, so even though they are citizens, they are not that socially Americanized). They took care of their parents in their home until they died - that includes my two bed-bound grandmothers who both lived to 92. They just moved in with my parents at the point that most people would put their elderly relatives into a nursing home. My parents hired a nurse for during the day when they were at work, and took care of them at night. Neither of my grandmothers really spoke English, though, which is why they were especially resistant to put them in a nursing home where they couldn''t communicate with the staff.

I would probably take my parents into my home if they were very old and needed care. I don''t really know what DH''s feelings are on this, because his parents put all of his grandparents into nursing homes once they couldn''t live on their own anymore. So, I''m assuming that he would be fine with putting his parents into a nursing home, but I don''t think I would be as comfortable with doing that with my parents.

Some other posters mentioned that it''s a harder decision when you don''t get along with your parents - I agree. I adore my dad, but my mother was physically, verbally and emotionally abusive to us growing up - however, on the outside, she was mother of the year - 3 homecooked meals a day, SAHM, spotless house, etc. I grapple more with how I would feel about taking her in, but I still feel like even if she mistreated me at times as a child, I could still do the right thing (and be the better person) and help her if she were extremely elderly and frail. This is only if she were really needing physical help, though, and years down the line.
 
Oh Yes. I definitly see myself taking on this role as they get older. They''ve done SO much for me, and still do!
 
Nope!
 
sure! They did everthing for me...always made sure I was safe. I will make sure they are safe and protected. I can''t imagine not being there for them
 
Interesting topic. My parents both died early so I won''t have to face the issue, (I am 50), but my best friend is the youngest of FIVE children and not ONE of the older 4 helps her at all with the care of their mother. She is in a nursing home and my friend pays ALL the bills, buys ALL her clothes, visits her 4-5 times a week... the others don''t call, even for holidays or her BD. No one sends any money. No one visits. No one sends cards. They "don''t do nursing homes". Thank God for my friend. She is a Saint! I hope her son treats her as well as she treats her mother.
 
Yes.
Not least because, if my kids see me shunt my parents off, they will one day do the same to me.
I partly thi nk I should take care of my parents when they get old becasue of how I saw them care for and love grandparents until the end.
 
Yes. I do look after my Mom and My Dad. Thank god things are better, we have had a rough road...

I do it because I am the ONLY one to do it.
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I took care of my Mom''s parents, My sweet Nanny and Tom Tom. I had no help from my Mom in doing so... I did it because I adored them. Pretty much ever since I was married, they became my responsibility. They taught me a lot about what love and family really is. I treasure all the times I had with them. The times my grandfather would get on the floor and play with my kids. They adored them so much!!!!

I put my heart and soul into taking care of them. It was a lot, because my kids were little and had their own health problems but we managed...

I will say, I had to leave many family vacations because my Grandfather was ill. My Mom was perfectly healthy and at home, but she never stepped up to the plate. I always managed to get the next flight home and get him through one crisis after another....

Same thing when my grandmother was dying. Mom didn''t visit her in the nursing home. On Mother''s day Nanny was wanting my Mom her daughter to show up. Mom was a no show. Nanny looked at me, she was fading, she said you are my daughter... Always have been. I said yeah I know. She said a bunch of other stuff, that was so perfect and sweet.


My parents don''t deserve me. But will do it because it''s the right thing to do.

My brother and I suffered abuse as kids. My brother died a while ago, so it''s just me.

I have a great support system... Friends and extended family help me through a lot. I am blessed.

I just want to say, for anyone being a care giver, it''s the greatest gift you can give. You will get a lot back as well. And bless you for doing so.
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Kaleigh, your post made me tear up a little (of course it doesn''t take much these days!). You are a sweetheart for taking care of your parents after the things they have done, but you are right, it is the right thing to do and I''m sure in their own way, they appreciate it.
 
Kaleigh, you are an angel! I don''t know if I could do what you are doing! None of my brothers or sisters offered to help with my mom but after she died they
accused me of all kinds of horrible things. I am the youngest and they all have 20 years + on me.

It will be interesting to see what my kids do if the time comes. I have one daughter and four sons. One has told me he will pay for the home! He''s the really kind
and sensitive one, so I think I am in big trouble! Really, he said he draws the line at diapers! Cant say I blame him. I just hope he can afford a really nice
home......LOL
 
Date: 9/16/2009 6:51:17 PM
Author: princesss

Date: 9/16/2009 5:43:59 PM
Author: Vancity
When I entered this world, I knew that I was wanted. I''ve been blessed, in that I have never known a day without love...


When the time comes, and the day to day rigours of life become too difficult for my parents, I will make sure they feel the same...always wanted and always loved...


~Allyson
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Beautifully put.
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I agree - I hope my parents don''t need me any time soon, but when they do, I''ll be there no questions asked.
 
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