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Wedding Do I need to get over myself?? (long)

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tberube

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So my MOH is my cousin, E. At first I didn't want any bridal party, but E sorta coaxed me into having her as MOH because of long-ago promises to be in each other's weddings. E doesn't know any of my friends, she's a nurse working nights, she has a new boyfriend she spends all her free time with, she was a BM in another wedding (June 29th- two months before my wedding), and she is not exactly a go-getter when it comes to motivation. Not to mention (and this comes into play further down), she is a completely different person than me, with different styles and a different idea of what is nice, fun, classy, etc.

With that said, we've been close forever and we both don't have sisters, so it was fine. At first. We'll start with the Bridal Shower. I work for an invitation company and I have several talented friends who have offered to help plan and/or create shower invitations, to help E out while she's working late nights and doing stuff for her other friend's wedding. I wanted an invitation that was pretty enough to go into my scrapbook, and because of my job I have high standards. So rather than stress E out with my expectations, I asked my friend, K, an event planner, to help out with the planning where she is needed and pull together the invitations so that they'll look fantastic, and also so they'll be mailed out on time (summers are so busy, people need a lot more lead time).

Well, that didn't go smoothly. My cousin and her mother took K's assistance with the invites as her trying to "take over" the whole bridal shower. They were terrible at getting back to her. They allowed her to design, print, pay for and stamp all the invitations that she was making, before ever getting back to her to tell her they didn't like what she had done with them. They wrote her a nasty email and then remade the invitations with clip art and blurry text (so I hear - I didn't see them) and mailed them a week and a half late. I heard all of this from K's husband, who is a coworker (and a boy) and has no idea that he should probably have kept that stress-laden story to himself, but whatevs.

So then I call my aunt to vent about all of what happened, and she tells me that I can do whatever I want for the wedding, but the bridal shower and bachelorette party belong to E...not me.

WTF?! So it seems the whole family is on E's bandwagon, believing that the center of attention belongs to HER during those parties, and not to myself. So I have nobody to turn to in my family, and going against any of it would make me out to look like an ungrateful b*tch.

Then, there was the question of my bachelorette party. I've always wanted to go to P-town for my bachelorette, but I understand that things cost money and maybe some of my girlfriends might want to do something closer. I assumed that E would confer with my friends before making a decision on the plans, considering that my friends know me and they are all much more like me than she is. So when E called me to ask me to lay out 3 things I wanted for my bachelorette and 3 things I didn't want, I basically outlined the following:

want to go out to dinner somewhere (have 5 pregnant friends who won't go to bars)
want to go to a place for drinks after dinner, that has music and maybe dancing
maybe get a hotel room close by so nobody has to drive home if they get drunk
Love P-town, love beaches
would love to go into NYC
absolutely NO male strippers
do NOT want a limo, tiaras, penis paraphernalia, sashes, candy necklaces, lists, games, or anything that points us out as a bachelorette party.

The next day I'm out with K and she tells me frantically, worriedly, that she doesn't think that I'll like what E has planned for my bachelorette and wants to know if she should nudge E in a different direction. She blurts out that E has mentioned renting a party bus and bar-hopping around Boston.

How in God's name did she read my list of desires and decide that a party bus would fit into it?!

I was pretty upset about it. My pregnant friends would not go on a party bus. And everyone else would be broke at the end of the night because bar hopping in Boston is extremely expensive and time consuming (finding parking, waiting in lines at bars, paying cover charges, then leaving a half hour later and doing it all over again). Absolutely NOT what I was hoping for. She told K that we would absolutely NOT be going "out of town" which means no P-town and no Manhattan. I was crushed.

So now I'm in a position where I can't say anything to E because I'm not supposed to know about the bachelorette disaster. All I can hope is that when K talked to her next, she sufficiently put the bug in E's ear that a party bus would not be my cup of tea. But who knows? She never asked any of my friends what they would want, and if we do end up on a party bus, then she totally disregarded what I wanted.

A couple days after this revelation, E was at my house and she was talking about her other friend's bachelorette party that was the weekend before. I asked her what they did.

"We all went in to P-town."

Ugh.

So now here I am, feeling all but bullied to pick E as my MOH against my wishes (to which I later found out she doesn't even intend to make me her MOH at her future wedding, after all), ended up with a non scrapbook-worthy bridal shower invitation that shipped late despite all my best efforts, will probably end up having a bachelorette party that contains exactly none of my stated wishes (and those invites will most likely go out super late), and all this because I'm so damn worried about being labeled a "bridezilla" that I cannot say anything.

So am I an ungrateful horrible person? Somebody set me straight, one way or another.
 
hmmmm. . .well. . .about the invitation. This is her thing. The invitation will be scrapbook worthy if it was from the heart and represented a good time in your life. Not everything has to be Martha Stewart-esque. I make hand made cards for every occasion and even made my invitations by hand, but I didn''t expect my MOH to be on my level for the invites to my bridal shower because, she''s not me in the crafty department. She did a good job regardless. So the real question is, did you have a good time at the shower? If you did, then let it go. It''s a piece of paper.

For the bachelorette. . . well you stated your intentions and you have other friends, so make sure that your other friends stick up for your wishes. But, and here''s the key, tell them to put a freaking hatch on it. Tell them that you really hope that they can stand up for you but all the stories are stressing you out. As for your friends who are preggers, just let them know that you made it clear that you wanted something lowkey so that they can come, but ultimately it''s not up to you so if there is a night planned with bourbon and phallic straws you can''t really do anything about it. Don''t worry about them so much. Just go with the flow and try to have fun.

The wedding is a great time to learn how to let go of things. I am a type A, gotta do everything my damn self type. But, with the wedding, I had to let MOH have her time. Was I disappointed in my shower? Yup. Completely. I didn''t have any expectations on the venue or what we did, but I wanted it to be thoughtful and I don''t feel that it was. And I let them know. But, it was what it was. It wouldn''t have been special anyhow had I stuck my nose in it. How special can it be if you''re the one planning it? You don''t need to get over yourself, but you do need to let it go a little. Yes, I know there is only one shower, only one bachelorette party, only one wedding. But, things happen and sometimes they aren''t as fantastic as we wanted them to be. Wedding planning is filled with life lessons. Learning that some of your friends, well, kinda stink is one of them.

Make sure your other friends make suggestions whether she asks or not. And if you have one strong friend who''ll put her foot down, recruit her to help. And if the night is stressing you out that much, just tell them to cancel it.

Cheers!
 
Your not a horrible person. If anything, i''d sit E down and have a nice, but firm discussion with her. You need to outline what YOU expect of you MOH. They are there to make your wedding go smoothly, not to stree you out. Tell her your sorry and your not trying to harp on her, but just explain your feelings about it. If she takes it as your being a b***, I''m sorry, but, I''d be having another BM "help out". I know you feel bullied into having her...but may I ask why you didn''t ask K? It seems like she knows what you like best and is doing everything E should be doing anyways....sorry if I sound harsh.

You are NOT bridezilla. Not anywhere near!
 
I agree that you should let the invite go, but I definitely think that your wishes should be respected about what type of a party it is. I don't think you're being a bridezilla. It's not like you're making crazy demands. I'd sit down with your MOH and say you just want to review what type of a party you'd like to have.

ETA: I don't think you get a say in whether or not they embarrass you by decorating you though. I think it's kind of a right of passage to have to wear sill bachelorette party stuff.
 
Gosh.

Ok, well I do think that you have a say in the bachelorette party.

The shower, however, should be out of your hands. Even if it''s not what you ultimately envisioned, would like to have for your scrapbook - even if you think you''re supposed to be the center of attention on that day - it''s out of your hands. She is throwing this for you, and it''s her show to run.

I have had 2 showers thus far, and believe me, there were aspects of each that I really didn''t like. With the first, the 2 bridesmaids fought over budget (one wanted to spend more than the other, both were stubborn and it ended up being one refusing to pay anything). I really wanted a brunch at a central location; it ended up being a small homemade lunch in a party room that was not at all Metro accessible outside of the city (meaning people had to drive or use cabs). The invitations went out only 3 weeks before the shower, which meant a lot of people had already made plans. That''s absolutely not what I would have done were I in charge of a shower (and I was upset my name was attached to something that I viewed as being inconvenient to my other friends in terms of location and in terms of notice), but my two BMs were the hostesses and I was grateful they even took the effort to plan something.

The second shower was hosted by my parents'' friends and it was a truly over-the-top spectacular affair which, truth told, made me uncomfortable (we are talking china, crystal, huge outdoor tent, florist, catering, the whole nine yards). They wanted a theme, I did not. They wanted Fi and I to sit at separate tables at dinner, and I thought that was stupid. But I couldn''t say anything, because it was their party. I just gratefully accepted all of the effort that went into making the shower what they thought would be the best and most memorable evening. It was definitely a fun time with delicious food, but not what I would have planned.

I did whinge a bit to my mom about both, and she very quickly reminded me that even though the shower is technically to "shower" me with gifts, I am not in control of the day and it''s up to the generous hostesses to design the events.

Anyway, hth.
 
Date: 7/10/2008 11:40:51 AM
Author: cellososweet
hmmmm. . .well. . .about the invitation. This is her thing. The invitation will be scrapbook worthy if it was from the heart and represented a good time in your life. Not everything has to be Martha Stewart-esque. I make hand made cards for every occasion and even made my invitations by hand, but I didn''t expect my MOH to be on my level for the invites to my bridal shower because, she''s not me in the crafty department. She did a good job regardless. So the real question is, did you have a good time at the shower? If you did, then let it go. It''s a piece of paper.


For the bachelorette. . . well you stated your intentions and you have other friends, so make sure that your other friends stick up for your wishes. But, and here''s the key, tell them to put a freaking hatch on it. Tell them that you really hope that they can stand up for you but all the stories are stressing you out. As for your friends who are preggers, just let them know that you made it clear that you wanted something lowkey so that they can come, but ultimately it''s not up to you so if there is a night planned with bourbon and phallic straws you can''t really do anything about it. Don''t worry about them so much. Just go with the flow and try to have fun.


The wedding is a great time to learn how to let go of things. I am a type A, gotta do everything my damn self type. But, with the wedding, I had to let MOH have her time. Was I disappointed in my shower? Yup. Completely. I didn''t have any expectations on the venue or what we did, but I wanted it to be thoughtful and I don''t feel that it was. And I let them know. But, it was what it was. It wouldn''t have been special anyhow had I stuck my nose in it. How special can it be if you''re the one planning it? You don''t need to get over yourself, but you do need to let it go a little. Yes, I know there is only one shower, only one bachelorette party, only one wedding. But, things happen and sometimes they aren''t as fantastic as we wanted them to be. Wedding planning is filled with life lessons. Learning that some of your friends, well, kinda stink is one of them.


Make sure your other friends make suggestions whether she asks or not. And if you have one strong friend who''ll put her foot down, recruit her to help. And if the night is stressing you out that much, just tell them to cancel it.


Cheers!

Thanks for the suggestions, cello. And unfortunately I did try to recruit a friend to put her foot down and it did no good. Oh well.
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I think you can let go a little without "going all the way". It is difficult when your standards are high and you need to let go and be happy with what people do. My DH and I are kind of like into really nice things and are detail and control freaks but for example, when our family took us on a 1-day cruise to the Bahamas (ETA: as a gift to us like a bachelorette/bachelor party, since I didn't have any bridesmaids) we enjoyed it even though it is so NOT what we're into (the boat was definitely not anything we would pick, and the cabin...
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). They did ask us before we did it if were OK with that or if we wanted something else (they know we're PITAs), but we just made a decision to be OK and happy with that they wanted to. We know they put a lot of love into it.

HOWEVER and you're going to think this is funny, we controlled everything else. So that was our big "let everyone do what they want to do for us" moment haha So take what I am about to say with the understanding of how I am. Plus, my sister was the MOH but I didn't have her help me with anything really - my DH and I created and made the STDs and the invites and spent all kinds of crazy time on them to have them perfect - we know how we are and we know most people just don't have the patience for that.
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So as far as the invitation...I so totally get what you're feeling, that you want it to look a certain way. I think the fact that you're not too thrilled with your MOH makes it harder for you to appreciate whatever she does put together. I think if you were feeling warmly towards her, you might still hate that the invite looks like crap, but you'd be able to look beyond it. That said, maybe that could the the one thing you can let go of and just accept. On everything else, though, I think it is perfectly OK to expect that the bachelorette party revolve around what YOU, the bride wants. I don't at all think this is the MOH's time to shine. Let her shine around the things that you want to do. I would hate the idea of a party bus going bar to bar. ETA: and I would hate penis-related stuff - I would totally say I did not want it...it's your night - they should take into account what you like and don't like.

I do agree with cello that is so important for you not to stress yourself out with these things. Talk to K, or whoever you can trust, and have them do some of this dirty work for you. I don't think you have to give up 100% of the control, but it would be good for you to let go a little.
 
as i said, you find out which friends stink :-/ sorry you''re not having any luck. Maybe you should just cancel it if it''s really stressing you out that much. or you can go ahead and talk to MOH and tell her that, while you appreciate all of her efforts, you''d really like something a little more low-key because you don''t want to be the center of attention and you want to make sure that everyone has a good time. yeah?
 
Date: 7/10/2008 11:46:57 AM
Author: redrose229
Your not a horrible person. If anything, i''d sit E down and have a nice, but firm discussion with her. You need to outline what YOU expect of you MOH. They are there to make your wedding go smoothly, not to stree you out. Tell her your sorry and your not trying to harp on her, but just explain your feelings about it. If she takes it as your being a b***, I''m sorry, but, I''d be having another BM ''help out''. I know you feel bullied into having her...but may I ask why you didn''t ask K? It seems like she knows what you like best and is doing everything E should be doing anyways....sorry if I sound harsh.


You are NOT bridezilla. Not anywhere near!

You''re right, Redrose, I probably should have asked K to be my MOH. But I don''t have any other bridesmaids, and I didn''t want any at ALL to begin with. E was the only one who really really wanted to be in the wedding. But now it seems she only wanted to be in the wedding so she can be in the limelight.

Or maybe that''s just what I''m getting out of it, who knows.
 
Date: 7/10/2008 12:05:57 PM
Author: cellososweet
as i said, you find out which friends stink :-/ sorry you're not having any luck. Maybe you should just cancel it if it's really stressing you out that much. or you can go ahead and talk to MOH and tell her that, while you appreciate all of her efforts, you'd really like something a little more low-key because you don't want to be the center of attention and you want to make sure that everyone has a good time. yeah?

No, cello...it's not my FRIENDS that stink...it's my FAMILY!!! My friends have all offered to be there for me, but my family refuses to accept their gracious help.

I'm starting to wonder if it was a mistake only having E as a MOH and no bridesmaids....because if I'd made those helpful friends of mine bridesmaids, then my family might have seen them as "having rights" to help out. Yeesh.
 
oh i completely misunderstood! I thought they were your bridesmaids. Ohhh. . thats a tricky one then. How close are you to the wedding?? If you are more than 6 months out, maybe you can ask them to be a part of your wedding? darn that makes things really sticky! Sorry I misunderstood.
 
Wedding is September 6th, cello. Less than 2 months away.

I just feel bad because not only would I not enjoy a party bus, but my friends would be put off by a party bus and bar hopping (they're not that type), not to mention I couldn't have half my friends there because they're prego and wouldn't exactly want to be bar hopping on a party bus.

If E had just thought to ask some of my friends what would be a good idea, then everyone would be better off. But it seems to me like E just wants to do what SHE wants for a bachelorette party and doesn't even care about what I want or what my friends would want to contribute to. And it also seems that she turned down the idea for P-town simply because she'd already gone to a P-town bachelorette and didn't want to do the same thing twice.

I just don't get why she even asked me what I wanted, if she was going to disregard it totally. Hmph. I'm totally obsessing...argh.
 
well, what do you think of what some of the others have said? Like having a talk with your MOH, etc.?
 
Date: 7/10/2008 12:23:20 PM
Author: claudinam
well, what do you think of what some of the others have said? Like having a talk with your MOH, etc.?

Okay, fair question. I have talked to MOH. When we chatted about the K thing, she brushed off the drama and told me I shouldn''t worry about it, or know about it. Which I guess is fair.

When I talked with her about the bachelorette party, she was very mum. She only offered that the party was NOT going to be in P-town. And when I brought up the "I don''t want obnoxious stuff" angle, she told me I was no fun. Other than that she hasn''t been very conducive to talking to me about anything.
 
tberube - what has your relationship like with her before? Is there any possibility she''s trying to surprise you with exactly what you want and wants to throw you off track?
 
I have to Word! cellosweet, she's always so good with advice...

But honestly, aside from letting go of the invite sitch - and I DO understand that totally because I have a very high aesthetic criteria myself and while everyone comes to me for artistic advice, they cant exactly come to you as the bride and ask how things look, right? That would be like saying to someone whom you're getting a gift for, is it wrapped okay? Would you like to wrap it yourself because you do such a perfect job? No. Just let that go. Or put K's invite in your scrap book along with the one E sent out. Also, honestly, how many times are you going to look at that scrapbook over your lifetime? Not much, I'd wager. Let it go Rube!

As for the Bach party...First of all, if your 5 preggo friends aren't going to want to be in a party bus going round Boston, why do you think they'd want to go all the way to Ptown? It doesn't sound like they'd be up for that either, unless I'm missing something here. So you have a few options from where I sit:

1. Sit E down and tell her that you want K and whomever else involved in planning the bach party. It's important to you that your friends are involved in planning and I would even say that since E got to do the invites, it's important to you that K be allowed to plan the bach party because she's a close friend. Period. If need be, say that K would have been a BM if you'd had a bigger bridal party. Then bring them together to talk or let K handle it from this point on. No rule that E has to have supreme rule over the bach party.

2. Let E do what she wants, grin and bear it.

3. Do #2, and let K plan another "friends only" bach party...Or, let K plan a Ptown weekend for those who can afford it and want to go.

All in all, it's not worth stressing out over Rube. You cant control it all honey...
 
Yeah, I know. I can''t control it all. I guess I''m just sad because I''ve let SOOOOOO MUCH go as far as my wedding and as far as things my family wants, my MOH wants. I''ve been so easygoing that it''s almost made me ill.

I''ve already chosen to let it go. I have found so much that''s just wrong and unfair about it all, and I guess I''m just sad about it. But I really can''t do much more, except vent on here to my buds at PS. Heh.

Thanks for your thoughts and advice! I do feel a little better, having dumped it all out, at least.
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You know...I do have E's e-mail address now....

I'd be happy to put my foot down through the center of the earth to make her reconsider her plans for your night. The only reason why I have every intention of keeping mum is out of respect for you.

Maybe all of us who know what's going on need to have an intervention after your shower since that is the only time we will be together
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I would just cancel it and go out to dinner with a few friends and NOT call it a bachlorette party. If you and all your friends will hate it but be expected to help pay for it, its a bad idea. If E is willing to pay for the whole thing go ahead, but I think it is not fair to ask your friends to contribute to something you and they don''t want to please the ego of a cousin.

While I agree about the invites being a little much, I don''t think it is snobish or unreasonable to be unwilling to wear light up genitalia, and I wouldn''t let her bully you.

Who knows, maybe putting your foot down on this might make the family back off on other things as well.
 
Date: 7/10/2008 1:11:43 PM
Author: surfgirl
I have to Word! cellosweet, she''s always so good with advice...

But honestly, aside from letting go of the invite sitch - and I DO understand that totally because I have a very high aesthetic criteria myself and while everyone comes to me for artistic advice, they cant exactly come to you as the bride and ask how things look, right? That would be like saying to someone whom you''re getting a gift for, is it wrapped okay? Would you like to wrap it yourself because you do such a perfect job? No. Just let that go. Or put K''s invite in your scrap book along with the one E sent out. Also, honestly, how many times are you going to look at that scrapbook over your lifetime? Not much, I''d wager. Let it go Rube!

As for the Bach party...First of all, if your 5 preggo friends aren''t going to want to be in a party bus going round Boston, why do you think they''d want to go all the way to Ptown? It doesn''t sound like they''d be up for that either, unless I''m missing something here. So you have a few options from where I sit:

1. Sit E down and tell her that you want K and whomever else involved in planning the bach party. It''s important to you that your friends are involved in planning and I would even say that since E got to do the invites, it''s important to you that K be allowed to plan the bach party because she''s a close friend. Period. If need be, say that K would have been a BM if you''d had a bigger bridal party. Then bring them together to talk or let K handle it from this point on. No rule that E has to have supreme rule over the bach party.

2. Let E do what she wants, grin and bear it.

3. Do #2, and let K plan another ''friends only'' bach party...Or, let K plan a Ptown weekend for those who can afford it and want to go.

All in all, it''s not worth stressing out over Rube. You cant control it all honey...
Ah, but you can... I appointed a 12 year old who lives in another country as my MOH
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I really feel for you - I''m a complete control freak and it would stress me out far more to let someone else do things than it would to do it myself.

I think you have got lots of good advice, and I can''t really add much, except to say that I can understand exactly how you are feeling!
 
Ah, but you can... I appointed a 12 year old who lives in another country as my MOH
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I really feel for you - I''m a complete control freak and it would stress me out far more to let someone else do things than it would to do it myself.

I think you have got lots of good advice, and I can''t really add much, except to say that I can understand exactly how you are feeling!
Pandora, you crack me up!
 
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