dmbfan

[KimberlyH]

I see there''s a GF in the picture now. What''s the deal? Is it the ex? The girl that was moving too quickly? A new and totally different woman?

 

[dmbfan]

Kim,
I was just reading your point of view on the other post and I was thinking of you. You are always so insightful and love your thoughts. I wish I could sit and have a cup of coffee with you and get your perspective on my situation.

I have thought about sharing where I am and what has been going on and have just been quiet as I/we are figuring things out. Yes my ex GF has been in the picture again since about New Years. The girl I though about talking to was not what I thought she was, we have actually just become friends and now she confides in me about her situation.

Back in Dec I decided to talk to a counselor, I figure why not its covered by my insurance. I went in and explained my situation, I told her that I was trying to see what I could do to move on. I mentioned our relationship and how much we had and how I felt about my exgf. She asked me how she felt about me and she thought that we were not approaching our situation the right way(there was no need to break up). The counselor asked if I thought if my ex would be willing to come in and talked and I said probably. I called my ex and she was willing to come in and talk. She met with the counselor a few times by her self and the counselor brought up some good tools for her to think about. She went back into her "family of origin" and tapped into some things that she had not thought about. She felt really good about talking to her. Over the last month and a half we have gone back to how we used to be before we broke up, we do this very easy because of how we get along. She feels really good about where we are at and does not want to sit stagnet (does want to move on). The one thing that we have discussed which she didn''t do was to go on some dates. She told me yesterday that she would like to do that. She just wants to go and have dinner with few people. Noone knows that we got back together. So people have been trying to set her up. The counselor also thought that she should do that and there was no reason for us to break up during the process. So now I sit and wonder how to feel about this. I thought about the fact that her dating other people may be beneficial, but I also wonder how ok I might be with it. I wish she would have done that before we started talking. I would also go out and date and see where we are at in a few weeks.

Let me know what you think and give me some of your perspectives.

thanks for listening

 

[sk8rjen]

I was up-to-date on your situation and didn''t post much, but now I feel inclined to...sounds like you two are taking a healthy approach to this! I''m so glad you went to a counselor -- I''ve wished I had the guts to do the same on many occasions just to get thoughts straight. I hope for you that it works out with your ex -- it''s a positive sign that she agreed to go to the counselor. As hard as it is, though, I hope you can be patient and let the process work. Either way, you seem like the kind of guy that''s going to come out ahead in the long run, so good luck!
jen

 

[KimberlyH]

dmb,

First, thanks for the compliments, I so appreciate it. If you lived in SD I''d be happy to have a cup of coffee with you!

As for my thoughts re: what you posted, hmmm...

I think it''s great that you are easing back into your relationship, if your comfortable with where things stand. And I don''t see any harm in testing that by dating other people, as long as there is no double standard (you can''t date others, she can or vice versa). Sometimes we (the collective we) try to force situations that, if we just let progress naturally, would probably occur anyways and be much more enjoyable if they hadn''t been pushed (think of all of the tortured LIWs waiting for a proposal even knowing that it''s coming, that a ring has been purchased and he''s just waiting for the perfect moment, the sigh of relief that comes when he FINALLY asks and the feelings that come afterwards, "why did I spend so much time fretting over this and making us both crazy??"). Perhaps your ex was just feeling too pressured to move forward when she was just getting comfortable with things as they were. Throw two children into the mix and you''re for sure going to panic a bit, I know I would!

I guess my only bit of advice would be that when you are no longer content/comfortable with things as they stand you need to know that you are a good man and there is nothing wrong with wanting and asking for more. It could be more of a commitment, it could be more space, only time will tell. Just don''t stuff your feelings, wants and needs for the sake of a relationship, because you will be foresaking yourself and that never winds up being a good thing.

Please keep us posted.

~K

 

[dmbfan]

Thanks Kim, I so value your thoughts from everything you have told me. I''ll offer the same if you guys are ever in CO

Its a tough situation. I''m I confortable? getting there. It is very tough to freely allow the person you love so deeply go and sit with another guy and have dinner with the possibility that more can become of it. I am working on not overthinking things. I realize that this same possibility is more likely to happen on a day to day basis then when she is straight out telling me that she is just going out to have dinner with someone. She knows that I will do the same if I choose to. Do I want to not really and I want to make sure I dont just do it because she is doing it. I know in the long run it may be better if we sort this out now, no matter how its done. Can a be something that makes our relationship stronger, possibly? I know there are people that would never touch these waters. Peoples first thought so far is why does she want to see whats out there? is she just going to settle with you if she cant find anything? or can this be seen from a different perspective. Its a tough situation and not one that I have ever encountered and I am trying to be mature and patient with it. She thinks that if we sit in the same place that we are at now that we may end up breaking up again. She wants to move forward with me and make plans. which is weird considering what we will be doing....

help me keep me sain...

 

[KimberlyH]

Wow, it seems like this is really difficult for you dmb. If I were in your shoes I would have to draw a line in the sand, somewhere. I wouldn''t be able to make future plans with someone who wants to test the waters w/ other potential mates. This isn''t to say I couldn''t date them, just that I couldn''t treat them the way I would a serious SO.

My DH and I broke up a few months after we started dating because things got intense really quickly (there was another factor, but it became irrelevant quickly). He had been alone for a long time and the intensity of emotion and the progression of things was just a bit much for him. We remained friends, stayed in contact, but I went on with my life as though I was single. I moved to a new apartment during this time apart and made some new friends, male and female. We went to lunch, hung out at each others homes, etc. One morning, after a GNO, he called me bright and early to chat. I knew he wanted to know what we did, where we went, etc. but I refused to feed into his curiousity because he made the choice that we couldn''t be together and that meant I owed him no explanations. That was, I believe, a huge turning point for him. It wasn''t long after that he made plans to visit me (we were about 500 miles apart at the time) and then took me on a trip for my birthday and we got back together. I never was one to play games, I told him up front, if you want to be my boyfriend that''s great and I''ll treat you accordingly, but if you want to be my friend and only play boyfriend when you feel like it that just doesn''t jive with me, and if you just want to date me, we can do that too, but that means what I do when you aren''t around is NOYB.

I guess my point is that you shouldn''t sacrifice yourself for her. And you shouldn''t acquiesce to suit her, if you are harming yourself by doing so. This relationship needs to suit you as well. Keep working with your counselor, but understand she is human and fallible and you need to do what feels right and is right, logically, for you. And only you can truly define that.

 

[dmbfan]

Alrighty then, not really how I wanted our valentines to go.

We got together after work, cut some fruit made some fondue and were drinking some wine all as planned. We talked about the day and how things were going. After a while I ended up bringing this point up and really thought if I should have waited till today. Unfortunately it was bothering me and I didn''t want to have to go through an amazing night with her knowing that we would discuss this today. The main question I had was; What was she hoping to get out of going out with other people? She told me that she wanted to make sure she shouldn''t be dating guys without kids. Then I asked her if she sees herself spending the rest of her life with me and she said yes. I asked her if she she sees herself marrying me and she told me she didn''t know. I told her that I can handle being with her as she is dating other people. I ended up calling it off an leaving. She was crying so much when I left. She wants to give me more and she told me I deserve is. She doesn''t know what to do.

I''ve had a very long night thinking about her and about our whole situation. I don''t know what to do. It would be so hard for me to know she is out on a date when I feel the way I do about her. I don''t want to loose her but I know I want more from her. I am willing to do anything for her, but this is not something I can handle. I am so confused, I know in my heart she is the person that I want to spend teh rest of my life with. She is my soulmate.

 

[KimberlyH]

dmb,

I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time. Only you can decide what is best and right for you, and that includes being able to deal with her dating other men. It sounds like she is sending you very mixed messages (I can see being with you forever, I don't know if we'll get married, I need to see if I should be dating men who don't have children). I hope you'll find an answer that brings you some peace as it's not right for you and your daughters to live in a state of uncertainty. It just seems like for all of the work you've been doing the relationship hasn't made much progress from the point at which you started posting about your troubles.

ETA: I missed the sentence in your post that states you called it off. What I said above still stands. I think you owe it to yourself and your daughters to create some sort of stability and her going back and forth about the relationship, you and what she wants is certainly not stable. I'm so very sorry and again, I hope you can come to a conclusion and find some peace.

And if your counselor continues to encourage you to be with her and allow her to date other people after hearing you say that it is too painful for you then I suggest you find a new counselor as she is there to help you heal, not prolong you problems.

 

[dmbfan]

Kim thank you so much, you are awsome and appreciate your time.

My girls are nowhere involved here, they have no clue on what is going on and I wouldn''t change that for the world. They are very happy and these are 2 seperate worlds.

I am trying to find my sanity on what I want to do. I have thought about this before and I know deep inside of me that her going out with other guys might be the only thing that may trigger her decision. I just can''t do it while we are together. I am a very patient man, to a fault. I am not scared of going out there and seeing myself if there is someone else for me, so thats not it. Six months into our relationship I knew I wanted to be with her, so I have been very patient. We have not seen the counselor in a month as we wanted to see how things were progressing, the counselor was actually pushing us faster then what we wanted, that is why we have held off. I am ok with my decision, I know I will miss her deeply. I need her to go out there and see what she can find. If she does find someone, then great. I would have an answer and so would she. She know she will always have a place in my heart.

 

[KimberlyH]

I admire you for keeping your daughters out of this. I dated a man who had a 9 year old daughter right before I met my husband and the thing I respected most about him was his love for her and that he kept her sheltered from his dating life.

I hope things turn out as you want them to. And if they don''t, the new path you head down will be an exciting adventure, I am sure!

 

[gail013]

DMB-

I have followed your thread from time to time, but not replied too often. I just wanted to say that it is evident you are very patient and really deserve for this to work out the way YOU want it to. It just does not seem fair that this woman can want to be with you, but because you have kids, she feels the need to date other men. Is there something the counselor can reccomend for her to become more comfortable with the fact that you have kids, or to help her overcome that fear? I may be missing something here. My husband and I do not have kids, so I get that she is unsure about all of that. But does she want them eventually, or is that the issue-she doesn''t know?

 

[dmbfan]

Well, just a quick update

Yesterday was tough day, I did call her a lunch and wanted her to make sure why I couldn''t do this. we were still very sad and in shock about what had happend after we were doing so well. After work I joined some friends for HH and trying to keep busy. She ended up calling me around 8 and ask me if we could talk. I went to see her and she let me know how much she loves me and how much she cares about me, she told me that she did not want to hurt me and wanted us to start moving forward. She can''t see spending her life with out me. It was a good talk and one that I have been wanting to hear from her. It was honest and we discussed a lot. I still want us to be ok and we will take one day at a time to be careful. If we are going to move forward, I dont want us to look backwards. I will keep you guys updated and let you know how we are progressing. I am and will be carefull, I promise.

 

[anchor31]

She sounds very confused... Can''t imagine not spending the rest of her life with you but isn''t sure she wants to marry you... Or maybe she''s afraid of the institution of marriage, not of being with you?

 

[Independent Gal]

Hi DMB,

Thanks so much for the update. I read through this with concern. It makes me so sad that you're having such a difficult time! I know it's really hard to break off with someone when you both love each other so much. But I'm still concerned about your gorgeous little girls and how your g/f's ambivalence will affect them if you get married and make a home together. (I'm really impressed that you've been shielding them from all this, by the way! You sound like SUCH a great dad.)

Once you get married and she moves in, then will she be able to keep her ambivalence from affecting your kids? Even if she's really nice to them, it will come through in little ways, they'll be able to sense that she wishes they weren't there, and it will be really hard on them. EVEN if she's perfectly nice to them.

I just worry because it's obvious this woman loves you to PIECES, but even that kind of love doesn't make her want to embrace your girls, and see them as an extension of you, so then she must be REALLY ambivalent about them. And that doesn't bode well for a happy home.

Another thing, does she want her OWN kids with you? If so, would she be willing to commit to treating everyone equally? I know so many people whose childhoods were made awful by step-moms who showed favourtism. Not all step-parents do this of course! But she doesn't sound like a prime candidate to be a super-step-mom, even if she might be a perfect wife for you in other ways.

The sensible thing would probably be to try try try to cut all ties. But I understand that love does have a way of making that really hard or impossible. So that said, lots of people who said they never wanted kids and end up as step-parents fall in love with their spouses kids after a while! Maybe you'll find a way?

We are here to support you as you try to work this out!

 

[janinegirly]

honestly dmbfan, this is the strangest thing I''ve ever heard. Have her go on dates while you are back together, just to see if she is comfortable with moving forward?
I think the fact that she''s considering this is your answer. And I don''t understand the counselor''s support of this concept either.
A date is a romantic courtship, would you be okay with that? What if she dates someone and there''s a spark? How about taking it a step further and she does more than date? I know this isn''t what is happening, but it''s the same train of thought.
I just see you wasting time on this relationship that again is further preventing you from meeting someone appropriate and positive. I still see her having doubts and you just clinging on for any hope. One night she may have a bad "date" and say she can''t imagine life without you and on yet another night, she may feel the opposite after a good date. It''s a cruel process to put you through and seems she is selecting you out of a process of elimination rather than pure desire!! It''s probably none of my business but I do hope it works out in the end for YOU. So far it seems to be alot of painful ups and downs though.