Divorce - when did you know?

[trillionaire]

This may seem like a strange Q, but for those PSer''s that have gotten divorced, when did you know that the writing was on the wall?

Jon and Kate got me thinking about this, as well as some other couples that I know in real life...

any takers?

 

[Samantha Red]

Call it female intuition, but when I found out he had been sleeping with his secretary for four months, and they wanted to get married (even though he was still married to and living with me).

 

[justginger]

I guess I suspected when he said, "I just don''t feel like being married anymore - can you go stay with your parents?" (which, mind you, was on the other side of the world!) But I really KNEW when I found out that he''d had a couple of 18 year old girls spend the night in my house while I was gone.

 

[InLuv101]

Ha! I just posted my own thread about my impending divorce...same as Justginge, he just said that he doesn''t think marriage is for him.

 

[lulu]

Date: 6/25/2009 3:17:42 AM
Author: Samantha Red
Call it female intuition, but when I found out he had been sleeping with his secretary for four months, and they wanted to get married (even though he was still married to and living with me).

LOL

 

[monarch64]

I finally admitted to myself that things weren''t working out probably the last year we were married. (Married and living together...technically now we''re still married but have been living separately for a year as of last week.) Things weren''t going well from ohhhhh, two weeks after I met him, but you know, I just had to learn the hard way.

 

[nytemist]

The proverbial writing has been showing up in our marriage, it''s very possible that in a 6 month-year''s time we could be going down that road. My husband''s level of disinterest towards everything else but his cats is insane and this is after a year of counseling. We''ve separated once already unofficially (I stayed at my parents house from December to early April) things seemed to improve (he wanted to finally start talking about some plans for our future, wanted to actually go out on a Saturday night instead of fall asleep in front of the tv at 8:00). A couple of weeks later, things went right back to the way they were. Now that both cats need meds, it was just one of them) us traveling anywhere is out of the question since he refuses to look into pet sitting again. His cats are too unique for that, he thinks. I''ve said don''t you think they know how to handle giving cats meds? That what they are trained for. He would wory about them too much if he were away; he wants to be home to monitor them, meanwhile the boredom of always being in the condo is killing me, as we live in a suburb with no T access and I have no car right now. Again his marriage is put on the back burner and I''ve reached the level that I don''t feel anything. Once I''m on better financially footing, divorce may be the next step.

As my best friend put it as a crude joke, ''dh is fixated on the wrong p*ssy''. It actually made me laugh.

 

[mausketeer]

Well in my first marriage a lot of it had to do with his views of children. Before we got married we agreed we were going to have ONE child, but afterwards, if I ever brought it up he would say "Oh, but not NOW, um, in a few years". He argued pretty much EVERY child care "philosophy" that I had about raising children with me, to the point that I realized that it was NEVER going to happen. Then...... after the first year of marriage, he announced he was getting a VASECTOMY. Just came home and ANNOUNCED it to me one day. "I made an appointment for a vasectomy". No discussion. Yeah, that pretty much did it! LOL. By then I knew I didn''t WANT to have a kid with this man but still, that''s not something you want your husband to decide on his own without consulting you...... He had some odd behaviour as well that I just could NOT deal with anymore. Like, on the weekends - he REFUSED to do more than one "chore" per day. Laundry. "Well, that''s it. We did laundry, now I''m done for the day". Okay, we''re out of FOOD so we have to go shopping, "nope, sorry - it''s the weekend, I''m not doing ANYTHING else today". He was addicted to caffeine, cigarettes, pot and reading and he indulged ALL of them with no regard for ME. Pretty much ALL of our money went towards his 4 vices to the point where I actually had to cut corners on FOOD to make ends meet. He even refused to give up his FOUR STARBUCKS coffee habit a day! I finally went and bought a coffee maker and said if he didn''t use that instead I was leaving (he decided he "liked" home made coffee better after that - ha!) I used to bake BREAD from scratch because we were so poor we couldn''t afford to BUY bread and here he was spending $20 a day at Starbucks..... jeez...... You know what was AMAZING though? After we split up, we were friends (believe it or not) and one night, he actually TOLD me "you know what, EVERYTHING that went wrong in the marriage, it was MY fault - I don''t blame you for anything - it was all ME". I couldn''t believe it. Wow...... that was a miracle....... poor guy...... last time I talked to him he lived in the same 400 square foot studio apartment he moved into when we split up 15 years ago! So sad......

 

[monarch64]

Date: 6/25/2009 1:34:41 PM
Author: mausketeer
Well in my first marriage a lot of it had to do with his views of children. Before we got married we agreed we were going to have ONE child, but afterwards, if I ever brought it up he would say ''Oh, but not NOW, um, in a few years''. He argued pretty much EVERY child care ''philosophy'' that I had about raising children with me, to the point that I realized that it was NEVER going to happen. Then...... after the first year of marriage, he announced he was getting a VASECTOMY. Just came home and ANNOUNCED it to me one day. ''I made an appointment for a vasectomy''. No discussion. Yeah, that pretty much did it! LOL. By then I knew I didn''t WANT to have a kid with this man but still, that''s not something you want your husband to decide on his own without consulting you...... He had some odd behaviour as well that I just could NOT deal with anymore. Like, on the weekends - he REFUSED to do more than one ''chore'' per day. Laundry. ''Well, that''s it. We did laundry, now I''m done for the day''. Okay, we''re out of FOOD so we have to go shopping, ''nope, sorry - it''s the weekend, I''m not doing ANYTHING else today''. He was addicted to caffeine, cigarettes, pot and reading and he indulged ALL of them with no regard for ME. Pretty much ALL of our money went towards his 4 vices to the point where I actually had to cut corners on FOOD to make ends meet. He even refused to give up his FOUR STARBUCKS coffee habit a day! I finally went and bought a coffee maker and said if he didn''t use that instead I was leaving (he decided he ''liked'' home made coffee better after that - ha!) I used to bake BREAD from scratch because we were so poor we couldn''t afford to BUY bread and here he was spending $20 a day at Starbucks..... jeez...... You know what was AMAZING though? After we split up, we were friends (believe it or not) and one night, he actually TOLD me ''you know what, EVERYTHING that went wrong in the marriage, it was MY fault - I don''t blame you for anything - it was all ME''. I couldn''t believe it. Wow...... that was a miracle....... poor guy...... last time I talked to him he lived in the same 400 square foot studio apartment he moved into when we split up 15 years ago! So sad......

Um...we maybe were married to the same person. LOL. Never again will I put a man before my own needs, I''ll tell you that. I''d rather spend the rest of my life alone than deal with some of the crap I put up with in my marriage!

 

[Irishgrrrl]

When did I know? When he tried to kill me.

 

[tlh]

Date: 6/25/2009 2:25:11 PM
Author: monarch64

Date: 6/25/2009 1:34:41 PM
Author: mausketeer
Well in my first marriage a lot of it had to do with his views of children. Before we got married we agreed we were going to have ONE child, but afterwards, if I ever brought it up he would say ''Oh, but not NOW, um, in a few years''. He argued pretty much EVERY child care ''philosophy'' that I had about raising children with me, to the point that I realized that it was NEVER going to happen. Then...... after the first year of marriage, he announced he was getting a VASECTOMY. Just came home and ANNOUNCED it to me one day. ''I made an appointment for a vasectomy''. No discussion. Yeah, that pretty much did it! LOL. By then I knew I didn''t WANT to have a kid with this man but still, that''s not something you want your husband to decide on his own without consulting you...... He had some odd behaviour as well that I just could NOT deal with anymore. Like, on the weekends - he REFUSED to do more than one ''chore'' per day. Laundry. ''Well, that''s it. We did laundry, now I''m done for the day''. Okay, we''re out of FOOD so we have to go shopping, ''nope, sorry - it''s the weekend, I''m not doing ANYTHING else today''. He was addicted to caffeine, cigarettes, pot and reading and he indulged ALL of them with no regard for ME. Pretty much ALL of our money went towards his 4 vices to the point where I actually had to cut corners on FOOD to make ends meet. He even refused to give up his FOUR STARBUCKS coffee habit a day! I finally went and bought a coffee maker and said if he didn''t use that instead I was leaving (he decided he ''liked'' home made coffee better after that - ha!) I used to bake BREAD from scratch because we were so poor we couldn''t afford to BUY bread and here he was spending $20 a day at Starbucks..... jeez...... You know what was AMAZING though? After we split up, we were friends (believe it or not) and one night, he actually TOLD me ''you know what, EVERYTHING that went wrong in the marriage, it was MY fault - I don''t blame you for anything - it was all ME''. I couldn''t believe it. Wow...... that was a miracle....... poor guy...... last time I talked to him he lived in the same 400 square foot studio apartment he moved into when we split up 15 years ago! So sad......

Um...we maybe were married to the same person. LOL. Never again will I put a man before my own needs, I''ll tell you that. I''d rather spend the rest of my life alone than deal with some of the crap I put up with in my marriage!

you both sound like you''re describing my friend'' husband.

 

[asscherisme]

The final straw for me was when I started to worry about my children's safety. I choose to bring my kids into this world and its my job to be the mama bear and protect them and keep them safe at all costs.

But there were tons and tons of signs before then and I should have probably ended it sooner Its hard to pinpoint just one.

When I would cringe in the evening when I heard the garage door open- he was home and that meant tension and fighting.

When he would be lae coming home from work and I thought how much easier life would be if he never came home.

When I realized that I was making up errands and excused to not be in the house around him and when we were in the house I would be in a differentroom than him- with the door shut so I would not have to hear his voice.

When there had been no sex in years and the thought of it with him made me cringe.

When I realized hie did not give a crap about my feelings and that I came last to everything else. And that he would get annoyed when I tried to start a converstaion with him. Everything was more important than me.

When my self esteem was in the toilet because I would liiterally have to beg him to not walk out of the room when i was in the middle of a coverstaion wtih him. He made me feel like what I had to say was worthless, like I was worthless. The constant put downs, fat comments, etc. Made me feel like nothing.

When my KIDS started asking me why I did not divorce daddy and told me that I would be better off without him. (that was pretty near the end)

when I was sleeping so far over to my side of the bed that I practically fell off. And the sound of his breating annoyed me (and when Kate on that show said that I was thinking- been there!)

When even eatinga meal with him made me cringe. Even the way he ate bugged me.

When I started feeling more like his mother than wife becuase of his lack of common sense and that I could not trust him with anything because of his major screw ups.

When I realized that there was such a huge emotional divide that I no longer shared anything with him other than thebare minimum- stuff regarding the kids, bills etc. But anything regarding myself, my thoughts, feelings, etc I kept to my self, and he never noticed or seemed to care.


WHEN I REALIZED I WAS A MUCH HAPPIER PERSON WHEN HE WAS AT WORK OR OUT OF TOWN THAN WHEN HE WAS HOME. I hated it when he was home. Just hated being around him.

And many many other things as well.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 6/25/2009 3:54:20 PM
Author: Irishgrrrl
When did I know? When he tried to kill me.

 

[Linda W]

Date: 6/25/2009 3:54:20 PM
Author: Irishgrrrl
When did I know? When he tried to kill me.

Oh my poor supa granny!!!!!

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Yeah, Trill and Linda . . . he was a REAL nut-job!

He was controlling and abusive, and divorcing him was definitely the best decision I ever made. And hey, he introduced me to DH, so that marriage wasn''t totally wasted time!

 

[chiapet]

asscherisme, You just totally described my ex-husband. We didn''t have kids (thank God for that!).
What made me realized I wanted to divorce was when I found myself walking around the streets of Manhattan in 20 degree weather instead of going home because I did not want to be home with him. I started getting nauseous at the end of the work day and I didn''t know why until I realize that it was because I didn''t want to go home. He didn''t want a divorce because he needed health insurance (he was unemployed) but he also wanted to date other women. I don''t know he thought I would be okay with that!

 

[Kelli]

Date: 6/25/2009 10:31:59 AM
Author: nytemist
The proverbial writing has been showing up in our marriage, it''s very possible that in a 6 month-year''s time we could be going down that road. My husband''s level of disinterest towards everything else but his cats is insane and this is after a year of counseling. We''ve separated once already unofficially (I stayed at my parents house from December to early April) things seemed to improve (he wanted to finally start talking about some plans for our future, wanted to actually go out on a Saturday night instead of fall asleep in front of the tv at 8:00). A couple of weeks later, things went right back to the way they were. Now that both cats need meds, it was just one of them) us traveling anywhere is out of the question since he refuses to look into pet sitting again. His cats are too unique for that, he thinks. I''ve said don''t you think they know how to handle giving cats meds? That what they are trained for. He would wory about them too much if he were away; he wants to be home to monitor them, meanwhile the boredom of always being in the condo is killing me, as we live in a suburb with no T access and I have no car right now. Again his marriage is put on the back burner and I''ve reached the level that I don''t feel anything. Once I''m on better financially footing, divorce may be the next step.

As my best friend put it as a crude joke, ''dh is fixated on the wrong p*ssy''. It actually made me laugh.

HA!!! That is hilarious!!!

 

[chrono]

Date: 6/25/2009 8:15:26 PM
Author: Irishgrrrl
Yeah, Trill and Linda . . . he was a REAL nut-job!

He was controlling and abusive, and divorcing him was definitely the best decision I ever made. And hey, he introduced me to DH, so that marriage wasn''t totally wasted time!

OMG! That''s definitely the last straw.

I''m glad you found a better husband.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 6/25/2009 9:24:42 PM
Author: chiapet
asscherisme, You just totally described my ex-husband. We didn''t have kids (thank God for that!).
What made me realized I wanted to divorce was when I found myself walking around the streets of Manhattan in 20 degree weather instead of going home because I did not want to be home with him. I started getting nauseous at the end of the work day and I didn''t know why until I realize that it was because I didn''t want to go home. He didn''t want a divorce because he needed health insurance (he was unemployed) but he also wanted to date other women. I don''t know he thought I would be okay with that!

I used to circle around the block several times before I could make myself pull into the garage and go into our house--I remember thinking it was like getting sucked into a black hole every time I walked in the door! I HATED going home after work, too.

 

[mausketeer]

Date: 6/25/2009 4:01:48 PM
Author: tlh

Date: 6/25/2009 2:25:11 PM
Author: monarch64

Date: 6/25/2009 1:34:41 PM
Author: mausketeer
Well in my first marriage a lot of it had to do with his views of children. Before we got married we agreed we were going to have ONE child, but afterwards, if I ever brought it up he would say ''Oh, but not NOW, um, in a few years''. He argued pretty much EVERY child care ''philosophy'' that I had about raising children with me, to the point that I realized that it was NEVER going to happen. Then...... after the first year of marriage, he announced he was getting a VASECTOMY. Just came home and ANNOUNCED it to me one day. ''I made an appointment for a vasectomy''. No discussion. Yeah, that pretty much did it! LOL. By then I knew I didn''t WANT to have a kid with this man but still, that''s not something you want your husband to decide on his own without consulting you...... He had some odd behaviour as well that I just could NOT deal with anymore. Like, on the weekends - he REFUSED to do more than one ''chore'' per day. Laundry. ''Well, that''s it. We did laundry, now I''m done for the day''. Okay, we''re out of FOOD so we have to go shopping, ''nope, sorry - it''s the weekend, I''m not doing ANYTHING else today''. He was addicted to caffeine, cigarettes, pot and reading and he indulged ALL of them with no regard for ME. Pretty much ALL of our money went towards his 4 vices to the point where I actually had to cut corners on FOOD to make ends meet. He even refused to give up his FOUR STARBUCKS coffee habit a day! I finally went and bought a coffee maker and said if he didn''t use that instead I was leaving (he decided he ''liked'' home made coffee better after that - ha!) I used to bake BREAD from scratch because we were so poor we couldn''t afford to BUY bread and here he was spending $20 a day at Starbucks..... jeez...... You know what was AMAZING though? After we split up, we were friends (believe it or not) and one night, he actually TOLD me ''you know what, EVERYTHING that went wrong in the marriage, it was MY fault - I don''t blame you for anything - it was all ME''. I couldn''t believe it. Wow...... that was a miracle....... poor guy...... last time I talked to him he lived in the same 400 square foot studio apartment he moved into when we split up 15 years ago! So sad......

Um...we maybe were married to the same person. LOL. Never again will I put a man before my own needs, I''ll tell you that. I''d rather spend the rest of my life alone than deal with some of the crap I put up with in my marriage!

you both sound like you''re describing my friend'' husband.

LOL! What IS it with these guys? And I am very recently SINGLE again from someone I was GOING to marry but DIDN''T who (thankfully I wasn''t THAT dumb THIS time) wasn''t QUITE as bad as hubby #1 but again, he could be UNBELIEVABLY selfish and self-centred (stay tuned for "The Great Peanut Incident" story on another thread)......

It''s funny - I said that EXACT phrase in my head when I decided I didn''t want to get married! "I''d rather spend the rest of my life ALONE than be married to this ____" (fill in the blank)

Stick a fork in me I''m done girls...... D-O-N-E - DONE! If I have to live with cats and dogs for the rest of my life instead of men, that will be okay by me.......

 

[mausketeer]

Date: 6/25/2009 8:15:26 PM
Author: Irishgrrrl
Yeah, Trill and Linda . . . he was a REAL nut-job!

He was controlling and abusive, and divorcing him was definitely the best decision I ever made. And hey, he introduced me to DH, so that marriage wasn''t totally wasted time!

Wow - glad you came out okay!

I find it really inspiring how so many women on this forum can come on and tell these really AWFUL stories and yet we always seem to find the good side to them, you know? Seems to be a common trait amongst Pricescopers......

 

[mausketeer]

Speaking of John and Kate..... I watched a few of the shows way at the beginning and although I really LIKED her (she reminds me of ME personality wise - lol) I found her to be WAY too controlling and thought "wow, he is NOT going to last with her treating him like that!" When I saw the promo for the "divorce episode" I figured I had to watch it. I have to say, that whole thing with the "crooked house" placement - WHAT was he thinking?! These little teeny kids going ALL the way down into the forest to play? SO far from the house where nobody can see them? Was he crazy? And his whole "Well I already cleared the land - THAT''S where they''re going - goodbye". I was like "Uh-huh - wow, that sounds SO familiar. TYPICAL guy rationale". I thought she handled it VERY well. "Well someone ELSE told him it didn''t make sense so he listened to them". Yup - I hear THAT all right.......

 

[Black Jade]

I''m not divorced. My parents got divorced after 40 years of marriage. They actually never made it official, but my dad moved out and never moved back. I remember that my mother was SURPRISED that he moved out. I wondered how she could be surprised. They had been constantly fighting for about 15 years. Two days before he left, they had a fight in front of some old friends and she shoved him into the swimming pool with all his clothes on, in front of everybody. But she was very surprised that he finally left, kept looking for the ''other woman'' (there wasn''t any) and kept telling us kids to make him return to her (which we couldn''t have done).

The whole thing was completely horrible; my father has now been dead 10 years and our family is only now just starting to heal, to the point where most of us siblings can be in the same room with each other and where most of us have a relationship with my mom. I always wanted my parents to split up because they fought so much, but when they split up it was so much worse than before, I couldn''t believe it. I can''t imagine how kids go through this-- I was like, 38 years old and I was in meltdown every holiday, with my parents fighting over who I was visiting and who I was visiting first and all sorts of stuff. I developed this feeling of real insecurity, like the bottom could drop out of anything at any time and I''ve never gotten rid of it, not even with counselling. I can''t imagine what this would have been like, if I were say, five years and hadn''t had a husband and kids of my own at the time.

My husband is great now--but he wasn''t always very nice. I can remember about fifteen years ago, he was selfish and into his career and had a terrible temper. He used to do things like, when the kids made too much noise or when he thought the house was too dirty that were very difficult. I remember once, he ripped the VCR out of the wall and threw it down the stairs in front of all of us for some reason like that. That the kids were too noisy (they were like aged three and five). We went through a very bad period--I can remember thinking that I was staying in the marriage because of the kids, because I knew how horrible divorce was from the kid''s point of view. I remember thinking that I wasn''t ever going to be happy with him, becasue he was so awful, and not like the person I married at all. He used to call me stupid and call the kids stupid and things like that, and yell ALL THE TIME. But we had a lot of counselling and we got into a church where they were very serious about saving marriages and my husband got into a men''s prayer group where they talked constantly about respecting your wife and treating her the way God intended you to treat her. There were a lot of men and they got together for a Bible study once a week and he went to other classes and it was gradual, but he just changed so incredibly. All of the men encouraged each other and competed to be nice to their wives and the pastor preached (still preaches) sermons all the time on treating your wife well. He got some other male companionship besides the alpha male ''companionship'' (competition) at work and had a good example set. They also gave classes to us wives, where I learned a lot of things about speaking up, but in a non-combative way, and how important sex is to men, and other things like that. It was amazing how things turned around and it got so that I was HAPPY with him, not just hanging in there, and could tell he really cared about me and the kids. Now I have friends who are jealous of the wonderful husband I have, and I just feel so grateful that it turned out like this.

I feel so bad when I read some of you guy''s stories and hope that those of you who are in second marriages, it has a happy ending. Relationships are so hard. I fell in love with my husband when he was 17 and I was 18 and it was all romantic in college and stuff, but when he started working and we had stresses (one thing we had was an extremely sick child, who almost died from asthma and then turned out to be manic-depressive and have Tourette''s and some other things too), things got really rough. Life can really destroy you if you don''t know how to fight back and I think in this society which is very isolating for everybody, you as a couple need a supportive group of people around you and older people who have experience and wisdom, which is why a good church or synagogue or something can be SO helpful. I don''t think a couple can make it on their own with no social support system and few people have good families anymore or any good older examples.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

When you can''t make it through the night without yelling at one another.

 

[vintagelover229]

[/quote] Stick a fork in me I'm done girls...... D-O-N-E - DONE! If I have to live with cats and dogs for the rest of my life instead of men, that will be okay by me....... [/quote]


I'm starting to feel the same way. I'd rather not discuss it right now...but after i went out w/my friends ONCE and had more fun in one night than I have in the last 3 years...well...needless to say it made me re-think a few things...like I was really happy these last few years or not....