Divorce Cold Feet

[CrazyMaybe]

Hi PSers,

I am not sure if you remember me from the "divorce" thread. Well the papers are in the works but lately I have been having some serious doubts about going through with this. I can barely even explain why. I am starting to worry I didn't give it enough time or him another chance once he started taking things seriously. Every time I see him we get along great (which is infrequently). I don't know why it wasn't like that when we were living under the same roof. He seems to be making some major changes in his life to become a better person. I'd like to ask him exactly what changes he is making so I can see if his actions match up to what seems to be going on. But I do not want to give him any type of false hope. I know that he is going through a rough time too and it isn't fair to do that to him.

I also feel ridiculous for having doubts after how poorly he treated me. But he does have many redeeming qualities (obviously) that I do really love. I am not sure if this is just part of the process or a real concern. I also am under an enormous amount of pressure in all areas of my life. Not just my personal life. So maybe that is what is making me question my decision.

Thanks.
CM

 

[somethingshiny]

Looks like many of read but none have posted.

This is an incredibly difficult decision you're facing. Have you talked to a therapist, pastor, parents, etc? Somebody who is more "there" with you may be able to offer you the support you're needing whether it's support to walk away or support to stick with it. I'm so sorry you are going through any of this.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I have a few friends who have been divorced, and what you're feeling is "normal". It's normal to look at him now that the end is near and see all the sides of who he was and miss that. I don't think it can be avoided, really. He can make changes and strides and be wonderful when you see him infrequently for a few minutes or an hour. That's really not all that hard. But that guy who treated you so poorly, he's still there too, just under the surface being on his best behavior. I'm sure it's very hard and very confusing.

I don't have much to offer in terms of suggestions other than maybe talking to a professional or someone closer to the situation. Everything leading up to "now" told you leaving and moving on was the right thing to do, so that still is true. And maybe you just need to be reminded of that...

 

[lliang_chi]

CM, Hugs to you my friend. I also suggest talking to a counselor, or religious person, or a trusted friend/advisor. It's natural for you to get "cold feet" but you made the decision based on tangible factors. And honestly, it takes a LOOOOONG time for people to change. I'm not saying people can't change, but it takes a very long time and requires a LOT of effort.

~LC

 

[iheartscience]

I have a few friends who have been divorced, and what you're feeling is "normal". It's normal to look at him now that the end is near and see all the sides of who he was and miss that. I don't think it can be avoided, really. He can make changes and strides and be wonderful when you see him infrequently for a few minutes or an hour. That's really not all that hard. But that guy who treated you so poorly, he's still there too, just under the surface being on his best behavior. I'm sure it's very hard and very confusing.

I don't have much to offer in terms of suggestions other than maybe talking to a professional or someone closer to the situation. Everything leading up to "now" told you leaving and moving on was the right thing to do, so that still is true. And maybe you just need to be reminded of that...

Ditto. It's very easy to get along with someone when you don't live with them and are completely removed from the stress of daily life. Everything you posted previously made it sound like your relationship was terrible and you were miserable. None of us can tell you what to do, but perhaps re-reading your prior threads here and thinking about how your husband treated you when you were still together would help bring you clarity.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I have a few friends who have been divorced, and what you're feeling is "normal". It's normal to look at him now that the end is near and see all the sides of who he was and miss that. I don't think it can be avoided, really. He can make changes and strides and be wonderful when you see him infrequently for a few minutes or an hour. That's really not all that hard. But that guy who treated you so poorly, he's still there too, just under the surface being on his best behavior. I'm sure it's very hard and very confusing.

I don't have much to offer in terms of suggestions other than maybe talking to a professional or someone closer to the situation. Everything leading up to "now" told you leaving and moving on was the right thing to do, so that still is true. And maybe you just need to be reminded of that...

Ditto. It's very easy to get along with someone when you don't live with them and are completely removed from the stress of daily life. Everything you posted previously made it sound like your relationship was terrible and you were miserable. None of us can tell you what to do, but perhaps re-reading your prior threads here and thinking about how your husband treated you when you were still together would help bring you clarity.

Ditto. Issues in relationships arise in large part from the reality of day in and day out living together, and from incompatible goals and desires and needs that come from shared lives and shared outcomes. Remove the ties between one another by not living together and you remove a source of stress. But it is not real. The issues that led you to where you are have no gone away. YOu just don't see them because you are no longer in a situation where the stressors come up.

Its sort of like how it is much easier to get along with you parents when you don't live with them anymore. Sounds trite, but its not. Shared day to day life brings issues to the fore.

FWIW I felt the same way with my Ex. We broke up and I moved out but we kept seeing each other because, well, I was lonely. And boy we never fought it was great! But it was not reality.

 

[Octavia]

I agree with the others, and I also think anytime you're about to make a huge life change (whether it's divorce, quitting a job, moving to a new city, etc) you're apt to step back and wonder whether it is the right thing or a big mistake. But I think you know deep down that this is the best thing for you, because you wouldn't have gotten to this point otherwise. Big hugs, I'm so sorry you're hurting right now.

 

[lulu]

I think your feelings are very normal, but I went back and read your initial post.



"My husband has always had a bit of an anger issue, but once we got married it was like he didn't care how he acted, what he said, or what he did. I guess he thinks that now that we are married he can do whatever he wants and I will never leave. For example, he will grab my arm, shove me, yell at me as loud as he can an inch from my face, gets in fights with me in public (which is embarassing and he does it in front of friends and strangers). For some reason, he keeps doing these out of control things even though he admits they are wrong. He always promises he won't do it again."

I think you're doing the right thing.

 

[pancake]

CM, if this man had no redeeming features you would not ever have loved him. But you did - and you loved him well. The problem is that he had so many ugly and inexcusable negative features too that he did not make a good life partner for you. I think that this is a dual thing - firstly, the cold feet is a natural reaction in your position, I think everybody goes through it after ending a meaningful relationship, no matter whether they ended it or it was ended for them. Secondly, you feel conflicted because there are many wonderful things about this man and your emotional investment in him and in the relationship was deep and complete. To some degree in this situation I think you need to exercise a bit of blind faith that you made the right informed decision at the right time, and you need to believe (or know, really) that this conflict in your mind will eventually go away.

Good luck. You are doing a brave and difficult thing, but it does sound like it is for the best.

 

[Izzy03]

Hi! I have been MIA lately, mostly because I have been trying to sort my feelings and deal with them regardless of any outside influences. I used to think that our situations were world apart. We have more similarities than I originally thought.

I left my husband, but left the door open. I thought that we could reconnect after a difficult marriage. After all, the most recent situation we were dealing with was a "he said, she said", Lifetime Movie Network type of case. Maybe after I left him, he would realize his faults and change, right?

Our most recent drama: I talked to him about his temper, yelling, hitting things, throwing things. I told him that he needed to change if we were ever going to be together. He agreed. I thought maybe we could work it out. After all, when his temper wasn't getting the best of him, he was such a great husband/guy.

Fast forward to this weekend. I decided to spent the weekend at "our house" because I was scheduled to work at my (very) part-time job and "our" house is close to said job. To make a long story short, we got into an argument, and he literally shoved me. All 110 lbs of ME flying across the room into the ground. One hand into my shoulder, one hand into my right breast, SHOVED me. My knee is quite from hitting the ground BTW. Not only did he put his hands on me, but then he tried to justify his actions by saying that he was simply trying to turn me around and had no intention of sending me into the ground.

I NEVER IN 100 YEARS WOULD I HAVE EVER THOUGHT HE WOULD EVER PUT HIS HANDS ON ME!!!! He has ALWAYS spoken strongly against abuse towards women, especially after what he has seen his father do to his mother. I sat there on the ground after being shoved thinking.... "DID THAT REALLY JUST HAPPEN? HE TOLD ME HE WOULD SEEK THERAPY YET HE JUST PUT HIS HANDS ON ME?!?!

Honestly, I read your story a few months ago thinking that you were in a much worse situation than me, but know I see that your situation simply just progressed more quickly.

Of course he has good traits, you wouldn't have married him if he didn't have such great traits to offset that bad ones. But are his "bad" qualities something you are willing to expose your future children to? If he does it now, he will do if the two of you have children.

If you go back to your husband, I can promise you: He will be sweet, then you will argue, he will tell you how awful you are and how his behavior is the result of YOUR behavior, you will think that just maybe he is right. Rinse, lather, repeat.

I hope you have the strength that I often lack. You have come this far, get out NOW!

I promise, in two years, you will send us all a message telling us what a great place you are in and I will read your words with a smile.

 

[monarch64]

It took me two years after first coming to the conclusion that things were not going to change. You're not alone, and yes, it is normal to want to exhaust every last effort. You'll get there, just please keep in mind your own safety as much as possible. (Easier said than done.)

Izzy, I am not surprised at all that your husband shoved you. He is in a desperate situation all around, and he is a person who doesn't seem to be able to cope with life without being under the influence of substances nor can he control his anger. I went through many similar episodes with my ex. My best advice is to sever ties with him. I think you know that, but it's a tough thing to do. Your presence will only antagonize him at this point (NOT YOUR FAULT), so really I would try to avoid contact in person and minimize contact by phone and email whenever possible. If you have to go to your old house, bring a trusted friend/loved one with you. If no one of that description is available, it might be a good idea for you to request a police escort.

When I left my ex, I notified a close friend and her family (who were on standby), and my brother and uncle drove up to move me out. They notified the police, and my brother was armed. The police came to the door before my brother and uncle entered, and my ex left the house. I did not take any chances. I didn't THINK that my ex would actually do anything, but I had no way of knowing whether he would or wouldn't, based on his past behavior. I was not about to spare his feelings or pride...he never spared mine in the past.

This all can seem very dramatic and overblown to an outsider or casual observer, but when you are dealing with someone whose behavior is unpredictable there is an element of danger that you must pay attention to. It never hurts to be a few steps ahead of them.

 

[swingirl]

Statistics show that the most dangerous time for a spouse is when he/she announces that they are leaving the abusive relationship. Once you make the decision it really is best NOT to sit on the fence. It can be perceived that you are toying with them and their anger can escalate to way beyond where it was before. Please be safe and take more precautions then you think would be necessary.

 

[teslagirl1234]

Hi! I have been MIA lately, mostly because I have been trying to sort my feelings and deal with them regardless of any outside influences. I used to think that our situations were world apart. We have more similarities than I originally thought.

I left my husband, but left the door open. I thought that we could reconnect after a difficult marriage. After all, the most recent situation we were dealing with was a "he said, she said", Lifetime Movie Network type of case. Maybe after I left him, he would realize his faults and change, right?

Our most recent drama: I talked to him about his temper, yelling, hitting things, throwing things. I told him that he needed to change if we were ever going to be together. He agreed. I thought maybe we could work it out. After all, when his temper wasn't getting the best of him, he was such a great husband/guy.

Fast forward to this weekend. I decided to spent the weekend at "our house" because I was scheduled to work at my (very) part-time job and "our" house is close to said job. To make a long story short, we got into an argument, and he literally shoved me. All 110 lbs of ME flying across the room into the ground. One hand into my shoulder, one hand into my right breast, SHOVED me. My knee is quite from hitting the ground BTW. Not only did he put his hands on me, but then he tried to justify his actions by saying that he was simply trying to turn me around and had no intention of sending me into the ground.

I NEVER IN 100 YEARS WOULD I HAVE EVER THOUGHT HE WOULD EVER PUT HIS HANDS ON ME!!!! He has ALWAYS spoken strongly against abuse towards women, especially after what he has seen his father do to his mother. I sat there on the ground after being shoved thinking.... "DID THAT REALLY JUST HAPPEN? HE TOLD ME HE WOULD SEEK THERAPY YET HE JUST PUT HIS HANDS ON ME?!?!

Honestly, I read your story a few months ago thinking that you were in a much worse situation than me, but know I see that your situation simply just progressed more quickly.

Of course he has good traits, you wouldn't have married him if he didn't have such great traits to offset that bad ones. But are his "bad" qualities something you are willing to expose your future children to? If he does it now, he will do if the two of you have children.

If you go back to your husband, I can promise you: He will be sweet, then you will argue, he will tell you how awful you are and how his behavior is the result of YOUR behavior, you will think that just maybe he is right. Rinse, lather, repeat.

I hope you have the strength that I often lack. You have come this far, get out NOW!

I promise, in two years, you will send us all a message telling us what a great place you are in and I will read your words with a smile.

I know this is an older thread, but I agree. It escalates from rare verbal abuse, to constant anger, to threats to hit you, to maybe a light push he will deny, to who knows what. I am getting ready to leave my husband after I sell my house as he is abusive, to the point of me getting a restraining order recently as he kept threatening to break things, to hit me, to run car off a cliff if I don’t shut up. I dismissed the order as I missed him and thought that maybe I made a rash decision and that it will get better, but it’s not better. If anything he is more angry, there is more blame, silent treatments, and nothing getting resolved. And then he’s nice. It’s called the cycle of abuse. And no one deserves it!! There is a spiritual saying and truth, “the best thing you can do for others, is doing what’s best for yourself.” They might not realize it right then, but letting go is sometimes the best thing for them too.

 

[Shiny_pretty_things]

I know this is an older thread, but I agree. It escalates from rare verbal abuse, to constant anger, to threats to hit you, to maybe a light push he will deny, to who knows what. I am getting ready to leave my husband after I sell my house as he is abusive, to the point of me getting a restraining order recently as he kept threatening to break things, to hit me, to run car off a cliff if I don’t shut up. I dismissed the order as I missed him and thought that maybe I made a rash decision and that it will get better, but it’s not better. If anything he is more angry, there is more blame, silent treatments, and nothing getting resolved. And then he’s nice. It’s called the cycle of abuse. And no one deserves it!! There is a spiritual saying and truth, “the best thing you can do for others, is doing what’s best for yourself.” They might not realize it right then, but letting go is sometimes the best thing for them too.

Good for you! I can't imagine how hard this is for you but you are taking your first steps to a new safer life and well done to you.

 

[in-the-air]

It's a very difficult decision. Hope you got some help

 

[partgypsy]

It's natural to feel cold feet. When there is some distance you can see and miss the good parts of them, or the parts of the relationship that were good. And we have 2 kids together. I didn't want to be a divorced single parent. But I also knew that I didn't take these steps lightly and even if wrenching it was the right decision. And once I did it, it was a sense of relief. Sorry. it's not easy.