Divorce 2

[movie zombie]

advise given to me by a recovered alcoholic woman when i spoke to her re my problems in a relationship with an alcoholic boyfriend: it will never work. her opinion is that recovering people need each other and do better in relationships with each other. that's the simplifed version of the conversation....and she was right.

unfortunately, once trust is broken, it is broken. i'm not sure it can ever be "earned" back. it doesn't make you a bad person. and its not your job to heal him. that's his job. perhaps the voice of reason he needs is that his marriage is failing or has failed because of his addiction.

your disconnect is a survival instinct. a healthy one, imo. you can lead a horse to water but you can't force it to drink. same with addicts: you can point to all the resources, encourage them and attend with them, but ultimately it is their work that needs to be done.

i think you want the best for him but realistically have come to the conclusion that he's in denial and not doing the necessary work. of course, you're finding it hard to trust.

i read the following in a self-help book: you can tell what a woman thinks about herself by the man she is with. for me this was a breakthrough that got me to thinking about a lot of my choices.

again, good luck. i think you're on the right track. but please do remember: he is responsible for himself. he makes his choices. you can and must be clear with yourself and then communicate to him the life you want for yourself. then act accordingly.

good luck.

MoZo

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Izzy, you need to have an honest look at your past relationships. Have you always been attracted to sick people (ex alcoholic, mental illness, etc)? Do you have a history of addiction in your family? The reason I ask is typically people have patterns on who they are attracted to, both in intimate relationships and friendship. If you don't change those patterns you will end up with someone exactly like your current husband. That is why I always suggest Al-Anon to people who have a close relationship with an addict (including addicts themselves). It is a program for people who have problems with intimate relationships. There you can focus on YOU. On what YOU need to be happy. Recovery is not just for addicts. It is for anyone who has maladaptive coping skills. That is why there is literally 100s of 12 step programs. They work. Once you learn more about yourself you will have a better idea about your marriage.

 

[Pandora II]

Izzy, I spent (wasted) 7 years of my life on an alcoholic - no amount of love, understanding, propping-up or putting up with the emotional and eventually physical abuse made any difference except make me very unhappy. I didn't know about Al-Anon at the time and wish I had.

I went through several other relationships with people who were fundamentally toxic and then a work colleague gave me a copy of 'Women Who Love Too Much' and it opened my eyes to just how attracted I was to 'sick' people and gave me lots of pointers on how to cure my 'Florence Nightingale Syndrome'. Still took several years and a lot of therapy to learn how to be in a happy, healthy, less dramatic relationship. Now I often see men who I know my old self would have been attracted to and I shudder as to how blind I was because now I can spot them from a mile away!

As someone who is 'opiate dependent' (I have spinal stenosis, 2 herniated discs and a trapped nerve in my spine - have had 5 lots of surgery, one major and have to wait 15 years or so before they can operate again) I thought I would chime in here on the painkiller issue - for what it's worth I've taken one of the meds on the list (promethazine) for morning sickness, it's not addicting but will stop him feeling sick from some of the others I would guess.

There is a huge difference between being dependent and being addicted. When you are dependent you need the meds as they are treating an underlying condition and yes, you are likely to suffer withdrawal symptoms if you stop taking them as well as break-through pain etc. However you will not need to increase the dosage over time and the meds will probably have little effect on your general behaviour. I've been on the same dosage of my meds for nearly 7 years now - if any of you were to take what I take at breakfast you'd probably be unconcious in ER an hour later, but I'm now extremely tolerant of what I take and I function completely normally but pain-free - I can take exams and even did my driving test on them!

But there are many people who are addicted to painkillers who don't really have an underlying pathology - although they make have a degree of pain or psychosomatic pain. They are chasing the effects of the painkillers and as they develop a tolerance they must take larger doses to get that effect.

Pain is very subjective and can only be judged on what the person describes which makes prescribing a bit of a mine-field and often results in under-treatment of true chronic pain through fear of addiction etc. I certainly found doctors became a lot more relaxed about my Rxs once I had a couple of years under my belt with no dose increase. When I then started taking an anti-epileptic called lamotrigine which also works on nerve pain in some people and dropped from the 240mg of codeine a day that I'd taken for more than 4 years to zero in 3 days with no withdrawal issues (although I do still take 200mg of tramadol and cannot come off that at all) they stopped worrying completely.

It's a really big addiction problem to face as it has the added problem of making you worry as to whether he really does need the meds or not. If it's illicit drugs or alcohol it's a lot easier to see them as a complete no-no. Hence why Al-Anon could be even more helpful in your situation.

If you have any questions on painkillers or chronic pain I'm happy to answer what I can - I'm not a doctor (although most of my family are) but I am on the 'expert patient' thing they have in the UK...

 

[movie zombie]

'Women Who Love Too Much' and it opened my eyes to just how attracted I was to 'sick' people and gave me lots of pointers on how to cure my 'Florence Nightingale Syndrome'. Still took several years and a lot of therapy to learn how to be in a happy, healthy, less dramatic relationship. Now I often see men who I know my old self would have been attracted to and I shudder as to how blind I was because now I can spot them from a mile away!

i found this book on my own and i will 2nd Pandora that it is a "must" read. i will also vouch re the bolded.

MoZo

 

[Dreamer_D]

My family has been heavily affected by addiction. My grandfather was an alcoholic, and it affected the whole family. At one point, when he was around 55, he gave up alcohol cold turkey (a long and traumatic event in our family), and stayed sober for 18 years. Those were really great years in the family. But he was what is called a "dry drunk" in that he was not drinking, but the issues that caused him to use still remained and he never did seek any sort of counselling. The bad news is that as soon as a major stressor appeared in his life, he started drinking again. Heavily. And the last 5 years of his life were just terrible because of this.

My point is that if I were with a man with additiction issues I would only stay with him if he worked a programme seriously. And I would personally attend al-anon regularly to help identify my own role in thigs and to avoid becoming codependent. You are so young that you will face *many* stressors in your marriage and he is not presently equipped to deal with them. Nor are you I imagine.

But the reality is, having seen the effects of addiction on a family, and how they have lasted for 3 generations, I would never be with an addict. I encourage you to attend al-anon to learn more about yourself and understand why you are drawn to a man who is an addict and who treats you poorly.

 

[Izzy03]

Hi all, I'm back to update and to answer some q's.

Overall, hubby has been doing really well, his use of pain meds has decreased quite a bit since his surgery. Unfortunately, our marriage does not seem to be getting any better. The verbal abuse has stopped since our last big blowup but his moods are so labile I can't even stand it. He constantly thinks that I am questioning and checking up on him. He switches from normal to pissy so quickly. He is not lighthearted anymore, and I am the queen of playing pranks and joking around. Now he takes offense to my jokes, oh what a joy to be around. His excuse for his behavior is that he is sick of not being trusted anymore.

I feel like I am being perceived a little incorrectly right now. I am not a codependent girl who falls in love quickly and clings to my relationships with men who are no good. Quite the opposite! I have a very functional family, my parents are still married, and I grew up in a very peaceful household. I have always been very independent and I am one of the few women I have met that honestly ENJOYS being single. Seriously, I LOVE it! Being single again is NOT something that scares me, it sounds fun!!! I have BIG backup plans! Traveling, graduate programs, going out to diner with great looking men......What scares me is that I do want children one day and see myself avoiding another serious relationship if I do end up divorced.

I was hesitant to date my husband because I was having the time of my life focusing on myself. I dated plenty in college and I used to stop dating men over things that many people find "piddly", such as the not being ambitious enough, not having a great sense of humor, partying too much, not having a good relationship with family, not loving Christmas, or being too dirty. When a man acted "needy", I ran for the hills! I did not want to take care of a man, nor did I need a man to take care of me. I was always told I would never get married because I was too picky. I had one seriously relationship before my husband, and things were great with my ex for awhile, until he started having an eye for other women. We were young and in college and he wanted to act like a frat boy, so I broke things off and life went on, no big drama! When I met my husband, he seemed too good to be true. I was very cautious, after all, no one THAT kind and generous is EVER for real. So I kept my guard up noticed that he was kind to everyone he met. Nowadays, it seems he is kind to everyone except me, haha. My prince turned into a frog......

While I do not trust him, I also don't waste my time checking up on him anymore. I am well aware that it is NOT my job to fix him, and I am done trying to get him to seek help. I am not staying with him because I want to HELP him, I am staying with him because I feel obligated to because I took vows. Right now I do not see much hope for us, but if I leave him, I want to know that all options were exhausted. No regrets.

I will definitely look into the book that you all have suggested (Women who love too much), because I think it may give me some clarity in my relationship, but no, this type of dysfunction is not typical for me! I hope things get better, but if not I am prepared to leave, I'm just not sure when.......

Again, I appreciate all the advice you all have given me!!! I always feel better after posted these updates!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

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