Home Discouraged mom here

[lumpkin]

Last week I met with a team from our school and district regarding my kindergardner''s progress and for a general education intervention. It''s the first step in getting an individual education program. The principal, school nurse, his teacher, a special ed teacher, a psychologist, and another woman was there -- I''m not sure what her function was because she came in after the meeting started and no one said. It was emotionally draining. They first covered his strengths, which are that he is very, very bright and he is not at all disruptive in the classroom. He does not stand out in that regard, which is a blessing. Then we went on to his weaknesses. The first month and a half of his struggle just to get in and stay in the classroom was discussed and the psychologist and the one woman asked what I had done to encourage him and focused on the fact that I still walk him into the school to his classroom. Fortunately his teacher and the principal backed me up and expressed the progress that has been made and that they agree there is a genuine need for me to do this. A few weeks ago my husband tried to take him in and he would not go. I was unable to take him to school that day so he ended up coming home. The school psychologist looked at me and said, "Well, you did it." I''m not exactly sure what she meant by that, but I''m very sure it was a stab at my parenting. We also discussed a field trip the class took and a problem we had there with my son. I am requesting that he have an aid to go with him, just to be with him and help him if he gets "stuck" because of a sensory issue. The psychologist suggested that he just not go to the field trips. The whole time she was watching me and writing things down and had several snide comments to make. I have never met her before and she has never met my son. I can''t stop thinking about it because she has a certain amount of say in how my son''s situation is handled. I need to find out just how much. I know the people at my son''s school are very familiar with us and extremely supportive. But when I got a copy of the report, which was basically a documentation of the meeting, there was an error in it. I contacted the person who typed it and she said she would correct it. I got another copy with a note saying she had made the correction and some other changes, but when I looked at it, the correction had not been made. Now I have to reread this entire report again and resubmit it and hope that the correction will be made and everyone who is supposed to keep this is actually going to keep the corrected, third copy instead of one of the earlier ones. Then today when we went to school my son told me again, as he does every single day, even on weekends, how much he hates school. I am heart broken as I watch him struggle every day just to get into the classroom. I can''t stop crying this morning and this is the day I volunteer at the library. I have to go but I''ll check back.

 

[asscherisme]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I have had IEPs or 504 plan for all of my kids. 3 still have them. I can tell you that you need to be the best advocate for your child and you don't have to agree with what they are proposing. Its within your right to disagree with them and suggest alternatives.

I have felt sometimes that schools sometimes suggest what is easiest for them and not always in the best interest of the children. In my daughter's case who did have an IEP (for occupational therapy) they released her after 2 years saying she was fine and she still struggles. She gets F grades in handwriting and struggles with it and cries over it and they tell me she no longer needs OT. She has a condition that causes weak muscles in her hands. I am fighting with the school district now to get the IEP reinstated and if its not, I am going to have to pay out of pocket for OT for her which really frustrates me since they have TWO full time OT specialists at their school! If a child who has a medical condition diagnosed weak muscles and gets Fs in writing and she does not qualifiy than what are those OT people doing?

Regarding inappropriate- my oldest son has aspergers syndrome and tourettes syndrome, among other things but like your son, he is super bright and in gifted classes wth an IQ of 150! His classroom teacher was trying to get him removed from the classroom during reading time and tests because she said his ticks were disruptive. I had to research and point out to her that was illegal and discrimination against him because it was a pysical disability and not bad behavior on his part. I totally feel with you on the sensory issues and hating school. both my sons have sensory issues and my oldest son, even though he gets straight As has the worst attitude towards school and hates it because he gets teased by other kids. Jr. High has been a really hard transition for him this year.

My younger son has aspergers as well. Dealing with schools can be really hard but I have found that if you can find someone in the school to be on your side it helps a lot. I also have found that my son's therapist is a good advocate and he helps me tremendously and is able to attend meetings with me (for a fee of course.)

Its a long tough road but your son will benifit tremendously from you sticking it out for him.

 

[fansynancy]

lumpkin-

My heart aches for you. I have two children who are school aged and the one thing I have learned is that there is no better advocate for our children than their parents. I have left school meetings many times and gone to my car to cry. Sometimes professionals are so objective that they seem cold and heartless. AND. . . they are often wrong. Do you have a psychologist that you or your child sees? I found that in my situation (which I am glad to share but will not go into here as this is your thread) when I submitted a private couselor''s opinion I got much better results. IMO, a psychologist who suggests a child be isolated and kept home from school trips is simply lazy and not looking for a real solution. I thinks it''s a stinky program, but the President supports NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND. I think this would include a field trip.

I know it''s hard, but you have to keep fighting for your child and listen to your heart, even if you think no one is on your side. If it''s too painful to go to shool and work the library, I say skip it.

Hugs to you today. . .

Nancy

 

[asscherisme]

Nancy,

Me too. I use to leave the meetings and cry with my first child. I have gotten hardened over the years and am less apt to cry in my car. Often I make it home before I cry. Or dont'' at all. I wonder how many moms leave those IEP meetings and cry.

It always amazes me how cold the professionals can come across. Those meetings can be very intimidating too.

When it comes to my son''s, I have learned to schedule when their therapist can come with me. It helps big time and its amazing how having a psychologist next to you that you are paying can make the school district listen better to you. And if nothing else, its nice to have a witness.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

I wish I could say something that would help ease your mind!

IN grade three, when I had my son go thru the educational assessment testing--I chose a Psychologist who came highly recommended by my Pediatrician. I began the process myself after my son told me he was not interested in school b/c it was boring. And since I wasn''t interested in waiting on the school''s red tape, I hired the Psychologist myself.

I spoke to several Psychologists before I decided on this one lady--and she was absolutely wonderful--my son still speaks highly of her! She was the most wonderful advocate for my son--and her suggestions meant more work for the teacher, but the school was on board. BTW, I paid privately for this, but some of the cost was covered by my DH''s work insurance.

Perhaps you do not feel comfortable with the Psychologist that the school has choosen for you. Do you feel you have other options?

kind regards--Sharon

 

[Eva17]

Go and buy yourself the book, Wrights Law. It is loaded with information and helps empower you as your childs advocate. There are website in the back of the book that are really helpful.

Those meeting are VERY intimidate. It is usually 6 against one. Unless you bring someone. Your local septa will have great meetings for you to go to and will also provide you with great parent advocates that can attend meetings with you.

I always decline their parent advocate and if needed, bring my own. That is probably who the other woman was that you didn''t know who she was or why she was there. They usually just sit there.

Don''t get sad. Get mad and empower yourself. It is nice and early in his education for you get what your child needs and help turn this around. Sometimes you need to get an outside diagnosis for proper intervention. I always did that. The school did their diagnosis, and then we took our child for a private diagnosis. And then paid the professional to attend the metting to discuss the plans for the IEP or 504 provisions.

Good luck to you!!!!!

 

[lumpkin]

Thank you sooooo much for the support. I can''t tell you how much it means. I''m back from the library and I''m glad I went. I get to be in the library when my kindergardner''s class has library day. I get to watch him and I am noticing more interaction with other children and he really doesn''t stand out much. If he weren''t my child and I''d only ever seen him in library I would never know what''s going on with him.

Asscherisme: Thank you for sharing your experiences. Sounds like you are well aware of exactly what my meeting was like! Thankfully, I love the principal, nurse and teacher. They are all very supportive and I definitely feel like they are on my side. They''ve all made suggestions that have helped and not one of them has ever suggested I''m doing anything that would encourage my son''s dependency on me. I''m not a shrinking violet -- I''m not confrontational, in general, but I''m not easily intimidated. I have learned how to effectively advocate for my older son and now he''s pretty darn good at advocating for himself. He also was diagnosed with Asperger''s, but his ADHD gave us more trouble than the Asperger''s, so I do sometimes wonder if he just as "aspects" of it, but then I look at the diagnostic criteria and he does meet it. He''s on medication for the ADHD and it has worked very well for him. He''s on the right track, and except for being overwhelmed by homework, he''s doing great. I''m working with him on breaking it all down into manageable sections and he''s getting the hang of it. He''s in 4th grade and fortunately never had to have an IEP. Simply working with the principal and his teachers made all the difference, and I can''t say enough good things about them. I thank God every day that we are in the school we are in, because other schools in our district are not nearly as responsive. As far as my younger one, we''ll have to work harder because of the sensory issues. I think you are so right on target about the suggestion that he just not go on field trips. Absolute laziness. My first thought was, "Oh, no you don''t!" I wasn''t particularly shocked, though. The principal piped up and made an alternate suggestion. I need to send him a thank you note for his support.

I don''t feel guilty for anything, I don''t think I did anything wrong or took any medication, etc. to cause any of this, so sometimes I''m really taken aback at my own defensiveness when it pops up. I was re-reading the report and a lot of positive things were on it, so I wonder why I''m so focused on the psychologist''s comments. She''s not even officed at the school, and who knows what kind of parents she''s used to meeting with? I''m not a believer in first impressions, so I''m going to give her the benefit of the doubt (but I''ll be watching her like a hawk, too). I did find out her name, and who the other woman was in the room with us, and the secretary is going to get a list of the names of all the people who were at the meeting for me.

Fancynancy: Sometime I would like to hear your story. I can relate to going out to the car and crying after the meeting. I didn''t do that after this meeting, but when my younger son was first on medication for his ADHD he had a total jerk/idiot/egomaniac for a psychiatrist. We had a very hard time getting his medication right until I went to a psychologist because I was so desperate. We got a referal to a different psychiatrist whom I trust very much. But I can''t tell you how many months after each appointment with the first one I went out to my car and cried on the way home. It definitely hardened me and made me realize just because a supposed "expert" has a plaque on the wall they aren''t necessarily always right.

Sharon: Thank you for your kind words, as well. I may need to find a psychologist to go with us to the meetings. There aren''t that many around here who work specifically with children, but I might be able to get the one who originally diagnosed my older son with Aspergers. I hope it doesn''t come down to that, and for now I don''t think it will since I have the support of the school staff, but I will definitely keep it open as an option if I ever feel it''s necessary. I never would have thought of that.

EVA17: Thank you for the book referral. I will go and get it. And you are SO right! There were 6 people at that meeting besides me!!! Thank goodness 3 of them were very much in my corner. If not, I can only imagine how intimidating it would be, and as I said earlier, I''m not that easily intimidated at this point. I would have been in that case. Thank you for the information and I WILL use it.

Ladies, I''m feeling so much better. I think I just needed to get it off my chest. There are times when I feel pretty isolated because my kids are so far on the high functioning end of the spectrum that I''m hesitent to disclose to other mothers at school, so I think they think we''re just slightly weird people and a lot of them give us a wide berth. I did disclose to one mom I thought was "safe" and now she''s not as friendly. THAT makes me sad. I mean, I''m really glad the boys are on the high functioning end, and I would never mean to imply I''m not, but since it''s not super obvious, some people probably just think we''re that sort of architypal weird family, LOL. It goes with the territory and I''m beginning to get used to it. That''s also a little sad, so I try not to dwell on it. Thank you for sharing with me and giving me some encouragement. It''s been a difficult school year, so your encouragement is so very much appreciated.

 

[Skippy123]

Lumpkin, I am sorry; here is a hug! The psychologist reminded me of the psychologist on Miracle on 34th Street; something must be wrong w/that woman!

Hang in there!

 

[FireGoddess]

I don''t have any kids lumpkin so I don''t have any experience but I really empathize with your situation and your frustration. You are the biggest advocate for your kids and they definitely need you behind them, so you stand firm. I''m sorry that these people seem somewhat incompetent, and some of them downright rude.

BIG hugs to you!!!!

 

[lumpkin]

Thanks, Skippy & FG. I really appreciate the hugs! I am so thankful that I can come here for support.

 

[Sabine]

lumpkin, I''m so sorry you are going through something so difficult! As a high school teacher, I unfortunately usually only see parents who have given up on their children''s education, and sometimes even don''t bother to show up to IEP meetings at all. It is uplifting to hear from so many parents who are taking their children''s education into their own hands, and I hope you do find a way to make sure your son''s best interests are being looked after. It sounds like you are incredibly involved, but I would suggest making sure that you help any future teachers get to know you and your son. I know at least at my level of ed., we get the IEP sheet. It has accomodations that I''m required by law to make, but usually no explination that would explain exactly what kind of help the kids need. Often the learning support teacher for my content area is not even familiar with the kid. I rarely meet the parents. I''d love to hear more about what each student has gone through in their education to have a better idea of what might work and what doesn''t.

 

[lumpkin]

Thanks, Sabine. I was appalled that the psychologist seemed to indicate that I was too involved somehow. I''m sure it''s easier for some of the administrators if the parents stay out of the way so they can get their paperwork done and check the kid off their to do list or something, but I know the actual school staff has told me how much they appreciate parental involvment. And gosh, he''s only in kindergarten. I don''t know how much encoragement I''ll get for being involved when he''s in high school, but I''ll bet the good teachers will want me to be in contact because ultimately, when the parents and teachers work together, everyone wins.

 

[ang3199]

Lumpkin: I''m a school psychologist and I''m really sorry, and a bit embarrassed, with how your district''s psychologist is treating you.

During our meetings I always make a point to sit beside the parents and talk to them, I am after all, working for their child. Personally, from what I get from your story the psychologist is just lazy. And instead of trialing and erroring some interventions with your son she would rather place the blame on you.

Remember, she is only one member of the team, and you like the principal and nurse. But if you feel your sons best interests are not the focus do everything in your power to get him what he needs. This is why I went into this field and situations and psychologists like this make me angry. You mentioned that the psychologist is not officed at the school. Is she an intermediate unit psychologist? If so, often times they are ''assigned'' to a school by the intermediate unit and are pretty much only in the schools to test and place and throw out the same crappy interventions and recommendations for each kid.

Oh, and your son has EVERY damn right to go on that field trip. Honestly, though. Get an advocate. School districts don''t particularly like them because they know the ropes and get done what needs to be done when the district would rather cut corners.

If you have any questions feel free to ask away. I''ll help as best I can. I know PA ed laws up and down but I''m not sure where you are from.

Also, your child sounds amazing. IMHO.

Best,
Ang

 

[ang3199]

Date: 12/3/2007 8:21:03 PM
Author: lumpkin
Thanks, Sabine. I was appalled that the psychologist seemed to indicate that I was too involved somehow. I''m sure it''s easier for some of the administrators if the parents stay out of the way so they can get their paperwork done and check the kid off their to do list or something, but I know the actual school staff has told me how much they appreciate parental involvment. And gosh, he''s only in kindergarten. I don''t know how much encoragement I''ll get for being involved when he''s in high school, but I''ll bet the good teachers will want me to be in contact because ultimately, when the parents and teachers work together, everyone wins.

OK, now I''m mad. Lumpkin. Screw her. screw her. One of my elementary schools is low SES and I would DIE to have parents dress their children in clean clothes let alone walk them to school. I''m so sorry you are being disrespected like this....

 

[lumpkin]

Thanks, Ang. It''s nice to hear from a school psychologist. I am so new to this process I really don''t know exactly what''s going on with this psychologist, but I know she''s from the district and is not at our school. I will find out.

I had to chuckle about the clean clothes. The kids'' clothes are clean, but often wrinkled, and they need haircuts. I''m glad she didn''t see them that day -- no telling what she would have thought. She did see me and I was wearing sweats -- I didn''t get to pick the date or time for the meeting and I was catching up on housework and laundry and didn''t want to waste an hour to change into my Barbara Billingsly attire. I doubt it would have made any difference.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

lumpkin, have you ever considered homeschooling? Truthfully, public school is like a factory. It works pretty well if the child fits the mold. But a child with sensory issues may genuinely suffer there. And kids who are highly gifted almost never have their needs met. These kinds of kids feel like they are the square peg in the round hole and are often unhappy. Many end up with anxiety caused by the situation. I''m saying this because I have been in special ed. for more than 20 years and have a child with LD''s. You can fight for a well-written IEP, but truthfully, that does not always mean a whole lot if the child is not happy. Another option might be a smaller private school with small classes.

 

[diamondfan]

Lumpkin, this is so tough. First, I hate those meetings because you feel a bit alone. I know you have people on your side, which is great, but still...it can be intimidating. You are your kid''s advocate, and you know what is best, ultimately, for him. Not go on field trips? A total crock. Yes, it might mean they have to make more of an effort, but too bad. You cannot deny a kid that based on disabilities, it is discriminatory and plain wrong. And it burns me up. My oldest son has tourettes and ocd and is brilliant, but struggles within himself. He is handsome and a great athlete and musician, but if one kid is mean to him he believes and feels terribly bad. He is in ninth grade and is a great student and member of the school community, and I am proud of him. But there were tough times, when we diagnosed him and had to find and adjust meds and deal with terrible clinicians, but I feel we are in a good place. He is in a private school and has never had an IEP, he manages well but it was a long hard road. I never knew what to tell and not tell to his teachers, figured let them get to know him and then see what was needed. But your guy is little, and he should not hate school this much. It must tear you apart. Hang in there, be strong and firm, and never let any expert intimidate you, you are the MOM and as such know so much about your little man. And bless those on the staff who are with you...you need them in your corner to deflect the jerks.

 

[lumpkin]

Diamondseeker, I agree to a large extent with what you say about public school being a factory. However, I can''t find a private school I''m comfortable with, let alone that we can afford. I honestly think he''s better off at our public school than he would be at home with me. I know my limitations, and I''m nowhere nearly organized nor prepared enough to educate him as his curriculum advances, and I know him well enough to know that if I let him be homeschooled now, school will only be harder for him to adjust to later on. Fortunately we have a very good elementary school, and if I can get him going I can update my skillset and get back to work. Then when middle school rolls around, hopefully we can afford a private school because our middle school sucks, to be frank. We have the best elementary school in the district, but one of the worst middle schools. Don''t get me started on that! Yikes! I really think he and my older son have a better chance if they stay in public school during the elementary years so I can update my skillset and find profitable employment or consulting work (but that''s a whole different thread).

 

[lumpkin]

Diamondfan, thanks for your continued support. You have given me great advice in the past, too. I remember our first discussion on doctors, diagnosis, etc., and feel like we really connected about that. Thanks for responding again. I remember your posting about your son's struggles socially and hope that as he gets further into high school that will ease. Middle school/junior high is such a difficult age for neurotypical kids, and it's much more complex for kids with any type of special needs. I hope he finds high school to be easier to navigate -- I did. By then the hormones have calmed down a little bit and everyone seems to get the hang of being more independent from their parents.

ETA: about his hating school bothering me. YES!! It does, a lot. He's just a little kid, and it's kindergarten for pity's sake. It's so much just being in a classroom with so many kids, 22, and then they share a common space with another kindergarten class with another 20+ kids. Kindergarten at this school is their weakest point, IMO. But he has a much, MUCH better teacher than my older one had, and by now the principal and I are well acquainted. I also kind of wonder if because he made such a huge fuss at the beginning of school that he has to save face now by letting me know just how horrible a place his school is. When I see him in library he's doing great. He does very well at the stations when I volunteer in his classroom and his teacher says he does pretty well except when he makes a mistake. But with so many kids, and the fact that it makes her life easier if he's doing well, I'm not sure she's as acutely aware of his challenges as he is, KWIM? I have seen meanness from other kids toward each other and towards him that she was not aware of until I told her about it. But then I don't know if I'm blowing it out of proportion because some of it doesn't seem to bother him at all, and some of it does. I just don't know, but I think it's very likely a combination of his need to save face and her need to have him be doing well along with his struglling somewhat here and there.

My little guy is not a genius or brilliant, I don't think. I think he's just extremely bright. I can supplement whatever the teachers are doing to upgrade his academics to whatever level he needs, and if he gets to a point where I can't do that, I'm sure we could afford (eventually) something like Sylvan Learning Center or something like that. He's soooooo artistic. He is a master at the Paint program and has well over a hundred and fifty pictures. Maybe he is brilliant! Oh, dear, that's a whole different set of challenges! I need to get a portfolio done for him and submit it. Maybe he could get a scholarship to a private school. Wouldn't that be something? I'm kind of afraid it might put pressure on him a little too soon, though. One of his problems is that he's perfectionistic and very easily embarrassed. Maybe we'll try that next year, but I'm definitely going to get his portfolio together and see where it leads, if anywhere.

Diamondseeker and Diamondfan, you kind of spurred that idea just now, so thank you again.

 

[Kaleigh]

lumpkin,
I offer you a big hug as well. I don't understand how you being an involved parent would ever be a bad thing. Most schools wish for parents like yourself. Keep at it, hang in there. Being the advocate that you are for your son is KEY. If that doesn't work hire a psychologist to come to these meetings with you, as Sharon suggested. This does make me sad, asking that your son be left out on Field trips, etc.... Is wrong, just against everything I believe in. Shame on them, really.

Lisa

 

[Eva17]

Lumpkin, I see you already have your diagnosis that your son is on the spectrum. You should fight to get him an aid. Our district will provide one if you have the proper diagnosis.

It helps to keep them organized and destress. The aid helps with the transitions of timing, new subject matter, getting the focus back on task without the frustration. Plus there is probably a social group that could help his comfort level. All of these build confidence, and create a more enjoyable day for the child. It absolutely does not make the child stand out. Especially in the early grade school levels. The children stand out more when they are stressed and unable to acclemate.

It is becoming a necessity for public schools to address the children on the spectrum, because there are more than in previous years and there is a better understanding than in previous years.

Maybe you can get one in place for 1st grade.

 

[diamondfan]

Lumpkin, when I say brilliant I just feel his is so smart and has so many good traits, and keep sso much going on and working. He is really starting off high school with a bang. All summer I was so panicked as I heard our school is very demanding in the high school and that many parents felt the middle school did not prepare them well for what was coming. I fully expected my son to flounder and struggle at first before hitting his stride. A lot of his friends are, to be honest. But, he went in, started off strong and has continued to thrive. His teachers all told me he has such good work habits and focus on his work and though ocd can be trying it does mean he attends to details that other kids might not. Of course that is good and bad. He too tends to be perfectionistic. It was MUCH worse when he was in first and second grade, he would erase til there were holes in the paper. And truthfully, as he has matured, he has learned to manage it better so I am not as aware of it, whereas as a little kid it was all out and about, harder for him to consciously control. Meds and very dedicated treatment, and backing off him for the things he cannot control, has all really helped. (I used to get frustrated so easily by some of his stuff, even though I knew he was not "doing it to be tough or doing it on purpose", but it still was trying for me. Once I sort of accepted it, he felt less stress about how he was thinking and feeling, and he knew he could say things to me without my getting uptight. It really took the pressure off of him, because he so wanted to be normal whatever that meant to him, and now he sees he is really doing well and that one cannot assume about anyone's else's situation). But, he made the varsity track team, writes for the school paper, is in the jazz band, joined student council and guides prospective new students around school...the amazing thing is he was never very good at time management and organization when he started middle school but it just seemed to hit last year. I do not assist him with work and he is so on top of it, I am a bit amazed actually. It all comes together, it really does, with maturity and hormonal balancing. Hang in there. I know a lot of kids who find school overwhelming. Even some of my adult friends do not like big groups and prefer to keep things more manageable, which is fine. I think what is soooo important in times like this is to know everyone is individual in how they cope and like things to be around them. And often times that sense and need really is formed in childhood and though it balances as we grow, it is always part of us. We need to help our kids, yes, and they need to know that sometimes they are in settings that are not totally to their liking. But, at the end of the day, many adults have their quirks or preferences and are just fine! I think it helps to be armed and supportive, and give our kids the best environment we can, but to also realize their differences will often balance out in the scheme of things. Before I had a child with any issues I sort of had this view of normal and not. Well, hello, it is a continuum, and we all have our traits and issues in this world. We hope to be as functional as we can in the community, and learn what works best for us and how to best keep that balance. And as a mom, we want to protect and nurture as best we can. However, we also need to leave some room for coping skills to emerge, since in life one cannot always have the environment in total control and it helps to help our kids get that concept while keeping them feeling safe in the big scheme. I just think he should be able to go anywhere any other kid in his class does. If that means they must be more on top of the details, so be it. That is what Title IX and mainstreaming are all about. You pay taxes and there are guidelines and procedures they must adhere to, it is not up to them to decide not to, as long as certain criteria is met. A lot of clinical types seem removed and cold, there are some wonderful clinicians but if you encounter a bad one you do not forget it easily, remember, they are not perfect, they err and misjudge and screw up like anyone else. So just stand strong, because you know him best, and if you have to push a bit, push. Parental involvement, support and concern should never be looked at negatively in mho...unless you are sabotaging your child, which is certainly not the case here! You rock, your son is very lucky to have you there for him.

 

[lumpkin]

Date: 12/4/2007 1:51:15 AM
Author: diamondfan
Lumpkin, when I say brilliant I just feel his is so smart and has so many good traits, and keep sso much going on and working. He is really starting off high school with a bang. All summer I was so panicked as I heard our school is very demanding in the high school and that many parents felt the middle school did not prepare them well for what was coming. I fully expected my son to flounder and struggle at first before hitting his stride. A lot of his friends are, to be honest. But, he went in, started off strong and has continued to thrive. His teachers all told me he has such good work habits and focus on his work and though ocd can be trying it does mean he attends to details that other kids might not. Of course that is good and bad. He too tends to be perfectionistic. It was MUCH worse when he was in first and second grade, he would erase til there were holes in the paper. And truthfully, as he has matured, he has learned to manage it better so I am not as aware of it, whereas as a little kid it was all out and about, harder for him to consciously control. Meds and very dedicated treatment, and backing off him for the things he cannot control, has all really helped. (I used to get frustrated so easily by some of his stuff, even though I knew he was not ''doing it to be tough or doing it on purpose'', but it still was trying for me. Once I sort of accepted it, he felt less stress about how he was thinking and feeling, and he knew he could say things to me without my getting uptight. It really took the pressure off of him, because he so wanted to be normal whatever that meant to him, and now he sees he is really doing well and that one cannot assume about anyone''s else''s situation). But, he made the varsity track team, writes for the school paper, is in the jazz band, joined student council and guides prospective new students around school...the amazing thing is he was never very good at time management and organization when he started middle school but it just seemed to hit last year. I do not assist him with work and he is so on top of it, I am a bit amazed actually. It all comes together, it really does, with maturity and hormonal balancing. Hang in there. I know a lot of kids who find school overwhelming. Even some of my adult friends do not like big groups and prefer to keep things more manageable, which is fine. I think what is soooo important in times like this is to know everyone is individual in how they cope and like things to be around them. And often times that sense and need really is formed in childhood and though it balances as we grow, it is always part of us. We need to help our kids, yes, and they need to know that sometimes they are in settings that are not totally to their liking. But, at the end of the day, many adults have their quirks or preferences and are just fine! I think it helps to be armed and supportive, and give our kids the best environment we can, but to also realize their differences will often balance out in the scheme of things. Before I had a child with any issues I sort of had this view of normal and not. Well, hello, it is a continuum, and we all have our traits and issues in this world. We hope to be as functional as we can in the community, and learn what works best for us and how to best keep that balance. And as a mom, we want to protect and nurture as best we can. However, we also need to leave some room for coping skills to emerge, since in life one cannot always have the environment in total control and it helps to help our kids get that concept while keeping them feeling safe in the big scheme. I just think he should be able to go anywhere any other kid in his class does. If that means they must be more on top of the details, so be it. That is what Title IX and mainstreaming are all about. You pay taxes and there are guidelines and procedures they must adhere to, it is not up to them to decide not to, as long as certain criteria is met. A lot of clinical types seem removed and cold, there are some wonderful clinicians but if you encounter a bad one you do not forget it easily, remember, they are not perfect, they err and misjudge and screw up like anyone else. So just stand strong, because you know him best, and if you have to push a bit, push. Parental involvement, support and concern should never be looked at negatively in mho...unless you are sabotaging your child, which is certainly not the case here! You rock, your son is very lucky to have you there for him.

I tried to highlight the portions of your post that really strike a cord, but honestly, your whole post does. You never know how well the kids will do if you don''t let them get in there and go for it. I don''t like big crowds and avoid them when I can, but sometimes you gotta go with the flow, and I think he needs to get in there and experience that. But I''m not about to throw him in and say, "sink or swim" -- I''m there to help. I think a lot of kids sink because they need more support than they are getting, and I aim to make sure he gets what he needs from his school and from us as parents. I''m always open to constructive advice from the schools, and in preschool his teacher helped me a lot. I really think the kids are most successful when parents and schools work together.

Today was much better, and all the positive support everyone here has given me really made a difference. Sometimes a mom just needs that, because generally speaking, no one comes up and says, "Wow. You are just doing such a great job!" We often have to get along thinking we''re doing okay if no one tells us we''re screwing it all up. Even though I believe the school psychologist was making wrong assumptions, it''s difficult as a mom to get that kind of feedback. Thanks again for the info, the shared experiences and validation. It was a welcome hand up.

BTW, he did not tell me how horrible school is today! I was kinda shocked. He has a 4th grade buddy they meet with on occassion in class and he was telling me all about that when he got in the car after school today. I''m going to work on asking him to tell me some positive things every day to foster a better attitude towards school.

 

[diamondfan]

I just think being a parent is such a scary process sometimes. You are given these blessed beings and they come assembled in various ways. Of course we can and do impact that, but a lot of it is genetic and wired in. My son has anxiety along with his other dx's and as I am a Olympic gold medalist in the sport, I felt guilt that I had passed on a severe worry gene. I think the issue is balance. Like you said, you do not toss your kid out there and say "Figure it out", but yet, we cannot overdo the support either. I have seen children of pals of mine head off to college and literally know next to nothing about making it, even in the safety of a dorm setting. Food shopping, throwing in some laundry...over their head. My good friend's oldest went to college last year down in the city. She STILL drives down, rendezvous with him around the corner from his apartment, takes his dirty laundry to take back home, and hands him his clean stuff all folded and hung up. But in secrecy, like a drug deal! He joined a frat that has a chef full time so he will have food and she wanted to send her housekeeper in a couple days a week to clean for him but wisely decided the roommate might think this a bit much. The kid is 19! And should be fairly able to manage at this point, were it not for her never letting him try some of the basics. We all tease her about it but we have also tried to tell her to back up even just a tiny bit.

You have a little one who is not having the most typical experience. You want him to succeed and learn via mistakes but you do not want him to be miserable and in trauma and this time, or ever. I think it is great that you are as concerned as you are. Many parents just assume the school will do the right thing and figure it all out, which is not always so. I am glad he had a better day. I did learn, from my son's psychiatrist, that often, since he knows mom is his biggest fan and support, he does say things to get me to react. Being someone who immediately wants to solve and fix and have answers to it all, it has been hard for me to just hear it and sort of nod and let it be "out there". A lot of times, he gets upset, verbalizes it, thinks about it, ponders different aspects, and comes to a very well thought out mature conclusion. I have learned to step back and let that process be mostly or all his own. Hard, but the maturity I have seen in the last year has made it worth it!

Another thought for you. Our K class gives us a copy of the daily schedule and our teacher said, ask specific things that generate conversation and not just yes and no answers. If you know it was art or book buddies came, you can have a dialogue that gets more in depth. Just asking "How was school?" (fine or not fine) or "What did you do today?" (Nothing or I don't remember) is not as beneficial. It works wonders in my car on the way home!

 

[Maisie]

Lumpkin, I can''t offer you any advice but I want you to know I am sending my love and support.

 

[surfgirl]

lumpkin, I''m so sorry you have to go through this and I can only imagine how it would feel to be made the "reason" for your son''s issues. The school psychologist seems like she has a problem herself and to be honest, how is it even possible for her to judge what your son needs if she herself hasn''t treated him or interacted with him in any meaningful manner? Can you request another psychologist? Can you get your school''s supportive teachers/principal to write their own recommendation for your son since they know him best?

As for the report, if it were me, I''d walk into the place where they type up that report, and I''d hand it to the typist, along with the corrections in RED, and ask to wait while she "corrected" the report. Make them do it in front of you so they cant play games. It''s totally annoying to have to waste time doing that but it sounds like a stupid game. Again, I''m sorry you have to deal with such people.

Sending you a big hug!

 

[lumpkin]

Diamondfan, thank you for the suggestion to ask specific questions regarding his day. It''s one of those tricks you forget to pull out of your hat, sometimes.

Maisy I always appreciate your kind words.

Surfgirl, it was actually the school nurse who typed up the report and I don''t think she is playing a game, I think it''s an honest mistake. She takes such good care of our kids. She pulled my olderst son''s first tooth for him. It was dangling by a thread and he wouldn''t let me touch it, but he let her. That just says it all as far as I''m concerned. I did take the report in with the error highlighted, but she was out sick yesterday. I will be at school again tomorrow morning so I plan to stop by and see if that correction has been made. It''s an important distinction and I need it gotten right. As far as the district psychologist? I am going to do a little research on her and see if anything comes up, but yes, I definitely thought it was weird for her to make judgements without having met either of us. I''m going to see how this plays out because the school staff is 100% on board, so I don''t want to make a big deal out of it unless I need to. We have two more schools to go through before the kids graduate from high school so I really want to pick my battles. On the other hand, I don''t want to understimate whatever control she has over IEPs and allocated resources.

Thanks again, everyone.