Wedding Disagreeing a lot

[zoebartlett]

I normally wouldn''t want to air our dirty laundry, so to speak, but this is bugging me. Lately, over the past week or so, my FI and I have been arguing over everything. It''s stupid, I know, and I realize I''m being petty over a few things, but it''s so hard to let certain things go. We have the same argument over and over again, and we''re both tired of it. We''re both super stubborn, which doesn''t help.

We''re getting married in 12 days, and I was so hoping that we wouldn''t be fighting so close to the wedding. I''ve definitely had "is this how the rest of my life will be?" moments, and I hate it.

Sorry for venting.

 

[purrfectpear]

Since this constant arguing is fairly recent and not systemic of your relationship in general, I think it''s just pre-wedding stress.

12 days from now this will all be in the past and you''ll be on your honeymoon

 

[iwannaprettyone]

Date: 6/30/2008 8:26:18 AM
Author:ZoeBartlett
I normally wouldn''t want to air our dirty laundry, so to speak, but this is bugging me. Lately, over the past week or so, my FI and I have been arguing over everything. It''s stupid, I know, and I realize I''m being petty over a few things, but it''s so hard to let certain things go. We have the same argument over and over again, and we''re both tired of it. We''re both super stubborn, which doesn''t help.

We''re getting married in 12 days, and I was so hoping that we wouldn''t be fighting so close to the wedding. I''ve definitely had ''is this how the rest of my life will be?'' moments, and I hate it.

Sorry for venting.

lol, FI and I had a talk last night as we have both been a little snappy. It''s just stress.

 

[Shoopy]

What are you guys arguing about?

Granted, I''m not planning a wedding right now but we have argued during times when we shouldn''t (right before holidays, vacations, birthdays, for example). Usually what we''ll do is that we''ll say I don''t want to argue anymore, I''m sorry for X (the other apologizes for X) and we move on.

I bet its because of the anxiety and excitement over the wedding. How about planning a non wedding related date. Maybe go to the movies or to a nice dinner where you don''t talk about the wedding. That can help ease some tension.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Just wanted to offer a little support--I feel like any argument right before the wedding can easily go into "Oh my lord, is this what I''m going to have to deal with FOREVER!" territory. Or heck, it doesn''t even have to be an argument, it can be any annoying behavior

With the level of stress you''re both under with the wedding being so close, it''s no wonder you are both a little sensitive/emotional/generally stressed out. I found that even right before the wedding I would take 1 or 2 days and not talk about anything wedding-related at all. So long as I had my detailed lists of what I needed to do (and he had his), that eased my mind a bit.

I hope you start feeling a little better, Zoe! I''m so excited for you!

 

[Sabine]

Oy, we''re in the same boat. One of our arguements even escalated to the "i don''t know if i want to do this anymore" level before we both took some time to calm down and focus on what was really wrong. For us, it''s easy to see that we are being snappy with each other due to the fact that we are both stressed. And although admitting that we were both stressed and both on edge helped, we weren''t happy because we don''t want to just accept that we were going to fight every time we feel stressed. The worst part for us is that we''ve been apart for the past 2.5 weeks and he won''t be back until Thursday, and we miss each other on top of everything. But we talked it out, and after just talking honestly we were in better moods and much more receptive to listening to what the other needed to help destress.

 

[doodle]

the other night, my FI and i were joking around, and i kept grabbing his hand, pulling his arm up, and tickling him (think the scene in dirty dancing when he tries to run his fingers down the length of her arm, and she keeps cracking up). somehow, this turned into an argument about how, if we were the characters in the movie in real life, i, and not he, would be patrick swayze. we almost NEVER argue, and all the sudden, a grown man is hollering, "NOOOO, I''M SWAYZE. YOU''RE IN THE CORNER, "BABY", AND I RESCUE YOU BECAUSE I''M SWAYZE!!!" GAWD, i hope it''s wedding stress because if THAT''S something else, we''re going to need lobotomies!

 

[Loves Vintage]

I think it''s totally normal and stress related. We went through the same thing too. Even though it''s easy to rationalize why it''s happening, I know it''s still very difficult when you''re going through it!!

The good news is that you''ll be married soon and this bickering will soon be a distant memory! So, I''d try not to worry about it so much, but I know that''s easier said than done too.

 

[sumbride]

We were definitely sniping at each other there towards the end of the engagement period, but it was stupid stuff and we knew it even while it was happening. I remember one fight in particular that made him crazy... we were in the car trying to decide where to go to dinner. Somehow we both leaned the wrong directions at the same time and he elbowed me in the eye. It was purely an accident, but it hurt like all heck. For the rest of the night I treated him like he''d punched me. We didn''t go to dinner. I was too mad. Seriously. Of course, this happened after a dance lesson, which was probably the only way we got through the 6 weeks prior to the wedding... we knew that no matter what else was going on, Wednesday nights were our time together and we spent an hour dancing and then went to dinner. Except for the night of the elbow!

You two will make it through this, just try to keep it light and realize the stress that BOTH of you are going through! It will be fine!

 

[gwendolyn]

Just wanted to offer some support, Zoe. I have been going through a lot of stress with grad school this year, and I know that sometimes it leaves my temper a lot shorter than usual. I hate it, and can feel it as it''s happening, and try to stop it, but I still end up getting snippy. Sometimes my stress and J''s stress overlap, and we bicker a bit about totally inconsequential things and (after the stress has passed) we can laugh at ourselves and say, "Good grief, what was wrong with us?!"

Getting married in 12 days is *SO* exciting!! Soon you will be married to your sweetheart and all the stress leading up to your wedding will be a distant memory.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 6/30/2008 9:35:53 AM
Author: doodle
the other night, my FI and i were joking around, and i kept grabbing his hand, pulling his arm up, and tickling him (think the scene in dirty dancing when he tries to run his fingers down the length of her arm, and she keeps cracking up). somehow, this turned into an argument about how, if we were the characters in the movie in real life, i, and not he, would be patrick swayze. we almost NEVER argue, and all the sudden, a grown man is hollering, ''NOOOO, I''M SWAYZE. YOU''RE IN THE CORNER, ''BABY'', AND I RESCUE YOU BECAUSE I''M SWAYZE!!!'' GAWD, i hope it''s wedding stress because if THAT''S something else, we''re going to need lobotomies!

Hahah! That''s a pretty amusing manifestation of wedding stress.

 

[zoebartlett]

Sorry to post and then disappear but I''ve been ast Kinko''s for the past couple of hours, redoing our program and getting it printed and copied. The good news is that they''re done, folded, and boxed up -- ready to go. Yay!

Thanks, everyone! I''m sure it''s just stress, but these things happen occasionally. We love each other fiercely, yet we can fight fiercely, too. Hopefully that makes sense. WIth both of us being stubborn, it doesn''t help. Have you heard Dr. Phil asking couples if they want to be right or if they want to be happy? Well, much, if not most of the time, I want to be right. I can hold a grudge very well. My FI can too, but he''s always the first one to back down and apologize. I''m still working on that.

Sabine, we''ve had many "I don''t know if I can do this anymore" moments lately. They''re not fun. Taking time apart to regroup helps somewhat. My FI just reminded me that even though we may not always be friends at times like these, we do still love each other and we just need to remember that.

As far as what we''ve been arguing over, like I said earlier, they''re petty things.

-- Which type of digital camera to buy and how much money to spend (we haven''t figured that out yet)
-- Cleaning: I want the house to be organized and thoroughly cleaned before we leave for the wedding, and my FI says that he "isn''t good at housework."

It took him all day and night to go through 3 boxes of his stuff. I''m much more efficient than he is, but that doesn''t mean I want to be the only one doing things around here. This is something we''ve fought about many, many times. He does help -- in his own way I suppose.

 

[choro72]

Ooo, let me add myself to support you too! This should be a fun time for both of you, and yet all conversations turn into a snapping contest. I hear it''s normal though.

I''m still in the beginning of planning, and we are fighting so much already. Actually, it''s more of me nagging at him, and he gets upset too. Yesterday when I was driving, his attitude of "you should learn to know these streets already" turned into me saying "You are trying to change who I am, and you think you are better than I am". Eesh.
I did hear that these petty arguments are normal. I hope so, because I''m beginning to wonder if we are actually compatible.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 6/30/2008 2:32:05 PM
Author: ZoeBartlett
As far as what we''ve been arguing over, like I said earlier, they''re petty things.

-- Which type of digital camera to buy and how much money to spend (we haven''t figured that out yet)

-- Cleaning: I want the house to be organized and thoroughly cleaned before we leave for the wedding, and my FI says that he ''isn''t good at housework.''

Oh this made me chuckle! We''ve been married almost 2 yrs now and this is exactly what we were arguing about over the weekend (well ... those two and which house painting bid was "better" & ways to cut heating costs this winter & the fact he wouldn''t pull over so I could check out a yard sale during a five hour drive back from a friend of *his*''s event)

Things do seem more heightened though as you approach the wedding day! Last chance for freedom!! RUN! RUN!!! j/k

Try to manage your perfectionistic tendencies & realize that those are about *you* ... and you''re stuck with YOU no matter who you marry, yanno?

ps -- And now I''m curious: what cameras have you narrowed it down to?

 

[musey]

Ohh yes, we have had this problem. It was about a month ago. I was overreacting to EVERY LITTLE THING (the same "this is how it''s gonna be forever?" thing), he was accusing me of overreacting, which made me angry because I didn''t like being pegged as the instigator... vicious circle!

It took us about a week and a half, quite honestly, to get over the ridiculousness. We ended up having a big discussion (fight? with ''inside voices''...) about how each of us felt about what was going on. And then we realized that it was all just mounting misinterpretations/overreactions that finally had to break. It''s been fine since then.

I sure hope, for our sake, that it''s normal

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Aww, I agree it sounds like stress! Y'all will be fine, just keep breathing deeply. This is a really exciting time, but sometimes that gets lost in all the stressful details! You'll work it out, just try to be patient with him and demand the same from him.

ETA: Glad to hear you got the programs done, that's awesome!!

 

[Harleigh]

Hi Zoe,

I am sorry and am here to show some support! We can't seem to agree on anything, either...

We have 22 days to go and I just moved in with my FI, and it's not nearly as rosy as I thought it might be! I am still not completely out of my house and that is weighing on me heavily. I also haven't done the formal reception invites yet because we still haven't been able to meet up with a caterer...keeping my fingers crossed that the one tomorrow night follows through with the tasting!!! This will determine our reception timeline, which I needed about 3 months ago! Again, FI says to just relax about it...that's because he's not doing anything to help!

I also have no programs done, and the coordinator for our dinner reception in Maui just informed me she's going on maternity leave on July 14th and that the chef will be in charge of everything that evening...BUT, he informed me he would be here in California at a race that day and that SHE would be taking care of everything! I swear I'm ready to kill somebody, and my FI just does not get it at all...he says not to worry about any of it, but he doesn't understand that we actually DO need to worry about it or it won't be done in time for the wedding! Aaghhh!

I did, however, survive 2 bridal showers the past two weekends, but now I'm spent. I think I'll go lay out by the pool for a little while and work on my tan while Fi is working overtime today...

Hang in there, hun...only a little bit further to go!

ETA: Ha ha...I just saw today is my one-year anniversary here on PS...glad I was able to get on and post!

 

[Rhea]

I don't recall arguing much right before the wedding but I think that our situation is very different from yours.

We do argue in times of stress. Right now we're trying to plan a holiday and the amount of petty arguing is to the point being ridiculous. Does it really matter if we leave on Saturday or Sunday? Who cares if we have a picnic on Wednesday or Thursday?

 

[bee*]

Date: 6/30/2008 8:37:41 AM
Author: purrfectpear
Since this constant arguing is fairly recent and not systemic of your relationship in general, I think it''s just pre-wedding stress.


12 days from now this will all be in the past and you''ll be on your honeymoon

I was thinking the same. It would be different if you were arguing constantly for the past few months but if it''s just the past couple of weeks I wouldn''t worry. As purrfectpear said, it''s probably just pre-wedding stress.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 6/30/2008 3:34:09 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 6/30/2008 2:32:05 PM
Author: ZoeBartlett
As far as what we''ve been arguing over, like I said earlier, they''re petty things.

-- Which type of digital camera to buy and how much money to spend (we haven''t figured that out yet)

-- Cleaning: I want the house to be organized and thoroughly cleaned before we leave for the wedding, and my FI says that he ''isn''t good at housework.''

Oh this made me chuckle! We''ve been married almost 2 yrs now and this is exactly what we were arguing about over the weekend (well ... those two and which house painting bid was ''better'' & ways to cut heating costs this winter & the fact he wouldn''t pull over so I could check out a yard sale during a five hour drive back from a friend of *his*''s event)

Things do seem more heightened though as you approach the wedding day! Last chance for freedom!! RUN! RUN!!! j/k

Try to manage your perfectionistic tendencies & realize that those are about *you* ... and you''re stuck with YOU no matter who you marry, yanno?

ps -- And now I''m curious: what cameras have you narrowed it down to?

Deco, the fight over the cameras got so funny after a while, but I was still mad because my FI wasn''t doing his research in a way that made sense to me. Yes, I''m kind of a control freak. He prefers to read the specs and not get bogged down in the well-written reviews. I''m the opposite. I rather read what someone has to say about a product rather than just read down a list of seemingly random numbers and letters.

I definitely have perfectionistic tendancies. Totally.

We have a whole bunch of cameras on our list. I''ve gone to so many sites, and it''s overwhelming. Do you really want our list? It''s long. Maybe I''ll start a thread over in Hangout.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 6/30/2008 9:35:53 AM
Author: doodle
the other night, my FI and i were joking around, and i kept grabbing his hand, pulling his arm up, and tickling him (think the scene in dirty dancing when he tries to run his fingers down the length of her arm, and she keeps cracking up). somehow, this turned into an argument about how, if we were the characters in the movie in real life, i, and not he, would be patrick swayze. we almost NEVER argue, and all the sudden, a grown man is hollering, ''NOOOO, I''M SWAYZE. YOU''RE IN THE CORNER, ''BABY'', AND I RESCUE YOU BECAUSE I''M SWAYZE!!!'' GAWD, i hope it''s wedding stress because if THAT''S something else, we''re going to need lobotomies!

This had me laughing out loud. It''s so funny when you realize what you''re actually fighting about, isn''t it? Thanks for the chuckle.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 6/30/2008 3:34:09 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 6/30/2008 2:32:05 PM
Author: ZoeBartlett
As far as what we''ve been arguing over, like I said earlier, they''re petty things.

-- Which type of digital camera to buy and how much money to spend (we haven''t figured that out yet)

-- Cleaning: I want the house to be organized and thoroughly cleaned before we leave for the wedding, and my FI says that he ''isn''t good at housework.''

Oh this made me chuckle! We''ve been married almost 2 yrs now and this is exactly what we were arguing about over the weekend (well ... those two and which house painting bid was ''better'' & ways to cut heating costs this winter & the fact he wouldn''t pull over so I could check out a yard sale during a five hour drive back from a friend of *his*''s event)

Things do seem more heightened though as you approach the wedding day! Last chance for freedom!! RUN! RUN!!! j/k

Try to manage your perfectionistic tendencies & realize that those are about *you* ... and you''re stuck with YOU no matter who you marry, yanno?

ps -- And now I''m curious: what cameras have you narrowed it down to?

Oh my lord, we had this argument this weekend as well and sometimes I think being married heightens it--if I have to clean up after him I''m more resentful of it now than I ever was when we were living together. I have definitely had moments where I think "Why do people get married when they are so happy independently?!" which is no fun. I''ve heard many couples who say that as soon as they were married the "I''m stuck with this forever" feeling goes away. But sometimes (ahem *points at head*) it doesn''t. The stress of the wedding definitely DOES NOT help, but if it''s something bigger (chores), you''ll have PLENTY of time to work it out, haha. We''ve been living together for 8 years and we STILL re-negotiate the chores sometimes.

Hang in there, Zoe! And congrats on completing the programs!!!

 

[Harriet]

Date: 6/30/2008 8:26:18 AM
Author:ZoeBartlett
I normally wouldn''t want to air our dirty laundry, so to speak, but this is bugging me. Lately, over the past week or so, my FI and I have been arguing over everything. It''s stupid, I know, and I realize I''m being petty over a few things, but it''s so hard to let certain things go. We have the same argument over and over again, and we''re both tired of it. We''re both super stubborn, which doesn''t help.

We''re getting married in 12 days, and I was so hoping that we wouldn''t be fighting so close to the wedding. I''ve definitely had ''is this how the rest of my life will be?'' moments, and I hate it.

Sorry for venting.

Sorry to hear this. Vent away!

 

[doodle]

Date: 6/30/2008 6:24:31 PM
Author: ZoeBartlett

Date: 6/30/2008 9:35:53 AM

Author: doodle

the other night, my FI and i were joking around, and i kept grabbing his hand, pulling his arm up, and tickling him (think the scene in dirty dancing when he tries to run his fingers down the length of her arm, and she keeps cracking up). somehow, this turned into an argument about how, if we were the characters in the movie in real life, i, and not he, would be patrick swayze. we almost NEVER argue, and all the sudden, a grown man is hollering, ''NOOOO, I''M SWAYZE. YOU''RE IN THE CORNER, ''BABY'', AND I RESCUE YOU BECAUSE I''M SWAYZE!!!'' GAWD, i hope it''s wedding stress because if THAT''S something else, we''re going to need lobotomies!

This had me laughing out loud. It''s so funny when you realize what you''re actually fighting about, isn''t it? Thanks for the chuckle.

glad i could amuse.

if you knew my FI, you''d laugh even harder--he''s one of those who is usually pretty serious, so hearing him getting feisty over something that stupid was (in hindsight) HILARIOUS. the next day, he came home from work, and i thought he was walking up to give me a hug...no. he grabs my hands, sticks my elbows out, and tells me "NO SPAGHETTI ARMS"...what to do with him!?

 

[zoebartlett]

Doodle, I''m still laughing at the things your FI has done.

Harriet, thank you! I''ve read your thread but I haven''t replied yet. I hope you''re feeling better about things.

 

[bensbride]

Date: 6/30/2008 9:35:53 AM
Author: doodle
the other night, my FI and i were joking around, and i kept grabbing his hand, pulling his arm up, and tickling him (think the scene in dirty dancing when he tries to run his fingers down the length of her arm, and she keeps cracking up). somehow, this turned into an argument about how, if we were the characters in the movie in real life, i, and not he, would be patrick swayze. we almost NEVER argue, and all the sudden, a grown man is hollering, ''NOOOO, I''M SWAYZE. YOU''RE IN THE CORNER, ''BABY'', AND I RESCUE YOU BECAUSE I''M SWAYZE!!!'' GAWD, i hope it''s wedding stress because if THAT''S something else, we''re going to need lobotomies!

That was sooo funny! I know its easy to look back and think "how ridiculous was that fight?" but in the moment, its real to you. The best thing is when you can both look back and laugh about it.