Dilemma - I don''''t want kids and he does

[celine]

Thanks for all the replies. Many of you mentioned that I must be very young. Well, I''m 24 this year. Anyway, we talked and he suggested a surrogacy pregnancy. He said that no matter what, we have to have our own biological child. We are both Chinese and he is really traditional. Now I am not even sure whether that is gonna be an option because that will cost a lot of money!! Just a quick note to pp, I wasn''t scared of the physical changes post pregnancy like what you had accused me of. I was and still am actually afraid that I might not recover from delivering a baby. After 24 years, my mother has still not recovered fully, and she was even confined to the wheelchair for almost a year after I was born. Soon after, my dad started having affairs. I often wonder whether I will end up the same way as her.

And mara was right. The recent surgery that I had definitely didn''t help things. The surgeon had told that there will be no complications whatsoever and here I am still unable to lift my arm straight.

Anyway, what are your opinions on surrogacy? I am not even sure of how much it costs or whether it is even available in my home country Malaysia.

Thank you again for all your support.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I don''t know the details of what happened to your mother and why her health was so compromised by your birth, but unless it was due to physical issues that you also have, then there is no reason to suppose that you will have the same problems.

Honestly, I really can''t believe you would rather pay a surrogate to carry your child and birth him or her than do so yourself *if* you are physically able. Have you really thought about what that means and what it entails? I am a little speechless. Part of me in thinking Troll because it is a little hard to imagine a couple thinking of getting married having a conversation about having kids that ended with such a "compromise".

 

[cara]

Surrogacy, like the elective c-section, is just not a given unless you have oodles of money. But where c-sections are a very common surgical procedure, surrogacy is exceedingly rare and comes with lots of legal, personal, practical, and emotional complications. I think its a really bad idea to bank on surrogacy as a method of having children without more serious conversations and research and possibly therapy.

Your FI is insistent on biological children, you are afraid of pregnancy complications, and then you wave this magic wand - surrogacy! - and pretend your problems are solved. Not solved yet, not by any means. What happens when you get married, he still wants bio-kids, you are still petrified, and you discover that a surrogate costs $100k and that legally doing the surrogacy will involve international travel and tons of hassle? (I don't actually know the surrogacy laws in Malaysia, I'm just speculating.) One of you will be more stubborn than the other and win this standoff, but it may cost your marriage. And if your husband wins, then you will have kids involved in the mess.

Lets go back to the raising kids thing. Forget about bearing them. Do you actually want to love and care for and raise them?

Second, if you love your FI, and for your own health, you should consider talking to a therapist about your fears. They are understandable but certainly outside of the usual range. A good therapist might help you process what happened to your mother and what's going on now with your surgery recovery in a way that leaves you with a healthy level of fears, not fears that cripple your enjoyment of life and leave you making big choices - no kids - in response to those fears.

 

[celine]

you are right. I have absolutely no idea what it means to have a surrogate to carry our baby. But I thought I''ll ask since he came up with this idea (and he doesnt know much about it either) and it has also been suggested by a few ladies in their responses to my queries.

 

[KimberlyH]

How much time have you spent really researching the process of pregnancy and labor? I think that would be a good place for you to start. Your fears sound like they stem from some antecdotal evidence, not facts. What happened to your mom sounds awful, but there''s no reason to believe the same thing will happen to you.

I know a woman who has been a surrogate twice, her motivation was purely financial. She still sees the child/family of the first surrogacy, she isn''t involved with the second. Both families wouldn''t have been able to have children without her assistance. There was also an interesting article in TNYT about a woman who opted to have a surrogate so as not to destroy her body. It was shocking, to say the least.

Fear is not a healthy reason to make choices. Yes, for some childbirth is difficult, scary, painful, but you are your own person and your pregnancy and labor experience will be unique to you. I think you should spend some time really thinking about what your reasons are for not wanting to give birth to a child, and if they''re logical then stand by them, but if they are irrational and fear-based you may want to spend some time reaximining and dealing with your fears rather than paying for a surrogate.

 

[zhuzhu]

Celine,

Do you have a gynecologist you see regularly? He or she is the best person to help you make a personalized decision on the issue of motherhood. Your doctor will know best what your physical condition is in relation to successful birthing. Also, local doctors must have knowledge on the details of surrogacy and its legal/financial implication in your country.

From reading the replies here, I imagine most of them have had a pretty normal, healthy body (or family history) when they gave birth; therefore their experience/perspectives may or may not be directly relevant to your case. However they (almost) all gave you very sound advise on how to deal with your EMOTIONAL fear. To plan for your future family, you should consult your own doctor to determine the physical risk in pregnancy, and use that knowledge to make a decision that is agreeable to both you and your FI.

Z.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

A few more thoughts:

Maybe talk to your friend who had the tearing issue after her baby was born in a couple of months or so, and ask her if it really was that bad, you know, after time for recovery.

It's wonderful that you and your fiance have discussed this issue, as many people do not and then end up in a world of conflict in marriage due to lack of discussion. So, kudos to you!

You said your fiance is adamant about having his "own," natural children. What happens if either you or he are not able to have biological children? It's not anything anyone ever thinks will happen to them, but sadly, it does sometimes. If that were the case, would his traditional background you speak of prevent him from being able to become or desire to be a father in any other way?

Regarding surrogacy: I'm not familiar with the laws of your area, and really I've not done any research on the topic of my own for the States, either. However, a dear friend of mine who wanted desperately to be a mother and had three rounds of IVF to no avail, began looking into surrogacy (this was well over ten years ago, so things may have changed), and in the state of Georgia, the surrogate is the LEGAL mother of the child at birth, and at such time as the birth, she has EVERY right to keep the child, even though the child she'd been carrying was not of her biological make up, at all. That was a rational fear (because it does happen when a surrogate becomes very attached to the child she's carrying at times, and likely more often than is really known or stated) for her, and one that she was not able to deal with. To her, having the loss of yet another child she was aching to hold was too much, and they opted not to go that route. She and her husband did some more research and soul-searching, and eventually became foster parents and then adopted two siblings, and while the road has been rocky (adopted at ages 8 and 11, but fostered at ages 6 and 9), she is very thankful for her kids, who've grown to be good adults. One just graduated high school this past spring, right after turning 18---she'd promised to find her "real" parents, but on graduation day gave her parents a card that simply read, "I don't need to find my real parents, I already know you both."

Regarding fear: I've always been afraid of childbirth, and afraid of not ever being able to carry a child. For me, that fear of actually growing a child within me and then birthing it is still a very real, and very valid fear. But the overwhelming desire to be a mother and nurture and help guide a person into a positive, kind, loving, and moral person (and also to score some wonderful memories and challenges along the way!!) absolutely overrides any fears of birthing. My mom was scared when she had to birth me, and my brother, as was my grandmothers and aunts and friends. It happens, and I think that in many ways, it just adds to the bond between a mother and her child (not to say that you can't have an awesome bond with your child without birthing him or her, not at all). I ache to have a baby, and yet, that fear of actual pushing it out creeps me out sometimes. I would try to evaluate yourself and see if you have that same passion and desire for a child... because without the passion, I don't think birthing would be anything ANY of us would look forward to or want to endure.

Anyway, just some thoughts I've had while reading through this thread. I encourage you to continue talking with your fiance (and your friends who've had babies!!) and get your feelings a little more ironed out---although they do waver with time---prior to marriage.

Good luck to you, and I hope your mom has recovered well from her birth experience!!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 7/3/2009 6:34:42 PM
Author: fisherofmengirly

Regarding fear: I''ve always been afraid of childbirth, and afraid of not ever being able to carry a child. For me, that fear of actually growing a child within me and then birthing it is still a very real, and very valid fear. But the overwhelming desire to be a mother and nurture and help guide a person into a positive, kind, loving, and moral person (and also to score some wonderful memories and challenges along the way!!) absolutely overrides any fears of birthing. My mom was scared when she had to birth me, and my brother, as was my grandmothers and aunts and friends. It happens, and I think that in many ways, it just adds to the bond between a mother and her child (not to say that you can''t have an awesome bond with your child without birthing him or her, not at all). I ache to have a baby, and yet, that fear of actual pushing it out creeps me out sometimes. I would try to evaluate yourself and see if you have that same passion and desire for a child... because without the passion, I don''t think birthing would be anything ANY of us would look forward to or want to endure.

Anyway, just some thoughts I''ve had while reading through this thread. I encourage you to continue talking with your fiance (and your friends who''ve had babies!!) and get your feelings a little more ironed out---although they do waver with time---prior to marriage.

Good luck to you, and I hope your mom has recovered well from her birth experience!!

I just want to add to this post and say that I was never afraid of childbirth until about a month before it was time for my son to be born. I was entirely OBSESSED with having a baby and it didn''t occur to me until later that a large baby was going to have to come out of there!!! Yikes! Then I freaked. But, also, by then I was so sick of being pregnant, I didn''t care.

So with that, I basically agree with Fisherofmengirly that unless there is passion about having a child, you will only fear the worst. Before the last month, my life revolved around the passion of the life in my tummy.

Others stated that you may find luck in a doctor agreeing to an elective c/s. My recommendation would be to interview various drs. before becoming pregnant so you have a better chance of finding one who will cater to your wishes!

 

[VRBeauty]

Celine, I'm sure you know that an on-line forum really isn't the best place to go for answers to serious questions like yours. We can give our ideas -- and I think you've gotten some very good advice here, given the information you provided -- but this is not a real conversation where how things are said conveys as much information as the words that are used, and there's a real back-and-forth discussion as more information is revealed. That's why I wholeheartedly second the advice so many here have given you: go TALK to doctors, nurses, midwives, and mothers so you can get a more well-rounded picture of what giving birth is all about. And above all I'd second Cara's suggestion that you discuss your fears with a trained therapist. There is every possibility that by doing these two things, you'll find yourself willing to consider having a baby with your husband-to-be. So little to lose, so much to gain!

But to be very honest with you, I also think it will be worth your while to see a therapist so you can explore whether you really want to have or raise children at all. You've said that you're willing to raise children as long as you don't have to give birth, but nothing that you've written says that you want to have children or that it's important to you to have children as part of your family. The title of our thread doesn't say "I'm scare to have a baby" or "I don't want to give birth," it says "I don't want kids and he does." By the way, I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with not wanting to have children. It is a problem if you and your husband aren't on the same page, however. If there's any possibility that what you're really dealing with is uncertainty about having babies and children and teenagers as part of your life, please explore that so you and your sweetie can talk honestly about the real issues.

Please forgive me if my keyboard analysis is all wrong. As I said up front, an anonymous internet forum really isn't a great place to deal with such serious personal issues.

 

[House Cat]

15 years after the birth of my first son, I''m busy with keeping my son on track with honors classes, finding colleges, teaching him how to be a good member of society, and showing him what it is to be a wonderful person. I really don''t care how he was born. I just care that he''s here.

 

[celine]

hey ladies, thanks for all your help. I don''t have a regular gynae, but I think I will definitely do a little more research and also follow up on my friend''s case. I haven''t talked to her since our last conversation where she told about her nightmarish birth experience! I must have sounded ridiculous to some of you ladies for even mentioning the surrogacy idea. I hope I did not offend anyone, and if I did, I''m sorry. I just wasn''t thinking straight. I think I definitely need to do something about my fears. And I have to admit that I didn''t really want kids at the beginning of our relationship, but after getting engaged, I realise that I do want children. But I got frightened by my friend''s experience that I started doubting whether I want kids that much. After listening to all your advices I guess I do owe it to my fiancé (whom I really love) to at least give it a try. Thanks again for all your words of encouragement.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 7/4/2009 1:49:10 PM
Author: celine
After listening to all your advices I guess I do owe it to my fiancé (whom I really love) to at least give it a try. Thanks again for all your words of encouragement.

What exactly do you mean by willing to "at least give it a try"? It''s not fair to children to have a mom who was just willing to try it but not committed to being a parent-so I hope that isn''t what you mean...

 

[celine]

Neatfreak,

I am sorry, but my English is not very good. Anyway, what I meant was that I want to go to seek counselling on my fears. I hope that I can figure out why Is it that I am so paranoid about childbirth when I am really excited to get married and start a family with my fiancé. I really do want to have a family, it was just the childbirth issue that is holding me back. And from the responses that I had gathered, I may not be able to get through this on my own without the help of doctors / therapists. And I agree with that. However, in my country very few people will actually go for counselling sessions with a professional (only people with serious mental issues) So that was what I meant when I said that I am willing to try. Thanks for clarifying that with me.

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 7/4/2009 6:12:02 PM
Author: celine
Neatfreak,

I am sorry, but my English is not very good. Anyway, what I meant was that I want to go to seek counselling on my fears. I hope that I can figure out why Is it that I am so paranoid about childbirth when I am really excited to get married and start a family with my fiancé. I really do want to have a family, it was just the childbirth issue that is holding me back. And from the responses that I had gathered, I may not be able to get through this on my own without the help of doctors / therapists. And I agree with that. However, in my country very few people will actually go for counselling sessions with a professional (only people with serious mental issues) So that was what I meant when I said that I am willing to try. Thanks for clarifying that with me.

Celine, I just wanted to wish you luck, and I think that it''s a really good idea to talk to an OB/GYN (dr. for women) who can address some of your concerns, as ZhuZhu mentioned. I think that it''s very rare for serious medical complications to occur for the mother in childbirth in this day and age (way more advanced than when your mom was having kids) and while giving birth isn''t a picnic, it''s really not as bad as some women make it sound. If you want to have a child, there are many ways for doctors to make it less painful and difficult than it was years ago. Good luck to you & your fiance!

 

[SparklyLibra]

Date: 7/1/2009 12:52:25 PM
Author: purrfectpear
If you just don''t want kiddos that''s fine. Perfectly OK and a sound decision.



However, if you are OK with kids (your statement about adoption) and are just afraid of the birth part (your statement about tearing and ''putting your body through that''), then yes, sorry, you are a coward. A great big screaming coward.


There, I said it, now no one else will have to do the dirty work.


Grow up, get over it, your body isn''t some precious ming vase that has to be kept in pristine condition. Better hope life doesn''t hand you any other nasty surprises as there are plenty out there

. I had a miserable birth and I got over it. Several million women a year go through this experience. If you''ve decided you just aren''t that brave, then just put a big C on your chest and give your boyfriend the good news.

PP, I luv your honesty

You just summed up what I would''ve taken paragraphs to say.

OP, if the *only* reason or *main* reason you don''t want to have kids is because of what will happen to your body, then.... Sheeesh, well PP just took the words straight out my mouf!

As it''s been said before, the bithing experience isn''t always a screaming, cow-bawling nightmare. Just ask Mr.Google if you don''t wanna take our word for it.

I can say this much: after 21 hours of labour, once I saw my baby boy birthpains were instantly forgotten. I made sure he had all his digits, and was in good health and all was well.

Besides, if you''re determined, you CAN get your pre-baby body back... Again, just ask Mr.Google if you don''t believe me.

 

[celine]

Zhuzhu and vespergirl, I didn''t know that you can seek consultation from an O&G for counselling on starting a family. Maybe it''s not a common practice here. But thanks for the idead Anyway, I really do not know why some people continue to think that my only reasons not to bear children is what it will do to my body figure / appearance. It is not what I had even thought about! It upsets me that people think that I am that shallow and vain.

Once again, thank you to everyone who had chimed in.

 

[SparklyLibra]

Date: 7/4/2009 6:43:35 PM
Author: celine
Zhuzhu and vespergirl, I didn''t know that you can seek consultation from an O&G for counselling on starting a family. Maybe it''s not a common practice here. But thanks for the idead Anyway, I really do not know why some people continue to think that my only reasons not to bear children is what it will do to my body figure / appearance. It is not what I had even thought about! It upsets me that people think that I am that shallow and vain.


Once again, thank you to everyone who had chimed in.

Celine,

I don''t think anyone said you were shallow or vain. Before you clarified, and based on what you said in your original post, those issues seemed to be major concerns for you. In fact, the tone was almost as if you were willing to adopt just to avoid the birthing experience....

So nobody thinks you''re vain, nobody said you were vain or shallow... It''s just the tone that you set initially and I can see why others including myself might have come away with that.....

Anyway, although it may not be custom where you are from to seek counselling for an issue like this, I think you might benefit to take a look into it. Marriage is to be entered into with a sober mind, and I think decisions as MAJOR as children need to be agreed upon before heading anywhere near the altar....

JMHO

 

[zhuzhu]

Celine,

You are right, you have clearly written that your worries over child birth are based on your personal, extended physical recovery time from your recent surgery, and from the family history ( how your mother was in a wheel chair after having given birth to you). It is very easy for people to misinterpret what is written online because we readers always incorporate our own experience into judging what is said. I myself made that error many times too.

Do not get upset over the incorrect interpretation of your writing as it is not really relevant to your question.

Coming from a similar Asian culture, I know how it will be more difficult to seek gynecological consult "before" you actually have a disease/problem or being married. I would suggest that you ask your family doctor for a referral. If that does not work, You will prob have more luck finding a good doctor with University medical centers. In addition to a gynecologist who will care for you, a family planning consular is who you need to see, not a psychiatrist (those who treat patients with mental disease). They are very different doctors and you need not to be afraid.

Involve your FI in the planing every step of the way. Men do not fully comprehend/appreciate what birthing means until they actually hear/read about it from medical professionals. You are courageous to speak up about your worries, and I believe you have what it takes to overcome the fear and get the best family planning going. God luck!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

It''s a first...but I agree with PP.

 

[qtiekiki]

Celine

I am Chinese. It''s probably a cultural thing. I never had a gyno visit until I was actually pregnant. My mom would have gone crazy if I went to see a gyno during my teenage years. It has to do with the fact that it''s a big cultural no-no for premarital sex, and I think a lot of Chinese moms/parents equate gyno visit with premarital sex. So I understand why you didn''t even considering going to a gyno or OB.

Your fear is understandable based on your past experiences with surgery and experiences of your mom and friend. So don''t feel bad. Like others had said, just do more research, talk to a gyno and/or OB and other moms. There''s even birth stories on the pregnancy thread that you can read. Also understand that even though your recovery from the recent surgery had not be ideal, your recovery from birthing might be different. And definitely talk to your friend again, maybe she exaggerates her experience a bit b/c she was going through the initial part of recovery.

Whatever you decide, I hope you can make an educated choice.

 

[celine]

Date: 7/5/2009 9:28:32 PM
Author: qtiekiki
Celine

I am Chinese. It''s probably a cultural thing. I never had a gyno visit until I was actually pregnant. My mom would have gone crazy if I went to see a gyno during my teenage years. It has to do with the fact that it''s a big cultural no-no for premarital sex, and I think a lot of Chinese moms/parents equate gyno visit with premarital sex. So I understand why you didn''t even considering going to a gyno or OB.

Your fear is understandable based on your past experiences with surgery and experiences of your mom and friend. So don''t feel bad. Like others had said, just do more research, talk to a gyno and/or OB and other moms. There''s even birth stories on the pregnancy thread that you can read. Also understand that even though your recovery from the recent surgery had not be ideal, your recovery from birthing might be different. And definitely talk to your friend again, maybe she exaggerates her experience a bit b/c she was going through the initial part of recovery.

Whatever you decide, I hope you can make an educated choice.

You are right! Both you and ZhuZhu... My mum will probably accuse me of being pregnant if i were to go to an OB now. Anyway, I don''t really have any other friends who have babies (almost all my friends arent married / have kids yet). But i will definitely read up more on pregnancy and childbirth. Any websites that you can recommend? (and not those containing horror stories! i can do without those for the time being!)

 

[swimmer]

Celine,
I am sorry that some responses to you were harsh, your original post probably had the authors picturing a young woman who wasn't very clear about anything other than her fear of childbirth. You have clarified your situation and I just wanted to send you support as it will indeed be challenging for you to get counseling and quite frankly, the birth experiences of the women who are typing to you from the US and other highly developed countries are going to be different from your neighbors' and family members' experiences. Malaysia of course has some incredibly advanced hospitals, but in the not to distant past and in the rural areas, excellent prenatal care and antenatal care was not the norm.

The reality is that in the USA, the maternal mortality ratio in 2005, that is the lifetime risk of maternal death, was 1 in 4,800. (according to Unicef) In Malaysia in 2007 it was 1 in 560. Still slim odds for death, and I am still looking for statistics on fistula, which is now unheard of in the US/UK/AUS/etc, but might still be present in rural Malaysia. This is not to scare Celine, but perhaps to remind some glib posters on here that there are women facing childbirth who have very different fears than if their favorite OB will be on duty when their time comes.

Celine, if you are 24, your mom gave birth to you when records were going out of date and tapes and boomboxes were popular. There were no CDs, microwaves were enormous and cost thousands, personal computers were only for the terribly wealthy and there was no internet. Technology has improved in all stages of healthcare as well. Can you talk to your mother about your fears? Ask her about her health history? You might learn something frightening or might be reassured that there were external factors involved. Your father made some poor decisions, can you talk to your FI about how you see better traits in him? It sounds like you have lots to discuss with many people who love you very deeply.

 

[princesss]

Hi Celine,

Thanks for clarifying. I''m terrified of childbirth, too. I think it''s one of those things that is hard to come to grips with when you''re not pregnant. One of my friends had a baby a few months ago, and hearing her talk about childbirth was actually kind of reassuring. Yeah, she had some tearing, but she was sitting there the day that she gave birth, calm, happy, and holding her baby like it was the most natural, easy thing in the world.

Try reading through the pregnant PSer thread. The women on there share their birth stories. Some have scary stories (avoid Pandora''s if you''re already scared!), but Robbie just had a really great birth. I read it and thought "Hey, I could do a natural childbirth, too!"

Also, is there any way your insurance would cover you going to see a doctor that has more Western patients? I know there are doctors in KL that have a lot of Aussie/American/British patients that would be more understanding of talking about how things work and making sure your body is doing all the right things. But I know they''re also more expensive, so I don''t know if that''s an option.

Childbirth is scary, no doubt. I don''t blame you for being nervous about it. I think it''s important to remember that billions of women have gone through it since time began, and if it was too damaging, we wouldn''t be having kids that way. Yes, there are risks, but I think talking to more women and hearing more positive birth stories could really help put your friend''s story into perspective.

 

[hlmr]

Date: 7/3/2009 11:57:05 AM
Author: purrfectpear

Date: 7/2/2009 10:49:38 PM
Author: hlmr
purrfectpear, how can you discount celine''s doubts and fears, when you stated in the horrible/hysterical pregnancy thread ''There''s a reason why my son is an only child.''?????

Celine, it is okay to be scared. Child birth is not easy, and it does change your body in many ways, but after you have your baby, it really isn''t that big of a deal anymore. We all mutter about certain body changes/issues, but they certainly will never trump having a child, if that is what you want.

Duh, I was joking. He''s an only child because he was a surprise. One was plenty. I''m not discounting ''doubts and fears''. I''m answering her question of ''am I a coward'' when she plainly stated that she was prepared to tell the man she loves that she would rather force him into adopting a child rather than ''risk tearing down there''

Maybe you don''t think that''s shallow, but I do.

Duh, I guess I should have known that.

The unknown is scary (i.e. childbirth), at least it is for most women. Have a little compassion.

 

[hlmr]

Date: 7/4/2009 8:27:47 PM
Author: SparklyLibra

Date: 7/4/2009 6:43:35 PM
Author: celine
Zhuzhu and vespergirl, I didn''t know that you can seek consultation from an O&G for counselling on starting a family. Maybe it''s not a common practice here. But thanks for the idead Anyway, I really do not know why some people continue to think that my only reasons not to bear children is what it will do to my body figure / appearance. It is not what I had even thought about! It upsets me that people think that I am that shallow and vain.


Once again, thank you to everyone who had chimed in.

Celine,

I don''t think anyone said you were shallow or vain. Before you clarified, and based on what you said in your original post, those issues seemed to be major concerns for you. In fact, the tone was almost as if you were willing to adopt just to avoid the birthing experience....

So nobody thinks you''re vain, nobody said you were vain or shallow... It''s just the tone that you set initially and I can see why others including myself might have come away with that.....

Anyway, although it may not be custom where you are from to seek counselling for an issue like this, I think you might benefit to take a look into it. Marriage is to be entered into with a sober mind, and I think decisions as MAJOR as children need to be agreed upon before heading anywhere near the altar....

JMHO

Actually, that is exactly what PP said, and Celine didn''t need that kind of judgement passed on her fear of childbirth.

 

[celine]

Thanks for the support! I did talk to my mum again , and she said that even though she had a traumatic birth experience, she says that it will be worth it in the end. I guess thats what everyone on here has been trying to tell me!

However, she couldnt offer any other advice besides that.

I have a colleague who is pregnant now, and she said that there are actually pre natal yoga classes that one can take to "smoothen" (sorry... i really have no idea on whether this is the right word???) the brith process. She doesnt sign up for 1 though, coz it is quite expensive. What do you ladies think about it? The more I think about childbirth, the less scary it sounds. Episiotomy sounds really scary tho. Is there anyway to prevent this? When I talked to that colleague of mine, she said that she is really scared, too, but believes that she can go through with it just fine. I wish I have that courage! She also said that not all women will have tearing issues, and even if they do, it will most likely heal in a few weeks time.. What I am wondering (and at the risk of sounding "shallow", but it''s more of a low tolerance of pain), how do you go to the bathroom if there is tearing??

I mean, even for my neck surgical wound, the doctor has applied a water proof bandage and it was kept there until it heals completely.

 

[qtiekiki]

I frequent babycenter.com and thebump.com. Babycenter has tons of info on pregnancy. On thebump, I am mostly on the forums/message boards for 6-12 months and 1st trimester. People ask questions and share experiences. They do have a message board for birth stories, but I haven't been there. I think it's a good idea to read both good and bad birth experiences, so you can be prepared but just know that most births are not traumatic or terrifying.

I had an episiotomy. I didn't want one b/c I had read that most tears are not as bad as an episiotomy. I talked to my OBGYN, and he said he would only do one if it's necessary. After DD crowned, he told me that I needed an episiotomy b/c I was not stretching enough for her to pass through and I would tear terribly. I had the epidural, so I didn't feel the nip. I did feel pressure when he was stitching it up. I only felt sore for a few days, no pain or anything. The hospital actually give you a peri-bottle that you fill with warm water to squirt on the cut. It's comfort and to help the healing, so it's not something you have to keep dry. They also give an ice pack to help with pain, swelling and soreness. They encourage you to pee as normal. The nurse actually check to make sure you pee. Feel free to ask if you have more questions.

Do you know how common episiotomy is performed in your country? I know they were or might still be considered overdone in US. But had gotten better in recent years due to moms being more educated on childbirth and more moms opting for natural births.

One thing about childbirth is that you can't plan how it will happen. So you can only read as much as you can and keep an open mind.

 

[celine]

Date: 7/7/2009 1:07:04 PM
Author: qtiekiki
I frequent babycenter.com and thebump.com. Babycenter has tons of info on pregnancy. On thebump, I am mostly on the forums/message boards for 6-12 months and 1st trimester. People ask questions and share experiences. They do have a message board for birth stories, but I haven''t been there. I think it''s a good idea to read both good and bad birth experiences, so you can be prepared but just know that most births are not traumatic or terrifying.

I had an episiotomy. I didn''t want one b/c I had read that most tears are not as bad as an episiotomy. I talked to my OBGYN, and he said he would only do one if it''s necessary. After DD crowned, he told me that I needed an episiotomy b/c I was not stretching enough for her to pass through and I would tear terribly. I had the epidural, so I didn''t feel the nip. I did feel pressure when he was stitching it up. I only felt sore for a few days, no pain or anything. The hospital actually give you a peri-bottle that you fill with warm water to squirt on the cut. It''s comfort and to help the healing, so it''s not something you have to keep dry. They also give an ice pack to help with pain, swelling and soreness. They encourage you to pee as normal. The nurse actually check to make sure you pee. Feel free to ask if you have more questions.

Do you know how common episiotomy is performed in your country? I know they were or might still be considered overdone in US. But had gotten better in recent years due to moms being more educated on childbirth and more moms opting for natural births.

One thing about childbirth is that you can''t plan how it will happen. So you can only read as much as you can and keep an open mind.

Oh, that''s comforting to know. I guess I belong to the school of thought where you must always keep a wound dry and let it scab over... LOL.

 

[AdiS]

Date: 7/6/2009 9:20:46 PM
Author: hlmr

Date: 7/4/2009 8:27:47 PM
Author: SparklyLibra



Celine,

I don''t think anyone said you were shallow or vain. Before you clarified, and based on what you said in your original post, those issues seemed to be major concerns for you. In fact, the tone was almost as if you were willing to adopt just to avoid the birthing experience....

So nobody thinks you''re vain, nobody said you were vain or shallow... It''s just the tone that you set initially and I can see why others including myself might have come away with that.....

Anyway, although it may not be custom where you are from to seek counselling for an issue like this, I think you might benefit to take a look into it. Marriage is to be entered into with a sober mind, and I think decisions as MAJOR as children need to be agreed upon before heading anywhere near the altar....

JMHO

Actually, that is exactly what PP said, and Celine didn''t need that kind of judgement passed on her fear of childbirth.

Ditto hlmr. Some of the posters were too harsh IMHO. Celine is obviously so shallow that she''s ready to consider her FI''s feelings despite her deep fears and even seek counselling. Shallow and vain indeed.

I just wanted to offer my support and wish you good luck, Celine.

 

[Pandora II]

Celine, my birth story is probably not one to read as Princess said, but 7 weeks on I only have vague memories of most of it and a gorgeous daughter here in my arms.

I think everyone is scared of labour - it''s a complete unknown and no-one knows how their body will react and what will happen. But in the vast majority of cases everything goes normally and safely. If things don''t go to plan, as in my case, doctors know how to deal with everything and there are medications that mean you don''t feel a thing. My mother and sister both give birth with zero drugs and in double quick time so everyone assumed I would have a pretty easy time when it came to labour - so you can''t base what your experience will be on how it was for your mother unless of course you both have some physical condition that would influence things.

I had an episiotomy and since I had an epidural in I couldn''t even tell you when it was done - nor could I feel them sewing me back up. At my hospital in the UK they only do them rarely and when there is a real danger of tearing or with an instrumental delivery (ie forceps). Here they do what is called ''medio-lateral'' so that there is no danger of having a tear that can damage other bits of you. It does hurt the first week - but they give you painkillers to deal with that. That area of your body is, as my OB friend says, very forgiving as it has such a large blood-supply so it all heals pretty quickly.

I''m 36 and so ''should'' find it harder to bounce back - but after 7 weeks I''m pretty much back to my pre-preggo weight, I''m wearing all my old clothes and honestly other than somewhat bigger boobs I look no different from before!

Finally - given a choice I would rather give birth several times over than re-live the first week of trying to breast-feed. Now that really is SCARY!

ETA: With surrogacy you would have to go through all kinds of medical procedures in order to collect the eggs. I''d much rather just do things the normal way if that option was available!