Home Differing Sex Drives...

[InLuv101]

Hey ladies (and gents)...

Just looking for some advice or something, lol.

I'm realizing that it's a huge misnomer that men want to have sex 23.5 hrs out of the day and women are always having to fend her man off (the typical bedroom scene from Everybody Loves Raymond). In my relationship, I want sex more than DH. His sex drive hasn't dropped off or anything, the difference has always been there so I did know this before marrying him. I don't doubt that he is attracted to me. He is always complimentary, I keep myself in shape and he is generally affectionate with me. But left up to him, once per week would be fine and 3-4 times is more my speed. Can anyone relate? How do you handle it? Sometimes I can't help but feel rejected or wonder what I can do to change it.

ETA: I'm 26 and he is 31 if anyone is wondering

 

[Dancing Fire]

does he like OYSTERS ?

 

[AmberWaves]

We''re both about the same age- I''m 29 and he turned 30 in February. In the first year or so of our relationship we were like animals, then it started slowing down. Now it''s pretty much infrequent, and for once I''m okay with that- I''m just not feeling 100% yet, so I pretty much let it go. Still, it was at the point before where I''d feel like something was wrong because I was always asking him for it, and trying to make myself over sexy, or try too hard, sometimes I''d even harass him (such a good wife). Pretty soon he told me he felt like I was pressuring him, and that it didn''t help matters, so I backed off. We moved out of our old dark apartment and into a new space, and he was like a new man. I also stopped the pressure and let things happen, and well, happen they did.

I don''t really have any advice, but I commiserate!

 

[InLuv101]

Date: 5/26/2009 12:20:41 PM
Author: Dancing Fire
does he like OYSTERS ?

Hahaha! How did I know DF was going to respond...and no, he is allergic to shellfish

 

[somethingshiny]

First off, men reach their sexual peaks YEARS before women. Men are usually around 18 and women peak at 30. So, there''s bound to be a few years that the woman has a higher sex drive (if they''re anywhere close in age.)

DH doesn''t have near the drive I do unless he''s off work. (one good thing about being laid off, I guess!) When he''s working, he''s really just too tired.

A couple of ideas for you:

1. Turn up the heat! Make yourself irresistable to him. Lingerie, candles, handcuffs, whatever your deal is.
2. Accept nooners and quickies happily. If he''s too tired for 2 hours of foreplay but thinks that''s all that''s acceptable, show him there''s other options.
3. Be romantic. Men DO like romance.
4. Plan ahead. It seems like it''d take the fun out of sex if you don''t have spontanaety, but if he knows it''s coming, he''ll think about it all day long and get him in the mood.
5. Try other places than the bedroom. He may miss the days of sneaking off in the car, he may have a thing about wanting to try the kitchen counter, he may think love-making by the river is the best. Springtime is here, so pack a picnic and look for a secluded spot.

Good luck.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

hehehe "nooners"

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 5/26/2009 12:45:39 PM
Author: somethingshiny
First off, men reach their sexual peaks YEARS before women. Men are usually around 18 and women peak at 30. So, there''s bound to be a few years that the woman has a higher sex drive (if they''re anywhere close in age.)

DH doesn''t have near the drive I do unless he''s off work. (one good thing about being laid off, I guess!) When he''s working, he''s really just too tired.

A couple of ideas for you:

1. Turn up the heat! Make yourself irresistable to him. Lingerie, candles, handcuffs, whatever your deal is.
2. Accept nooners and quickies happily. If he''s too tired for 2 hours of foreplay but thinks that''s all that''s acceptable, show him there''s other options.
3. Be romantic. Men DO like romance.
4. Plan ahead. It seems like it''d take the fun out of sex if you don''t have spontanaety, but if he knows it''s coming, he''ll think about it all day long and get him in the mood.
5. Try other places than the bedroom. He may miss the days of sneaking off in the car, he may have a thing about wanting to try the kitchen counter, he may think love-making by the river is the best. Springtime is here, so pack a picnic and look for a secluded spot.

Good luck.

Dr. Ruth i presume.

 

[musey]

I don''t have any advice as my husband and I are pretty much on the same page (which can come with its own set of problems, surprisingly enough)... but I hope you don''t mind if I add a related thought for people to ponder?

Do you think that in the case of differing drives, one partner adjusts to the other''s level after awhile, or that you meet in the middle? As opposed to continuing to have a discrepancy on that front? I feel like that happened to us, after about two years or so. I''m sure it varies from couple to couple, and depends a lot on where you each started out (HOW different you were). Just some pondering

 

[InLuv101]

Date: 5/26/2009 12:45:39 PM
Author: somethingshiny
First off, men reach their sexual peaks YEARS before women. Men are usually around 18 and women peak at 30. So, there''s bound to be a few years that the woman has a higher sex drive (if they''re anywhere close in age.)

DH doesn''t have near the drive I do unless he''s off work. (one good thing about being laid off, I guess!) When he''s working, he''s really just too tired.

A couple of ideas for you:

1. Turn up the heat! Make yourself irresistable to him. Lingerie, candles, handcuffs, whatever your deal is.
2. Accept nooners and quickies happily. If he''s too tired for 2 hours of foreplay but thinks that''s all that''s acceptable, show him there''s other options.
3. Be romantic. Men DO like romance.
4. Plan ahead. It seems like it''d take the fun out of sex if you don''t have spontanaety, but if he knows it''s coming, he''ll think about it all day long and get him in the mood.
5. Try other places than the bedroom. He may miss the days of sneaking off in the car, he may have a thing about wanting to try the kitchen counter, he may think love-making by the river is the best. Springtime is here, so pack a picnic and look for a secluded spot.

Good luck.

Thanks something shiny! I really appreciate you weighing in. Great tips...I will give ''em a try!

 

[somethingshiny]

DF~ Not Dr. Ruth, Dr. Ruthless maybe....

 

[Irishgrrrl]

InLuv, I feel your pain!!!

DH and I are both 30 (for now anyway ~ I''ll be 31 in five days), so maybe that''s our problem . . . he''s past his "peak" and I''m just getting there! LOL! He''s perfectly happy with once a week (sometimes even less!) and I''d be happier with about three times a week or so. Our relationship is great in all other respects, but I often wonder if he just doesn''t feel that way about me anymore.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 5/26/2009 10:43:59 PM
Author: Irishgrrrl
InLuv, I feel your pain!!!

DH and I are both 30 (for now anyway ~ I''ll be 31 in five days), so maybe that''s our problem . . . he''s past his ''peak'' and I''m just getting there! LOL! He''s perfectly happy with once a week (sometimes even less!) and I''d be happier with about three times a week or so. Our relationship is great in all other respects, but I often wonder if he just doesn''t feel that way about me anymore.

nahh...not at 30

 

[nytemist]

Keep in mind the men are very visual. Sure they like the romance and nice words and all that sometimes, but seeing what gets the motor running almost always works. My husband is known for always being tired (personally I think he has mild narcolepsy, sits still long enough anywhere and he can go to sleep) but if he sees me minus a few layers he is instantly awake and ready. I also have a higher drive than he does so I commonly interrupt his Netflix time, guitar playing time, tv, dinner making or whatever and attack him. He''s never complained about it or turned me down. I''m all about somethingshiny''s point of changing location or adding some spice- sometimes that''s all it takes. Dh isn''t as bold as I am so we haven''t ventured outside (yet) but have managed to break a hall table. Almost persuaded him in the car once, but he freaked out when a fire turck went by.

I say just jump on him. I''m crazy like that.

 

[InLuv101]

Date: 5/26/2009 10:43:59 PM
Author: Irishgrrrl
InLuv, I feel your pain!!!

DH and I are both 30 (for now anyway ~ I''ll be 31 in five days), so maybe that''s our problem . . . he''s past his ''peak'' and I''m just getting there! LOL! He''s perfectly happy with once a week (sometimes even less!) and I''d be happier with about three times a week or so. Our relationship is great in all other respects, but I often wonder if he just doesn''t feel that way about me anymore.

This is exactly how I feel Irishgrrrl. I am completely happy in all other areas. Most time I can deal with the difference in our sex drives but sometimes I get frustrated. Sorry you''re going through the same thing.

 

[InLuv101]

Date: 5/27/2009 9:18:41 AM
Author: nytemist
Keep in mind the men are very visual. Sure they like the romance and nice words and all that sometimes, but seeing what gets the motor running almost always works. My husband is known for always being tired (personally I think he has mild narcolepsy, sits still long enough anywhere and he can go to sleep) but if he sees me minus a few layers he is instantly awake and ready. I also have a higher drive than he does so I commonly interrupt his Netflix time, guitar playing time, tv, dinner making or whatever and attack him. He''s never complained about it or turned me down. I''m all about somethingshiny''s point of changing location or adding some spice- sometimes that''s all it takes. Dh isn''t as bold as I am so we haven''t ventured outside (yet) but have managed to break a hall table. Almost persuaded him in the car once, but he freaked out when a fire turck went by.

I say just jump on him. I''m crazy like that.

Lol, thanks for your input Nytemist. DH doesn''t turn me down if I jump on him either, I guess I''d really like him to initiate sometimes too. I''m always initiating and would like to feel desired sometimes, kwim?

 

[nytemist]

I totally get that; the mind starts to think ''hey why isn''t he approaching me...?'' We had a period of time like that so I bit the bullet and asked him. Seeming as my dh can be a little oblivious at times, it never occured to him that he wasn''t initiating enough. I asked to make sure that it wasn''t because I''m not thin or look a certain way. Nope. Usually when he isn''t initiating is when he thinks I''m upset with him and is not sure how long my upset phase will last. I told him trust me, you will know when I am upset with you. That has kind of cleared the air on the subject. Things have been kind of rough with us in the past 6 months, but when we''re in a good cycle, neither of us hesitate to make moves on the other.

 

[vespergirl]

Hey there, I just wanted to chime in & commiserate. My DH & I are like you & your DH, I have a higher sex drive than he does. However, I have noticed that it has tapered off as he has gotten older (I''m 32, he''s 37) so I wonder if his testosterone level is dropping as he nears 40. DH also gets up at 5 am every morning to go to work, so I know that by the time we go to bed at 10 pm every day he is exhausted. On the weekends he definitely has more energy, and less stress, so the weekends are usually our "funtime."

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Date: 5/27/2009 10:00:11 AM
Author: vespergirl
Hey there, I just wanted to chime in & commiserate. My DH & I are like you & your DH, I have a higher sex drive than he does. However, I have noticed that it has tapered off as he has gotten older (I''m 32, he''s 37) so I wonder if his testosterone level is dropping as he nears 40. DH also gets up at 5 am every morning to go to work, so I know that by the time we go to bed at 10 pm every day he is exhausted. On the weekends he definitely has more energy, and less stress, so the weekends are usually our ''funtime.''

Vesper, this is us exactly. I like to think (hope?) that if our schedules weren''t so demanding, things would be happening more than just once a week.

 

[InLuv101]

Date: 5/27/2009 10:17:29 AM
Author: Irishgrrrl

Date: 5/27/2009 10:00:11 AM
Author: vespergirl
Hey there, I just wanted to chime in & commiserate. My DH & I are like you & your DH, I have a higher sex drive than he does. However, I have noticed that it has tapered off as he has gotten older (I''m 32, he''s 37) so I wonder if his testosterone level is dropping as he nears 40. DH also gets up at 5 am every morning to go to work, so I know that by the time we go to bed at 10 pm every day he is exhausted. On the weekends he definitely has more energy, and less stress, so the weekends are usually our ''funtime.''

Vesper, this is us exactly. I like to think (hope?) that if our schedules weren''t so demanding, things would be happening more than just once a week.

True true. There is usually more ''funtime'' on the weekend. Maybe I''m asking too much...

 

[InLuv101]

Date: 5/27/2009 9:53:37 AM
Author: nytemist
I totally get that; the mind starts to think ''hey why isn''t he approaching me...?'' We had a period of time like that so I bit the bullet and asked him. Seeming as my dh can be a little oblivious at times, it never occured to him that he wasn''t initiating enough. I asked to make sure that it wasn''t because I''m not thin or look a certain way. Nope. Usually when he isn''t initiating is when he thinks I''m upset with him and is not sure how long my upset phase will last. I told him trust me, you will know when I am upset with you. That has kind of cleared the air on the subject. Things have been kind of rough with us in the past 6 months, but when we''re in a good cycle, neither of us hesitate to make moves on the other.

Sounds dumb, but I haven''t just asked why he doesn''t initiate more...I guess I should, lol. We have talked about the fact that there is a difference in our sex drives though. Before DH I''ve never had an issue with a SO not initiating or not being on the same page as far as sex drives go. I think I''ll ask him about initiating more tonight.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Inluv & IG....tell your DH "i need a double hitter"

 

[OUpearlgirl]

InLuv- I went through this with an ex boyfriend... Almost word for word your situation.. I got plenty of compliments and affection, but we only DTD once a week or so. It was SOOO frustrating and made me feel pretty bad about myself.

I can totally relate! This guy wouldn''t even talk about it with me and when we did it usually caused a fight. Have you two discussed it and maybe there is a way for you to meet in the middle?

 

[InLuv101]

Date: 5/27/2009 12:47:33 PM
Author: OUpeargirl
InLuv- I went through this with an ex boyfriend... Almost word for word your situation.. I got plenty of compliments and affection, but we only DTD once a week or so. It was SOOO frustrating and made me feel pretty bad about myself.

I can totally relate! This guy wouldn't even talk about it with me and when we did it usually caused a fight. Have you two discussed it and maybe there is a way for you to meet in the middle?

Thanks for weighing in. We have talked about the fact that there is a difference in our sex drives in terms of how often we want sex. He says alot of the time he is tired. I think he is just not a "sexual" person. I mean, I know we are all sexual beings, but I just don't think he gets those strong sexual urges. I have stated that I'd like more sex before and he would adjust for a bit but ultimately revert back to his normal.

 

[Steel]

Who doesn''t go through a dry spell from time to time?

Just hire a gardener

.

 

[InLuv101]

Date: 5/27/2009 2:49:57 PM
Author: Steel
Who doesn''t go through a dry spell from time to time?

Just hire a gardener

.

LMAO Steel!