did your relationship with your friends change after you got married?

[onvacation]

With the exception of one friend who got married around the same time to an a** that neither DH nor I are too fond of, we''re still good friends with everyone else. I guess if there is one difference, it''s that we don''t keep in touch with friends of the opposite gender as much as we used to.

 

[AdiS]

Date: 7/23/2009 5:57:33 PM
Author: omieluv
I am not married yet, but most of my friends are. I did not treat or behave any differently toward my friends after they got married, nor did they treat me negatively. However, my mother had a much different experience. Before she was married, she was part of a group of like 8 friends. They were definitely the party type and would go on vacations and hit bars/clubs on weekends. After my mom got married, they stopped calling her and did not include her when they got together, which really hurt my mother''s feelings. Sure, she would not be able to go out as much, but she still wanted to spend time with her friends seperate from my dad (he had his own friends too). Later, she got the feeling they were jealous because she was the first in the group to get married and they all thought my dad was very attractive.

Unfortunately my experience is very similar to your mom''s, omieluv.

I was 20 when I got engaged. I noticed that some of the people I used to hang out with (party type, as you put it

), deliberately made me feel isolated ever since I announced my engagement to them. They started insinuating or in some cases flat out stating, that I was now an "old married lady" who doesn''t belong with them anymore. Others just stated feeling uncomfortable around me, like they didn''t know me anymore. These people are now history.

Some of them stayed though. Like cammy said, the whole engagement/wedding planning proccess sifted our real friends out.

My best friend who I''ve known for 10 years and who was there for me the whole time. She was so mad at what was happening and how the others treated me, that she decided she didn''t want to see them anymore, either. She became my MOH. We try to see each other at least once-twice a month and we speak on the phone/text/email almost daily.

DH''s best friend, who is now my best male friend as well. We go out with him at least once a week. The two of them also go snowboarding, biking, or just hit the gym together on Saturdays. He was with us at our wedding, helping with the guests, the presents and all, even though he was so sick, they had to put him on antibiotics.

My baby brother who has suddenly become a grown up and is one of the most reliable people I know. He and his group of friends are always there if you feel like going out and partying but he is also there if you need someone to talk to or your car broke down and you need a lift home in the middle of the night.

I''m grateful we have these people in our lives. If a friend changes his/her attitude towards you because you got engaged/married/pregnant/got a new job, then he/she''s not a friend. Simple as that.

Gosh, this was long!

 

[trillionaire]

I wanted to add that before being engaged, it could be uncomfortable hanging out with married couples, even if they were close friends. There were always the questions about when we were getting engaged or married, every single time, and it reallly gets old. (we''re coming to our 6th anniversary of dating) Married people are always trying to convert people to their team. I''ve had more than a few married people ask me how long SO and I had been together, then when I told them the number of years, they looked at me like I was out of my mind, then proceeded to tell me how they married their wife/husband within a year because they were madly in love, and they just KNEW. Thus implying what about my relationship? Great, thanks.

Then, once you get married, everyone tries to convert you to team baby!

 

[CaliCushion]

My friends are my friends, regardless of our relationship status. I''m married now, but I dated my husband for 4 1/2 years before getting married. I don''t go out any less now than I did a year ago. I definetly go out less than before meeting my husband.

I have friends who are at all stages in life...married with kids, married, engaged, single.

Two of my close friends are single. They invite me out at night some of the time. I try to have a girls night with them occasionally. They understand that I don''t want to go to bars to meet men. Instead, we have made it our thing to exercise together. We try to get together every Saturday or Sunday for an 8 mile walk/jog to the beach and then brunch.

Of course it''s easier to be friends with people who at the same place in life as you, but someone is always going to move to the next step first. While the topic of conversation may change, close relationships may not. I''m not over hearing about my single friends, because i''m interested in them.

 

[cate]

My girlfriends have drifted away from me after I got engaged.

If I email them and ask what''s new, they send me very nice emails back, then I write back and say something about getting together, and it stops there.

Then a week goes by and I don''t hear from them, so I email another what''s new and the same thing happens again. I think if I never emailed them to say hi, they''d never contact me again.

Right now, all I have in my life is my fiance. I adore him, but I really would like to have a girlfriend or two.

 

[MagsyMay]

Date: 8/11/2009 7:28:28 AM
Author: trillionaire
I''ve had more than a few married people ask me how long SO and I had been together, then when I told them the number of years, they looked at me like I was out of my mind, then proceeded to tell me how they married their wife/husband within a year because they were madly in love, and they just KNEW. Thus implying what about my relationship? Great, thanks.

Then, once you get married, everyone tries to convert you to team baby!

I totally know what that''s like Trillionaire!

I''m not married yet, but most of my girlfriends from college are (with 1 or more children by now), and several of my high school girlfriends are. I DEFINITELY noticed after my friends got married that they distanced themselves from me and our other friends. Perhaps that was their personality to begin with, but it was very frustrating at first.

I mean, I''ve lived with my FI for over 3 years, and while I know it''s not marriage, I don''t see why it should be so drastically different once you''re legal. I still will want to hang out with my friends and socialize in groups once we''ve signed the piece of paper. I love my FI to death and of course we still like our special alone time, but I think making your entire social life about your FI/DH is usually a bad thing. We still need girlfriends and I wish most of my married friends felt the same desire for that balance.

Now once they''ve all had babies... well then they''re just gone for good. It''s very sad for FI and I because we do not want children and fear we''ll end up friendless very soon! I''ve tried finding Childfree meetup groups, but there don''t seem to be any in my area.

 

[MagsyMay]

Date: 10/1/2009 2:57:06 PM
Author: cate

Right now, all I have in my life is my fiance. I adore him, but I really would like to have a girlfriend or two.

Oh me too! We recently moved to a new state and I am not yet working. It is so lonely not having girlfriends (or even other couples) to hang out with! Luckily I "talk" often to my best friend on gchat and occasionally on the phone with another good friend. I can''t imagine how some women just abandon all their girlfriends upon becoming engaged or married.

 

[vespergirl]

Yes, but it was because my friends stopped inviting me out as much. I was got married & had a child in the same year, and even though they were in relationships, none of them were even engaged yet. They really stopped calling us once the baby came. I was like, hello, I have a babysitter. They would still invite me for the occasional girls brunch (that I would always go to - or initiate myself in order to see everyone) but there were less couple invitations for dinners out. Maybe they were just jealous that they all really wanted to be engaged, but weren''t yet, and I already had a family - I don''t know.

Now that all of them are married, and all but one couple have babies of their own, we see them a lot more. I think that life has different seasons, and sometimes people only want to hang out with people who are doing the same things that they are.

 

[MagsyMay]

Date: 10/1/2009 3:48:35 PM
Author: vespergirl
Yes, but it was because my friends stopped inviting me out as much. I was got married & had a child in the same year, and even though they were in relationships, none of them were even engaged yet. They really stopped calling us once the baby came. I was like, hello, I have a babysitter. They would still invite me for the occasional girls brunch (that I would always go to - or initiate myself in order to see everyone) but there were less couple invitations for dinners out. Maybe they were just jealous that they all really wanted to be engaged, but weren''t yet, and I already had a family - I don''t know.


Now that all of them are married, and all but one couple have babies of their own, we see them a lot more. I think that life has different seasons, and sometimes people only want to hang out with people who are doing the same things that they are.

I''m sorry that you experienced the "reverse" discrimination so to speak after having a baby! I think so many of us without children just assume that those with children must be so incredibly busy that we often wait for you to reach out first. I know I am guilty of this and think, oh well if I haven''t heard from her, that must mean she''s too busy to call, when very possibly that friend may be thinking the same thing. Thanks for reminding us that communication always is a two-way street!

 

[Pandora II]

Mine has - I got pregnant almost straight after our wedding and was totally wrecked and sick all the time. Then I ended up in a legal battle with my employer that has taken a year to settle and made me very seriously depressed for nearly 4 months - since my job is in politics, an area that encompasses almost mine and DH's entire circle of friends and the situation was politically sensitive I couldn't really see anyone even if I wanted to...

Since the baby arrived and I've felt better, I've made more of an effort and DH and I do just bring Daisy to everything, however now most of my girl friends are also pregnant and feeling sick as dogs and too tired to go out!

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Honestly? Not really. The biggest changes were law school and moving. Law school dominates most of my time, but I am making new friends there. I already spent most of my time outside of school with DH and the rest of my family. I still meet up with my friends for lunch or shopping or double dates, but that''s typically on weekends these days.

 

[KimberlyH]

My friends and I are as loving and supportive of one another as we have always been, no matter what is going on in our lives (some were married and had children before me, one is in a commited relationship and pregnant; I''ll actually be the last to have a baby as my girlfriend who is pregnant is due a few months before me). Things have changed, I moved away their time was taken up by their families, jobs, boyfriends, etc. before that, but when we get together things are like they have always been and I have always felt included in their lives.

It makes me sad that people have had bad experiences with friends abandoning them or making them feel like they must move in a certain direction (marriage/children) as I can''t fathom ever treating or being being treated like that by any of my friends. One more reason to count myself lucky.

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 8/11/2009 7:28:28 AM
Author: trillionaire
Then, once you get married, everyone tries to convert you to team baby!

Unless you have our friends. Most of our married/couple friends here don''t want kids at all. Now that we''re married, one asked us "So when are you guys having kids?" We said "Oh, not for at least 5-10 years ... as long as we can put it off."

Her response, "Great! That means we have a lot more time to hang out with you guys!" Lol