Deciding when to have kids is hard!

[peonygirl]

We got married four months ago, and now that we''re "official" the baby bug has hit hard! How did you decide when you were ready to have kids, especially when it seems like no time will be perfect? Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks!!

 

[E B]

For us, it was about completing specific goals we'd set for ourselves and as a couple. For example, it was *incredibly* important for me to be finished with college and married, with a stable job. For him, the same. We also decided on a certain amount of money we'd want to have in savings for emergencies that we called the "baby fund".

We've completed all but the last goal, but we can also save when I'm pregnant. And as of now, we're looking at TTC next month, though we're flexible.

 

[msb700]

hey peonygirl...like u said, no time is a perfect time but sometimes u just have to go with the follow and see how it goes...with us as soon as we got married the ''when will u have babies'' marathon started..we were so fed up with that question it was unbelievable!! but my husband and i made a deal, that though we''ve been together for years and years before we got married, we still first wanted to enjoy being a ''married'' couple and concentrate on us. we wanted to travel the world, go out to dinners and movies, have fun and spend $$ on ''us''...we decided that after 2 years of marriage we will then start trying for a baby....and that was it!! 2 years after marriage i went off the pill and we were blessed with the most amazing baby boy 6 months ago. we both couldn''t have been happier and believe that the time we gave for "US" really made the new addition to the family so much easier. we had our time and now it was our baby''s time (not that we dont do our own thing anymore, but most of our time is dedicated to him rather than ''us'' if u know wat i mean).

okay i think i blabbered enuf here..do what is best for u and what suits u and ur husband. for us, waiting 2 years was perfect for others it mite be too late or too soon..have u spoken to your husband about this?

 

[E B]

I also wanted to add that we discussed major trips and purchases as well, and decided there's nothing costly we want to buy or anywhere exotic we want to go in the foreseeable future. I've been so many places already, and DH isn't a big traveler. However, I think these things are important for a couple to discuss so there isn't any resentment ("I wish we'd gone to ______" or "I really wanted that ______") once the child comes.

(We DO have an East Coast trip scheduled for May-June, so if we're successful sometime this winter, I'd be in my 2nd trimester. From what I've heard, it's the most comfortable in terms of traveling.)

ETA: I completely agree with msb700! It's different for everyone.

 

[blushingbride]

Hi PG - we are also in a similar situation as you guys are. My DH and I got married over 2 months ago and are already itching to have a baby. It doesn''t help that my best friend just had a baby this past weekend and he is absolutely adorable! They are both very lucky. I am 30 and DH is 33 so, we don''t want to wait much longer.

I was thinking about starting a thread for women who are TTC or thinking of soon. It would focus on important topics such as insurance, health/nutrition, costs/financial and really just a support system so we can go through it together. Would that be something you ladies would be interested in?

 

[peonygirl]

Sure, another thread would be great! I should add that although we would looove to wait until we have a stable jobs and such, my husband has 1.5 yrs of med school left and at least 4 yrs of residency, plus I just made a career change (Master''s to MD). So that means almost 10 yrs of training before I have a stable job. Sooo that''s not gonna happen! We talk about the kid thing almost every day, and it''s excrutiating!

 

[snlee]

We started having a bad case of baby fever shortly after getting married too. I know there''s never a perfect time to have a baby but we wanted to wait until we have stable jobs, a good amount of savings, be homeowners, enjoy being a married couple, and travel a lot. I agree that it really is different for everyone though!

blushingbride, starting a TTC thread would be great! I was actually just thinking about starting one since we are officially TTC.

 

[Jas12]

Peonygirl--i think the fact that you guys talk about it everyday and are looking forward to it means that you are as ''ready'' as you can be--and that is great.
IMO being emotionally ready is more important than having the perfect job/house/bank account etc. -->b/c that may never happen!

I am preggo right now and DH and I discussed baby plans at length before the wedding and decided that we would go off of BC as of the actual wedding day. Right before the wedding I asked myself this: "if i get pregnant a month after the wedding, how will i feel"? For me, the thought brought joy and anticipation (mixed with a little natural fear of course). Turns out it was a good thing I did ask myself this b/c i got preggo immediately and feel blessed.

Like you mention, there is NO perfect time--and even if the time does seem perfect life can always throw something at you like a career change, illness, promotion, death in the family, unexpected expense etc. etc. so there is no sense waiting unless of course you want/need to.

i am sure your life will be more challenging with a baby and a hubby in school etc. but probably more rewarding and focused as well.

 

[somethingshiny]

Date: 10/29/2007 1:03:19 PM
Author: snlee
We started having a bad case of baby fever shortly after getting married too. I know there's never a perfect time to have a baby but we wanted to wait until we have stable jobs, a good amount of savings, be homeowners, enjoy being a married couple, and travel a lot. I agree that it really is different for everyone though!


blushingbride, starting a TTC thread would be great! I was actually just thinking about starting one since we are officially TTC.

there are several of us in the "dealing with infertility" thread that were also discussing a TTC thread. We all think it's a great idea there, too!

ETA- I've just messaged admin with request to make a permanent thread like the "LIW" for "TTC" As soon as I get some info, I'll start the thread.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I don''t think there is EVER a perfect time. There will never be enough money, you will never lose those last 5 lbs, there will always be vacations you want to take, etc...The only thing I think IS important is that both partners are on the same page. DH and I are both in our late 20s and have been together for 6.5 years. It was just time

 

[Blenheim]

The baby bug has also hit me hard.

Things that were factors into our decision of when to have kids:

1) We want more money in savings. Our saving is more depleted than we would like with all of the work that we''ve been doing on the house, so we want to save up again.

2) I want to be in a place in my career where I can take maternity leave without any problems.

3) We''d like for my husband to be done with his MBA before birth, so that he''s "only" working full-time (instead of doing both) and can be around more.

4) My health -- I have a bad back, and I want to work on getting it in better shape before carrying a child.

5) Already planned vacations that we want to go on.

Some of these have a particular time when they''ll be fulfilled (job, MBA, vacations), so we''re working on getting the other things (savings, health) done around that same time too.

 

[TravelingGal]

Nope, never the right time.

But if you think...well, maybe we could do this, then talk it over with each other. Then throw caution to the wind. Whatever happens, happens. Worked for us. A little too well, in fact.

And for the record, I wanted a house before we had this kid. I wanted more time just for us in our marriage. I wanted to take a few trips in the next year.

But apparently the darn baby wanted be conceived. It won.

 

[AmberGretchen]

OMG TG - I literally just LOLed sitting at my desk in the lab and got weird looks from my coworkers. Too funny

I think TG and Tacori are probably right, that there may never be a perfect time, but the other posters had good points that you should decide if there are concrete goals you want to achieve (and yours might be different given your academic/career situation).

My DH and I are actually unsure if we will ever have kids, so I can''t contribute personally, but I have to say I really admire all of you for thinking so rationally about it and trying to be prepared and make the right decisions

 

[Independent Gal]

Age is the dictating force with us as we''re both over 30 and want to minimize the risk of difficulties.

Especially in my line of work, the ''right time'' is when you''re about 40. Uhhhh... NO WAY! That is way too risky for us. So we decided to just do it, and the hell with it. Whatever happens with my career, we''ll deal with it.

I love EBree''s way of thinking about it, for younger couples. But we are well past college (and grad school). I own a home and have savings. And we plan to take our kids traveling with us...after all, they won''t otherwise ever see their grandparents who all live abroad! We also discussed leaving future kids with grandparents once in a while when they are old enough so we can have some time to travel alone.

In a nutshell: talk through the stuff EBree mentioned, and then if there''s no obvious reason why you really SHOULDN''T, just take a deep breath, and do it! (so to speak).

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 10/29/2007 4:04:16 PM
Author: TravelingGal

But apparently the darn baby wanted be conceived. It won.

It will always win

Baby is the boss. They let you know that before they are even born!

Blen, I don''t have a bad back but let me tell you, carrying around this 40 week belly is PAINFUL. I don''t blame you for wanting to strengthen your back. I also agree that waiting until schooling is finished (BA, MBA, MD, etc...) IS a good idea. My dad was in medical school (first year) when my sister was born (and my mom worked full time) and she just said she doesn''t regret it so maybe I am wrong. I guess it just depends how long you want to wait. For my mom, she didn''t.

 

[peonygirl]

Blenheim, may I ask what you''re doing about your back? I''ve had chronic back pain since 1st grade, and neither several rounds of physical therapy nor two surgical procedures have helped.

Tacori, the reason that I''m thinking during/slightly before med school is better is that I''ll only have to be away 20-25 hrs a week for my first 2 yrs vs. 80 hrs for residency. So it would be nice to spend more time at home when the kiddo is young. I could study at home--and although there will be a lot of that--most med schools are pass-fail so it wouldn''t be horrible (hopefully!).

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Funny my dad was a resident when I was born but obviously it is MUCH different for dad to be in med school than mom. Only YOU and your DH know what is right for you. Plently of people have children while in school. Sounds like for you that might be a good choice. Hopefully your DH is not also going to medical school so someone would have more time at home. We have friends who are both finishing their residency....there is NO way they could have a child (no matter what age). They barely have time to eat/sleep/shower....

 

[diamondfan]

Can only reiterate the comments as to there not necessarily ever being a perfect time. You can always stall or find things you want to do that having a baby would impede, but life does not end with having kids per se. You cannot just center your world on yourself and hubby, of course, but there are ways to deal with it all. I have friends who take their young twins on big trips, since they both work, they do not want to leave them alone to travel and they hope they will teach them young to love it, and to be able to handle it. Other people would not do that, but would just not go or would leave the kids with someone they trust. You can still be a couple, but now you have added something to the mix. Changes, for sure, different than before, but how could it not be? I knew I was ready when those issues did not make me too concerned. I knew it would all fall in to place somehow, and it did and does. I feel I still do compromise even though my kids are older, because they need me just as much in different ways, but I do not totally deny myself. I just make sure things are well covered and I pick and chose, as does my dh, about what trips we are going to take etc. It all really does work out right in the long run. This is an exciting time, but scary too, and if you accept that it makes it a bit easier...I think!

 

[monarch64]

Just to add: we''ve been married 4 years and still haven''t determined an actual "let''s start trying" date! It''s changed several times over the years, from me going off the pill early on, to let''s wait until we buy a house, to let''s wait until my dad is well, to let''s wait until we find a bigger, better house...etc. I think we just haven''t been "baby crazy" enough to really get down to business re. starting a family. It''s different for every couple, and we''re like a lot of other people, we figure when the time is right it will either just happen, or it will never happen. We are 30 and 37, so we''re definitely getting to a point where we need to start considering age, but we''re still in no major rush.

 

[baby monster]

I have a follow-up question (hope peonygirl doesn't mind

). Once you decide to have kids, would you think about the time of the year when you'd like to give birth or are you indifferent to it? I know there is only so much planning you can do, but would you shoot for a particular month? There are school year cut-offs, workload during the year, summer vacations. Anything else that you considered?

I know this is silly, but I think I get along best with people born in November, so even though I don't believe in horoscopes I think I would want my child to be a Scorpio.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Baby monster, for us it was important since we pay for our health insurance. We started TTC in jan BECAUSE that is when it went into effect. It is rather expensive so it was nice I got preggo right away. Also I love the idea of a fall baby since I am a summer baby therefore ALWAYS the youngest.

I know it doesn''t REALLY mattered and had it not been for the insurance factor who knows when we could have TTC. BUT I will warn you being in your 3rd trimester in August is very uncomfortable!!!!

 

[snlee]

Date: 10/30/2007 1:15:30 PM
Author: baby monster
I have a follow-up question (hope peonygirl doesn''t mind

). Once you decide to have kids, would you think about the time of the year when you''d like to give birth or are you indifferent to it? I know there is only so much planning you can do, but would you shoot for a particular month? There are school year cut-offs, workload during the year, summer vacations. Anything else that you considered?

My husband and I don''t want to have a baby in January or February (always the oldest) or November or December (always the youngest and December there''s the school year cut off). And I didn''t really want a summer baby. But when you start TTC, not trying a month or two because of timing seems silly....so we''ll see!

 

[lili]

Date: 10/30/2007 1:47:38 PM
Author: snlee

Date: 10/30/2007 1:15:30 PM
My husband and I don''t want to have a baby in January or February (always the oldest) or November or December (always the youngest and December there''s the school year cut off). And I didn''t really want a summer baby. But when you start TTC, not trying a month or two because of timing seems silly....so we''ll see!

That just leaves you with 5 months to work with

I hear you on the first and last months of the year. Your kid will either be a year older and younger than most his/her classmates.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 10/29/2007 12:42:57 AM
Author:peonygirl
We got married four months ago, and now that we''re ''official'' the baby bug has hit hard! How did you decide when you were ready to have kids, especially when it seems like no time will be perfect? Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks!!

When I found out I was pregnant.

Which was just past the 1 year anni.

 

[Blenheim]

I don''t think that we''re going to shoot for any particular birth month. It seems like some women get pregnant on their first cycle trying (or even while trying not to) and some women can take years, so I don''t think there''s even going to be much of a correlation between what month we start trying and what month I''d actually give birth.

Date: 10/29/2007 11:11:04 PM
Author: peonygirl
Blenheim, may I ask what you''re doing about your back? I''ve had chronic back pain since 1st grade, and neither several rounds of physical therapy nor two surgical procedures have helped.

I''m several rounds of physical therapy, a series of epidural blocks, and one back surgery later.

My short term plan is to continue with the physical therapy and generally work on core strength, plus find an orthopedist or neurosurgeon in this area who I can trust and who can give me advice. I have one of each who I love in the DC area, but have been having problems finding someone here. Doc #1 told me that I just need to lose weight (I''m 5''10" and a size 8, so I blew him off) and Doc #2 told me that surgery never helps anything and that I just need to learn to live with pain because I''ll be doing that for the rest of my life (ummm, ok, thanks for trying to help me). I''m currently trying to get a referral for a different doctor.

I''m also hoping that time will help, but I have no idea if that''s the case. It sounds like yours has been going on for so long... I''m sorry.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 10/30/2007 1:47:38 PM
Author: snlee

Date: 10/30/2007 1:15:30 PM

Author: baby monster

I have a follow-up question (hope peonygirl doesn''t mind

). Once you decide to have kids, would you think about the time of the year when you''d like to give birth or are you indifferent to it? I know there is only so much planning you can do, but would you shoot for a particular month? There are school year cut-offs, workload during the year, summer vacations. Anything else that you considered?

My husband and I don''t want to have a baby in January or February (always the oldest) or November or December (always the youngest and December there''s the school year cut off). And I didn''t really want a summer baby. But when you start TTC, not trying a month or two because of timing seems silly....so we''ll see!

I think the cut off here is Sept 1st. (or around labor day) So Sept/Oct are oldest, July/Aug are youngest. How strange that it is different where you live.

I do have to say being preggo makes me HOT it would have been nice in the winter. Summer was a killer.

 

[Blenheim]

Tacori, it varies by state. At least when I started school, Virginia''s cutoff was Aug/Sep and Maryland''s was Dec/Jan. My best friend and I were both November babies, but since I started school in VA and she started in MD, I was a full year older than her and in the same class.

 

[zoebartlett]

Deciding when to have kids IS hard...I totally agree. It''s funny, in one circle of friends (my teacher-friends), all we talk about is figuring out which month is the best to get the full advantage of school vacations/summer. It''s often SO planned out! You''d think that having a baby was something some of my friends *literally* put on their calendar. Other friends didn''t do it that way and just went with the "whenever it happens" way of thinking. I''ve also heard that there''s never a good time...and you''re never fully ready.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 10/31/2007 7:58:59 PM
Author: zoebartlett
Deciding when to have kids IS hard...I totally agree. It''s funny, in one circle of friends (my teacher-friends), all we talk about is figuring out which month is the best to get the full advantage of school vacations/summer. It''s often SO planned out! You''d think that having a baby was something some of my friends *literally* put on their calendar. Other friends didn''t do it that way and just went with the ''whenever it happens'' way of thinking. I''ve also heard that there''s never a good time...and you''re never fully ready.

There isn''t, and you''re not.


The good news is, you adjust rather quickly, and then can''t imagine life without them.

 

[dani13]

We both very much want children, but figuring we will probably wait about 1.5-2 yrs to start ttc. DH is in grad school for the next yr and a half, and we would also like to buy a larger home before we start a family....I am 29 and DH is 32, so we dont want to wait more than 2 yrs....