sockpuppetina
Rough_Rock
- Joined
- Jun 15, 2012
- Messages
- 4
Sorry to use a fake name. I just don't really want this to be connected to my username, which is no secret and easily traced to my identity. Some of you know who I am and will have heard these problems before. If so, please protect my identity as I know you will!
Although I don't usually post about my personal life on here, I am so frustrated and feel like you guys will be able to help, even if we've only talked about jewelry and such in the past.
I apologize for the length. I just need to get it all out! If anyone actually takes the time to read and respond, I will be SO grateful. Especially you ladies who have been married a while now and have a more mature perspective.
Here is the Too Long/Didn't Read version:
When we were first getting together, he privileged his ex-GF over me in pretty crappy ways. We've been together for year but I still remember it and feel the pain, jealousy, and anger as if it were yesterday. How to cope and move on??
Long version:
Anyway, Mr. Sockpuppetino and I have been talking about marriage lately. It's really fun! And I still haven't decided if I'm going to let him embark on the e-ring project without me... We are SO SO happy. So in love. Laugh all the time, great "connection" (if you know what I mean).. Everything is still there, just as it was when we first met nearly 4 years ago.
Here's the problem: I am still so jealous of his ex-girlfriend and angry about things that happened way back when. It interrupts my thoughts all the time. Mr. S has been VERY patient and loving, but I know he is frustrated and also wishes I were happier. To be clear, I am happy 98% of the time, but the 2% of time when I think about all of this, I feel miserable.
Here is what happened: When I met Mr. S, we were coworkers. Plus, We had both ended a relationship in the last two years. We were not looking for anything serious, especially not with a coworker! Nevertheless, we spent all our time together, had a million jokes, and one thing led to another. (I feel so old and so ladylike compared to those days! I guess 4 years is a long time!) We would have called it a best-friends-with-benefits situation, even though everyone else around us called it a relationship. This lasted for about 6 months.
Like I said, we've both ended relationships in the last year. The main difference was, I was on decent terms with my ex, but we were not friends. I usually think it is healthier that way. Mr. S, on the other hand, was "best friends" with his ex-gf. Their relationship had had many problems-- she cheated on him, lots of other drama-- but they had known each other since freshman year of college and thought that by ending the "romantic" part of the relationship, that would put all the prior drama to bed and they would begin a lifelong friendship. He said that she's treated him badly in the relationship, but that it didn't matter because he honestly thought that in 30 years, they would still be good friends, with other people, and that it would be "funny" that they'd ever dated. It was also easy to feel warmly toward each other because she moved across the country to go to law school. So, when I met him, the ex (let's call her Miss. X) was much an important-- albeit long distance-- part of Mr. S's life. He had pictures of her up in his bedroom, they went on vacations together... She was also a very demonstrative person (territorial, I think now) and so would write him lovey-dovey things on Facebook and post a ton of we-are-having-the-best-time-ever pictures whenever they saw each other.
When we first started getting "involved," I really honestly did not care or feel jealousy toward Miss. X. I said things to Mr. S like, "You need to take those pictures down and tell her to chill out on facebook or you'll never get a new girlfriend." He told me that although there had been some romantic interaction when they first broke up, he REALLY was no longer interested in her in that way, even though he loved her very much as a person. He said that she was dated someone and they'd all hung out and he wasn't jealous at all. He said that he was focused on career at that point and didn't want a relationship, and if he did, he might consider making changes, but that he hoped anyone he dated would understand that it was possible to friends with exes. I was also VERY stressed with work, which is part of why I didn't want a relationship, so I just shrugged my shoulders.
Anyway, as time went on, he and I became closer and our relationship became more intense. I still did not feel threatened by Miss. X because I believed him about his feeling toward her. It did bother me a bit that he didn't care about appearances-- some people assumed that HE was pining after HER and that she had him wrapped around her little finger because she was dating more people and he didn't seem to mind her possessive facebook behavior.
I guess he had been telling her about me, and as we got closer, she began to freak out when she next came to town. First (I would later learn) she tried really aggressively to sleep with him, which had not happened in a year at that point, though he sort of went for it, it wound up just being very awkward and didn't really work out. The next day, she cried about how he was "trying to replace her" with me and that she felt so betrayed by him. He felt extremely guilty for (sort of) hooking up with her even though he had no intention of getting back together with her. He said was worried about her mental health state. We were not "in a relationship,' but neither of us had been sleeping with anyone else at that point, and we said we would tell each other if we did. At first, he was not honest with me about it... but then he did tell me.
Then, the next day, they were supposed to go to a party to which I had also been invited (even though it was being held by more their friends) and he actually asked me not to go because she said it would make her uncomfortable.
Now, I know I should have written him off right there--- or should I? I mean, we have been in a happy, love relationship for years now!-- but I couldn't resist... so, after she left town, things got back to usual between us.
The next time she came to town, a few weeks later, she tried to pull the same thing, and this time he told her that he wasn't going to ask me not to come because the party was more people from our work. At the party, he tired to introduce her to me (we'd never met) and she LITERALLY TURNED UP HER NOSE and walked away. I could not believe it. At first, he didn't apologize to me or bring it up. Again, I should have written him off, but I didn't... He later said that he was embarrassed and didn't think it would hurt my feelings, just that I'd think he was idiot. I admit I did do a good job of hiding my feelings back then.
Unbeknownst to me, her rude behavior toward me led to a huge fight between them. I guess also, in between that time, she'd begun acting more and more possessive and inappropriate, even though she had another boyfriend at that point, and he was getting pretty sick of it. He told her didn't want to speak with her for some time.
Not long after, I told him that things had progressed to the point where I couldn't keep up with "not relationship" thing anymore, and that if he wanted romantic contact with me, he'd have to commit... It was then that he told me everything about what had happened with Miss. X and also that they were not speaking at all at that point. We decide to "make it official" and things were good.
When she contacted him a few months, she was very like, "Well, I guess I've taken the time I need. I know we both have a lot of apologize for, but I'm ready to extend the olive branch because you are so important to me." I am not kidding. She literally said that. He wrote back that he was still pretty angry with her and that he was happily committed to me now and that if she needed to accept that if she wanted to be friends again. She wrote, "I don't think that will ever happen. I can't believe you are choosing some temporary girl over me." He didn't write back, and that was that...
Periodically, over the next few years, she's contacted him in different ways-- sometime to apologize, sometimes to chew him out for really imaginary offenses, sometimes through other people, sometimes with made up excuses. He doesn't usually write back, and if he does, it's very short, polite, and firm. She even visited town, and when he didn't write back about getting together, she wrote him another e-mail saying that he'd ruined her vacation! Seriously, I have come to realize that this girl is a piece of work, and he has too.
He says he never thinks about her at all. We live together, and talking marriage, having a great time... and she is the farthest thing from his mind. But I think about her all the time-- how rude she was to me, how callous and dishonest he was, how her pictures were on his wall, how devoted he was to her, how (even if superficially and temporarily) he seemed to have chosen her over me, how I had to push for a commitment, how I should have walked away a million times.
Since then, he has been totally honest, faithful, patient, amazing. For YEARS.
How can I stop thinking about this before it ruins the best relationship I've ever had?
Although I don't usually post about my personal life on here, I am so frustrated and feel like you guys will be able to help, even if we've only talked about jewelry and such in the past.
I apologize for the length. I just need to get it all out! If anyone actually takes the time to read and respond, I will be SO grateful. Especially you ladies who have been married a while now and have a more mature perspective.
Here is the Too Long/Didn't Read version:
When we were first getting together, he privileged his ex-GF over me in pretty crappy ways. We've been together for year but I still remember it and feel the pain, jealousy, and anger as if it were yesterday. How to cope and move on??
Long version:
Anyway, Mr. Sockpuppetino and I have been talking about marriage lately. It's really fun! And I still haven't decided if I'm going to let him embark on the e-ring project without me... We are SO SO happy. So in love. Laugh all the time, great "connection" (if you know what I mean).. Everything is still there, just as it was when we first met nearly 4 years ago.
Here's the problem: I am still so jealous of his ex-girlfriend and angry about things that happened way back when. It interrupts my thoughts all the time. Mr. S has been VERY patient and loving, but I know he is frustrated and also wishes I were happier. To be clear, I am happy 98% of the time, but the 2% of time when I think about all of this, I feel miserable.
Here is what happened: When I met Mr. S, we were coworkers. Plus, We had both ended a relationship in the last two years. We were not looking for anything serious, especially not with a coworker! Nevertheless, we spent all our time together, had a million jokes, and one thing led to another. (I feel so old and so ladylike compared to those days! I guess 4 years is a long time!) We would have called it a best-friends-with-benefits situation, even though everyone else around us called it a relationship. This lasted for about 6 months.
Like I said, we've both ended relationships in the last year. The main difference was, I was on decent terms with my ex, but we were not friends. I usually think it is healthier that way. Mr. S, on the other hand, was "best friends" with his ex-gf. Their relationship had had many problems-- she cheated on him, lots of other drama-- but they had known each other since freshman year of college and thought that by ending the "romantic" part of the relationship, that would put all the prior drama to bed and they would begin a lifelong friendship. He said that she's treated him badly in the relationship, but that it didn't matter because he honestly thought that in 30 years, they would still be good friends, with other people, and that it would be "funny" that they'd ever dated. It was also easy to feel warmly toward each other because she moved across the country to go to law school. So, when I met him, the ex (let's call her Miss. X) was much an important-- albeit long distance-- part of Mr. S's life. He had pictures of her up in his bedroom, they went on vacations together... She was also a very demonstrative person (territorial, I think now) and so would write him lovey-dovey things on Facebook and post a ton of we-are-having-the-best-time-ever pictures whenever they saw each other.
When we first started getting "involved," I really honestly did not care or feel jealousy toward Miss. X. I said things to Mr. S like, "You need to take those pictures down and tell her to chill out on facebook or you'll never get a new girlfriend." He told me that although there had been some romantic interaction when they first broke up, he REALLY was no longer interested in her in that way, even though he loved her very much as a person. He said that she was dated someone and they'd all hung out and he wasn't jealous at all. He said that he was focused on career at that point and didn't want a relationship, and if he did, he might consider making changes, but that he hoped anyone he dated would understand that it was possible to friends with exes. I was also VERY stressed with work, which is part of why I didn't want a relationship, so I just shrugged my shoulders.
Anyway, as time went on, he and I became closer and our relationship became more intense. I still did not feel threatened by Miss. X because I believed him about his feeling toward her. It did bother me a bit that he didn't care about appearances-- some people assumed that HE was pining after HER and that she had him wrapped around her little finger because she was dating more people and he didn't seem to mind her possessive facebook behavior.
I guess he had been telling her about me, and as we got closer, she began to freak out when she next came to town. First (I would later learn) she tried really aggressively to sleep with him, which had not happened in a year at that point, though he sort of went for it, it wound up just being very awkward and didn't really work out. The next day, she cried about how he was "trying to replace her" with me and that she felt so betrayed by him. He felt extremely guilty for (sort of) hooking up with her even though he had no intention of getting back together with her. He said was worried about her mental health state. We were not "in a relationship,' but neither of us had been sleeping with anyone else at that point, and we said we would tell each other if we did. At first, he was not honest with me about it... but then he did tell me.
Then, the next day, they were supposed to go to a party to which I had also been invited (even though it was being held by more their friends) and he actually asked me not to go because she said it would make her uncomfortable.
Now, I know I should have written him off right there--- or should I? I mean, we have been in a happy, love relationship for years now!-- but I couldn't resist... so, after she left town, things got back to usual between us.
The next time she came to town, a few weeks later, she tried to pull the same thing, and this time he told her that he wasn't going to ask me not to come because the party was more people from our work. At the party, he tired to introduce her to me (we'd never met) and she LITERALLY TURNED UP HER NOSE and walked away. I could not believe it. At first, he didn't apologize to me or bring it up. Again, I should have written him off, but I didn't... He later said that he was embarrassed and didn't think it would hurt my feelings, just that I'd think he was idiot. I admit I did do a good job of hiding my feelings back then.
Unbeknownst to me, her rude behavior toward me led to a huge fight between them. I guess also, in between that time, she'd begun acting more and more possessive and inappropriate, even though she had another boyfriend at that point, and he was getting pretty sick of it. He told her didn't want to speak with her for some time.
Not long after, I told him that things had progressed to the point where I couldn't keep up with "not relationship" thing anymore, and that if he wanted romantic contact with me, he'd have to commit... It was then that he told me everything about what had happened with Miss. X and also that they were not speaking at all at that point. We decide to "make it official" and things were good.
When she contacted him a few months, she was very like, "Well, I guess I've taken the time I need. I know we both have a lot of apologize for, but I'm ready to extend the olive branch because you are so important to me." I am not kidding. She literally said that. He wrote back that he was still pretty angry with her and that he was happily committed to me now and that if she needed to accept that if she wanted to be friends again. She wrote, "I don't think that will ever happen. I can't believe you are choosing some temporary girl over me." He didn't write back, and that was that...
Periodically, over the next few years, she's contacted him in different ways-- sometime to apologize, sometimes to chew him out for really imaginary offenses, sometimes through other people, sometimes with made up excuses. He doesn't usually write back, and if he does, it's very short, polite, and firm. She even visited town, and when he didn't write back about getting together, she wrote him another e-mail saying that he'd ruined her vacation! Seriously, I have come to realize that this girl is a piece of work, and he has too.
He says he never thinks about her at all. We live together, and talking marriage, having a great time... and she is the farthest thing from his mind. But I think about her all the time-- how rude she was to me, how callous and dishonest he was, how her pictures were on his wall, how devoted he was to her, how (even if superficially and temporarily) he seemed to have chosen her over me, how I had to push for a commitment, how I should have walked away a million times.
Since then, he has been totally honest, faithful, patient, amazing. For YEARS.
How can I stop thinking about this before it ruins the best relationship I've ever had?
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